by Sandy Hall
I make sure he doesn’t fall but I also don’t touch him. I know that people having panic attacks don’t always like to be touched, and I don’t want to make this any harder on Henry than it already is.
I knock on the door.
I wait for Paisley, but instead her mom answers. “Hey, guys,” she says. And then she calls over her shoulder. “Paisley, Henry and some other boy are here.”
-PAISLEY-
Henry and some other boy are here.
I can’t even imagine who this other boy would be. Who would Henry drag to my house unannounced? But when I see Henry, I know he’s not exactly in his right mind.
“Henry,” I say, putting my hand on his arm. He’s obviously upset. And then I see Carter. “What the hell did you do?”
“Are you kidding me, Paisley? I didn’t do anything. I brought him over here because I found him like this at Starbucks and he said he couldn’t go home, that he wanted to see you.”
Henry hangs his head.
“Do you need a hug?” Paisley asks.
Henry shakes his head. “Some water’d be good,” he says.
Henry makes his way into the condo and I want to invite Carter in. I want everything to be normal with us, even though I know it’s not.
He’s about to turn away, but I can’t let him go that easily.
“So you do know where I live,” I say.
“I could figure it out. I just didn’t want to see you the other night,” he says, his voice as cold as the air around us.
“Which would be why you treated me like a pariah when I showed up at your house.” I hug myself to ward off the cold but I’m only in thin pajamas so it’s not really working.
“I didn’t invite you there,” he says.
“I don’t get you, Carter.”
“What’s to get? I made a mistake getting involved with you. You never cared about me. You never will care about me.”
“I’m so confused. What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“What did I do?”
“For god’s sake, Paisley, I told you this wasn’t about you. This has nothing to do with you. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“I feel like you’re giving me a lot of mixed messages, not least of which is showing up at my house like this.”
“I’m here because I found your best friend mid–panic attack and didn’t want to leave him out in the elements.”
“That was nice of you. But you’re always nice.”
“Gee, thanks,” he says, sarcasm dripping from his words. “Maybe you could have noticed that sooner before you tried to sabotage my whole life.”
“I thought we were past that? I thought we were good? We made out every night for a week. I thought we were moving toward something.”
“Maybe we were. Maybe we were just making out. But I realized it’s not worth it. I don’t think it’s worth the trouble. We’ll have the same problems in different ways.”
“And we can’t at least try?”
“It’ll be a lot of bullshit and excuses.”
“I don’t understand what your issue with excuses is. You’re allowed to have reasons behind the things you do.”
“Well,” he says, obviously defeated. Obviously leaving for real this time. “Maybe I know you won’t like any of mine.”
And just like that he’s gone.
I have bigger things to deal with, though.
I go inside and find Henry sitting on my bed, nursing a glass of water. I sit next to him.
“Are you okay? What’s happening?”
“Jana called. She says we need to end it or go to our professor. That she’s not comfortable continuing, especially since she’s the one who will be grading my final exam.”
“Well, it’s better to end it than have her tell the professor, right?”
He shakes his head. “I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her.”
I put my arm around his shoulders and he slumps into me. “I’m sorry. That’s the worst.”
“It really, really is.”
I rub his arm. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call. I had my phone off.”
He looks at me curiously.
“Carter troubles. Lots of Carter troubles.”
“I’m not shocked, but on the other hand, I kind of am. He’s a good guy. Better than expected,” Henry says.
“Well, he’s not our problem anymore. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“What did you do?” he asks.
“Me? Nothing! I didn’t do anything.”
I fill him in on what happened at work.
“Well, the moral high ground would be you confessing to your part in the firing. Maybe that would put you on even ground.”
“Maybe. But he acted like that wasn’t necessary,” I insist. But the more I insist, the more I wonder.
“Maybe he decided it was.”
“Maybe he could tell me these things.”
“Maybe.”
“Let’s forget our relationship troubles and watch something nerdy,” Henry suggests.
“Best idea I’ve heard all day,” I tell him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
-CARTER-
“How was your weekend?” Ray asks when I get back to school Sunday afternoon. He’s playing some game on his computer and asks if I want to join. Which I do, even though what I should be doing is studying for finals.
“Complete and utter shit,” I say, dragging over my desk chair and slumping into it.
He pauses the game. “Is the cancer back? You should have texted me.”
“Nope, no bad news with my mom,” I say. Then I fill him in on not only losing my job, which we hadn’t had a chance to talk about last week, but also having to deal with my dad and having two separate fights with Paisley.
“Wow. That’s freaking exhausting. I am exhausted on your behalf.”
“At least I know I’m not being too dramatic about it.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Such a good question that I’ve been trying to answer,” I say. “The job, I’m not sure there’s anything I can do. I sacrificed myself for the greater good and it was a fireable offense either way. I just wanted to save Paisley. In hindsight, that was not my smartest move ever.”
