But he was practically begging her with his eyes, and he had locked the door. She’d opened herself up to this, given him the green light and accepted her fate—if only for one night—in order to satisfy this raging need. There was no going back now. “Okay I’ll stay but just long enough to hear you out. At least let me get dressed in case... in case they call for me.”
“No. I want you naked and vulnerable for this.”
What the hell? Her jaw dropped. She stared up at him accusingly. “Some kind of weird kinky game, or what?”
He shook his head, laughing softly. “I need you to be honest with me, that’s all. It’s only when you’re naked you get real. It’s only then you let me see any vulnerability, the real you.”
It was such a strange thing to hear, but somehow she recognized herself in his words. It felt intimate and private, like he knew something about her she didn’t and that shook her, deeply. Instinctively she covered her chest with her arms. This was too intense, it made her feel raw and confused, and she didn’t think she could handle it. It was easier to spar with him. “I’ve always been honest with you.”
“Yes, but with a guard up, a smart mouth and an urge to fight. When you’re stripped bare you act in a different way.”
She gave an exaggerated sigh and rolled her eyes. “Remind me not to get naked again.”
“You’re just trying to prove me wrong. You know it’s true. I can’t explain things properly when you’re playing the smart-mouthed rebel.”
“I’m not playing the rebel, I have a rebellious heart.” It was her motto but it suddenly sounded silly. Thankfully, he didn’t laugh.
“Okay, you know what I mean.”
Maybe he was right about the naked thing, but it unnerved her and forced to reach for her armor.
“It’s about intimacy. When we get intimate, you show me the real Rowan.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to see it again.”
His mouth lifted “I love you, Rowan, I always have.”
Her heart hammered against her chest, swelling with a myriad of emotions. How she’d longed to hear him speak that way to her. Her heart thudded against the wall of her chest. Her eyes smarted. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left.”
“There were reasons.”
“You didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I didn’t want to. So I didn’t.”
He hadn’t wanted to? She wavered unsteadily.
“I meant to come back for you sooner than this, believe me.”
Grabbing for support, she dropped back down onto the bed. A dozen questions and objections fought for prominence in her mind. “You were the oldest. We figured it was your decision. To me that meant you decided to go and leave me, like…you’d had enough of me.”
“That’s not how it was.” He sat down next to her, leaving a space between them. “I was the oldest yes, but that meant taking responsibility. I made decisions for you guys all the time when we were all trying to play happy families for our parent’s sake.”
That irritated her. “Are you saying it was our fault you up and left?”
“Not at all, but there are real reasons. Growing up back in Dublin I took charge of Rory. After that it became second nature. I had to protect him when he was a little kid. My dad wasn’t around a lot after my mum died. He used to drink, a lot, and he’d often kick the shit out of us.”
Rowan had known that part of their history. It’d been obvious her mum softened him and made him more of a family man.
“When we tipped up here from Dublin, we weren’t cut out for what happened, and we suddenly found ourselves starring in the Brady bunch show.”
She laughed at the old Brady reference, she couldn’t help it. It used to make them all laugh. Her mum had made them watch the DVDs, showing them they were like those two families shoved together in that way. They were nothing like them, but the joke held even more resonance because they all had greenish eyes, not all the same—in fact hers were more hazel until she was in bright sunlight, when they appeared true green—but it was about the only thing that made them look like they were actually related.
“It was better, of course it was, but deep down he still had that violent streak, and he used to pick on Rory because he was the easier target. I learned how to fist fight from my dad, because I had to stand up for both of us. It’s hard to hit back at your own father, believe me…”
He paused, and she could see it was haunted by it.
“…but he made it easier for me by being the biggest arsehole in the world to his kids, and in the end, I was better at fighting than him.”
Something had real happened to make them leave, she realized. It wasn’t just a whim. “Me and Sky always wondered.”
“When our parents found out about us, you remember what it was like, what they said about us, what they called us...”
She nodded. It’d been horrendous, the rows, the rules, slammed and locked doors that kept them physically separate. It broke her heart, but not as much as him leaving. She’d often heard Sean hollering back at his dad, even when she had her hands over her ears. “I’d have rather it stayed that way and you hadn’t left.”
“Rory wouldn’t stay out of it though,” he continued. “Then one day Dad had latched onto the fact Sky had a crush on him...he got really mad with us both. I took him on…I’d taken it for Rory for years and suddenly he was trying to stand by me. He got in the way, ended up with a couple of broken ribs.”
“Oh my God!”
He nodded. “Meanwhile Draco had been at us to leave for a long time. He was the one with the London dream. In the end I agreed to it to keep Rory safe, for the chance of a better life for him and to salvage what was a fairly decent family life for you and Sky.”
She was stunned. He’d done it for everyone else, not himself. “Decent? Dysfunctional at best.”
He smiled. “‘Dysfunctional?’ Listen to you, Ms Psychoanalyst.”
“I go to college now, there’s a lot you don’t know about me too. I’m studying psychology and sociology.”
“You always were smart. I’m glad you’re using it.”
“It’s not been easy getting there.” She didn’t want him to know why, not right now.
“I’m proud of you.”
