He looked over my shoulder. “Where’s Paul?”
“He’s coming back later.”
Forest’s eyes pinched.
“Later?” His voice cracked.
I placed my hand on his. “That’s what he said.”
Forest pulled his hand out from underneath mine. “And he left us alone?”
“Yeah.”
“I see.” His heavy gaze stirred with all kinds of emotion he usually kept bottled up.
Sometimes, it was difficult remembering he processed the world differently. I couldn’t imagine the emotional pain he must feel or should feel.
Talk to him.
“How are you holding up?” I didn’t know how to broach the subject of Paul.
Forest wasn’t much for talking, so my task was nearly impossible, but I needed to know if what Paul said was true. Did Forest need this thing with Paul?
“I’m sorry for bringing you into this hell.” He pulled away, but that wasn’t going to stop me.
We didn’t have much time. I discarded half a dozen starter sentences before deciding to hit the problem head-on.
“Paul wants me to talk to you.”
Forest sat a little straighter. “I figured that’s why he left us alone. What did he want?”
“You want the long, flowery version or the direct and to the point version?”
He cocked his head and gave me a look like I’d grown two heads. “Direct, please.”
I pulled the condoms out of my pocket and placed them between us.
“He gave me these.”
Forest picked up a foil pouch. “Condoms?” His brows drew together, and he curled his lower lip between his teeth.
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Well, he grabbed a box of condoms to bring to the room, handed me a few for us, then said he’d be coming back later.”
“I see.” His expression fell.
I hoped he would give me something to work with, but Forest turned back to the window. He rolled a condom packet between his thumb and forefinger.
“You have nothing to say?” I asked.
His eyes cut to me, then went back to staring outside.
“I bring you condoms, and you have nothing?”
He flicked the foil packet. It flew halfway across the room to land in the middle of the floor.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know.” I started to pace. Digging my fingers into my scalp, I pulled at my roots, trying to make sense of the insane. “I want you to say something. Tell me you don’t want to. Can you start with that?”
“But I do.” He stood to his full height. “All I think about is making love to you.”
“Not me.” I fisted my hands. “Paul. Tell me you don’t want to have sex with him.”
He wouldn’t look at me.
My breath caught. Paul had been telling me the truth. It hurt more than it should.
“I’m going to take a shower.” I rushed away before he could see the tears rolling down my cheeks.
“Sara…” His gruff voice called out, but I didn’t look back. I headed to the bathroom and closed the door.
If only there were a lock.
I turned the water on as hot as I could stand and stripped. It looked like I would spend my evening in the bathroom. It was the only place where I could shut out what would happen in the other room when Paul returned.
I took stock of my emotions.
Pain.
Not of rejection, but of not being enough.
I wanted to be everything for Forest like he’d always been everything to me.
That I couldn’t give him what he needed gutted me.
How was I going to deal with that?
I couldn’t walk away from him. I’d tried that for the better part of a decade, loving a man who, I had thought, was incapable of loving me back.
But he did love me.
Forest was desperately in love with me.
But he needed Paul.
I leaned against the tile wall and slid down to the floor, where I hugged my knees tight to my chest. I let the tears flow. Cold air blew against my skin. I glanced up as Forest entered the shower. The man was impressive, but he wasn’t mine.
He said nothing as he sat beside me. Extending his long legs, his toes barely touched the opposite side of the shower. He tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and breathed in the steam.
My gaze shamelessly shifted to the relaxed length of him cradled on top of his balls. Forest had no shame and none of the body image inadequacies I carried around. He made no excuses for his muscular physique and was just as comfortable letting it all hang out as he was covering it up. It wouldn’t hurt so much if he weren’t so incredibly perfect—not just his body, but his incredible mind and a heart that held all the pain of the world.
Propping my chin on my kneecaps, I watched the water fall.
Silence descended between us until he finally cleared his throat.
“You’re sad,” he said.
I looked at him, shocked at how bad he was with reading emotions.
“Is that what you think?”
“You look sad.”
I blew out a frustrated breath. “I’m not sad.” I felt despair, rejection, inadequacy, abandonment, depression, loneliness, powerlessness, a profound emptiness, and incredible isolation.
“Are you angry?” Concern laced his words. “Did I do something?”
“I’m just frustrated.” Now, I was lying. Not that I wasn’t also frustrated, but I was hiding my true feelings. Forest didn’t need that kind of shit. He had enough to deal with.
I resented the daily violation Forest endured while no one touched me. His sacrifice made me feel powerless, and it was only because of me that he couldn’t escape this hellhole.
I was the problem, and until I removed myself from the equation, Forest would continue to suffer.
“Sara…” He placed a hand on my shoulder, and it was all I could do not to shrug him off.
“What?” The word came out harsher than I intended, but there it was. My anger showed its ugly face.
