Sam’s eyes bulged. “What?”
“I found your notebook. The one you made the list in. And I talked to Megan.”
“Good, then I’m sure she told you she’s the one who made me make the stupid list.”
“Yes, but she said you meant what you wrote.”
“Now you’re turning my last friend against me too?”
“No, Sam. I didn’t know how you felt. It changes things.”
“No it doesn’t. And besides, it was just a stupid list. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Don’t do that, Sam. I know it did. It meant something to me. And Megan said—”
“Despite what Megan thinks,” Sam interrupted. “She doesn’t know everything. I may have thought I loved you. But not anymore and it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m going back to Boston.”
“What? No. You can’t. Sam,” he begged. “This is us. I can’t let you go!”
“What are you going to do? Roofie me again?”
“Sam, please don’t do this. Don’t give up on us.”
“There is no us, Devon!”
“Then don’t give up on me. Just give me another chance. I was hurt and I messed up. Just give me one more chance and I promise I won’t let you down ever again.”
“I can’t, Devon. It’s too late. Ireland was a mistake and so was everything that happened with us.”
“Don’t say that, Sam. The way I feel about you is not a mistake. That night in the tent wasn’t a mistake. You know it too. And I know it scares you. It scares me too. But it scares me more to lose you. Don't give up because you're scared to take a risk.”
“I did take a risk, Devon. And it was a mistake.” Tears streamed down her face and Devon moved closer to wipe them away. She cringed when he touched her and he dropped his hand to his lap. “I’m not scared anymore, Devon. I’m not anything. There’s just too many highs and lows. And I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too, Sam. I’m sorry because I know that this could work and this could be grand. And I know you know it too. We’re so close and you’re just giving up. How can you quit on me when we’ve gone through all of this? We’ve gotten through all the bad stuff. Now it’s time for the good. We’re almost there, Sam.”
“That’s just it, Devon. Almost isn’t enough.”
Devon
Devon didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t catch his breath. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. He was supposed to be able to apologize and win Sam back. It had worked with Zander and Cara. They’d forgiven him. He was finally getting his life back together. He almost felt whole again. He just needed the missing piece. He just needed Sam.
He pushed off of her bed and paced her room, running his fingers through his hair desperately trying to think of anything to make her change her mind. But what else could he say? He’d thrown himself at her mercy. He couldn’t make her want him, no matter how wrong he thought she was.
“Sam, I don’t know what else to say. I’m in love with you. And I’m not gonna stop. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. But you have to let me make it up to you.”
“I don’t have to do anything,” she said. “Please leave, Devon. I don’t want to have to ask you again.”
He stood open-mouthed staring at her. He was at a loss. He could see her mind was made up as she crossed her arms. He wasn’t going to win any battles today. But that didn’t mean he was giving up. He just needed a new strategy.
“Fine. I’ll leave. But I’m not giving up on us. I love you, Sam.”
“Goodbye, Devon.”
Sam
As soon as Devon left, Sam exploded into hysterics. She was practically hyperventilating by the time her father came upstairs to check on her.
“Sam! Honey, what’s wrong?” he cried when he opened the door to find her frantically throwing clothes into her suitcase.
“I’m going back to Boston. You can’t make me stay here, Dad!” she wailed. Sam had balled her hands into fists and was flapping them with each word. “I. Can’t. Stay. Here!”
Her father ran over to her, wrapping his arms tightly around her until she stopped flailing. She was still shaking in his arms while he stroked her frazzled brown hair and tried to soothe her. They both sank onto her bed and her father rocked her back and forth like she was a child again until she caught her breath.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“He broke my heart, Dad.” Sam sniffled letting a whole new barrage of tears free. Admitting how much Devon had hurt her made everything hurt worse, and Sam couldn’t stop hiccupping and sputtering. “I just really want to go home.”
Her father kissed her forehead. “Okay, baby. We’ll go home.”
“Now?” she asked.
“Yes, honey. Whenever you want.”
“I want to go now.”
“So you’re really coming home?” Megan asked.
Sam was still puffy-eyed, her voice raw from crying. “Yeah. I just bought my ticket. I leave tomorrow morning and my dad will be back next weekend after he ties up some loose ends here.”
“Where are you staying?”
“I sorta told him your mom said it was okay to stay with you. Is that cool?”
“Yeah of course. Hold on.” Megan left the screen for a moment. “Ma! Sam’s staying here tomorrow.”
Sam heard a voice in the distance respond. “Okay, hun.”
Megan came back and gave Sam a thumbs up and a wide grin. “So you’re really coming back for good, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Well, I’ll be glad to have you back, but I can’t say I’m not a tiny bit disappointed I didn’t get to visit Ireland first.”
“You’re not missing much,” Sam muttered.
“Oh come on. You can’t hate a whole country just because of one bad apple, Sam.”
“It was more like a whole school full of bad apples.”
Megan rolled her eyes. “So, did you tell him you’re leaving?”
“Yeah.”
“What’d he say?”
“I don’t know. He said I’m sorry a lot. But it’s not enough.”
