I can’t give it up. It’s entwined within my very essence, my soul. I believe in the Angel and I always will. Maybe, one day, when I’m brave enough, I will ascend, but not now. Not when Andros is there, too. Maybe if I learn to be stronger here on Earth, I will be able to defy him in Paradise. Yes. Let that be my mission.
* * *
I wake to the sound of a familiar voice, but it takes me a while to place it. Martin.
“Are you awake?” he asks and I open my eyes, taking in my surroundings for the first time. I already know I’m in hospital, so I’m not surprised by the plain white walls and ceiling. The blinds are drawn shut, letting only dim streaks of light into the room.
“See, I told you she needed someone familiar to visit her,” Martin says to someone in the background, “and now you can leave us.”
The door is shut and a chair pulled close. Then he’s in my field of vision and I can look at the doctor, the novice, the stranger who cared for me when Andros had whipped me bloody. It’s strange to see him in normal clothes and not the crimson robes he used to wear.
“How are you feeling?” he asks gently, his eyes flickering to the beeping monitors above me.
I have no idea how I’m feeling, so I stay quiet, just watching him. A beard is beginning to grow on his chin, already more than just a shadow. It must have been several days since he last shaved, which means that the day of ascension is at least as long ago.
“What happened?” I ask, but my throat is so dry that I don’t get the words out properly. Martin picks up a glass with a straw from the little bedside table on my right and holds it to my lips. I drink greedily, only now noticing how thirsty I am. My lips feel chafed and raw against the plastic straw.
When he takes the glass away, I swallow and ask the same question again. This time, it’s more or less audible.
He sits back down and looks at me, his expression darkening. “We almost lost you. When Andros decided that you’d be first to take the poison, he surprised us. We were already scrambling to get everything ready because we’d been assuming that he’d do the ceremony on Friday. Luckily, we heard him telling you, so we managed to get reinforcements in just in time. When you drank the poison, they stormed the hall. I had a variety of antidotes with me, and I gave you an injection immediately, but Andros’s mixture was stronger than we could have anticipated. We pumped out your stomach and treated you on scene as well as we could, but it was damn close. Luckily we had a helicopter to bring you to hospital straight away.”
His eyes flicker back to the monitors.
“How bad?” I ask, not quite sure if I’m able to form longer sentences yet. It hurts when I speak.
“A few more days and the drugs should be out of your system. Once you get out of hospital, you’ll be weak for another few days, maybe a week, then everything should be back to normal.” He grimaces. “Well, as normal as it can be. Everything will change for you, but we’ll try our best to make it as easy for you as possible.”
“We?”
“Ah. Yes. Andros has been taken into custody, and all of the other villagers are held in safe places, under observation. Some have tried to take their own lives since we rescued them, so they’re all on suicide watch.” He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “We’d heard rumours of abuse and human rights violations in the cult, but we didn’t expect a mass suicide attempt.”
I stare at him. What is he saying? Why is he using those words?
He was part of us, he was learning to be one of us. Now he talks as if we were all crazy, as if he’s so different from us. I want to turn away from him, but my body isn’t complying, so I close my eyes instead.
“Laya? Shit, sorry, Leek is the one trained to do this, I’m just doing this because you know me best out of the three of us. I should probably shut up now.”
I don’t reply. Mass suicide. No, that’s wrong. Ascension isn’t death. It’s so much more than that.
“There’s going to be a trial. I don’t know yet how many people will be involved, but for now, Andros is the main defendant. They want you to be a witness, Laya. The key witness. But we know that Andros has people outside the actual village, and he’s made threats against anyone who will testify against him. Which means that you’ll be in witness protection from now on until the trial.”
I open my eyes again to stare at him. “I can’t.”
He’s my husband. The Prophet. I can’t be the reason for him to go to prison. That would be so wrong. I should be at his side, not testifying against him. No.
“I know everything’s strange and overwhelming for you just now,” Martin says soothingly. “You don’t need to do anything while you’re still here. We’ll be taking your statement once you’re better, and we’ll make sure you’re safe.”
He keeps saying that, so I ask him again. “We?”
“My two colleagues and I. You know us as Martin, Noran and Owen, but we have other names, and we weren’t really recruits. We’re police, Laya, and we’re going to make sure Andros is punished for what he did to you.”
15
People keep checking on me, but I don’t react to them. Martin said he’d come again, but so far, he’s not returned. It’s been two days, I think. I’m feeling much stronger, and I’ve been able to eat by myself again, removing the need for the feeding tube. Thank the Angel for that. There’s still a cannula in my arm, but that’s a lot less uncomfortable than a tube stuck in your nose.
There’s a TV in the room, but I don’t want to switch it on. I’ve lived without one for so long, I’m scared to find out about the state of the world. I’ve not watched or read the news for years. I have no idea what’s going on out there. I couldn’t tell you who our prime minister is, or if there are any wars happening in the world right now. There probably are, though. Sometimes, Andros would preach about what he’d seen on his trips away from the community: pollution, poverty, child neglect, crime. Hearing about those things always make me glad to live in such a peaceful place.
