“Okay.” Brian gave him one last kiss, held the door, and handed him his coat.
Lil slipped it on over his scrubs.
“Have a good shift,” Brian said.
Lil smiled. “I’ll be thinking of you, lover.”
Brian stood in front of the closed door for a few minutes after Lil had left, and I wished I could see his face. I wasn’t up to the chat that would happen if he knew I’d overheard their conversation, though, so I closed my eyes long before he turned toward me, and I kept them closed when he came over to the couch. I almost flinched as he stroked my hair, but long practice in holding back my reactions to Carl’s touch kept me still.
“I am not letting you go back there,” he whispered.
The blanket moved, pulled up and snugged around my shoulders, then he left. He went to his room and didn’t come out until I shuffled past his half-open door an hour later, on my way to the bathroom.
* * * *
“Coffee?”
Brian stood by the kitchen window, facing outside as I returned to the living room and dressed.
“Sure,” I said.
He didn’t move. “You want to talk about it?”
“About coffee?” I pulled on an old pair of jeans then started doing up the buttons. “Cream and sugar. Baileys, if you’ve got it.”
“We don’t.” He turned around, and the color drained from his cheeks a bit.
I supposed most of the really bad bruises hadn’t developed when he’d seen me tied to the bed. They had now, layered over older marks. I’d just spent a good ten minutes examining my torso in the bathroom mirror. I knew what he was seeing. And what he wasn’t.
‘Paul’s boyfriend raped him.’
I could practically hear the echo of Lil’s statement in the air.
I wondered if Brian was going to ask me if that were true. I wondered what I’d tell him.
“I think I’ll call the kids,” was all he said. “Cancel swim practice.”
I nodded. This wasn’t something to try explaining to a bunch of teenage boys.
“We can run relays on Wednesday. Only takes one coach,” he said.
“Life doesn’t stop,” I said quietly, not looking at him. I snagged a sweater then pulled it over my head. I didn’t know if he picked up on the echo of his earlier conversation with Lil. When my head emerged from the collar, he was pouring cream into a cup of coffee.
We spent the next hour feeling around the emotional bruises as we talked almost in code, and trying to figure out where the whole mess left us. A lull in conversation stretched tight over something he wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to answer, so I shuffled to the couch when he gathered the mugs and took them to the sink. I supposed it would be easier for him if I wasn’t sitting across from him, watching the way his nerves clenched his fingers into fists he repeatedly had to flatten out onto the tabletop.
“I never would have left you alone with him, Paul. I didn’t know he would…”
I waited. Seemed that was the end of the sentence, though. “Not your fault,” I said at last. “He wasn’t always like that, you know.” I wanted to say he had been like Lil, when we’d started our relationship. Strong, in charge, good to me. But from what I’d seen the past day and a half, Carl was nothing like Lil. Brian wasn’t afraid to ask for what he wanted. He’d asked Lil to help me, knowing Lil hated my guts, and he hadn’t worried about reprisals. No. Carl was definitely nothing like Lil. I wanted what Brian had. Maybe that’s what I’d been searching for. And why I’d hung on so long.
“Bri?” I twisted a bit to peer over the back of the couch at him. Brian turned around. “If he comes—”
As if on cue, someone knocked on the door. I knew the panic showed. How could it not? Though I was sitting, I felt like I might collapse, the blood drained so fast. Brian’s face shifted to a grim expression.
“Go in the bedroom.” He moved to the door but didn’t open it. “Go!”
I stumbled up, unsure. I couldn’t, shouldn’t leave him alone with Carl. I remembered the way Carl had looked at me yesterday, pleased with the deliberate pain he’d caused when fucking me, as though he’d thought he might be abrading away any contact Brian might have had with me. I couldn’t let him turn that anger on Brian.
The knock came again, a little louder, more insistent, and Brian bit his lip. “Paul, please.”
I sidestepped around the corner, out of sight of the door, but didn’t go too far. Brian peeked through the peephole. His shoulders released their tension almost immediately, and he yanked the door open.
“Vic!”
