“Really.” He sat back on his heels. “And just how do you intend to do that?”
“By not being patient and trying to convince you that you’re wrong. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong in your own eyes. All that matters is that I’m going to get what I want. I’m so tired of fighting you. I want to fight with you.”
“It does matter, Cara. It has to matter.”
“Then you should know that I’m not waiting to be traded off to Joe when it’s your turn to go after Svardak. Whatever made you believe I’d aIlow it?” She paused. “Tomorrow, I’ll go looking for Joe, and I’ll stay with him until we catch Svardak. I can’t let him get his hands on Joe.”
“The hell you will!”
She shook her head and stared him in the eye. “I’m going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me. Accept it, Jock. You’re welcome to go with me though I’d prefer you don’t. Svardak scared me when he was talking about you. But you’re very clever at hunting, and I’d be foolish to refuse your help.”
“How kind of you to consider me an asset.” His eyes were blazing. He added sarcastically, “You’ll forgive me if I don’t return the compliment. You’d be a total disaster. Don’t even think about it.”
“Of course I have to think about it. You’re perfectly right, I’m not qualified. But I wouldn’t be a total disaster. I have one asset you don’t have, Jock.”
“And what’s that?”
She said simply, “Svardak wants me very badly. I might not have to go to him, there’s every chance he might come to me.”
“Son of a bitch.” He didn’t speak for a moment. “Why am I even surprised?”
“I don’t know.” She smiled sadly. “You’re so clever that you’re always two steps ahead of everyone. It’s probably that you didn’t want to think about it. Like I didn’t want to think about Svardak knowing who you are. Because it hurts too much.”
“It won’t hurt. I won’t let you near him.”
“I leave in the morning. I think you’ll be with me.” She got to her feet. “In the meantime, I’m going to go to bed. It’s been a rough few hours for me.” She untied her robe and slipped it off. She thought about taking off the sleep shirt, then decided against it. Provocation wasn’t why she’d come here, and Jock was on edge already. “But I’d like it very much if you’d hold me until I go to sleep. Which side of the bed do you usually sleep on? I don’t want to intrude.”
“Intrude?” He slowly got to his feet. “What are you doing, Cara?”
She answered herself. “The right side, the pillow is mussed.” She lifted the cover and slipped into the left side. “Turn out the light, Jock. I’ve told you what I’m going to do, and there’s no use arguing about it right now. I just want you to hold me.”
He was staring intently at her expression. “You’re frightened? You don’t want to be alone?”
“I don’t want to be alone,” she repeated. “Hold me.”
He reached over and turned out the lamp. “We’re not finished talking, Cara. And this isn’t a good idea.”
“Hold me.”
And then he was in bed beside her, his arms pulling her close. “Better?”
She exhaled slowly as she cuddled closer. The scent of him … The feel of him … “Much better. You didn’t have to panic. It’s not as if I was going to attack you. This isn’t easy for me either.”
“I assure you, panic isn’t what I’m feeling,” he said thickly. “And you should go back to your room.”
“This is my room.” She nestled her head in the hollow of his shoulder. “Wherever you are, that’s where I’m going to be from now on. That’s another thing I decided after I hung up from Svardak. I won’t risk losing what we could be together. When I was at the canyon, I had to force myself not to think of you because I was so sad at all we’d missed, what we might have had.” She had to steady her voice. “So get used to having me in your bed. It’s not going to change. I’m not listening to you any longer.” Her lips brushed his shoulder. “Feel free to ignore me, but I don’t believe you will. Because I’ve got a wild card. You’ll always remember that if I’d been in your bed that night, Svardak wouldn’t have been able to take me.”
He was silent. “It’s something that I won’t easily forget. That doesn’t alter the basic argument.”
“Hush. No more of this. Just hold me and tell me you want me here. Do you know how difficult it is for me to act this aggressive? I don’t have the experience for it.”
