‘I think that you should, even though you’re scared,’ she said, chuckling. ‘Listen to me. I ran at the first opportunity, and here I am telling you to give him the chance to prove you wrong. If you run now, you might be right in that moment, sure, you won’t get hurt, but you may just miss out on some wonderful moments.’
‘Is that what happened with you and Barry?’
‘I was so worried about him,’ she whispered. ‘He seemed perfect. Too pure to be pink, really.’
I laughed loudly.
‘And, I mean, this was the point before his loud chewing annoyed me, and his snoring made me want to chisel out my eardrums but, in those early days, I was so scared I was going to screw everything up. Just like I did with your father, but Barry told me I had to take a leap of faith, and I did.’
‘Do you regret Dad?’
‘Oh, no,’ she said wistfully. ‘I adored your father. He was gorgeous, caring, and such a free creative spirit. What girl doesn’t find that attractive? Plus, I have you, in whatever strange way we have each other.’
‘Can I ask why you never show up?’ I asked. ‘Because, honestly, I look forward to it, and it never comes to fruition. It’s so disappointing. It hurts.’
‘Oh, Ellie,’ she said with a quiet sob. ‘It’s just so hard to know what I’m doing. I was so young when you were born. I was seventeen. I was still a child myself.’
Deep breaths, I told myself. Deep, deep breaths. My immediate reaction would be to fly off the handle. Why not turn up if she loves me so much? Why not just get on the damn plane and make the effort? Like everyone, I guessed she had her reasons.
‘Having me was a brave thing to do,’ I tried. ‘Considering the alternatives. I probably wouldn’t have made the same choice at that age.’
She laughed softly. ‘Your father was very keen to meet you. I don’t know what happened, it was like someone flipped a switch in him. He took to the parenting lark like the sun takes to the sky, but I just could never quite work out what I was doing. I felt like I was going in circles, wrong turn after wrong turn and, one day, I just decided I couldn’t do it anymore.’
‘Just like that?’ I asked. ‘There wasn’t an inciting incident?’
‘Your father lost another job.’
‘He is a bit of a floater,’ I admitted. ‘To his credit, he makes it work. I think he likes the variety. Change is as good as a holiday, right?’
‘Don’t you think he takes it to the extreme though?’
‘I don’t know.’ I shrugged. ‘I always had everything I needed. He did his best, and I can’t ask any more of that.’
‘That man sent me more mail than the gas company,’ she joked. ‘I’ve got boxes upon boxes of photos of you here. I just … I’m sorry, Eleanor. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.’
I held the receiver away from my ear and let myself sob openly, just long enough to let it out, but not too long that she’d think I’d dropped dead of shock, either. It was, at last, a breakthrough, and one I’d spent such a large part of my life waiting for. I know that words didn’t fix things instantly, they don’t. Actions not words were the thing but, gosh, it was a great starting point. I cleared my throat and grabbed the tissue box from beside the bed.
‘Here’s what I’d like to do.’ I wiped at my eyes and hugged my knees. ‘I need to sort things out with Marc.’
‘Please, please do.’
‘After that, we’re on holidays in a week’s time. What if I bring him up to Sydney around Christmas? Would you like to have lunch with us?’ I asked. ‘No pressure, we’ll just grab something at Darling Harbour. I don’t have to come to your house, you don’t have to come to mine. Let’s meet in the middle and go from there.’
‘Your cousin Emmy is coming home this Christmas, too, if you’d like to catch up with her.’
‘That sounds perfect. I’ve been keeping up with her adventures on social media, but I haven’t seen her since we were teenagers.’
‘I’m sure she’d love to see you,’ Mum said.
‘What about you? Would you love to see me?’
‘Eleanor, I would love to,’ she said, her voice strained. ‘I’ve just always been so scared.’
‘I don’t want you to be scared.’ Even as I said them, the words choked me. ‘Surely we can come together as adults and work something out?’
‘You’ve always seemed to have everything together, and I thought that maybe you didn’t need me.’