A tall, broad-shouldered man strode inside, and Brian shut the door behind him.
“Hey,” the guest said. “Lil around?”
“He’s at work.” Brian smiled. “Come on in. I have coffee.”
Vic pulled out a kitchen chair and sat. I couldn’t take my eyes off his face. This was the guy from the park. There was no way I could mistake those eyes, the perfect, high cheekbones, or dark glow of his skin.
“I guess you saw the news last night?” Vic took the steaming mug Brian offered and set it on the table.
“Yeah.” Brian sat in the chair opposite him. “Anyone we know?”
Vic shook his head. “No. Never seen either of them before. The second one was married. Glad I didn’t have to deliver that bad news. ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but we found your husband, pants open, throat slashed, body mutilated behind a gay bar!’ Fuck. This is a mess.”
“Two?”
Brian seemed to fold in on himself, and the motion drew me out of hiding to put a hand on his shoulder. He reached up and touched my fingers. The warmth of contact that didn’t hurt was surprisingly reassuring.
“Vic,” Brian said. “This is Paul Murdoch.”
Vic turned his attention on me and his mouth fell open. Shocked recognition crossed his features, then, for one split second, he appeared horror-stricken. “Shit.” His face went completely blank.
“Paul Murdoch.” He stood, reached to his belt then pulled his badge free to hold it up in my face. “You are under arrest for the murder of Henry Staffville.”
“What?” I stared, processing nothing at first, mesmerized by the glint of light dropping from the kitchen’s pendant fixtures onto the stamped metal of the badge.
The words he’d spoken slammed into me, knocked my breath out, but they’d meant nothing right away. Not until he stepped behind me, grabbed one arm, and yanked it back did the meaning register. And then, my default to cowed submission was so ingrained he had me cuffed in a matter of seconds. I couldn’t have resisted if I’d thought of it. Brian surged to his feet.
“Vic!”
“I’m sorry, Brian,” Vic said.
I didn’t know this Vic. Who knew if he really was sorry? But the professional veneer slipped as he returned to where I could see him, and met Brian’s gaze.
“I have no choice.” He turned to me and rattled off what I guessed were supposed to be my rights, but I didn’t hear any of it.
“Bri?” I moved toward him. He could set this cop straight. This wasn’t right.
“Victor, this is ridiculous! He didn’t kill anyone!”
Brian inserted himself between the door and me, and I realized Victor had a hand on my back, shoving me in the direction of the exit. I stumbled and would have fallen on my face if Victor hadn’t caught me by one arm. He hauled me upright, but his grip wasn’t harsh. He met my eye, and I couldn’t turn away.
“It’s my job.” His blank expression softened. “I didn’t expect to see you here, Paul. I’m sorry. But there’s a warrant. I can’t ignore that.”
“For murder? No.” Brian planted his feet, crossed his arms. “No. I don’t care about any warrant. He didn’t do whatever it is you think he did.”
“Who says I think it?” Victor’s grip on my arm loosened a little more as he pursed his lips and drew his eyebrows together. “Everything about this case is cocked up. I’m on a short leash as it
is, Bri, and if I’m going to figure any of it out, I have to go by the book. Please, please don’t make me arrest you too.”
“I’m telling you, he didn’t do it,” Brian said.
Victor studied him for a minute, then me, and a tic twitched his lips. There was that look in his eyes again. The one I couldn’t interpret. I swallowed, trying to process what was going on.
“You must…” I had to clear my throat and still struggled to get my voice above a stunned whisper. “Have the wrong guy. I didn’t…”
Victor gave himself a tiny shake, focused back on Brian. “Call Lil. Call a lawyer. Get out of my way.”
“Please.” This time, I didn’t let him push me closer to the door. “Please, I didn’t. I was here—”
“Don’t.” Victor moved his hand from my arm to my shoulder. “Let me do my job. It’s the best way I can help you.”
“You’re arresting me!” I spat the words at him, feeling like a trapped, feral cat, hissing and ineffectual.
He tightened his fingers. “I have no choice. There’s evidence we can’t ignore, so come with me. You’ll get a chance to explain yourself.”
