Putting my finger over her lips, I gave a slow shake of my head.
I wasn’t ready to think about Skye. I’d bottled up my rage and swallowed it whole. It had resurfaced with Sara’s words, and I didn’t have the strength to deal with that.
“Not now.”
That would need to be something for another day.
My existence narrowed down only to those things I could control.
Once again, I took all my emotions and tied them into a tight bundle of pain, regret, and loss. I wrapped my anger and fear around the mess and shoved it back into the bleakness of my mind.
Another day.
Sometime later, I would unravel that mess and deal with it. For now, I would push it as far back in my subconsciousness as possible.
Emotions were my enemy.
To be strong, I needed to be cold, unfeeling, and put my intellect to work on getting us out of this mess.
That meant taking care of Sara and comforting her as best I could. It began by removing the scent of Snowden from her body and mine.
I closed my eyes and placed my hand over hers. The warmth of her touch soothed me on a level I didn’t understand.
She was an unexpected sliver of goodness in a living nightmare, and I would use that anyway I could.
Skye always told me there was light in the darkest places. Skye had been that for me when Clark Preston and John Snowden made me wish for the sweet embrace of death.
Was it possible Sara could be my guiding light now?
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me. This would be the second time I brought her into my embrace. Like all the other women in my life, I’d always kept her at arm’s length; or further, if I could.
Sara didn’t hesitate and wrapped her arms around my waist. We stood together, breathing each other in. I surrendered myself to the moment, and to feeling the softness of her body pressed against mine.
It felt uncharacteristically natural to hold her. Her natural fragrance filled my senses with a calming force. My heartbeat slowed, and my breaths eased. If I could stay here forever, I would.
Even if it was just for show, no doubt Snowden had cameras in every corner of this place.
If I could keep her safe, her light would continue to shine, and when the darkness overcame me, she would be my anchor, my path back to sanity.
She placed her cheek against my chest and let out a low sob.
“I’m so sorry about Skye. Why did he do that?”
Because he could. Because it would hurt me.
But I didn’t voice that to Sara.
Snowden didn’t take Skye from me to hurt me. He did it to send a powerful message.
I would have done anything to get back to Skye; killing her took her out of the equation. Snowden needed me to be engaged in his little game. That wouldn’t happen if I thought I could make my way back to my sister.
Sara didn’t voice the second part of that question, which relieved me of the burden of answering it.
But, if he killed Skye, what would keep him from taking her life as well?
My obedience was the key, and maybe something more.
I didn’t know if I could give Snowden what he wanted, but I would try. I would swallow my pride and do whatever it took to keep Sara safe.
“Snowden is a monster.” I placed my chin on the top of her head, stooping to do so. “I can’t worry about what he will or won’t do. That’s not how I’m going to survive this.”
“Forest…” Her voice broke with emotion. “The things he did…”
I smoothed her hair and gave a low, shushing sound to soothe her. “Are nothing compared to what’s in store.”
“But you…”
“He wants me to suffer, and I will, but it’s all a part of the game.”
“I’m sorry he made me watch. It’s not right.”
I pulled away from her, gripped her shoulders, and stooped down again to get eye level with her.
She needed to understand what was at stake and how to survive what would come next.
“You and I, we’ll get through this only if we’re together.” It was time for uncomfortable truths. “He raped me.”
Her eyes widened with the memory, then a look of shame overcame her, and she looked away.
I put my finger on her chin and forced her to face me. “He raped me, Sara. He raped me several times, and he’s going to do it again. He wants you to watch because he enjoys your pain. My physical pain is one thing, but the emotional pain he inflicts on others is what he truly craves. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to be hell. But, we’re going to be okay. If you understand that, you’ll survive.”
“How can you say that? When he…when he does those things to you?”
“We don’t control anything right now except our reactions. He wants to hurt you by making you a part of this. It’s how he exerts his authority and dominance over me. There’s. Nothing. You. Can. Do. About. It.”
She needed to understand.
I’d lived through this once before. I didn’t know if I would survive it again, but I wasn’t going to give Snowden his victory without a fight.
“However bad it is right now, it’s going to get worse. We won’t be prepared for whatever he has planned, and it’s going to bring us to our knees.”
I knew with absolute certainty things would get worse. Thinking about how that might manifest wasn’t healthy, so I focused only on what I could control.
“How can you be this strong?” Her words came out a whisper.
“Because I have you.”
Her brows pinched together. “If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t be able to hurt you.”
“If it weren’t for you, I’d already be dead.” I didn’t mention she would be as well.
There had been no way for us to survive Snowden’s trap in that courtyard. Surrendering had been our only option. She didn’t understand that yet.
Steam billowed all around us, covering the mirrors and forming a thick fog billowing in the air. I had no illusions against the fact we were being monitored.
This was probably our only safe space. Shrouded in the steam, and our voices muffled by the water, taking a shower together might be our sole refuge.
