Justin stopped in front of his linen drawer and watched Leilani as she rinsed dishes before putting them into the dishwasher. She seemed to tackle her tasks with such care.
He smiled wryly and admonished himself: Don’t judge. You’re about as fussy.
He was finding it harder to keep his eyes off of her. While they sat facing each other at the dinner table, he had stared intently into her dark brown doe eyes. She intrigued him partly because of her exotic looks but, in many ways, she was not so different from his sister, who could captivate with the lively intelligence in her eyes.
In the wide-open directness of their gaze, Elise and Leilani were different from Megan, with her sleepy bedroom eyes. Megan often looked at him from the sides of her half-closed eyes. They captivated him once, made him wish for lazy days spent lounging in bed. From there, it had been natural to imagine and ask Megan to share his bed.
Justin shook off the image that flashed in his mind of Megan in his bed. He stared at Leilani’s shapely form as she repeatedly reached down to stack dishes, then straightened up from the dishwasher trays. He was mesmerized and he took a couple of steps toward her. But he stopped. No. Bad timing, he thought. Not yet.
He opened his mouth to ask her opinion on why her mother was reluctant to say all she knew about her father. But he remembered that, for reasons best known to her, his own mother had not found it necessary to disclose her past until Peter got sick. Mrs. Torres might have her reasons to keep some matters secret. He said nothing.
Minutes later, Leilani closed the dishwasher door. He watched her shapely back as she wiped her hands with a towel. She walked to the couch where she had left her purse, and stooped to pick it up. He approached her, overcome again by the urge to seize her in his arms. This time, he wasn’t after sympathy. He stopped, about a foot away from her.
She turned slowly to face him, and raised her face to his. She seemed flustered, and she took in a breath that she held for a moment. He held her gaze, his eyes smoldering.
“Justin, this isn’t a good idea,” she said softly.
He enclosed her in his arms. As he touched his lips to hers, she trembled. He kissed her harder. She parted her lips, returning every one of his kisses. He lifted his face to probe into her eyes for the truth of her feelings. She had gone limp in his arms and he knew, at that moment, that he could pick her up and carry her to the bedroom. But it was still too soon. He didn’t know why, but he wanted her to love him, before he made love to her.
“Tell me why this isn’t a good idea. You can’t deny kissing me back,” he said, gazing into her eyes.
“I won’t deny it. And I won’t deny that I’ve never been attracted to anyone more than I have been to you, but this is all too soon and too fast.”
He said, with a quizzical frown, “Too soon because we’ve known each other no more than a month? Too fast because of Megan?”
“All that. And because we’re different. I’m not white.”
“You mean because I’m not brown.”
“No. My sister is married to a third-generation Japanese American farmer from the Central Valley, so my family doesn’t have that kind of prejudice.”
“I assure you neither does mine.”
“But I’m not like you.”
“Thank God for that.”
“What I mean is I come from an old culture. We’re not so free as you.”
“You’ve lived here most of your life, so I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. But I do know I’ve been rash. So, please forgive me for kissing you. I couldn’t help myself. It won’t happen again unless you want it to. And you’re right. It’s too soon and too fast.”
He stepped away to let her pass. She went to the door and he followed her out into the hallway, shutting his door behind him. He caught up with her and they walked wordlessly toward the elevator. In the parking garage, he led her to his car. Leilani gave Justin her address. He nodded and drove in silence until they reached her apartment building.
He stopped the car but he did not turn off the engine. They both mumbled “good night.” Leilani stepped out of the car and walked to the entry of her building. There, she turned around and waved at him before she went in.
*****
Leilani woke up the following morning to the ringing of her alarm clock. She felt strangely low. The parting with Justin had been uncomfortable. They had spent an evening together as if they had known each other a long time. But by the end of the evening, they were behaving like polite acquaintances. All because of how she reacted to his kiss. She did not regret her reaction. Justin, himself, admitted they could not rush anything more than friendship between them.
Still, the kissing unsettled her, not because she wished it had not happened, but because her heart fluttered at the memory of it. If he had not stopped, if he had gone on to make love to her, she would have yielded. She had said something about not being white, but that never truly bothered her. She learned early on, in her adopted country, that race was an easy excuse to stop awkward explanations. People hesitated to probe into such a sensitive matter.
She dragged her body out of bed and straight into the bathroom. It’s a new day, she thought as she disrobed and stepped into the shower. A busy one, as usual, that should draw her into the lives of her clients. Every time she descended into regret or self-pity, she reminded herself that her problems were never as big as those of the people she helped in her work.
She frowned as she began to lather herself. But I do have problems, not about me, but about my father. And they were most certainly serious. They could mean life or death for her father, and happy or tragic years ahead for her mother. Now that she had evidence her husband was alive, her mother could never rest until he returned to her or she knew for sure he was dead.