“Dude, forget Paisley. She messed everything up. That was super not cool of her to do. Maybe if you hadn’t had those two strikes already they wouldn’t have come down so hard on you. She needs to tell them about what happened.”
“But those strikes, they happened before,” I say, wanting to defend her mostly out of habit, I suppose.
“Before what? Before you were a human? Who does shit like that to begin with? I’ll never forgive her for stealing my birthday leftovers anyway.” He unpauses the game and we take our frustrations out on the fake bad guys on the screen.
“She’s not a villain,” I say, but I’m laughing now. It’s nice to feel like Ray is on my side of this. “And we got back at her for that. Between the duct-taped door and, you know, ruining her T-shirt business.”
Ray scoffs. “She did terrible shit to you. You don’t have to take it just because you like her. Because you’re a masochist.”
I shake my head. “I liked her for a long time when we were younger. She was my first real crush. I never expected to see her here. So when I did, it felt like destiny. Like we were destined to be together. And she felt worth fighting for. I can’t believe how wrong I was in so many ways.”
“She’s not worth your time,” he says. “So what’s the deal with your dad?”
She might have been worth my time if I hadn’t gone off on her the other night. But I keep that thought to myself.
“If Paisley’s not worth my time, then he definitely isn’t,” I say as I take out another big boss on the screen. Playing video games while fueled by rage seems to be really good for me.
“Well, you had a way worse weekend than me. I was annoyed by my nonstop family time and the fact that my dad got mad at
my mom for not making this one corn dish he likes. But then she made it for him on Saturday and everything was okay.”
“Oh, to have your problems,” I say.
“I know. It’s a good life.”
I grin at him. We take out the next boss and things feel better.
Talking to Ray definitely helped.
-PAISLEY-
It’s a week after we got back from Thanksgiving and finals are already upon us.
After way too many sleepless nights, I decide I need to confess my sins to Jordan. If Carter got fired for making out at work, it’s only fair that I do too.
Jordan is working today at least, and I track her down in the supply room, better known at the ball closet because, literally, it’s where we store all variety of balls. We’re not very clever, but we have fun.
She’s leaning over a large rubber tub. I can’t see what’s in there, but she seems to be sorting into some smaller buckets around her.
“Hey, Paisley,” she says when she sees me. “You’re not on the schedule today.”
“No. I know.”
Then she turns to look at me fully. “Are you okay?”
I know I look like utter shit. I’m wearing the pajamas I’ve slept in for the past three nights and I haven’t washed my hair in who knows how long. The bags under my eyes are dark and deep.
“Are you sick?”
“No, no,” I say. “I need to tell you something. Do you have a minute to talk?”
“I do if you’re willing to help me sort through these,” she says. She tips the tub toward me. It’s a complicated mess of tennis balls, Ping-Pong balls, racket balls, and handballs.
“How did this happen?” I ask.
“Laziness,” she says. I settle next to her but not too close. Lord knows what I smell like at this point.
“So, have exams gotten the better of you?”
I nod. “And there’s something else.”
“Is it about Carter?’
“Yes.”
“I know he’s your buddy, but he was on his third strike. And it doesn’t even matter because he was definitely not supposed to be engaging in such behavior on the job.”
“Well, the thing is,” I say, still half wincing at the use of the word buddy. He was so much more than my buddy. “It was my fault.”
“How do you figure?” she asks, pulling out a Wiffle ball and examining it. “I didn’t even know we had Wiffle balls,” she mutters, tossing it into a separate bucket behind her.
“I was the girl who was under the desk with him,” I say. “I came to see him at work even though I wasn’t on the clock. And I’m the one who engaged with him even though there technically was no kissing.”
“Wait, seriously? There was no kissing?”
I shake my head. “We were under the desk because I dropped a pen. And then I had to take my cardigan off because it got snagged on something. So we probably looked like we’re in a compromising position, when really it was just a weird moment to be caught during.”
Jordan nods, her face dark with thought, so I continue.
“Those early strikes of Carter’s, they were my fault. I did a whole bunch of things like that to him. I was messing with him. I didn’t like him because he was mean to my friend in middle school.”
“You and Carter have known each other since middle school?” she asks, a delighted smile crossing her face. “No wonder you’re so easy together.”
“Jordan. It’s all my fault. I was playing pranks on him, and they all got out of hand. I acted like I didn’t know where he was even though he told me he was going to office hours. The dye in the hand sanitizer was aimed at me because I’d been pranking him and that was his revenge.”
Now I have her attention. “Why would you do those things?”
I shrug. “Because I was mad at him. I thought I could teach him a lesson. I wanted to make him miserable.”
She pushes away from the ball bin and shakes her head.
“This is not great news, Paisley.”
I nod.
“Why didn’t he say anything?”
“Because he’s Carter. He hates excuses. He hates having to explain himself. It’s not his way of doing things.”