“Oh, are we back to those zillions again? I assure you that you’re doing very well.”
“I know I should be better. But I figure until I learn all the tricks that you won’t mind putting up with me, because you do love me, Jock.”
His hand reached up to stroke her hair. “That’s quite perceptive of you. One always has to know one’s limitations and how to overcome them.”
“I don’t regard it as a limitation. It will be a challenge. You’ve always liked showing me new things.” She got up on one elbow and looked down at him. “Your body feels … hard. I like it. Is this how it starts?”
“I’ve gone way beyond the starting gate.”
“Good.” She laid her head back down on his shoulder. “Then I don’t have to be aggressive anymore. What do I do next?”
“Nothing.” His hand was gently stroking her throat. “Lessons aren’t what you asked of me when you came to my bed tonight. You wanted me to hold you and tell you that I wanted you here. You said you needed it.” His fingers were mesmerizingly gentle. “Do you still need it, Cara?”
“I always want to know you want me with you,” she said unevenly. “And it’s not what I need all the time. I don’t ever want to cheat you again.”
“You didn’t cheat me.” His arms tightened around her. “I’m holding you. Do I want you here? Aye, there isn’t a moment I don’t want you with me.” His hands tangled in her hair. He whispered, “You’re not going to give up, are you?”
She shook her head.
“What am I going to do with you?”
“I’m sure something will occur to you. But words will help.”
“You want words?” he asked. “You’re the only thing in life that makes it worth living to me. I value everything about you. Your smile, your humor, the way your eyes light up when you see me, how much you care for everyone around you, your honesty, your stubbornness. I don’t know why we were brought together, but I thank God we were. Is it any wonder that I want to keep you happy and safe?” He brushed his lips across her cheek. “It’s purely selfish on my part.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Are those enough words for you?”
“No,” she added huskily, “I want more. But that will do for now. Words can only go so far. Because I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe I’m the one who’s being cheated.” She tucked her head beneath his chin. “And if you love me that much, then I deserve more from you. You’re just a little confused with all that highfalutin honorable nonsense.” She kissed his throat, then closed her eyes. “But I’m willing to forgive you if you come to your senses soon. I’m going to go to sleep now. Thank you for holding me, and making my world come right again, and for that beautiful declaration.”
“My pleasure,” he said thickly. His arms tightened around her. “Anytime.”
“No, not anytime.” She cuddled closer. “It has to be soon. We deserve it…”
CHAPTER
11
He was gone.
His warmth, the golden strength of his body, the scent of him that had surrounded her through the night.
Gone.
Sadness.
Loneliness.
Cara reached out in the darkness for him. “Jock…”
“Shh, I’m here.” His hand grasped her own, warm strong … “I just wanted to sit here and watch you sleep.”
She opened her eyes. It was still mostly dark in the room, but there was enough light so that she could see him sitting in the chair beside the bed. “That’s not fair. Did I snor
e or anything?”
“Nary a snore. Just a kind of purr, like a kitten.”
“I think you’re lying to me.”
“Never. Not even for your own good. I’ve been a total failure.”
“You don’t know how to fail.” She paused. “But why were you watching me?”
“I was having trouble not waking you. Putting distance between us was one solution.”
“Not a good one.” Her hand tightened on his. “Because you woke me by not being here for me. I missed you.”
“It seemed the thing to do at the time. I had a few things to think about, and you were getting in my way.” He reached forward and gently touched her cheek. “You always get in my way. You’re always there. I tried so hard. Why wouldn’t you listen to me?”
She went still. There was something in his tone … Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe. “Because you were wrong. But maybe you aren’t now?” She pushed herself to a sitting position, her gaze searching the darkness. “Turn on the light. I want to see your face. What were you thinking about?”
He made no move to turn on the light. “I was thinking that there was no way I could go through what I did that morning at the hotel again. I don’t care if I’m a selfish bastard or ignoring the greater good. I can’t take it.”
