by Jon Scieszka
“The Edison BrainWaver doesn’t just enhance brains . . . it also connects them! Allow me to demonstrate.”
“Aha,” says Frank. “So that’s it.”
Frank picks up Watson’s hot dog wrapper from the dugout floor.
“What’s it?” asks Watson.
But before Frank can explain, T. Edison turns and yells from the mound, “Watson! Will you please come out and help me?”
“No way,” says Watson’s mouth. But Watson’s body jumps up and strolls out to the mound.
Edison dials the BrainWaver up to 6. “Watch what happens when I think, SKIP, WATSON.”
Watson skips.
“Or—DANCE, WATSON.”
Watson steps a little dance.
Edison dials the BrainWaver to 7. He beams his brain waves off the cell phone towers on the ballpark roof, boosting and broadcasting his thoughts wide enough to cover everyone in the ballpark.
Edison thinks, This is good. Edison is good. All is good.
Watson, Chief Coach Jacobs, and Janegoodall think, All is good.
Connor, Mike, Ashley, and Joey think, All is good.
Jennifer, Wally, Mac, Daniel, Oliver, Mo, Jackie, Steve, and every single person in the stadium thinks, All . . . is . . . good.
“Everyone nod!” Edison thinks and says.
Everyone nods.
“Everyone wave!” Edison thinks and says.
Everyone waves.
“Success!” Edison laughs. “Brain control!” Edison laughs harder. “Watson—chicken dance!”
Watson tucks his hands in his armpits, flaps his elbows, and hop-steps around in circles in a very awful-looking chicken dance.
Edison laughs.
And laughs.
And laughs.
EDISON STANDS ON THE MIDVILLE MUD HENS PITCHING MOUND, nodding his head and waving his arms like some kind of demented brain-wave conductor.
Edison thinks.
His brain waves pulse.
Janegoodall twirls in a circle.
Edison thinks.
His brain waves pulse.
Chief Coach Jacobs picks his nose.
Mr. Chimp sits in the visitors’ dugout, legs crossed, finishing his sudoku puzzle.
Klank sits next to Mr. Chimp. “Why is he still doing this? The demonstration worked. The BrainWaver improves brain and body. The BrainWaver controls other brains.”
Edison raises both arms.
His brain waves pulse.
Everyone chants, “Edison is good! Edison is good! Edison is good!”
Mr. Chimp answers Klank, signing:
Klank searches his circuits for understanding. The closest thing he can find is a pattern in his HugMeMonkey! brain.
“Like needing a hug?”
Mr. Chimp looks up from his puzzle, surprised. He looks out at Edison, circling the infield to the chants of “Edison is good! Edison is good!” Mr. Chimp fills in a 7 and nods.
Edison stops the chant. He struts over to Mr. Chimp and Klank. He puts one foot up on the bench and taps his Edison BrainWaver.
“Well? Who’s the genius now? These puddingheads don’t even know they are being controlled!”
Mr. Chimp signs:
Edison completely ignores Mr. Chimp. “So, first—I will make them like me. Second—I will make them buy every Edison product on the market. And third—I think I will have everyone elect me . . . mayor! Yes, mayor of Midville.”
Mr. Chimp shakes his head. He is thinking, What a waste of a great invention. But Mr. Chimp doesn’t say or sign anything.
Klank says truthfully, “Yes, that is all possible.”
“You better believe it’s possible, metalhead,” says Edison, spitting like the major league player he thinks he is. “But I will need more power, more range. How do I boost this more?”
Edison spits again. He looks across the infield and sees his answer sitting in the home dugout. “Humpty and Dumpty! Come over here!”
Einstein and Watson look blankly back at Edison.
“Nitwits! I mean you two—Einstein and Watson! Come over here!”
Frank Einstein and Watson half stumble, kind of sleepwalk over to the visitors’ dugout.
“Frank Einstein. Tsk, tsk, tsk,” spits Edison. “It’s kind of a shame it had to end this way. It was more fun battling you when you were a genius, too. But now everyone loves genius me. And everyone hates monster-builder you.”