‘Of course I need you,’ I squeaked. ‘But we both have to work on it.’
Just like I had to work on it with Marcus. Give and take, but in a good way. Look at me, solving my own problems.
Mum and I nattered on the phone for another hour. Through shared stories about my father and fits of laughter, she gave me a clarity that, surprisingly, hadn’t come from anyone else. Somewhere deep down, I was sure she still loved him.
Penny had been right when she summed it up, but my mother clarified the finer details. She was scared of getting hurt, or being rejected, and so was I, just with different people in our lives. It took me by surprise, and, in the end, she wouldn’t let me off the phone until I promised I was going to try and sort things out with Marcus.
She needn’t have worried, I told her, I wanted to fix this.
Chapter 27
Bright red numbers shone from the alarm clock like they were laughing at me. Of course they were. I could have really used some sleep, but it was five o’clock in the morning and I was watching the world from the tenth floor of a hotel room.
Today, I was going to change everything. Hopefully, that meant making things right, but I was also steeling myself for the fact that Marcus could turn around with a big ‘No’ in neon lights. If that were the case, I’d have to be okay with that, too. After all, that was his prerogative. I would just have to swallow my pride and own my mistake. But that alternative was not a future I wanted to live in.
Penny returned from the hotel bar to find me a happily crying mess. Talking to Mum had created a whirlwind of emotions, mostly good. When she sent me a message, thanking me for calling, I howled all over again.
After a solid breakfast at a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop, we checked out of the hotel and made our way home. We buzzed along with Penny in the driver’s seat while I played navigator and DJ. And, when we arrived home, I tossed my bag inside and got changed quickly.
If all else went pear-shaped today, I needed comfort, something only a soft old pair of jeans and band T-shirt could provide. Even my underwear was a favourite pair normally relegated to home use or period week. Definitely no sexy lingerie for me today.
Walking up the street towards his home, it became increasingly clear that Marcus was not home alone, and that there was every chance he was having a party. Cars cradled gutters and the faint sound of a too-loud stereo danced up from behind his fence, followed by the faint waft of barbecue. My stomach growled.
Beautiful roses were in full bloom, and I was more than a little jealous of the perfectly sculpted lawn. We still had the same faded Santa Stop Here sign in the front yard, only now he was joined by weeds.
A voice in my head told me more than once that I should come back later. Everyone would be gone, and we’d be able to sit down and have a decent chat over a glass of wine. It would be easier that way, but the impulsivity of desperation told me to do this now. It told me to strike while the iron was hot and get everything off my chest. After all, nothing good ever comes from dwelling on things, and I know I’d done way too much of that lately.
I stepped up to the door, listening to the laughter coming from somewhere behind it, and rang the doorbell.
‘That is so like you, Marc!’ A voice got louder as it approached the door.
I still had time to leave. I could turn and make a run for it. I’d be at the corner before those footsteps got any closer. I didn’t move. My feet, or my stubborn nature, had me glued to the spot. The door opened just a smidgen, enough to identify a broad smile and twinkling eyes that had looke
d back at me previously, only not from her.
‘Hello!’ The door shot wide open. ‘I’m Jessica.’
Like her brother, she was tall, lean, and beautiful. She wore hip-huggers and an old sweatshirt with her hair in a functional ponytail.
I offered her my hand. ‘I’m Eleanor.’
‘Oh! It’s you!’ She bounced excitedly.
‘It’s funny you say that.’ I scratched at my top lip. ‘You’re Mr Mistoffelees?’
‘Are you kidding?’ She threw her head back and laughed. ‘He’s already told you that?’
‘He has.’ I smiled. ‘I’m still waiting to see the photo.’
‘In that case, come on in. Marc’s just out the back.’ She stood aside. ‘And I’ll send the photo to you.’
Somewhere in the distance, a sliding door opened. Daisy yipped, and charged at me in an uncoordinated bum-rush of arms and legs. Her tongue flailed about as she leapt and shuffled and shoved her head between my legs until she got the under the chin scratch she was after. I looked at Jessica and shrugged.
