Your stories help you make sense of how you are right now. They are not about the “truth” of what “really” happened, but your current understanding of your model of the world. And because this is a story, it can be changed, edited, rewritten, or even abandoned.
The story that the PWS is telling you usually begins some time in their childhood. There may be a specific inciting event that makes sense in terms of the story: “It was when X happened that this feeling of being inadequate really struck home …”
One way of rewriting the story is to go back to that inciting incident – whatever starts the story – and change the conditions surrounding it so that it doesn’t happen in that way. This is not about actually changing “the past” – what happened, happened. It is about changing the PWS’s current interpretation of what happened. After all, they were a child at the time, and without the understanding, the coping mechanisms, the strategies for change that they now have as an adult. Treating the story as a fiction makes changing someone’s emotional response to “their past” much easier. You could, for example, imagine going back to the inciting incident and giving those significant others the resources they needed at the time. In your imagination, you are unlimited.
The following process provides a means of rewriting the story so that the PWS can go back and change the story of their life. I have revised Michael Hall’s original version (Hall, 2001–2002) to make it more appropriate for use with PWS. Several PWS have found the following pattern helpful. It makes for a great homework piece. You can also coach the person through the pattern.
Exercise 4.4: Creating a new self narrative
Overview
Discover your story:
a. “Up until now the story of my life has comprised a story of …”
b. “If I described the plot or theme of my life it would be …”
c. Complete the statement: “Up until now … I thought, believed, felt, acted …”
Step back from the story.
Find counter-examples.
Make up a new story that is more empowering.
Explain to the PWS that we understand our lives as stories. Because these stories may no longer serve you, you can choose to update them, edit them or otherwise “re-story” your life. Stop telling yourself the old blocking story and tell yourself a new one instead.
1. Discover your story.
Ask the PWS some questions along the following lines:
What story have you been living up until now that contributes to your blocking?
Where did that story come from? Did someone give it to you? Did you make it up yourself?
Is the story part of your family story, your cultural story, your religious story, your racial story …?
How much of the story did you personally adapt or create?
Tell about the theme of your life. What do you detect as the underlying narrative or pattern?
Does your narrative tell a story of victimhood or survival, of failing or winning, of connecting or disconnecting, of being rejected or of being loved and accepted …?
“Up until now the story of my life has comprised the story of …”
(for example: a victim, a failure, bad luck, stress, rejection, ease, success, popularity, fame and so on)
“If I described the plot or theme of my life it would be …”
(for example: a tragedy, a drama, a soap-opera, horror, melodrama, education plot, and so on)
Complete the statement: “Up until now … I have thought, believed, felt, acted …”
And then describe fully how you have responded mentally, emotionally, physically to your old story, in terms of your verbal behavior, the decisions you have made, the expectations you had and so on.
2. Step back from the story.
Evaluate the usefulness, productivity, value and emotional enjoyment of your story.
Would you recommend living in that story to anyone else?
How well has this narrative served you? What doesn’t work very well or feel very good about that story?
Do you feel stuck simply because you do not know of anything else that you could possibly say about your experiences other than what you have already said?
Looking back at what happened, how else could you interpret those events in the light of what you know now?
3. Find counter-examples.
Most people have exceptions to their stories. For instance, most PWS have times when they are not living in fear and anxiety. Instead, they are relaxed and hence speak fluently. There are even occasions when they do not block in situations where they usually would. Indeed, one of the first things I do in working with PWS is to analyze those times when they are consistently fluent, because that proves that the PWS knows how to not block and stutter, and demonstrates to the PWS that they have the necessary resources and strategies for fluency. Then I elicit the structure of how they do that, how they operate from a state of calmness, courage, determination, comfort and focus – or even indifference!
Ask how questions. “How did you do that?”
How did you not fall into anxiety and fear, but just keep at it?
How did you resist losing your calmness, and communicate with your boss anyway?
How did you not discount yourself in that instance?
How did you prevent things from getting even worse with all of that happening?
4. Make up a new story that is more empowering.
Now think about how you would like your story to take you into the future:
“From this day on I will increasingly become more of a person who …”
Just for fun, make up a wild and rambunctious story. Use your imagination to its fullest capacity! Which positive and bright sparkling activities from your past could you really experience to the full? What kind of story would that be? Of course this may seem totally unrealistic, but you never know. Once you have experienced your dreams, you may want them to come true!
Given this fantasy version of what could be, bring some of that sparkle into a more “reasonable” story. What would you like to grow into your new dominant story?
What might be the consequences – both limiting and enhancing – of that?