Justin was right. She had to coax her mother into telling them why they suddenly had to leave the country they grew up in, where life was easier and less complicated.
But was life really less complicated there? How could it have been if they had to escape like they did?
She turned off the shower and dried herself. She had no time to deal with her own problems, for the moment. The day was just beginning and her clients were waiting. Time to put my life on hold until this evening.
Leilani vacillated before acting on her decision to confront her mother regarding the truth about her father. On Friday evening, two weeks later, she called her brother after her last client left.
“Hello Rudy, can we talk?”
“Lani! This is a surprise. Can’t remember the last time you called me at home. Is this about finding Papá?”
“Yes. I’m going to Mamá’s this evening to ask her about why we left Costa Mora. I think she owes us the truth.”
“I’ve been thinking the same thing. I don’t know if it’ll help us find Papá, but those rumors I heard when we went back to Costa Mora? Now, I want to know how much of it is true.”
“Can you come to her house this evening? Say, about seven?”
“Darn! I can’t tonight. Jenna’s on duty at the hospital. Can we do it another night?”
“I can’t wait. I have to go this evening.”
“Why the hurry, Lani? We’ve waited eighteen years.”
“Precisely. We’ve put this off eighteen years. Maybe, that’s a mistake.”
“Go, then. Call me later and tell me what you learn.”
When he hung up, Leilani dialed her mother's number.
<
IX. Truth
Leilani arrived at her mother’s house at half past six. Mrs. Torres had prepared a light dinner which she insisted they eat before they talked. She seemed restless and, without pausing to see if her daughter was listening, bantered and gossiped about her mahjongg friends throughout dinner. Leilani was sure her mother had some inkling why she came, although she had said nothing about the reason for her visit.
After dinner, her mother’s mood changed. Leilani followed her into th
e living room.
Looking serious and anxious as they sat together on the couch, her mother held her hands in both of hers and said, “I know you’re here to ask me what happened that day we left the country.”
Leilani gazed into her eyes. “Yes, Mamá. Why have you kept the truth from us?”
“I’ve thought all these years about telling you, but I always ended up deciding you didn’t need to know. You were all so young when we arrived here, so full of life and so eager to fit in into this new society and I didn’t want to spoil all that.”
“But how long could you have kept things from us?”
Mrs. Torres let go of Leilani’s hand and said, “Probably forever. But General Huang came. That changes my priorities. I have to know if he’s right that your father might still be alive.”
“What? I thought you never stopped believing he was still alive.”
“I was anxious for you all not to forget him. Your father is a good man and anything he did, he did because he believed it was right and the best thing for everyone concerned.”
“The government treated him like a criminal, Mamá. Why?”
Her mother scowled. “How did you know that?”
“From Rudy. He told us years ago when you two returned from Costa Mora.”
Her mother sighed. “When we lived in that country, the criminal was the government, not your father, and not any of the others he was accused of conspiring with.”
“What was the conspiracy supposed to be about?”
Her mother looked away and took a while to answer. “The assassination of the president.”
“What? Rudy said it was to depose the government.”
“Yes, by killing the president. Your father and fifteen other people were accused of the plot to kill him.”
“No. He couldn’t have. He was the gentlest, kindest man I ever knew. He used to tell us that though only doctors take the oath, everyone should live by it. First, do no harm.”
“But you were so young. How could you have understood that?”
“I did. I did. What was so difficult to understand about that? Do no harm.”
Leilani was trembling. She wanted to cry, to wish she had not heard what her mother had said, or she had not asked, in the first place. Leilani regarded her mother and hoped she would burst out laughing, telling her she was kidding, that everything she said was a cruel joke.
But her mother stared back at her with mournful eyes. “You must hear the whole story before you judge your father.”
“I’m not judging him. I’m saying he was falsely accused.”
“So, why are you so upset? Admit that you think he was capable of what he was accused of. But remember, the conditions there at that time were very bad. Many innocent people were being falsely accused and executed. Others were disappearing, never to be heard from again. They were dangerous times. You were so young, protected in your own little world. We made sure your day-to-day life was normal, like it would have been in a peaceful country.”
“You put a gun in my hand when I was only eight. Was that why?”
Mrs. Torres reached over to hold Leilani’s hand again. “We had to. Your father and I couldn’t always be there to protect you.”
“You say you didn’t want to spoil things for us those first years after we got here, but you insisted that we continue to practice. Why? Was that necessary?”
“Could have been paranoia on our part, but after living under conditions of danger for a long time, nearly all my life in the old country, it’s hard to suddenly feel safe just because you’re taken away from it.”
“Your paranoia. Papá wasn’t there anymore.”
“Your father had a hand in how I took care of you three, even when he was no longer there. Your father and I talked and planned for days before we fled. I knew that’s what he would have done.”
“You must have known, then, that he wasn’t coming.”
“But I kept my hopes up to the last minute.”