‘Come in.’ She waved again. ‘We’re all just, you know, everywhere.’
It felt like each time I stepped inside his home, I saw a different layer to Marcus. My first visit had introduced me to Marcus the lover, fierce, strong, and quietly confident in what he was doing. I’d also met Marcus the teacher, who some may call a bore and who I would call the consummate professional. Today, I was meeting Marcus the family man.
That version was loud, boisterous, and surrounded by masses of people. His home was full of light and laughter, people and food. Dirty dishes were stacking up in and by the sink, and half-eaten trays of sandwiches, cakes, and sweets littered the kitchen table. Jessica introduced me quickly to their grandmother and, in my nervousness, I forgot her name almost immediately. I also managed to say the word ‘fuck’, because why wouldn’t I?
We looked out towards the backyard, Marcus with a months-old child in his arms. Slowly, as he worked his way around the circle that surrounded him, his eyes switched focus and landed on us standing inside the kitchen. He smiled in a way that told me he understood, that everything was going to be okay, and walked towards us.
For the first time in days, my shoulders relaxed and my breathing got a little deeper.
‘Oh.’ She leaned into my shoulder. ‘That’s my Janie. He’s slightly in love with her. In fact, I think they’re a little obsessed with each other.’
My ovaries stumbled about in a Punch and Judy routine with my uterus. All I hoped was that common sense prevailed, at least for this afternoon, because I did not need any of that quite yet. I drew my bottom lip in and rolled it about between my teeth. Hell, I hadn’t even apologised to him yet, and my body was already cataloguing its next life step.
Calm the farm, Eleanor!
‘She’s gorgeous,’ I said quietly.
‘And she hasn’t quite worked out how to say Marc yet. She calls him Barc. God help me when she gets to the letter F.’
‘Oh!’ I snickered. ‘I shouldn’t laugh, but that’ll be great.’
As he stepped inside, the noise level dropped dramatically. It was a recital hall in the last terse moments before a performance. There were hushed voices, instruments at the ready, brains switched on, sheet music stands upright and in a locked position. When the moment was right, and after a random tingle from a triangle, all the players assembled and took their places. A conductor stepped up.
‘I’d always hoped to perform in front of people again,’ I joked, waving a quick hello to all the new faces who’d adjourned in the kitchen. ‘I just didn’t expect it would be like this.’
‘I thought maybe you could start with a small crowd.’ Marcus smirked, finger and thumb pinched together. Regardless of the fact nobody knew what we were talking about, though I suspected it would only have been more obvious if I’d worn a sandwich board, our audience still tittered about excitedly.
At a glance, my knuckles were white as my fingers twisted around each other. ‘Okay, so, firstly, I was wrong.’
Every single man in the room laughed. It wasn’t just a polite, ‘We aren’t sure what’s happening laugh’, but the laugh of men who’d been married long enough to know better. Instead of joining them, Marcus simply smiled politely and waited for me to continue. He pushed Janie’s hand away as she stuck an entire first in his mouth.
‘When I moved here, I was determined that this was going to be a fresh start. Life was going to be new and fun and exciting, and I was going to make my way in this amazing new job while, somehow, managing to keep to myself. I was determined not to make the same mistakes I had made in the past. Except, I think I may have done exactly that.’ I swallowed despite a Sahara dry mouth.
‘I like her,’ said an elderly voice somewhere to my left.
‘Yeah, me, too.’ Marcus took another step towards me and offloaded Janie, who was so happy about the idea she thrust herself backwards in a stiff arch and mewled at her mother.
‘You see, I had this idea of what I wanted and who could and couldn’t provide that, and I was going to stick to that. It was almost like this checklist of no suits, no ties, no egos, no … everything that I had known. I didn’t want the popular guy, the one who made heads turn when he walked in a room.’
‘I hardly do that.’ Marcus scratched at the back of his neck.