She nodded, deep in thought, studying him while all the things he’d said ran through her mind. Over the years she’d been so off him for the wrong reasons. It made her feel stupid and insensitive. “I’m sorry you had to make the sacrifice.”
Deep down she’d rather he’d stayed. She’d have given up everything to be with him. “You could have taken me with you.”
“I thought about it.”
“I wish you’d said something.”
“I knew you’d have come with me. We had nothing though. I didn’t think it was right for you, not back then, but now…maybe.”
Now. Her chest tightened. Now she had a child and couldn’t up and leave. She had to change the line of conversation quickly before she said something she regretted. “Is that why you ended up in jail and the others didn’t, you taking responsibility again?”
He shook his head. “I had my hacker kit on me when we got arrested, that was why. But it meant I could keep the others out of it.”
She stared at him, admiring the way he downplayed it. He’d taken the rap for them all. Now both Rory and Draco had decent jobs and good lives. It wouldn’t have happened if Sean hadn’t taken responsibility.
“Was it horrible, being in jail?” She asked the question tentatively; still not sure she wanted to know.
He seemed to sense her unease because he stroked her arm, soothing her. “It’s an experience I never want to repeat, let’s leave it at that. But that’s good. It’s focused me, given me time to figure out what the most important thing in my life was. You.”
She shifted uneasily, wishing again he’d allowed her to get dressed. She felt ridiculous talking about it like this. Embarrassed, she crumpled and folded against him, her face against his shoulder, and her
hand on his heart.
Immediately, his arm locked her in place. “That’s better,” he whispered.
They sat in silence for a few moments, and then he kissed the top of her head. “I’d have given my right arm to spend two minutes by your side, Rowan.”
“In that case stop making me feel like a deluded drama queen.”
Laughing, he tutted. “Don’t feel that way.”
She sighed.
“I love how strong you are,” he continued, “but as tough as you are, I need to know you need a man sometimes, and I want that man to be me, always.”
Shocked to the core, unnerved by what he was saying, her thoughts were in turmoil. It sounded like a confession, and it turned her inside out. Could she trust him though? Love? Commitment? Out of nowhere? After she’d nursed a broken heart for three years with not a word? She could scarcely begin to even think it through, because every word he said unlocked the pain she’d held locked in her heart for so long. Pain that came from losing him when he’d disappeared on her.
She pulled free.
“I love you, Rowan,” he repeated, “and I wanted you to be naked while I said it, because I don’t want a smartarse response, I want to know what you really feel.”
She ached to hide in his arms again, even while it echoed through her mind, what he’d said about needing her vulnerable. He’d never described her that way before. Was it true? She shook her head. “No, Sean. Don’t do this, please.”
Buckling, she covered her face with her hands, her heart thumping against the wall of her chest. He’d told her he loved her before. It meant nothing then. That’s what she’d learnt from his departure. Why was he doing it again? Why did he have to do it like this, making it blatant and hard to deny, when it was so hard to fight back?
Her chest felt as if it would fracture from the weight of this moment. It opened up too many deep emotions. The long nights spent wishing he’d taken her with him. The regret and heartache. She’d thought it long-buried, but how quickly it had surfaced at his command, raw and hurting.
She felt him moving. He gently drew her hands away from her face and she saw he was kneeling at her feet, staring into her eyes. The strong lines of his face were softened with concern. “I came straight to you because I had to tell you.”
“You said it before and you didn’t mean it.”
“I did mean it, but I had to make a choice. Perhaps we could’ve made it if you’d come with us, maybe I was stupid and I wasn’t ready for that extra responsibility.”
It was so true it was laughable, but Rowan didn’t feel like laughing, far from it. “So after all that you went out and did some stupid hacking that you simply had to take responsibility for. Do you know how angry I am with you for landing yourself in jail?”
She hadn’t meant to say that either. She didn’t want to appear as if she cared that much.
He sighed, and clasped her hands inside his. “I regret it every day of my life, but even more than that, I regret leaving your side.”
She trembled, wishing she could believe him.
“You’re cold.” He pulled her in against him.
The warmth of his body was too good and she tipped her head back and looked at him. “Why couldn’t you just fuck me, tonight, why did you have to say all those things?”
She wasn’t aware she was crying until he wiped the dampness from her cheek with his thumb. Raw and unsteady, she shook her head at him.
He held her jaw in one powerful hand, not allowing her to look away. “This is how well I know you, Rowan….I wanted to tell you I love you the moment I walked through the door, but I had to get you alone and undone for you to even begin to take me seriously.”
Despite her mixed emotions she laughed. “You mean it wasn’t just an elaborate plan to get laid?”
He shook his head, and cupped her cheek.
Her resistance was fast faltering, but she clung to it. “Three years has gone by, you don’t know me anymore.”
“Clearly you’re wrong, I do. I get you naked the truth comes out.” His gorgeous mouth moved into a sloping smile. “You did want to hear me out… didn’t you? You’d have flounced out by now if id said the wrong thing.”
“You always were so damn cocksure of yourself.”
He shrugged, then dropped his head and began to kiss her neck.