“Come, I don’t know how long the hot water will last. Let’s wash away the filth of this day.”
Her head shook. “I don’t know how you do it.”
I had no choice. That was how I did it.
“You’re my guardian angel, Sara. You’re the light that will get me through. I need you to be strong. Be my light.”
She gave a shaky nod as I stepped into the shower enclosure. I wanted to give her privacy as she stripped, but if Snowden watched, he would see. The bastard would know this was the first time we had been naked together.
He thought we were lovers.
That protected Sara.
If Snowden thought I loved her, he would focus on my need to protect her.
I didn’t turn my back or avert my gaze as she pulled his filthy shirt off her body. When she stepped into the shower, I pulled her to me and braced for the familiar sensations of disgust.
Skin to skin, chest to chest, she tucked her head beneath my chin and lay her cheek over my heart.
There was no revulsion rippling across my skin.
No disgust rising from the pit of my stomach.
Her softness pressed against my hard body, and something eased within me.
Holding Sara felt like…heaven.
I felt at peace.
Chapter Eighteen
Sara
I loved touching Forest.
There was nothing sexual about it.
Except we were naked and sharing a shower.
Despite that, an uncharacteristic intimacy surrounded us. It was as if we'd been thrown in a crucible, survived the destruction, and emerged newly formed.
We were different.
Our shared experience, as horrific as it had been, and uncertainty of our
future, bonded us into, if not a couple, at least a pair of humans struggling to survive.
I barely had my hands wrapped around him before he hugged me tight. Our bodies pressed against each other.
From his steady heartbeat beneath my ear to the breaths surging in and out of his lungs, we connected.
I pressed my hands against his back, marveling at the hardness of his frame. Too broad to reach around him, and much taller than me, my body molded perfectly with his.
Forest kept himself in immaculate shape as a rule, and I got to feel all his rippling muscles as he flexed them beneath the smoothness of his skin.
Much taller than my slight build, his hips hit me mid-abdomen, which placed another part of his anatomy to lie along my belly. Soft and velvety smooth, Forest's penis wasn't what anyone could ever call flaccid. There was simply too much of him.
But he wasn't aroused.
There was no twitching of sexual interest as he held me.
I didn't know what to think about that. A part of me was sad. Sad that I couldn't elicit any interest in him. My pride took a tiny hit. I'd like to think seeing me naked had some kind of effect on a man, but I didn't overthink it. Instead, I simply absorbed the tender moment for what it was.
We were two people finding solace in each other's arms.
This might be the only time I would find myself held by him, and I decided I would enjoy it for what it was.
He comforted me without demanding anything more out of me. Not that I was porcelain thin and would break from our current situation, but I did appreciate his protective nature.
I didn't think I would survive whatever this was without his strength to fall back on. The strangest thing about this was how natural it felt like I belonged with him.
I wanted to melt into him.
The ache in my heart was real, and when he finally let me go, that ever-present longing would begin anew.
For now, I simply breathed in his essence.
Thick and intoxicating, Forest's natural musk infiltrated my nostrils with the scent of pine and woodsmoke, an earthy essence that grounded me.
I could almost believe we would survive our nightmare.
We parted, after a time, and Forest moved to the side to let me stand under the steady stream of water.
I don't know why it surprised me, but the two-person shower came fully stocked with an array of bath products, both masculine and feminine.
I took the floral-scented body wash and lathered my skin, stepping out of the water to let Forest get clean. He needed a good scrub after what he'd endured.
There was no illusion that Forest wouldn't be covered in Snowden's filth again, but this shower felt symbolic. As if water could cleanse our bodies and free us from the unthinkable.
We were prisoners.
And we would endure more from the vileness, which was John Snowden.
How that would happen, as Forest said, was something we couldn't prepare for, but I would strengthen myself against the shock of whatever Snowden planned.
Forest turned around. I'm not sure what I expected in his expression, but his sudden shyness wasn't it.
Despite the odd expression, he refused to avert his gaze and took in my nakedness with what looked to be genuine interest. While his features were devoid of warmth, lacking that spark of desire, he was checking me out.
It was odd to see interest flash in his eyes. I cocked my head, unsure about how to proceed.
"Forest?" I meant to ask him what was up, but I stopped at the sharp shake of his head.
"There's something you need to know." He tugged at his chin.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing and everything, but I was thinking about…possibilities."
"I don't understand."
"Snowden."
"Yes?"
"It's something he said. It's been bothering me."
"Okay…" He was scaring me, but I didn't want him to see my fear. If I was to be his light, his anchor in the darkness, I had to be strong.
"He thinks we're lovers."
I nodded. "I know."
"But I don't sleep with women."
"Then why does he think we're involved?"
"That's what I'm trying to figure out." He swapped places with me. "Let me wash your hair."
There was a flatness to his voice, a clinical detachment that gave me pause. My initial reaction, 'Um no,' but Forest never asked for something without reason.
My heart skipped a beat. He, however, didn't hesitate.