I know that eventually, I’ll have to face the world, but for now, I enjoy the solitude while it lasts. Most of the nurses have given up trying to start a conversation with me, and I don’t blame them. I don’t reply, I stare at the ceiling, I’m as passive as it gets. I can’t bring myself to react to the people around me. Everything is so different, so strange. Maybe, if I stay in stasis, life will stay as it was. Maybe everything will go back to normal.
What I miss most isn’t Andros and the other people of the community. No, it’s the Angel. I felt so close to him in the village, surrounded by statues of him and the daily prayers. Here, I feel like I’m far away from him, like he’s no longer with me wherever I go. The comfortable knowledge that he’s watching out for me is flaking at the edges. I’m lonely without his presence. I wish there was a statue of him here in the room. Maybe I can get one wherever I will go from here.
Martin has said that I’ll be in witness protection, even though I have told him that I won’t go to court. He said that as long as there was a tiny chance of me testifying, he’d be able to get me into the programme. Somewhere safe, a new home. I can refuse to speak at the trial even on the day it takes place, he’s promised that. That’s why I agreed to sign the form. I have no intention of testifying, but if this gives me somewhere to live in peace, then I’ll take it, no matter how selfish that seems. I have no one left, nowhere to turn. I broke all ties with my family when I joined the Angel’s followers. My friends and my husband are being held by the police. I’m all on my own.
A knock on the door distracts me from my morbid thoughts. An unexpected man comes into the room and immediately sits on the chair by my bed. Owen. What is he doing here?
He looks at me with his crystal blue eyes, then smiles.
“Hello.”
I lift an eyebrow at him, but don’t say anything. He’s the one who came to me to ask about ascension. He seemed very interested back then, but now that I know that he’s with the police, it makes sense. He was a little too curio
us for a new novice.
“Andy wanted to come himself, but he’s been called away on family matters, so I thought I’d come and visit you.”
“Andy?” What is he talking about?
“Oh, of course. You don’t know our names. Sorry, this is a bit strange, introducing myself even though I’ve known you for weeks. I’m Quentin. Andrew is who you know as Martin, and Noran is Leek.”
Martin, Noran, Owen. Now they’re Andrew, Leek, Quentin. Their names are no longer in consecutive alphabetical order. Somehow, that annoys me.
“Leek?” I ask. “Like the vegetable?”
Owen… no, Quentin smiles. “His parents were hippies who didn’t believe in normal names. His brother is called Sunset, I kid you not.”
I don’t return his smile. Different names. Different lives. It was all a lie. I thought I could like them. Maybe get to know them, once we’d ascended and the gender separation rules had been relaxed a little like Andros had promised. I was looking forward to maybe becoming their friend.
I swallow hard and ask the question that’s burning on my tongue. “Was any of it real?”
He doesn’t reply immediately, which tells me all I need to know.
“Please leave,” I tell him, turning to my side, facing away from him.
He doesn't move. I wish he'd go. I prefer to be alone with my thoughts and the silence of this room.
"I really was interested," he says quietly. "I found the concept of your belief system fascinating. I've always been interested in religions and wrote my thesis on the Jonestown cult. So when they offered me the chance to investigate a new and different religion, I took it. So in that way, my interest was genuine."
"But you don't believe in the Angel," I whisper, drawing the blanket further around me. The thought of their betrayal is making me shiver.
"No, I don't. I'm sorry, but I don't think I believe in anything. What fascinates me is what other people believe in, and how that drives their actions."
"So we were like research subjects for you?" My voice has turned bitter, but I think I have reason for that.
"No,” he says emphatically, his eyes sparkling. “You're people, and I wanted to help you. Especially when you ran into me that very first time and I saw what he was doing to you. I wish I could have taken you away right then, but we needed to stay until the ascension ceremony. We needed him to take action before we could intervene."
"Why did you even care? The police, I mean? It's our life, and ascension is our decision."
"I think if more than sixty people suddenly take their own lives, that is of interest to everyone. It needs to be investigated, and prevented, of course. There were children involved, Laya, and I saw from your expression when Andros announced it, that you didn't agree with that either."
"No," I mutter. "Not the children."
"See? And just like you feel about the children, I feel about all of you. The entire community. It's always wrong to take a life, whether it's your own or someone else's. I'm sorry it all ended how it did, but it's better this way." He sighs. "I've seen the pictures. When you were first admitted, they had to collect forensic evidence and take photographs of your injuries. How long did he treat you like that? A year? Longer? Some of the scars looked old."
I don't reply. I don't need to, he can listen to the explanations from the doctors. That's all he's interested in anyway. He wouldn't understand how punishing me was important to Andros. How it took away the sins of the entire community.
It's good though to be in less pain than I usually am. They've put dressings on the wounds. One of the nurses said that some of them would have needed stitches, but that it was too long ago since they were inflicted. They've given me painkillers as well, the first time I've taken medicine like that in ages. Andros was always against manmade medicine, but right now, I'm grateful for it. My ankle doesn't hurt anymore, either.