Her mother was close to tears. She had talked, calmly it seemed, but the tension she had tried to rein in was now on her knitted brow, her moist eyes and her parted lips, as if she was gasping for air. She seized her daughter in her arms and buried her face on her shoulders.
“I want him back, Lani. I miss him so much. I can’t imagine, I don’t want to imagine that he was ever tortured, or left to die, unburied, somewhere.” She burst out crying.
Leilani pressed her lips together to suppress her own tears. They hung tightly on to each other and, for the first time, she saw the turmoil, the great stress her mother had suffered. For how long, she would not dare to guess.
She was also too aware that the plight of her father was not all her mother had to deal with. Amidst the uncertainty, the anxiety, the fear for her husband’s fate, she had to cope with raising her children alone in a strange country.
That night, Leilani stayed with her mother who promised to tell her children everything she knew.
The following evening while she was having her solitary dinner on her couch, Leilani called her brother to tell him what she learned. He did not seem as surprised or as disturbed as she had been.
He said, “I had my suspicions about what happened, particularly after Mamá and I returned five years later. But they were merely suspicions and, maybe, I believed like she did that you didn’t need to know.”
“I would have wanted to know.”
“You were fourteen. I think you’re the one Mamá has been most anxious to protect. Her precious little baby.”
“Mamá never called me her baby. Carmen’s her favorite.”
“That’s what Carmen wants you to believe. She’s not as dense as you think. She’s got sharp eyes and sharp ears.”
Leilani said, unable to hide her irritation. “Let’s say she’s all that. It doesn’t matter anymore, but I want you to know I resent you for not having told me about your suspicions.”
“Grow up, Lani. You of all people, acting like you did when you were nine, petulant and self-centered,” Rudy said, equally irritated.
“Maybe I’d be as mature now as you expect me to be, if you told me when I was fourteen.”
“I did tell you about the rumors I heard. Besides, Mamá was in a bad way—the worst I had ever seen, on the flight back to here. Our trip gave us nothing to go by except the conviction that Papá had been killed, maybe in one of those uprisings. I couldn’t demand that she tell me the truth.”
Leilani said nothing more. She knew her brother was right. She was acting like a child, but she couldn’t help it. The truth about her father distressed her and she was angry. With whom and about what, in particular, she refused to analyze. All she was sure of was she would have wanted to know. She should have known—at the age of fourteen, or even at nine.
But what would she have done if she had known? In those years, she had no control over crucial matters. Would she have been a different person now if she learned the truth about her father back then? Or could that knowledge have destroyed her? As it was, she—a grown woman, proud of her frequent soul-searching—was having trouble coming to terms with it.
Leilani picked up the plate of uneaten food she had placed on the coffee table. She took it to the kitchen, covered it, and put it in the refrigerator. What she needed right then was a good soak in bubbles and the essence of lavender that never failed to soothe her nerves. That would cool her resentment at being kept in the dark.
*****
By the time she and Rudy were back at their mother’s house the following Saturday evening, she was calmer and more rational.
As usual, their mother prepared dinner, a more substantial one to accommodate Rudy. This time, she did not wait for them to finish dinner. She started to talk as soon as they sat down at the table. Leilani sensed that she was anxious to get over the ordeal of justifying the past.
Their mother’s gaze darted between her and Rudy as she spoke. “You need to understand the cond
itions in that country before I tell you more about your father’s role in the assassination attempt. Every day, we heard rumors about killings, looting, missing persons. A few days later, newspapers carried reports corroborating many of those rumors.
"They also reported unaccounted losses in investments and bank accounts of the rich. We read about a cache of precious stones, and other national treasures missing or supposedly misplaced in museums. Those crimes and missing treasures were never investigated.
"Political killing and looting by government officials were nothing new in Costa Mora. But they increased a hundred fold when this president came into power. They went on for years."
Rudy and Leilani knew that their father was one of three physicians in the president’s medical team. But they were unaware, until then, that their father and the president had gone to the same university where they became very good friends. They went their separate ways after that, one to medical school, and the other, to a college abroad for a master’s in business administration.
Their mother said, “That was why your father voted for that president, supported him. He believed in him, until he saw what was going on. He was never a part of the small group of powerful advisers, but he had nearly daily access to the president, when he checked his vital signs and gave him his medications.
"What he heard and saw, and some things the president told him, disturbed your father very much. He saw evidence that atrocities reported in papers—the killing, the missing persons, the looting of bank accounts and national treasures—were being planned, maybe carried out right in that building where all these important people worked."
Rudy and Leilani learned that the assassination plot took shape over several years, and from the very beginning, their father had been involved. At first, he did not know what to do with the information he had collected and locked up at home—copies of memos and notes he had jotted on what he had seen and heard. Then, one day, someone contacted him—most likely, General Huang. He had a group of loyal followers who were all convinced, like him, that the president and his advisers must be yanked out of office.
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