Naked in his embrace, she almost floated away into the happier memories and longing, he body hanging like a rag doll in his fierce embrace. He was always a strong guy, demanding, but this directness was new. It was unnerving, moving her deeply, and it was a huge turn on too. She trembled in his arms. Just when she wanted to deny him her body decided to betray her.
“You said you wanted me to fuck you to make it easier, you feel the same way, deep down.” He whispered the words on her throat, his hands roving over her naked back, while his lips led a trail of kisses to her collarbone. “If you didn’t care it wouldn’t upset you to listen, to acknowledge what I’m saying here…the way you reacted shows me you still care.”
No. He wanted her to say the L-word too. No way. “You just want me the way I was, a giddy girl mad for you. I’m not that girl anymore.”
“I can see that. It makes me love you even more, the woman you’ve become.”
Desire was turning her to liquid heat, boneless, powerless, his caresses freeing denials from her mind with every touch.
“Is it so hard to accept my apology, to acknowledge how much I care?” He kissed the soft skin of her breast, right above her heart. “Come on, Rowan.”
Unable to resist, she stroked her hand over his shorn head.
A moment later he drew back, looking into her eyes. “I’m on my knees here. That’s how badly I need you to understand.”
The tone in his voice undid her, combined as it was with such humble words. The expression in his eyes begged her to meet him half way, to relinquish. It was too much. She stared back at him, silently begging him to make it easier.
Nodding, he took her fully into his arms, and kissed her mouth.
Groaning against his mouth, she laid back onto the bed.
“Don’t fight it,” he whispered, stroking his hand over heart, and climbed over her.
In the morning I’ll think more clearly, she told herself.
Right now she just wanted to enjoy the moment.
Chapter Seven
Sean woke to the sound of voices on the landing outside the room he was in.
Light spilled through the badly pulled curtains. Blinking, he tried to make sense of what he could hear. It was the sound of a child’s laughter, he realized. Someone made a hushing noise and there were giggles.
Attempting to roll over, he found his arm locked around something warm and feminine. It was Rowan. It might have been a dream. God knows he’d dreamt of her often enough, waking up hard with desire. Without even processing his thoughts, he growled with pleasure, pulled her tighter against him and started nibbling at her neck. It was such a pleasure to find she’d stayed and not snuck off in the night once he was asleep.
The noise on the landing continued, then footsteps sounded on the stairs.
Rowan’s body tensed in his arms.
He hoped he wasn’t doing something wrong. Kissing the back of her neck, he murmured her name again. He was getting hard, his body eager for more of her.
Again he heard the sound of squealing and laughter until it faded away down the stairs.
Rowan groaned. “Crap!”
“Is that a kid laughing?”
“Yes.” Rowan snapped the single word reply out and shot free of his arms.
Sean looked after her regretfully, still holding the bunched up sheet in his grasp as if he could keep her in place in doing so. She was pulling on her clothes, which was a crying shame. She was even more gorgeous than before, if that was even possible. More curvy and soft than he’d remembered. The image of her had stayed in his mind all this time, and it was probably the only thing that got him through his custodial sentence with a
ny sense of sanity.
“Stop staring at me like that,” Rowan snapped. “I have a child, so now you know.”
Sean frowned. His brain wasn’t quite fully awake. “I’m only staring because you look so gorgeous.”
She threw him an even more disgusted look.
She had a child? Confusion swamped him. “I didn’t know you’d had a baby.”
Her expression was thoroughly annoyed “I’m surprised no one in our so-called family spilled it behind my back.”
Coming quickly to his senses, he sat up. Looking around the room, he suddenly saw signs of it. There was a teddy bear on the dressing table. He might have assumed it was hers, if he’d even noticed it. All he could see was her, the night before. Three years was a long time, things had changed more than he’d imagined.
It was a guest room but there was a box on top of the wardrobe that looked suspiciously like it held a bunch of toys. “Wait, you’re not still with that Declan bloke, are you?”
If looks could kill, he’d be dead. Sean felt the full force of her wrath in one withering glance. She looked betrayed, her eyes full of fury. Her reaction made her looked hotter still though, and he craved her like nothing he’d ever craved before and probably ever would again.
She threw up her hands in a frustrated gesture, still glaring at him. “A bit late to be wondering if you’re stomping on someone else’s territory isn’t it.”
“Hey, I heard you’d gone out with Declan, but I thought that was over. And since you’re living with the twin set and pearls brigade I figured—”
“You ‘figured.’ Bloody hell! So I’m supposed to be a nun now, just because I’m living with Nan and Aunt Gladys?”
Was she saying the father was someone else, not Declan? How many boyfriends had there been? Confused, he scrubbed his hand over his head, wishing he was more awake for this. A possessive sense of jealousy had a grip on him, triggered by the thought of other guys, the unwelcome images of her being involved with anyone but him.
The thought of that dipshit Declan being on the scene was bad enough. Sean had only been able to shelve it because he thought the guy was history. Was Declan still around, doing weekend dad-type visits, spending time with Rowan? In a flash he was on his feet. “How could you have a kid with that loser?”
Sean: A Stepbrother Romance (Coded for Love Book 3) Page 5