Frank just blinks.
“Oh well. That’s the way the genius crumbles.”
T. Edison stands nose to nose with Frank Einstein. He looks Frank in the eye. Frank looks back with a dull stare.
Watson bobs his head, still doing a bit of a chicken dance.
“But before I destroy you, tell me, Einstein. Is there any way to increase the range of the BrainTurbo—I mean the Edison BrainWaver? To reach the whole town?”
Frank Einstein nods. “Yes.”
Watson clucks.
“The whole country?”
Frank Einstein nods. “Yes.”
Watson cluck, clucks.
“The whole world?”
Frank Einstein nods. “Yes.”
Watson cluck, cluck, clucks.
“And how might we—I—do that?”
Frank looks over at Klank. “You can increase both power and range by amplifying a robot brain. By turning the setting to MAX.”
“Bawk bawk bawwwwwk!” says Watson.
“Yes!” says Edison, taking off the BrainWaver. “I mean—that’s exactly what I thought!”
Mr. Chimp rolls his eyes.
“But,” continues Frank, “it may be dangerous. Your brain waves will overpower all other brain waves.”
Edison freezes. “Oh gosh! What a terrible problem! I will be controlling everyone’s brains. Let me think carefully if I should do that!”
Edison puts his hand to his chin for exactly one second.
“OK, done. Let’s do this. Now.”
Frank turns to Klank. “It would be best to have your robot double-check the calculations. For safety.”
Watson digs at the dirt with his toes. “Buk buk buk . . .”
Edison hands the BrainWaver to Klank. Klank puts the BrainWaver on his head. He runs the calculations. He sees exactly what will happen.
Klank looks at Frank.
Frank looks at Klank. And winks.
Klank is completely confused. This makes no sense. Something is not right. Klank is flooded with signals and pulses from his new, improved head to his old HugMeMonkey! brain and back again.
Klank looks up the meaning of wink.
verb
1. to close and open one eye quickly, typically to indicate that something is a joke or a secret, or as a signal of affection.
“All right already, you slow-bot,” says T. Edison. “Calculations check. Can you do this? Yes or no?”
Frank looks away.
Watson is now pecking the ground with his nose.
Klank will have to decide this on his own.
Joke? Secret? Signal of affection?
Klank reruns his calculation of what will happen. There is no mistake.
Klank says . . . “No.”
ELECTRIC SHEEP LEAP OVER A WAVEFORM ENERGY FENCE—ONE, two, three . . . millions, billions, trillions.
Ocean waves crash blue warm salty wet.
The sun beams yellow, delicious heat.
Planets revolve around the pulsing sun.
Galaxies of sparkling stars slowly spiral.
She holds out her hand. Klank takes it. The universe inside him expands to fill the universe outside and beyond.
EDISON STAMPS HIS FOOT, THEN KICKS DIRT AT KLANK.
“What do you mean, ‘no’? I want more range! I want more power! I want control!”
Frank starts to raise one hand, but Klank snaps out of his daydream.
“I mean no,” says Klank calmly. “The range and power cannot be increased from this position.”
Frank lowers his hand.
Watson picks up
a wriggling worm. And eats it.
“I must position myself in the middle of this recreational field for best results.”
Mr. Chimp looks from Klank to Frank and back to Klank. Mr. Chimp narrows his eyes and opens his nostrils wide, trying to sense what is not quite right.
“Well,” says Edison, “what are you waiting for? Christmas? Get out there and crank that thing to MAX!”
Klank nods. Klank follows Edison’s orders.
Klank walks slowly out to center field, taking in the smell of grass, the warmth of the sun, the sight of puffy white clouds against such a perfectly blue sky. He sees a tiny red flower and stoops his large robot body to pick it.
“Come on!” yells Edison. “Sometime today would be nice!”
Klank walks, turns, and plants his feet. He secures the BrainWaver on his head and turns the dial to 8.