“But you love him, Sam.”
“Yeah, thanks for telling him, by the way.”
“I’m sorry but I was just trying to help.”
“I really wish people would stop saying that.”
“I know you’re mad now, but what if in like three weeks you’re not mad anymore? Are you sure you want to just walk away?”
“Yes. I can’t live like this, Meg. It’s killing me. My heart feels like its been trampled.”
“That’s because you’re in love!”
“This isn’t love. Love isn’t supposed to hurt like this.”
“I think it is. I think that’s the only way you know it’s real.”
“Megan, I really don’t want to have this conversation again. I just went through it with Devon a few hours ago. I don’t need to be convinced that I was in love. I know I was. But I know it’s over now, okay? Everyone just needs to move on.”
“If you’re really sure.”
“I am.”
“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, Sam.”
35
Devon
Devon woke up early Monday morning. He hadn’t really been able to sleep anyway. Ever since his conversation with Sam, his stomach was in knots. He still couldn’t believe it had gone so wrong. When he got home he was a mess. He must have looked as wrecked as he felt because Cara took one look at him and refused to leave his side until he told her what happened.
Cara was actually really kind, and a good listener. Devon felt bad for never giving her a chance all these years. Things had been better between them since that night at the hospital with Sam. Zander had finally driven Devon home after Mr. Connors told him Sam was okay. When they got home, Cara was waiting up for them. The three of them had a heart-to-heart and Cara pretty much told them both that they weren’t leaving the house again unless they all pledged to be honest with each other and s
tart trying to behave like family.
He and Zander had begrudgingly agreed. Devon secretly loved having someone mother him. He hadn’t felt that kind of love since his own mother left. It weakened his defenses and he’d spilled everything to Cara—his unhappiness with her redecorating and hatred of Eggsy, feeling trapped by his father’s company, his feelings for Sam. By the end of the night—well, actually it was morning—they’d patched up a lot of their differences.
It turned out Devon had Cara all wrong. Like Zander said, she was just as lost as Devon after Henry’s passing. She was redecorating because everything reminded her of Henry and made her cry. And she was leaving food with his name on it because she wanted him to eat something but was afraid to be too pushy. And she promised Devon they’d find a suitable replacement for him at Cor-Tec, because the only thing Henry had truly wanted for Devon was his happiness.
With things going so well between him, Cara and Zander, Devon had decided to try and fix the last missing piece of his life. He had to wait until Mr. Connors finally agreed to let him come over and talk to Sam. He’d sent Devon away the first time, but by Sunday, Devon had worn him down. Although now he sort of wished he hadn’t.
He’d been so sure that once he finally had a chance to talk to Sam, everything would right itself. They were Devon and Sam—his love for her had survived across continents. He couldn’t have ruined everything with a few weeks of foolish thinking. Could he? He’d only been keeping his distance because he thought he was protecting her—that she was better off without him. But he knew how stupid that was now. Grad night had proven they needed each other. Thinking Sam was in danger was the only thing that snapped Devon out of his self-loathing.
After Devon told Cara how terribly his conversation with Sam had gone on Sunday, she suggested he write her a letter. She thought it might be easier for him to get his feelings across to Sam if he wasn’t there to argue with. Devon thought it was actually a brilliant idea, but every time he sat down to write, he got stuck on the first sentence. The only thing he managed to write was, I love you. But each time he stared at those three little words, he heard Sam’s voice telling him it wasn’t enough.
Now, as the sunlight streamed into his bedroom, Devon realized he must have nodded off in the midst of writing, because he had ink on his hands and heard paper crinkling beneath him when he rolled over. He sat up, hanging his legs over the side of his bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He tried to take a deep breath, but he felt wrung dry—his insides all twisted and brittle. He couldn’t live like this. He needed to make things right with Sam. He’d told her he wasn’t giving up, and he’d meant it.
Devon got out of bed and took a quick shower to wake himself up. He dressed with renewed determination. He was going to write that damn letter and it was going to perfect, because he loved Sam and love was always enough.
He was just sitting down at his desk to lay his heart out on paper when Cara burst through his bedroom door, with Zander right behind her. Eggsy snarled at them and Devon leapt up to restrain him.
“Good, you’re dressed!” Cara said breathlessly, keeping one eye fixed on Eggsy.
“Lucky for all of us,” Zander teased.
Cara gave Zander a look of death. “You shouldn’t be joking. This is your fault.”
“How was I supposed to know why he needed the car?” Zander replied defensively.
“Is someone going to tell me what’s going on?” Devon asked.
Cara spoke. “You need to go to Sam’s house immediately. Her father called an hour ago requesting to borrow our car service to the airport.”
The color drained from Devon’s face. “What? She’s leaving?”
“I didn’t know it was for Sam,” Zander said apologetically.
“She said she was going back to Boston, but she didn’t say she was leaving today. I thought she meant at the end of the school year,” Devon replied.
Zander shook his head. “Last I talked to her she said she wasn’t coming back next term.”
“I confirmed with Thorton the car’s for Sam,” Cara said.