“You’ve already got me in restraints.” I yanked on my hands, and the pain of the hard cuffs against tender wrists sharpened my focus. I remembered what Lil had said last night about them needing to find their cop killer. “You don’t want an explanation. You want an arrest. You’re desperate to pin this shit on anyone you can find. Who’s going to listen?”
“I will. I have my own theories on what’s going on, but I have to work within the rules, and the rules say I have to take you in.”
“I’m no one to you, except a convenient fall guy. Who the hell would ever think I killed anyone? I’ve never even heard of Henry…whatever. What evidence do you have? Where did you get my name?”
He didn’t respond. He stepped in front of me, lips pursed, but those dark eyes were earnest. “That isn’t true—about you being a fall guy. Not to me. You don’t know me, I know that, but I’ve been keeping close tabs on you recently. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.”
“Who the hell are you?” My voice wavered. I didn’t realize I was shaking until he ran his hand down my bare arm and brushed my inner elbow with his thumb. The shaking turned to a shiver, and I gasped.
“You have to trust me,” he said.
“I don’t know you.”
He glanced over to Brian, a slightly pleading look on his face. “Tell him.”
“Tell him what? What do you want me to tell him? You’re arresting him.”
“I have to!”
“Why? You said evidence. What evidence?” Brian moved his fists to his hips.
“I can’t tell you that.”
I shifted to face Vic better, maybe to get that focus back on me. It shouldn’t, but his gaze, his touch, calmed me. “Why have you been watching me?”
“Your boyfriend…” His eyes darkened, and the hand on my arm twitched. “I’ve come across him before. He’s not a nice man.”
“You think?”
He leaned closer. “If I could have talked you into leaving him, would you have?”
I swallowed a hefty dose of anger. He was right. Until yesterday, I wouldn’t have listened to Brian and Lil, never mind a complete stranger.
“I know this is cocked up. This is not how I wanted things to go, but I’m here, you’re here, and if it got out that I didn’t take you in when I had the chance, I’d be done. I’m on thin ice as it is, and I need to keep myself in this investigation. It’s the only way to get the right man. Please. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but you can trust me. You have to. I’ll prove you didn’t do it.”
“How?”
“I’ll prove who did.”
“You know who did?”
“Yes. I just have to get at him long enough to prove it. You might be able to help me do that.”
“How?”
“Trust me.”
“Just like that.” I rattled the cuffs on my wrists. “How are you going to protect me when I’m in jail?”
That’s when he turned back to Brian. “Get him a lawyer. Get down to the station. I’ll delay as long as I can. Just be fast.”
Brian nodded. He’d resigned himself to this, and there was nothing I could do. He wasn’t backing me.
“I’ll be right behind you, Paul.”
I was shaking again. “This isn’t right. You know I didn’t do anything, Bri.”
“I know. I’ll get you a lawyer. I’ll call Lil. We’ll be there.”
“I didn’t…”
Brian stepped grimly aside, allowing Victor access to the door and letting him haul me out.
“Bri?”
Victor barely stopped long enough for me to get my feet into my shoes and for Brian to drape a jacket over my shoulders. He straightened it as I passed then patted my shoulder. “We’ll be there. Promise.”
“I didn’t.”
“I know.”
I sighed, a loud huff of relief. I’d needed him to say it again. I had to hear it, even though I knew he believed me. “Thank you.”
Outside, Vic’s car sat right on the curb, and he opened the back door to maneuver me inside. I bent and folded into the seat, glanced up at him, and he actually smiled.
“I promise, I’ll keep you safe. The charges are based on so little. It’s going to be okay.”
I nodded. Why was it so easy to believe him?
He closed the door, and I glanced at the front entrance of Brian’s building. I half-expected to see Carl there grinning at me. He’d enjoy this. He’d be pissed when he didn’t find me in my apartment. I just hoped to hell he didn’t go looking for me at Brian’s.