When had showering together turned into him washing my hair? Granted, it was just hair, but I didn't need help. Somehow, I'd managed to do that by myself my entire life.
I didn't tell him no. From the look in his eyes, I could see he was ferreting out an answer to Snowden's assumption of our non-existent relationship.
Forest reached around me to reach the dispenser hanging on the wall. It was filled with a clear amber liquid labeled Shampoo.
He pushed the dispensing button and cupped his hand underneath until he had enough shampoo to wash my hair five times over. My hair might be long, and it might be thick, but how much hair did he think I had?
"Um, hang on. I need to get it wet first." What the hell was I doing? Was I really stepping back under the water to wet my hair…for Forest?
It sure looked like that was what I was doing.
Holy hell. This was happening.
He nudged my shoulder to spin me around, and then his hands were on me. Well, not me, but my head.
A spot of cold replaced the warm water as he put the glob of shampoo on the top of my hair.
I expected a rough, calloused touch. What I didn't expect was how good his hands felt on me. I couldn't help but close my eyes and bite my lower lip when he massaged the shampoo through my hair.
He made sure to dig in. His dexterous fingers worked some kind of magic, sparking a riot of nerves that shot down my neck where they fired in a random cascade down my back. Despite the thick steam, I couldn't help but shiver.
The man had a surprisingly delicate touch yet was firm enough to send continuous shockwaves shooting through my body.
Oblivious to my reaction, he continued to massage my scalp and work the shampoo through my hair to the roots.
I bit my lower lip and reminded myself this was a platonic, non-sexual encounter, but then I shifted my weight to my rear foot. I backed into Forest. No mistaking the hard length of his arousal jabbing the small of my back.
He grunted, then shifted to the side. I wanted to tell him not to mind, that it was nothing, but something inside of me gave a little cheer.
He may be gay, but he reacted.
To me.
"I've thought about it."
"About what?"
"Snowden."
If that wasn't a mood killer, I didn't know what was. Here I was cheering Forest's erection, and he threw ice water on it.
"What about him?"
"Do you know why I only sleep with men?"
"Because you're gay?"
Duh.
Forest made no secret of his sexual partners. Relationships weren't his thing, just sex.
I lost count of the number of men who tumbled through his bed, but I could count on zero fingers how many had lasted more than a month.
He wasn't a man built for commitment. I didn't know if it was the result of his underlying Asperger's or if he simply had been that unlucky in love. It could be he simply looked for it in the wrong places.
Not that it was any of my business, but I'd seen the hookup app he used. Those kinds of men were out for only one thing: the same thing Forest desired; mutually gratifying sex with no strings.
"I'm not gay."
"Um…you sure about that?"
"Pretty sure."
"But, you date men."
"I don't date them. I fuck them. What I don't do is fuck women, and you want to know why?"
The way he said it, the words twisted with venom. I most definitely didn't want to know. Unfortuna
tely, Forest didn't wait for my response.
"Women are too fragile for…" He hesitated, and his fingers stopped their near toe-curling massage of my scalp.
"For what? Sex?"
I wanted to turn around and have this conversation face to face if only to peek at his cock. I'd seen it before; long, hard, thick, and not mine.
The sight of him pleasuring himself back in his office shower was not an image I would ever get out of my head. Not because it was bad, but because it had been so achingly hot.
"Yes."
"You sure about that?"
"Pretty certain." He grabbed my hair at my nape, twisted it together, and gave the slightest tug.
"Why do you say that? If it's because of your size…" I could not believe we were having this conversation, discussing his sex life, and the size of his cock, while we were naked in a shower together.
He gave a low chuckle. "Not because of that, but thanks."
The way he thanked me for my backhanded compliment of his size reminded me of the banter we used to share. That easy back and forth never failed to bring a smile to my face, even if I often cursed him for his pigheadedness.
"That wasn't meant as a compliment."
"I know. You were simply stating a fact. Something I'm well aware of."
Cocky much? But what did I expect? We were discussing the size of his dick. Any man would crow when complimented on the size of his dick.
"You're a big man, of course, you'd have a big dick, but you're not the first big man in history. There are lots of men the same size as you. They date women and don't break them."
Forest was massive, but I'd seen plenty of wrestlers and athletes who were married or had women hanging off their arms. Some of those women were petite like me, and they didn't walk bowlegged.
Oh hell, that was a thought I needed to get out of my head.
Forest and I didn't have that kind of relationship. He was my boss, and I was his executive assistant. That was where things between us ended.
Except now, we were captives of a psychopath.
However, the whole concept of insert peg A into slot B wasn't lost on me, and I couldn't get my mind to stop imagining how that might feel.
Soft laughter escaped Forest.
A genuine response, I wanted to bottle his laughter up, if only to remind him of it when things turned south. One thing I knew for sure, this happy place we created was nothing more than an illusion.
Forest's Fall (Captive Hearts Book 3) Page 15