by Eva LeNoir
Alas, that wasn’t where we were. She was there, not even looking at me, telling me to walk away and say goodbye.
Like a done deal.
A finished transaction.
A nullified contract.
Fuck that. Fuck all of it.
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” I told her emphatically.
Without responding to me, she hefted herself off the bed like the mere movement was taking every ounce of energy she had left. From my periphery I noticed something big and black and it hit me.
Her suitcase.
She had already packed up. She had already made up her mind. Closed the book on our story before reading the last two words.
As she reached for her suitcase, presumably to walk out the door, I took the two steps that separated us and buried my hands in her hair, angling her tired, dejected face so that all she could see was me. My sincerity. My love for her.
“Jaidyn, I don’t know what you’re expecting but me letting you go without fighting for you, shouldn’t be it. I won’t give up. I don’t care how long it takes to convince you, I’m in it for the long haul.” I was begging, my voice was cracking with the weight of my sincerity.
She placed her delicate, soft hands on mine and squeezed, closing her eyes for a brief moment before opening them back up and steeling her spine.
I smiled because I could feel her love shining through her eyes. She was giving in. She would give me another chance to prove my trust was worthy of her. That I was worthy of her.
With two parallel tears falling from her eyes, she gently pried my hands from her face, holding them a beat between us and said the words that would finally break me.
“I’m not. I’m done. I don’t trust you, Marlon, and I don’t see this going anywhere without trust. Please, if you do love me, just let me go.” Releasing my hands, she took a step back, grabbed the handle to her suitcase and walked out of my life.
I wished I could say I kept my promise and fought for her.
I wished I could say that I slammed that door shut and dropped to my knees begging her to stay, to give me another chance.
I wished I could have been the man I honestly thought I was.
But her words destroyed me. They had the power to paralyze me with their finality. They blacked out everything around me and left me standing naked and alone.
With her words she stole my heart and my future, and left me alone to pick up the shattered pieces of myself.
Chapter 54
Jaidyn
Christmas was a disaster.
My twenty-second birthday was nothing but regret.
New Years was even worse.
In fact, life was just a continuous stream of self-inflicted pain.
Waking up on Christmas morning much later than I’d anticipated after a long, soulful talk with my mother, I realized I had been cruel. I couldn’t expect people to be complete failures at the first mistake. I couldn’t dismiss what Marlon and I had because he made a bad judgment call while stuck between a rock and my unattainable expectations. I had been too hasty, too final, yet I wasn’t ready to forget that he’d held information that he should have divulged.
I had ignored the tingling of my belly when he placed his hands on my face. I had pushed aside the trust I had in our relationship when he handed over his heart on a silver platter and basically asked me to be careful with it. Instead, I had flung it back at him without thinking of the consequences. Without thinking that it could be final. I threw his love back at him somehow believing that he’d still be there the next day even though I had done everything to make sure he wasn’t.
And he wasn’t.
He’d left before I’d even awakened. Before I had the chance to apologize for going too far. To tell him we could take it slow. To be the one handing over a tiny piece of my heart and hoping he had more tact than I did.
But he’d just left.
After that, the days all seemed to mesh together. I said all the right things for our exchange in gifts, I wished everyone a Happy New Year while sipping on my champagne. We went on a carriage ride, just as it was planned, and it was beyond stunning. Yet it was all just a blur. All of it.
I smiled during the day and cried in my bed, alone and miserable.
I tried calling him but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to press that taunting green icon so I could just hear his voice.
During our stay, I must have typed out a slew of messages that I never sent. It was ridiculous but it was my new reality.
I’d fucked up and now I was paying the price.
My father had called The Dream List Foundation and cancelled the last leg of the trip through Quebec, explaining that his symptoms were just too difficult to handle. He wasn’t lying but if I were a betting woman, I’d have guessed he was cancelling to protect me, to shelter me. To take me back to my home.
And take me back, he did. My mother had flown over with us, informing her husband, Landry, that she needed to spend more time with me.
When we’d arrived home, there were three enormous bouquets of blue roses on the kitchen counter. Every time he’d called me Jaybird, referring the blue jay, popped into my mind. In the note were the simple but unforgettable words: “For every day I’ve loved you, M.”
And still, I couldn’t bring myself to call him.
The better part of January was spent in my suite, studying the syllabi for the courses I would start in the fall. I figured there was nothing wrong in getting a head start since I was technically behind.
And every day, like clockwork, a new blue rose arrived. But still, I wasn’t ready.
By the time February came around, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to speak to him. I had to hear his voice. Bask in the warmth of his eyes, the shine of his smile.