“Talk to me.” His plea made me feel a thousand times worse.
Wasn’t that my job? To talk with him? Instead, jealousy crept in and filled in all the ugly cracks brought on by my insecurities. As hard as this was on me, I had to remind myself he was the one who suffered. His pain was a thousand times worse.
“Do you ever get lonely?”
“What do you mean?” He seemed honestly confused by the sudden change in our conversation.
“You live alone. Work alone. I’m probably the only person you spend time with—”
“I like spending time with you.” He nudged my shoulder.
“That’s not what I mean. Do you ever want more?”
“Guess I never really thought about it. I’ve been too busy trying to take Snowden down to care about anything more. And I’ve always had you. I’m not lonely. If you’re worried about that. People confuse me, and social situations make me uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean I’m lonely. I have you. I have Skye…”
Talk about the elephant in the room. We’d never talked through hers and Zach’s deaths, let alone everyone else on that helicopter.
“Ah, Forest…I’m so sorry.”
“The helicopter didn’t explode.”
“Huh?”
“Did you see it explode?”
“I saw a rocket hit it,” I said.
“It hit the tail rudder, and the helicopter went into a spin. It dropped out of sight.”
“Right. They crashed.”
“But, it didn’t explode.”
“Does that matter?”
“I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it does.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t believe they’re dead.”
“But, it crashed.”
“Over the water.”
My brows pinched with confusion.
“Think abo
ut it. If they crashed on land, there would’ve been an explosion. But in water, there’s a chance.”
“A chance?” My throat tightened, but I didn’t believe it made a difference.
“Yes. They train troops on how to escape helicopter crashes. SEALs train for it. That means it’s survivable.”
But Skye wasn’t trained for it, and Zach was a baby.
“Forest, I don’t think…”
“Remember what they were wearing when they landed?”
“No.”
“They had on life vests. It’s standard procedure. If the helicopter crashed in the water, they could have gotten out.”
“But…”
“Think about it. Mitzy had eyes on the whole thing. We had a team in the water, another on a boat, and a second helicopter. It doesn’t feel like she’s gone. I think I would feel it.” He thumped his chest. “I’ve thought about it a lot, and the odds…well, there’s a chance.”
A slim chance, and not one I was going to take from him. If he wanted to believe Skye was still alive, that wasn’t a bubble I would burst.
“Snowden hasn’t won,” he said. “It may seem that way, but we’re in the best position we’ve ever been in.”
“The best position?”
“Yeah.”
“And how’s that going for you? This is the exact opposite of the best position.” I tried to make it a joke, but it came out harsher than intended.
“It’s going far better than you might think.” A smug smile filled his face.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Sara
Far better than I thought? I stared at Forest like he had two heads.
"That's not funny."
"I'm serious." He had a big grin on his face.
"So, getting tortured day in and day out, the rapes, and all the rest are your definition of things getting better?"
"The torture part is kind of a drag, but I'm dealing with that. Snowden thinks he's breaking me down, but he's not."
"How can that be? After everything he does to you."
"To my body…the things he does he does to my body."
"It's more than that, and you know it. The fights…the men…"
"Snowden made a miscalculation."
"How's that?"
"Those silly fights he set up helped me to blow off steam. I release my aggression there, and it saves me from taking things out on Snowden. If I did that—"
"He would take things out on me." I turned the water a little hotter.
"Right, and that can't happen."
"If it weren't for me, you'd already have found a way to escape."
"Not really."
"Huh?"
"I'm right where I want to be."
"You're not making any sense. You're living a nightmare because of me."
"This is the best possible place for me to be. I couldn't ask for a better opportunity. Think about it for a second." He looked at me as if his words made sense. "Where are we?"
"I have no idea." That was one of my greatest frustrations. I'd developed practically zero intelligence during our time here.
"We're inside Snowden's stronghold. This is the epicenter of his operations."
"I don't get it."
"Come on, Sara, you're smart. Think."
I stared blankly at him, and he rolled his eyes. Bringing my hand to his mouth, he brushed the backs of my knuckles with his lips.
"I'm in the center of everything, with access to everything that has anything to do with his business."
"You're a prisoner. You have access to nothing but pain. We know nothing."
"Well…" The grin on his face was one I knew entirely too well. Forest had something up his sleeve. "That's not entirely true."
"Forest?"
"We just need a little more time." He squeezed my hand and placed it in his lap, where he massaged the soft spot between my thumb and first finger.
"More time for what?"
"To map everything out."
"I'm so confused."
"Have you heard anything that indicates any problems?"
Light bulbs started popping in my head. Forest had done something, and I had an idea I knew what it might be. Not that I understood how he'd accomplished it, but damn if that man didn't have a brilliant mind.
"You've been stalling while…" I made a vague gesture. I honestly had no idea what Forest had done.