She rubs her temples. “It seems like you two have had a pretty rough semester.”
“Carter’s was a lot rougher than mine.”
“I’m going to reconsider my ‘three strikes and you’re out’ policy. Just this once. And I’m going to talk to Mr. Martell. I’ll explain to him what happened. That he got the wrong idea but you guys knew there wasn’t a good way to explain it.”
I nod vigorously.
“I’ll give you both a clean slate in January.”
“I can keep my job?”
She nods.
“What? Really? Why?”
She shrugs. “Because I’ve been here a long time and you guys are great. You’re helpful and punctual. Even with the terrible early shifts we’ve given you.”
“I don’t think he’s going to want to work with me,” I say, realization dawning.
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I’ll let Carter know that he has his job back.” Jordan stands and brushes off her pants. The closet organizing isn’t done, but I guess she has bigger things to deal with right now.
“Wait,” I say, standing up. “Can I tell him? Can you give me a little time before you call him? He probably never wants to talk to me again, but I can at least tell him the good news before he shuns me forever.”
“Yeah, sure,” she says.
“Thanks, Jordan.”
Now I’m a woman on a mission.
My heart soars at the possibilities.
-CARTER-
Carter: Things are really bad.
Thea: What? What’s wrong?
Carter: Everything is really bad.
Thea: How/why? Is it Dad? Did something happen?
Carter: No. It’s Paisley. I didn’t want to talk about it over the weekend, but I got fired from my job last week. It was a little bit her fault, and a little bit mine. But I took the fall. Then I stood her up the other day because, well, I don’t really know why. I couldn’t bear to see her. So then, on top of that, I picked a fight with her. And now I don’t know what to do.
Thea: My god. She got you fired? What a little bitch.
Carter: She didn’t get me fired. Chill out. It was both of us. Something happened at work that looked worse than it was.
Thea: Still. How dare she?
Carter: Thea, listen. I messed up. I’m the one who turned it all upside down.
Thea: Why?
Carter: I wanted to push her away. Even though I like her.
Thea: Do you really like her?
Carter: Yeah.
Thea: I don’t get it.
Carter: She’s funny. She’s always on time. She works hard. She really cares about things. She overcompensates sometimes, but that just makes her a better friend.
Thea: So you really like her.
Carter: I do. I needed someone to talk to, even though I’m still mad at you about making me see Dad.
Thea: Yeah, I know. I just didn’t want you to regret not hanging out with him.
Carter: I know. I know.
Thea: But listen. You don’t need the drama in your life. I know girls like Paisley. They never seem to know what they want. If you really like her, give her some time. Maybe she’s going through a bad phase. Or maybe she’ll grow out of it. Or maybe this is who she is.
Carter: Maybe.
Thea: But you don’t have to let her take you down with her.
Carter: You know how you didn’t want me to regret anything with Dad? Well, I don’t want to regret anything with Paisley.
Thea: I’m not sure that’s exactly the same thing, but I understand what you’re getting at.
Carter: Things were so good between us for a little while. I want to get back to that. But I’m having trouble forgiving her for getting me fired AND for not confessing that she was invol
ved. But it’s not fair, because I told her I’d take care of it.
Thea: Does she know you want her to confess?
Carter: No. I want her to know to do that.
Thea: Well, she’s not a mind reader. But on the other hand, she might not be the person you want her to be. Sometimes that’s how life is.
Carter: I know. I don’t want to be disappointed in her.
Thea: You’re allowed to protect yourself. You don’t have to jump through hoops for this girl.
Carter: Who said anything about jumping through hoops?
Thea: Fine. Fine.
Carter: Thanks for listening.
Thea: You’re welcome. Don’t get yourself all tied up in knots over some girl.
Carter: She’s not just some girl.
Thea: If you really think that, then maybe she’s worth the hoops.
Carter: Yeah. I need to think about this for a while.
Thea: Good luck.
Carter: Thanks again.
-PAISLEY-
I find Carter alone in his room, staring at an open book on his desk. We have our calc exam tomorrow and I’m definitely not prepared. I hope he is.
I’m still a mess. I didn’t even let myself take a shower before I went looking for him. Luckily, I didn’t have to cast a wide net since we live in the same dorm.
I knock lightly on the doorjamb.
He looks over at me but doesn’t say anything.
“Can I come in?” I ask.
“Sure, whatever,” he says, slamming his book shut. He unlocks his phone, looks at the screen for a second, and then flips it over. As if he needs to make absolutely sure that I won’t be able to read anything on it.
“So,” I say. I sit in Ray’s desk chair and Carter turns his body to face me.
“So. What’s up? I have an exam tomorrow and I’m not speaking to my calc tutor,” he says.
I gulp. “I got your job back.”
“You what?”
“I got your job back. I went to Jordan and I told her I was involved. In everything. Every time you messed up, I was behind it. I explained that we weren’t even really kissing under the desk, and she believed me.”