“Christ!”
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Cara squawked, practically shoving Devon out the door. “Go get your girl!”
Sam
“Bye, Dad. I love you,” Sam said giving her father a big hug before getting into the back of the town car.
“I love you too, honey. Call me as soon as you land,” her father said for the hundredth time.
“I will, Dad. I promise.”
“I’m sorry I’m not coming with you,” he said again. “It’s just the—”
“Dad, it’s okay.” Sam knew he was hosting a big web conference right when her plane took off, but she was too eager to get back to Boston to change her flight time. Plus, she didn’t want him to change his mind about letting her go. Getting back to Boston had become like a shuttle launch, she had to take the window of opportunity before it disappeared. “I’ll see you next weekend, Dad,” she said blowing him a kiss and shutting the car door.
He stood in the driveway and waved to her until she couldn’t see him anymore. It was odd for him to be so clingy. She wasn’t used to having him worry about her so much, but ever since the hospital, it was like a protective mama bear had hijacked her usually oblivious father. He was upset that she didn’t want to wait one more week for him to fly home with her, but he hadn’t argued with her.
After Sam had told him how she felt about Devon, her father had been making an effort to be more understanding. And he hadn’t said any of his token poster sayings either. She’d expected him to say, you’re too young to be in love, or, you’re better off without him. But he didn’t. Instead he apologized for not setting a better example for her as far as healthy relationships were concerned. He’d even tried to talk about her mother. But after he’d said, “I wish your mother were here. She would know what to say,” Sam had stopped him.
She could see how much it hurt him to talk about her mother, and she didn’t see any reason for both of them to be hurting. Besides, Sam wasn’t strong enough to pick up the pieces if her father fell apart too. She was barely holding herself together.
Sam was hoping she’d feel better this morning, but as the car wound through the rolling green hills toward Dublin, she still felt hollow. Devon’s words kept haunting her. I’m in love with you. And I’m not gonna stop. She’d wanted to hear him say those words every day since his father died. So why, when he finally said them, was it not enough?
Sam wished she had an answer. She still loved Devon. If she didn’t it wouldn’t hurt so much to leave him. But the problem was, it hurt to stay too. Ireland would always remind Sam of the things she’d lost—her mother, the senior year she was supposed to have, and now, her first love.
Sam put in her ear buds and cranked up Adele, finally understanding what she’d been singing about all this time.
36
Devon
Devon skidded to a stop in Sam’s driveway, sending a shower of gravel against the cottage. He pounded on the door until Mr. Connors answered.
“I need to talk to Sam,” Devon pleaded.
“I’m sorry, Devon—”
“Please, you don’t understand. I’m in love with her.”
“Devon . . .”
“Sam!” Devon yelled, trying to look past Mr. Connors. “Sam!”
“She’s not here. She already left for the airport.”
Devon was sprinting back to his car when Mr. Connors called after him.
“You’ll never catch her.”
“I have to try.”
Devon prayed while he drove. He prayed for traffic for Sam. He prayed for open roads for himself. And most of all, he prayed he wasn’t too late for one more chance with her.
When Devon got close to Dublin his prayers were answered. Well, one of them. Traffic was backed up on the M50 and being re-routed through Dublin due to an accident. When he turned onto Ormond Quay, a long road that ran along the River Liffey, traffic slowed to
a standstill. This was it, now of never. Devon got out of his car, ignoring the honking and shouting behind him. “Do or die, Devon,” he reminded himself as he ran along the scenic sidewalk that followed the river. That’s when his second prayer was answered. There, ten cars ahead, right next to the famous Ha’penny Bridge, was a black town car with plates he recognized.
Devon started screaming and waving his hands wildly, not caring about the strange looks he was getting. “Sam! Sam! Wait!” In a few more steps, he was pounding on her window breathlessly. “Sam!”
She looked so startled at first he thought she didn’t even recognize him. But he didn’t wait for an invitation. He opened the door and slid in next to her.
“Devon! What are you doing here?”
“You can’t go, Sam. I love you and I know you love me too. Don’t leave. Please. Just stay and we can work this out.”
“No! I already told you I don’t want to.”
“Sam, please,” he begged, reaching for her hands. “We can’t be over.”
“We never even started, Devon.” She pulled away from him.
“But—”
“Sorry to interrupt, Master James, but in or out?” Thorton said, glancing at them in the rearview mirror. “Traffic is moving.”
“In,” Devon replied stubbornly.
“Out!” Sam shouted.
“I’m not leaving, Sam. Not until you hear me out.”
“Fine, then I’ll leave,” she said furiously exiting the car.
For a moment, Devon and Thorton just stared at each other in shock, and then Devon jumped out of the car and stormed after Sam.
He caught up to her on the Ha’penny Bridge, catching her by the wrist. She whirled around, but instead of looking angry like she had in the car, her face was streaked with tears. Devon couldn’t stand it. He didn’t want to be the reason she was so upset. But he couldn’t let her go either. He took both of her hands and dropped to his knees. “Don't go, Sam,” he begged. “Please? Just stay.”
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