If you need some inspiration for writing your new story, think of all the people you know who already demonstrate aspects of the story you would like your life to be:
Whom do you know that you admire and appreciate?
What story do they tell themselves about who they are, about others, the world …?
How could you have that for yourself?
You know how to tell stories, because you do it every day of your life! But now you are going to do it from the writer’s (dissociated) point of view, which is objective, and has a clear intention. By objectifying your position you can see the events in your life as separate from you. You are outside of the problem, witnessing it, rather than directly experiencing it. Remember, you can only block when you are inside the state. By stepping outside you are in a position to study it, and to rewrite your story so that it turns out the way you would like it.
Chapter Five
Working with Stress
States of being
If I were to ask you what state of mind you are presently in, you could probably answer quite readily. Since you are reading this book, you may answer, “I am in a learning state.” Or you may say, “I am in a curious state” or even, “I am in a state of confusion.” You can usually give a name to the state of mind you are in at any given moment. Because “state” is hard to define precisely, we often use metaphors. We often talk about emotional states as though they are liquids which fill us up: “I’m full of admiration” or run dry: “I’m drained of pity”. Emotions such as anger boil over, while love flows out.
You are always in some state of mind or emotion (unless you are dead), and this state of mind is in constant flux. Although many states are transitory – moments of exhilaration or dismay – some states may become habitual. What is your “usual” state? Are
you generally grumpy, happy, tired, carefree, optimistic or energized …?
Your state (whether anger, fear, anxiety, love, happiness …) affects the way you interact with the world and other people. Each state influences the way you see, think, and feel, and thus your ability to communicate with others. Your ability to learn is governed by the particular state you are in at the time. You know from your own experience that if you are feeling bored or tired, or you have to take care of other people’s needs, you are not going to be in the best state for paying attention to new information or thinking about how you can develop new ways of doing things.
Your physiological state, measured in terms of general arousal, can vary between coma to “up and at ’em” activity. Physiological and emotional states are related. For example, think of times when you were angry, anxious, curious, happy, attentive, confused, loving, and so on, and consider, “What does being in this state allow me to do – and not do?” You discover that your options vary a great deal. When you are in a state of high arousal you are more likely to experience certain kinds of emotional state and not others; it is hard to be under great stress and maintain a state of equanimity.
Getting the message
If you are experiencing a stressful state, your options are reduced. If you treat stress as a message from your body to your mind, it informs you that you need to take action to reduce your stress level. However, if the stress is producing fear and that is triggering a blocking response, taking effective action might be difficult. If fear initiates negative thinking, that is going to compound your inability to act appropriately.
Notice the kind of language that PWS use to amplify the blocking:
“I’m blocking again!!”
“I hate it when I stutter.”
“I can’t go on doing this!”
“If I stutter, they’ll think I’m stupid.”
“Am I going to go on blocking for the rest of my life?”
I know that it usually isn’t just this simple. Those old horror movies really are grooved into the muscles and run out of conscious awareness. Because they flow deeply, just talking to yourself using positive thinking will not fix them instantly. Yet by habitually talking to yourself in language that is positive and supportive, rather than beating yourself up, can produce remarkable and surprising results. Turning around what you say to yourself will change your behavior, but it will take a little time.
Dealing with stress
The time to learn state management skills, of course, is not during the stress storm. Learning navigation skills when a ship is tossing and turning in the open sea in the midst of 40 foot waves is a bit late in the game.
Michael Hall (1997)
Generally, when people are stressed, they are not in a good place for learning new strategies for changing their behavior. Under stress, people tend to revert to instinctive or habitual patterns, and these are often of the “fight, flight or freeze” variety. The PWS’s usual response to stress is to freeze – then to start blocking. Therefore, by treating the freezing up as a signal, the PWS knows it is time to engage their flow response to this situation instead.
The way to manage your stress is to learn how to avoid sending the “Danger!” message when you encounter threats which are imaginary or irrational. Because the body-mind is hardwired to respond to any kind of threat, this is going to take some doing. It means learning to alter the meanings that you have given to certain events.
Having a conversation with someone is not usually a life threatening experience! You have to find a way to stop reacting as if it were, and to realize that in everyday conversations people are generally supportive and friendly. This means learning to respond more appropriately with your adult mind, maintaining state control, going with the flow, rather than reverting to the instinctive flight responses stemming from childhood hurts.
If you perceive a conversation as stressful, that tells you that you need to make some changes. One of those changes involves loving and honoring yourself no matter how you speak. Speaking is just talking. The fact is no one has ever died from blocking.