The sudden surge of multiplying charges lights and heats Klank’s whole metal self.
“Oh yes!” cheers Edison. “More, more, more!”
Klank remembers: To be, or not to be.
Klank turns the BrainWaver dial to MAX.
Electrical charges fire from spot to spot, double through the neuro-turbocharger—grow bigger, grow faster, grow stronger . . . hotter . . . more, more, more. And again and again and more and more and too much more.
Klank catches Frank Einstein’s eye. Klank winks. And—
Klank’s head power-overloads and explodes in an instant, all-consuming BrainWaver/Klank/tiny-red-flower vaporizing flash.
“What?!” cries T. Edison. “Nooooooooooo! My invention is gone!”
“Yuck!” spits Watson. “Who put this slimy dirt in my mouth?”
“Klank,” says Frank. “He really was more human.”
Mr. Chimp nods and signs:
MERCURY. VENUS. EARTH. MARS. JUPITER. SATURN. URANUS. Neptune.” Grampa Al rattles off the names of the planets. He wiggles the rebuilt BrainTurbo on his head.
“Wow! This is the bee’s knees!”
Janegoodall laughs. “Bees have knees?”
Grampa Al is too excited to answer. “Let me see if I can remember the names of different bones—humerus, radius, ulna, carpals! Ooh, ooh—parts of the brain! Cerebrum, cerebellum, medulla oblongata!”
Grampa Al holds his head, and the BrainTurbo, in both hands. “Hammer, pliers, screwdriver, wrench! Ratchet, saw, punch, file, drill! It’s all coming back to me now. This bit of headgear could change everything. Just think of kids with learning problems, old fogies like me losing memory, anybody with any brain challenge . . . You have done something really good here, Frank Einstein,” says Grampa Al, proudly hugging Frank.
“But I still don’t get it,” says Watson, spinning his last red-yellow-orange piece of da Vinci candy on the workbench. “How did your brain block out Edison’s so you could let Klank know how to destroy the Edison BrainWaver and BrainWasher?”
“By canceling Edison’s incoming beta brain waves with your more powerful gamma waves?” guesses Klink.
Frank gives a half smile. “Something like that. I used my very superior brain-wave blocker. My . . .” Frank takes off his Mud Hens hat and from the inside pulls out a silver—
“Hot dog wrapper?” says Watson.
“Tinfoil!” says Janegoodall. “Genius.”
“To block all incoming brain waves,” says Einstein.
Watson smacks his forehead. “So you were just pretending to be brain-controlled!”
“Exactly.”
“Well, I’m just glad Edison didn’t make us do anything weird or embarrassing while he was controlling us.”
Einstein looks at his pal Watson.
“Er . . . right,” Einstein lies.
Grampa Al tries another wire on the workbench project. Nothing.
“Son of a biscuit! So much good news—you got the BrainTurbo back, Janegoodall made starting pitcher, and, Watson, your ‘all taste’ da Vinci candy almost works.”
Watson flicks his last candy into the wastebasket. “Nah. It’s pretty disgusting. It turns out that mashing every taste together makes one big, bad taste.”
Grampa Al nods. “Success is learning from failure.” He rests his hand on the big metal torso on the bench.
“But I’m sorry to say this is a failure. We just can’t fix it. We can’t put Klank back together this time. That super-turbocharged brain pulse fried everything beyond fixing.”
Nobody says anything.
The clock in Grampa Al’s shop ticks off the seconds.
“Klank knew exactly what was going to happen,” says Frank. “But he did it anyway. To save us.” Frank puts his hand over the robot’s old, motionless mannequin hand.
Janegoodall picks up a mannequin head. “I’m glad that Klank at least got his wish to be more human.”
Frank absentmindedly taps a small screwdriver on his new notebook. “Klank was a great robot . . . but he’s gone. And the rest of us have to keep going.”
“Bleh,” says Watson. “Why bother?”