"That's my girl. You're figuring it out."
"Honestly, I'm not, but I know how your mind works. You're up to something."
"And soon, we should start seeing results."
"What exactly are you expecting?"
"Interruptions in his operations. It'll be almost anything. Whatever Xavier can figure out."
"Wait, you're in communication with Xavier?"
"I'm completely cut off, and please tell me you haven't tried to get word out." He shook his head. "I asked you to trust me."
"I've done shit. I've done nothing but watch him abuse you, tear you down, degrade you, and…"
"Some days are worse than others, but I'm surviving."
"So, everything with Paul is fake, right?" Hope bloomed within me. If he played Snowden, then he was playing Paul as well.
Forest bit at his lower lip and refused to meet my gaze.
"Forest?" Please tell me you're playing Paul.
"Why did he give you the condoms?"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"Because he's a sick twisted fuck."
"What did he say to you?"
"He said he was coming later, pushed condoms in my hand, and left."
"He's never left us alone before."
"So?"
"Please try to remember. What did he say?"
"Why does it matter?"
He ran his thumb against his jaw and didn't answer.
The green monster of jealousy nipped at my heels and the purple monster of inadequacy, or whatever color that beast was, shredded my confidence.
"Please tell me you're not interested in him." Please tell me I'm enough.
A low growl rumbled deep in his throat. It was a dangerous sound, menacing, and feral. Forest took my hand in his, gripping tight when I tried to withdraw.
"I have you because of all of this. We would never have found each other, but…"
The dreaded but.
I hated that word.
"Paul?"
"Yeah." He ran his fingers through his hair.
"You want to see what happens with him." The next time I saw Paul, I was going to throat punch the prick for being right. The cocky bastard knew, and I hated him for it. Something died inside of me with Forest's admission.
"I need to know. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but…"
His admission gutted me.
"I get it. It's not like I don't know you like men. Don't hate me for wanting you all to myself. I've never dated someone before, let alone shared him with anyone."
"I don't know if I'd call it sharing. It's more compartmentalizing. I fuck men for the physical release, but I'm not interested beyond that. You're different."
I don't know why that mattered, but in some strange way, it did.
"Different?"
"You're a part of me. I don't know if that's what love is, except I feel it deep in here." He thumped his chest.
"And Paul?"
"Different, but not the same."
The bottom dropped out from beneath me again.
"You can't love me if you're…" I swallowed a sob and pressed my hands to my cheeks. "It doesn't matter, though, does it? Paul said he'd be back, and he'll be back."
Frustrated anger rose within me, not at Forest. As much as I hated his admission that I wasn't enough, it didn't change our circumstances. Forcing Forest to choose between the two of us simply made no sense.
Nothing here made sense.
"I'm just going to leave the two of you alone to—"
"To fuck."
"Right."
"You make it soun
d ugly." He ran his hand through his hair, a gesture I was beginning to recognize. "Out of all the things I've endured, out of all the things Snowden has done to me, this is what you find disgusting?"
"I didn't say that."
"No, but I see it in your face."
"What you see isn't disgust."
"Then what is it?"
"Knowing I'm not enough for you, that I can't be everything for you, don't you see how that could hurt? How it could destroy me knowing you don't really love me."
"But I do. God, I love you with every fiber of my being. What do you want me to do? I'm not giving up on us."
"There is no you and me. There never was. That's what hurts so much. I think it was just the trauma that made us think our feelings were more than they were."
"What are you saying?" His voice sounded strained.
That I loved him enough to let him go.
"Nothing, I guess."
"Sara…don't."
"Don't what?" My voice broke. It was simply too hard to keep my emotions under control.
"Don't do this. It's not like that."
"It sure feels like it." I sucked in a painful breath. "It's not like we ever really started anything. You're free to do what you want." And who he wanted. It just wasn't me.
"But, I'm not."
"What?"
"Free to do as I want. We have to play this to the end."
I hated how jealous, possessive, and fucking crazy I sounded. Forest liked men, but we weren't talking about nameless men and gratuitous pleasure. This was about Paul, and call me a jealous bitch, but I needed Forest to like me more.
He bent his long legs and wrapped his arms around them, mirroring my pose. "Say what you want, but this whole fucked-up mess exposed what's been there all along, what I was afraid to admit. Don't pretend it's not true. I love you, and I haven't done all of this to lose you."
All of what?
"What have you done?"
He took my hand in his and placed it over his heart. "I'm tearing him down, piece by piece, destroying what he's built over a lifetime."
"How?"
He tapped the side of his head. "By getting in his head, making him think I'm powerless. He's let down his guard, given me access to everything without even knowing it. We won't be here forever, but it will still be some time. Time to get everything in place."
Forest's Fall (Captive Hearts Book 3) Page 30