I asked some of my clients for their response to this idea. One replied:
I think the real fear is that I am NOT going to die. If I died then I would not have to live out the shame and humiliation. I am not in a life threatening situation but I am in a self-esteem threatening situation. What is more painful, being totally humiliated or dying? At least dying will end my misery. But being humiliated seems never to end and it is a real threat. That is why it kicks the fight/flight syndrome into action. Seriously, death is easy compared to living a life of humiliation. Sounds weird but ask any PWS how many times they wished they were dead. It is not the fear of death that activates the fight/flight mechanism it is the fear of humiliation. [Italics added]
Therefore start managing stress by raising your self-esteem and stopping thinking so much about other people’s opinions of you. When you create new meanings of (reframe) the old triggers that produced blocking, there will be no need to become stressful, and you will be able to enjoy your conversations.
How to achieve relaxed alertness
To avoid the fear and anxiety emotions that set off blocking, the following Flying Into Calm pattern shows how you can learn to recognize the bodily symptoms of stress, to accept these as part of the normal functioning of the body, and to use various breathing, stretching and muscle relaxing exercises to achieve a state of calmness.
How can you become truly masterful in coping and handling the demands, challenges, threats, fears, and so on, of communicating at work and at home so that you don’t stress out about these things? How can you?
Exercise 5.1: The Flying Into Calm Pattern
This is a self-help pattern for overcoming blocking.
Overview
Recognize the presence of stress.
Notice your strategy for stress
Practice flying into calm.
Find your calm state.
1. Recognize the presence of stress.
You can only control or manage something effectively when you are aware of it. Therefore notice your bodily responses in those contexts which trigger the stress that initiates the blocking, and become aware of any stress in your body.
Stress usually shows up in the body of a PWS as tightness in the throat, chest and jaw. The muscles tense in those areas and become inflexible. Now it may be that you have become so habituated to those stresses that at first the stress is not apparent. If you do not feel anything, you may find it useful to have some massage or bodywork sessions. Having gentle pressure applied to your body will let you know where you are holding the tension in your body – it will feel knotted up, and hurt a bit.
Interpret the stress as a message from your body that you need to do something different. By communicating with the tension and tightness it can teach you. Be still and establish communication with that part of you responsible for causing the tightness and tension. Of course you can talk to parts of your body. Just try it, and notice what happens. (There is more below on talking to yourself.) Once you have introduced yourself – (Yes, I’m serious: say “Hello” to that part of you) – you could ask the tightness in your neck or in your chest:
“What message do you have for me?”
“What are you trying to do for me?”
“What is the purpose of tensing in this way? Why have you tightened this part?”
When you ask such questions, you will find that you do get answers forming in your mind. Heed them, whatever they are, even if they surprise you.
2. Identify your strategy for stress.
What physical elements contribute to your stress or prevent you from operating from calmness?
Shallow breathing.
Tight throat and jaw.
Poor posture.
Contracted abdomen.
Lack of focus; constant eye shifting.
Tightening and holding neck muscles, pulling the head back.
It is also possib
le that you have emotional responses relating to these physical tensions in your body. It is as if the tension sets up pressures and needs requiring your attention. However, stress inhibits your ability to do this appropriately, and this then creates even more stress which can lead to impatience, frustration, and anger – which make calmness even further away.
Does your stress have a feeling of anger in it?
Does impatience contribute to your stress?
How much does the desire to speak fluently contribute to your stress?
3. Practice flying into a calm.
People sometimes describe getting angry as “flying into a rage”. With a strong trigger, people can fly into a rage at a moment’s notice. Could you also fly into a state of worry, dread, and anxiety? Sure you can. Well, if you can do that, then you have already have the ability to do the opposite, and fly into a calm. Doing that would put you in an appropriate state for speaking fluently. Flying into a calm enables you to access a state of calm when you need it. Indeed, if you were to fly into a calm when you would normally expect the trigger to lead to blocking, that would eliminate the problem of stuttering.
Actually, I know you can already do this. You have experienced the “telephone voice” phenomenon. You know the scenario: you’re in the middle of having an intense argument with a loved one. You’re hearing things coming out of your mouth (and you’re not blocking now!) or from that other person’s mouth that they would never say to a stranger (they save those kinds of things for the people that they love most! It’s their way of testing to see if you will keep on loving them if they do this to you!). So you are raising their voice, feeling really angry, upset, frustrated. and then the phone rings. You take a breath, pick up the phone, and then calmly and politely answer it. “Hello.” You speak with a calm, professional telephone voice. The context suddenly changed and you instantly flew into a calm!
I Have a Voice Page 13