"Your ankle?" Quentin asks and I realise that I must have spoken aloud. "The metal band? I thought that was an old injury?"
I turn onto my back again. Now that we're talking, I don't really want him to go after all. Maybe conversation is better than silence.
"It hurt sometimes," I admit, "when I was thinking of... stuff." I don't want to tell him that I sometimes wanted to run away. That's my secret to keep.
"Can I see?" he asks gently, but I shake my head. He seems to understand and doesn't try again. "When it hurt, where you thinking of leaving?"
"How do you know that?" I slap a hand over my mouth as soon as the words have left my lips. I shouldn't be talking so much. I need to keep my secrets close. They're the enemy, they've imprisoned my people. I shouldn't be talking to him at all. I should be running away at the earliest opportunity, as soon as I'm strong enough to walk. I tried yesterday, hoping to reach the little bathroom on the other side of the room, but I barely even managed to sit up.
"We found Andros's diaries. He wrote a long entry on the day he burned that anklet into your skin. The way he describes it... let's just say it made my stomach turn. I'm so sorry for what he did to you."
"I deserved it," I mutter automatically.
"I don't think anyone deserves something like that," he says softly. "Especially because he said that he was planning to give you more."
Shock runs through my body and suddenly, my ankle erupts into pain.
"More?" I whisper.
"After the sinner incident, he ordered a bracelet made with that word. He planned to give it to you soon, but the ascension preparations distracted him."
I take a deep breath, steadying myself. A bracelet. He would have melted it into my wrist, forever marking me as the sinner I am.
"Why?" I ask quietly, hugging myself to hide my wrists under my armpits. "What did I do to deserve that?"
Quentin looks as if he's about to reach out, but then folds his hands on his lap again. "Nothing. He was a sadistic bastard who used his faith to justify what he did. You did nothing wrong, Laya, not ever. You didn't deserve any of it, none of the punishments, none of the ways he treated you. He took away your freedom and made you his-"
"No. He's the Prophet," I tell him, anger bubbling up in me. "He fulfils the Angel's wishes. He always said how he didn't like doing it, but that he had to. He even stayed behind to help us all reach ascension even though he was ready for it. He's a generous, wise leader."
I'm breathing heavily and a headache is spreading behind my temples. It's all too much.
"I want to be back there. I need him, I need my home. I need the Angel. Please, I want to go back." My voice has turned into a whisper, a plea.
This time, he really reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. I flinch back. Men aren't allowed to touch women like that. I glare at him and he pulls back, nodding to himself.
"Sorry, I forgot."
How can he forget one of the most essential rules? He's lived with us, he should know. No contact between men and women. Even now, I should tell him to leave. I'm such a hypocrite, letting him talk to me while no other woman is present.
"I come from a family where we do a lot of hugging and touching," he explains. "My parents would be hand in hand pretty much wherever we'd go. I grew up with three sisters, so being around women and treating them like siblings is normal for me. It was very strange living in your community where men and women are separated."
"It's the rule."
"I know. But you're outside of that system now, and rules are different here. You'll have to get used to seeing men and women together again. We're going to try and make the transition as gentle for you as possible, though. We're on your side, Laya, all three of us."
He frowns for a moment. "By the way, what do you want us to call you? Laya or-"
"Laya," I interrupt him before he can use my birth name. I discarded that one when I met Andros and became part of the Angel's flock. Using it now seems like sacrilege.
"Okay then, Laya." He looks at his watch. "I need to go, but Leek will come to visit tomorrow. We thought it would be best for you to
chat to all three of us while you're still here."
"Why?"
"We're the ones who're going to look after you. We'll be with you from now until the trial."
16
This time, the nurse removes the dressings without putting new ones on. I feel much stronger as well, and the thought of leaving the hospital is ticking through my mind. Leaving without them, the three men tasked with protecting me. I don't need protection. I'll find a quiet place to live in peace until Andros and the others are released. Then, everything can go back to how it was before the new men arrived. I wish they'd never come.
I slowly sit up and the nurse puffs up a pillow before sliding it behind my back. Black spots dance in front of my eyes for a second, but when they disappear, I smile. I'm sitting and I'm no longer covered in bandages. Things are improving, but the best thing is yet to come: there's a brownie waiting for me on the small table beside my bed. I saved it for later, and I think now it's time to enjoy that chocolaty goodness. I breathe in deeply and my smile widens. Chocolate smell is the best, almost better than the taste.
I take a tentative bite, but before I can even swallow it, the door bursts open and two men run in. Leek looks around the room as if he's expecting someone else to be there, while Andrew hurries to my side, beginning to detach cables from the machines without a word.
"We need to go," Leek says, his voice full of alarm and urgency. "No time to explain, but we need to get you out of here right now."
I clench my fist around the brownie that was supposed to be this afternoon's treat. It's worthless now. They've destroyed yet another day for me.
I shriek when Martin, no, Andrew pulls out the cannula from my wrist without warning. He puts some gauze on top of it. "Press that on it," he instructs me brusquely before continuing to free me from the monitors.
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