“I believe the greater good isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s all in the eye of the beholder. Go on. What else?”
“What else? Isn’t that enough? You told me that you’d never give up on us. That you’d always be in my life. But I can’t be sure of keeping you safe unless I’m with you.” He paused. His next words were unsteady. “So I have to be with you.” He was silent again, then he asked, “Will you let me share your bed until you find out how wrong you are about me?”
She closed her eyes as the waves of relief cascaded over her. “Thank God.”
“Is that yes?”
Her eyes flicked open. “It wasn’t perfect, but yes. Your other declaration was much better. This one was full of mistakes and false assumptions. You will never control me just because we’re having sex. It has to be because I believe it’s important to make you happy in that way. And it’s you who will find out how wrong you are.” She got up on her knees on the bed. “But on the whole, I’m grateful that you’ve come this far. We’ll go into the rest later.” She pulled her sleep shirt over her head and threw it on the floor. “Now will you turn on the light? I really want to see you when we’re having sex. You were so wonderful-looking when you opened the door tonight. Like one of those beautiful Greek statues.”
Silence. “Who said we’re going to have sex now?” he said silkily. “Aren’t you taking too much for granted?”
She stiffened. “Am I? You don’t want me? I told you I was afraid there might be a problem. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you. We don’t have to—”
“Hush.” He was suddenly on his knees on the bed facing her. “I was teasing you. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and out of control. Do I want you?” His hands were suddenly on her breasts, his thumb’s flicking back and forth on her nipples. “I’ve been sitting here trying to keep myself from jumping back into bed and coming inside you. Aye, you might say I want you, Cara.” His mouth was on her throat and then moving down to her breasts. He was cuddling her breasts in his hands, lifting them to his mouth. “If you want to completely understate what I’m feeling.” He was licking her nipples, sucking delicately, then nibbling with tiny, sharp bites.
Scorching heat.
He bit harder.
Her back arched. “Jock!”
“Shh.” He was pushing her back on the bed. “And the reason why I don’t want the damn light on is that I can’t keep control of myself right now. I’m burning up, and I have to be careful with you.” He was pushing her legs wider, then his fingers were rubbing, plucking, massaging. “And all I want to do is push up and in you.”
His fingers … Her stomach was clenching. He wasn’t the only one burning … She gasped. “Then do it.”
“I will.” His mouth was on her breast again. “Soon.”
His fingers again, but moving slowly now, but deeper.
Not deep enough. Not fast enough.
She couldn’t stand it.
Her nails bit into his shoulders. “Now!”
“No.” He was breathing hard. “Easy, love. I have to be careful to—”
“No, you don’t.” Why was he talking instead of moving? She was pulling him over her, in her. “I can’t stand it. You don’t have to do anything but this.” She lunged upward.
Pain. She cried out and froze for an instant.
“Dammit,“Jock’s voice was harsh, agonized. “See? Why wouldn’t you listen?”
“Because it wasn’t important. This is the only thing that’s important.” She started to move again. “You. Me. This. Help me, Jock.”
Fever.
Heat.
Her heart was beating so hard she could scarcely breathe.
“No.” His teeth were clenched. “You’re important. Don’t do—” He broke off as she lunged up to meet him again. He closed his eyes. “Shit!”
Then he was going deep, holding her hips immobile as he plunged. He was swearing softly as he moved. “Cara, this isn’t what— I should have known I’d—”
“Shut up.” She pulled him down and kissed him. “I love you. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time. If you want to worry about something, worry about not disappointing me.”
He gazed down at her, and she could see the moisture glittering in his eyes. Then he stroked the side of her face with the most incredible tenderness. “I believe it’s too late for anything else,” he said unsteadily. “So I promise you won’t be disappointed.” He kissed her, slowly, sensuously. “But I think we’ll slow down a bit, just a little because I can’t bear anything else. But teasing is always good.” His fingers were rotating, plucking, pinching, pulling. “What do you think?”