Frank thinks. “Because we need to know,” he says. “We need to know about all life. About all living things. How everything is connected. And how even death is part of all that.”
The shop clock ticks, very loudly.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?” FRANK EINSTEIN ASKS.
No one says anything.
Everyone misses Klank.
“Klank would keep going. And I think he would want us to do the same,” says Watson very quietly. “I’m with you, Einstein.”
“We are all still functioning,” Klink adds. “I am with you.”
Grampa Al takes off the BrainTurbo and sets it on a spare intake hood. “Oh yeah. I’m in like Flynn.”
“I’m in, too,” says Janegoodall.
No one feels like moving. No one feels like saying anything else.
But something moves, and something speaks. A familiar voice, from an unfamiliar head, suddenly says, “I am in, too!”
Klank’s arms reach out, pick up the intake hood, and plant it firmly on Klank’s shoulders. Klank sits up.
“And I am in with a bigger and better head!”
“Klank!” yells Watson.
“Hug!” booms Klank.
Watson squeezes Klank in the biggest, longest, warmest human-robot hug ever.
“It is very interesting how you managed to connect a new head,” beeps Klink, almost complimenting Klank.
“Yes, I missed you, too,” bleeps Klank, pulling Klink into the hug.
“Your brain ...,” says Frank. “Is it still. . .?”
Klank instantly answers, “E = mc2, meaning energy is equal to mass times the speed of light squared.”
“You are still smart!” says Watson.
“Ha-ha-ha,” laughs Klank. “Just kidding. I read all that off the Wall of Science. Ha-ha-ha.”
Everyone laughs.
“But!” beeps Klank. “I did learn something very important.”
“What?” asks Frank.
“I learned why the human skeleton did not cross the road.”
“Why?” asks Klink.
“Because it did not have the guts. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“Whaaaaa? . . . bzzzt . . . eeeeeee!” bleeps Klink.
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”
“To life!” cheers Grampa Al.
“To life,” cheers Frank Einstein, looking at his Wall of Science and filling up with a serious overload of happy feelings for all the goodness in his life.
“To . . . life!”
FRANK EINSTEIN’S HUMAN-BODY NOTES
SKELETAL SYSTEM
Human bones are four times stronger than concrete.
Babies are born with 300 bones; adults have 206. As we age, our bones connect.
26 bones in the human foot alone.
MUSCULAR SYSTEM
200 muscles to take one step.
Average person takes about 10,000 steps in one day.
Smallest muscle is in the middle ear.
Eye muscle
moves 100,000 times a day.
Heart muscle never stops.
NERVOUS SYSTEM
Nerve impulses travel to and from the brain at speeds of up to 250 mph.
Brain generates enough power to light a 10-watt bulb.
Brain itself does not have nerves, therefore it cannot feel pain.
Brain uses 20 percent of the oxygen that enters our bodies.
DIGESTIVE SYSTEM
Hardest part of the human body is tooth enamel.
Stomach makes a whole new lining for itself every three to four days.
In a lifetime, humans eat and digest about 60,000 pounds of food (about the weight of six whole elephants).
RESPIRATORY SYSTEM
Sneezes travel faster than 100 mph.
Coughs, 60 mph.
Lungs inhale more than two million liters of air every day.
Nose warms cold air, cools hot air, and filters out impurities.
CIRCULATORY SYSTEM
Heart beats about 100,000 times a day, 35 million times a year, and 2.5 billion times in an average lifetime.
Red blood cells do a complete circuit of the body every 60 seconds.
In one day, a blood cell travels 12,000 miles (about the same as driving back and forth across the whole United States four times).
RANDOM BODY FACTS
Largest organ of the human body is the skin.
Humans shed forty pounds of skin in a lifetime, completely replacing the outer skin once a month.
It is not possible to tickle yourself.
Groove in upper lip is called a philtrum. No one knows why it’s there.
Humans are about 75 percent water.
Human eyes do not grow. Noses and ears never stop growing.
Every human has a unique tongue print.