‘He really doesn’t,’ Jessica chimed in.
‘You really do. The problem with that, as you know, was that I wasn’t opening myself up to new people or experiences. Guilt by association, I suppose you’d call it.’
‘Do you—’ Marcus pointed to somewhere that could have been the staircase, or the ceiling cavity. ‘Look, you know how much this lot loves theatre. They live for drama. Do you want to go somewhere private and finish this?’
‘Here is good.’ I gave my head a quick shake. ‘I’ve been letting past experiences dictate the future. I don’t want to continue like that. I can see how it’s affected me, and us. I’ll be honest, figuring this out did take a few deep and meaningfuls with other people but, you know, I got there in the end.’
His smile deepened. ‘You rang your mum?’
‘I did.’ I took a deep breath. ‘That was interesting.’
‘How was that?’
‘As much as I’d hate to admit, I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.’
‘Yes it does. Don’t discount yourself.’
I smiled gently, my increasingly snotty nose making me sound all backed up. ‘What I was doing to you is what she was doing to me, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be like that. I want to break that cycle.’
‘Cycle?’ he teased with a wrinkle of the nose. ‘Did you bring your bike with you?’
‘See, the funny thing is, it’s a tandem,’ I joked. ‘I hope you don’t mind. I mean, if you want to get back in the saddle with me, I’d really like that.’
‘I …’ He nodded. ‘I think I can get behind that. I mean, you will let me sit up the front and pilot, won’t you?’
‘Occasionally,’ I teased. ‘Can’t always be about you.’
‘Come here.’ He took me by the hand and pulled me into the empty lounge room at the front of the house. When muted, scandalised laughter began, Marcus turned back to his family. ‘Like I was going to do this part in front of you, you pack of vultures.’
The sliding door closed with a heavy thud, barely muting the laughter on the other side. For a quiet moment, we did nothing but look at each other.
‘I missed you,’ I whispered.
He didn’t answer. Instead, he pulled me into him and kissed me. Though we’d only had the briefest time apart, we kissed like I’d just come back from a months-long overseas sabbatical. Marcus was always a confident kisser but this, this was something new. This said neither of us were leaving, ever again. Pulling back, I cupped his face and took him in all over again.
‘I love you.’
Marcus tipped his head and narrowed his eyes. ‘Is that food poisoni
ng speaking?’
‘I haven’t eaten anything you’ve cooked yet,’ I teased, kissing him again.
‘So, are you planning on staying, or are you making like Usain Bolt again?’ he asked.
‘I think I’ll stay this time.’
‘You picked a great time to do this, didn’t you?’ A smile teased his mouth. ‘Because, now, you have to meet not just my parents, but everybody.’ He swept his arm out with a flourish. ‘All of them, even the crazy ones who are here because no option.’
I took his hand in both of mine. ‘If there’s that many of them, we better get started.’
‘Whatever happens next—’ he pressed a kiss into my temple ‘—I love you, too.’
With little more than a wink and a smile, Marcus pushed the door open, and pulled me into the next chapter of my life. It was bright and beautiful, and I was looking forward to everything that came with it.
Chapter 28
‘So, I have a little bit of personal news that I wanted to share.’
Marcus’s statement was echoed by the shuffling of feet and the occasional clearing of a throat. Our end-of-year presentation had arrived, finally. The new yearbooks were delivered an hour before the start of the ceremony and were perfectly printed. Cakes and sandwiches jostled for pride of place on a table at the back of the gym, and I sat comfortably on the sidelines with a handful of other teachers as Marcus gave the closing speech of the night.
‘Last night, I was offered the role of vice principal.’ He fiddled with the papers in front of him and waited while polite clapping died off. ‘This morning, I declined the role on the basis that I am not ready.’
Low-level chatter began to rise, proportionate with the lump in my throat. Penny reached across and grabbed for my hand. This was all news to me, and I was a little confused as to why I hadn’t heard about this sooner. Or maybe I shouldn’t have been.
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