She cried out.
His heat. His fullness. Surrounded by the erotic motion of his fingers.
She thought if he didn’t stop, she was going to scream.
Then his fingers moved again, and she knew she’d scream if he did stop.
“Jock…”
“Soon, love.” His face lean, intense, his lips curved in a purely carnal smile. “There’s so much more … I’ll make the wait worth your while.” He added another finger. “After all, I made you a promise.”
She gasped, her muscles clenching. “I don’t … believe I can wait. Can’t you postpone this until later? I … think … that … we should—”
Then she did scream as he made still another movement. “Jock, dammit, now.”
“Shh. Okay. You’re right. Definitely later.” He was over her, gathering her still closer. “No way I can take any more of this…” He kissed her, and whispered, “Hold on to me, Cara.” He kissed her again. “And I’ll hold on to you. I’ll never let you go again.”
Never let you go. Sweet words. Glorious words, she thought dazedly. Words she had wanted to hear from him for all the years they’d been together, through deep friendship and the first bewildering tendrils when friendship had turned to love. Had that love always been there waiting to be born? Eve had thought that it had.
It was as if the two of you had been meant to complete each other.
What a beautiful thought. As beautiful as Jock, as beautiful as this moment.
Then she couldn’t think at all because he was deep inside her, and the world was exploding around her.
Never let you go …
* * *
“Are you all right?” Jock was frowning as he sat up in bed and watched Cara come out of the bathroom. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, I’m not all right.” She took off her shower cap and tossed back her hair before tightening her robe and crawling back in bed. “I’m perfect. I’m no longer an anachronism. Thank you very much. And you were almost not turned off by the fact that you had to do the deed.”
“S
hut up,” he said gruffly as he pulled her close. “You are perfect. But you were perfect before, and I was not turned off by anything. You’re totally magnificent.”
“I’m totally magnificent when I’m playing my violin. I’m a mere amateur at playing this kind of game. But I’ll get better with practice.” She tucked her head in the hollow of his shoulder. “And, admit it, you were intimidated at the idea of despoiling my virgin body. You were backing away so quickly, I thought I was going to lose you for a minute.”
“I was not intimidated. I was worried about hurting you, but that wasn’t my problem.” His lips twisted bitterly. “But it might as well have been because I managed to put you at risk anyway. So much for protecting you. I was a total failure. Nothing was going right. I was an ass. I went up in flames.”
“Thank God.” But he was clearly upset, and she did not want anything to spoil this night. “And I saw no sign you were a total failure. You were entirely too good. Why were you being an ass?”
“You probably haven’t had time to think about it. I didn’t protect you. I was intending to do it, but it was you, and I’d wanted you for so damn long and—I’m making excuses and there are no excuses. Please … forgive me.”
She stared at him in bewilderment. “What on earth are you talking about?”
“I told you that you hadn’t thought about it. Dammit, for all I know you could be pregnant. I didn’t protect you, dammit.”
“And that’s why you’re ready to cut your throat? For heaven’s sake, I didn’t give you a chance.” She started to laugh. “And I didn’t protect me either. Which means I didn’t protect you. That’s far worse on the scale when you think about it. I know how responsible you are and what kind of burden a child could be on you. Because with you, it would be a lifetime commitment whether or not you wanted to be a father. So who’s most to blame, Jock?”
“Me.” He was scowling. “Because you’re young and brilliant and shouldn’t be tied down by my selfishness. Don’t try to be generous. I screwed up.”
“I don’t remember it quite like that. I seem to recall I was being very aggressive trying to overcome that damn virgin stigma. But, of course, you wouldn’t take that into consideration.” She suddenly scooted away from him, sat up in bed, and crossed her legs. “So I’d better clarify this point before it takes on a life of its own.” She giggled. “Actually, that’s pretty funny, but you’re not laughing.”
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