Chapter Five
Carl woke with a banging headache. Last night’s activities had worn him out, what with the adrenaline rush, his anger toward Paul, and every goddamn grievance heaped upon him during his life pushing him to do what he’d done. He stared at the ceiling, thoughts of his childhood seeping into the edges of his brain. He hated looking back. After all, what was the point in harping on about regrets and things he couldn’t change? Yet every so often, it was like his mind forced him to return to that shadowy place that still haunted him, a place he’d escaped from. Or so he’d thought.
Disliking the lack of control these memories gave him, he clenched his teeth to ward off the images, but they came regardless. Shit. He didn’t need a dose of guilt right now. Didn’t need to think about why he behaved as he did.
But the remembrance of those times as a kid butted at him, insistent that he listen to the voices of the past and watch the images flashing before him. His throat swelled with emotion and the knowledge of what he’d see and hear, and he closed his eyes, allowing those times to swamp him with their weighty oppression…
Moonlight’s fingers clawed around little Carl’s Superman bedroom curtains, and a low-watt lamp glowed on a chest of drawers at the bottom of his bed. He didn’t like night-times. Didn’t like what they brought.
“You’re a damn jerk of a kid sometimes, Carl,” his father said, leering grin too close, eyes round and bloodshot. “Got no idea where you get your bad behavior from, ’cause it sure ain’t from me.” His breath fanned Carl’s face. Rancid. Evil. “Reckon your bitch of a mother’s to blame. Fucking off and leaving us.”
Carl shrank back in his bed, nine-year-old eyes wide, the covers clutched beneath his chin. His father, the son of a bitch named Kevin, sat on the edge, in baggy sweatpants. A filthy white vest gaped at the neck. Kevin pulled away and stared at the wall, elbows on knees, dangling his hands between them. Carl wondered what his father saw when he gazed like that, all bug-eyed and slack-jawed. Carl squinted, taking in Kevin’s stubbled, ruddy cheeks and big stout nose. A shudder snaked up his spine, and he drew the blankets farther up so only his eyes and the top of his head showed.
“So, you got in trouble at school again, fuck-wit, huh?” Kevin kept staring ahead and rasped his palm over his chin.
The no
ise shrieked in the quiet room, and Carl blinked, hot tears pricking his eyes.
“No point in answering me, ’cause that fat bitch from the school called. Told me all about it. Getting in fights, huh? Been going on for some time, she said. Carl’s a bad influence, she said. Carl’s a bad boy, she said.” He sighed. “And you know what happens to bad boys, right?”
Carl’s stomach churned. Oh, he knew what happened all right. Any minute now, Kevin would pick up that belt he’d dropped to the floor when he’d come into the room and lift it high into the air, bringing it down, down, down…
Carl needed to pee. He willed himself not to, but the hot trickle of urine burned his thighs and seeped between them, onto the mattress beneath his ass. When Kevin whipped the covers back, he’d see. He’d know. And that belt…sure as shit it’d hit him harder.
I can’t help being bad. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to, I just… I want Mom. I want her back here so she can hug it all away, make Dad stop…
Kevin stood, fists bunched, and paced beside the bed. “D’you know, kid, that when you love someone, you are all they need. You diggin’ me?” He stopped walking and glared down at Carl.
Nervous as hell, Carl shook from head to foot, unable to control his body. The piss had cooled, itched his legs, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go of the covers to scratch them.
He’ll start on me in a minute, just like he always does.
Kevin’s brow furrowed, and his dark eyes darkened some more, as though the irises had bled into the brown. “I see you don’t get what I’m saying. Take you and me, as an example. I love you, right, and everything I do is because I love you. I show you that love with discipline.” He resumed pacing and shook his head. “I tell you, you’ll understand when you’re older, when you love someone and they rip your fucking heart out. So, when you do find that person you love over anyone else, you gotta keep them in line, make them understand your love with authority. It’s the only way, kid. And another thing”—he reached down for the belt—“when you get that special person in your life, you’ve gotta take away every danger, every other person that threatens your relationship, ’cause if you don’t, they’ll fuck you over and screw with you. Leave you broken. D’you get that?”
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