I needed Marlon like I needed oxygen and water. Better yet, I craved Marlon like I craved coffee. The taste, the smooth feeling on my tongue, the burst of energy when in my hands. He was my addiction and I was going to get him back.
The problem was, sending him a text message was lame. It was high schoolish and unworthy of him.
It was time to put on my big girl panties and get my man back.
Chapter 55
Marlon
“If you don’t pick that pouty ass face off the floor, I’m gonna stab you with my Jimmy Choo’s,” I heard Emma say at the entrance of my office. Looking up I noticed she had dressed more demurely, less extravagant. More businesswoman, less Dominatrix.
“Going to a funeral?” I asked her with a touch of humor, but my heart wasn’t in it. For a month and a half, I made sure that Jaidyn couldn’t forget me. She needed space which I understood but I wasn’t done. I wasn’t in the same galaxy as done.
“As a matter of fact, I am.”
I reared back, aghast and a bit ashamed of myself for throwing that out so carelessly.
“I’m sorry,” I started, but stopped when I saw the smirk on her lips.
“It’ll be your damn funeral if you don’t get your head out of your ass, Brando. And honestly, I’ve got a running bet with the guys that says you’re going to walk in front of a car and get yourself killed by the end of the month.”
Nice.
I guessed my pretending that everything was fine wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all my friends.
“I’m fine, I’ll be fine,” I told her, getting out of my chair, and stretching out my legs. I’d been behind my desk for the entirety of the morning checking on some clients, notably Martha Summers, and making sure everything was running smoothly. She’d sent us a postcard from Accra, thanking us for the accommodations, and the thoughtfulness had deeply touched me.
I won’t admit that I may or may not have kept an eye of Jaidyn and Robert’s itinerary. It wasn’t that difficult since they’d called the foundation and as the primary on the file, every decision was run by me first. That was how I knew the day they’d be returning, giving me a chance to send her one hundred and ninety-three sapphire roses. One for
every day my heart belonged to her. Luca found out through Christine, and it took him all of twenty seconds to run down to Ethan’s office to spill the news. I haven’t lived that shit down since. But the joke was on them. I gave zero fucks about what they thought. The only thing I was hoping for was to get Jaidyn to finally call me.
So, yeah. I knew she was back in San Diego. Had been since the second week of January. We’d been back on the same time zone for almost four weeks and I hadn’t heard a word from her. In fact, I hadn’t heard a peep out of her since Christmas Eve, when she ripped my heart out and did the Cha-Cha-Cha on it before leaving me with a gaping hole for all to see.
“Hey!” Emma snapped her fingers in front of my face. Apparently, I’d zoned out thinking of Jaidyn, “Snap out of it, you fool!”
“What do you need, Emma? I’m not in the mood for sparring, I’m busy.” I told her, about to make my way back to my desk.
“Jesus, you are a mess. And you can only blame yourself, if you ask me,” she was looking at her plum colored nails like I was an afterthought.
“I didn’t ask you, Emma, so why don’t you go back to Ethan’s office and pretend you’re not fucking him so we can all get back to our daily routines.” God, I hated myself when I became the uptight asshole in the group. It wasn’t supposed to be my role, I was the laid-back guy. The “it’ll all work out” guy.
“Can’t, you asshole, we have a meeting in the conference room. Now. So stop your moping and get your ass down there.”
Did she just say “we”?
Before I had a chance to ask her if, all of a sudden, she was employed at the Dream List Foundation, she was gone.
Shaking my head and wondering what else I’d missed while my head was in a heartbreak fog, I closed my laptop and walked out of the office, informing Christine that we were in a meeting.
Apparently, she already knew that.
“Well, well, well, there’s our boy. Is that yesterday’s suit?” Ethan asked as I walked in the conference room, greeted by my so-called family. They were all sitting on one side of the long table like judges on Who’s Got Talent, eyes fixed on me, mouths in a straight, serious line.
“What the fuck is this? An intervention?” I scoffed at the idea, playing along by pulling out a chair and sprawling over it.
“Yup,” they all said at the same time.
“Great. Just fucking great. Did you hire strippers and maybe hookers to get me back in the saddle, too?” I asked drily, although I wouldn’t put it past Ethan, and judging from his smirk, I’d guess that had been his suggestion when they put this plan into place.
“That’s disgusting,” Emma said, a snarl on her ruby red lips.
“That’s what I said,” Ethan blurted out earning him a smack behind his head by both Luca and Emma.
“We’re having a party,” Luca informed, all business.
Looking around me, I pretended to be disappointed, “This is it? Not even alcohol?”
“Don’t be daft, Marlon, we’re not having parties at the office, it’s an HR nightmare,” this coming from Luca, of course, who was the most responsible one among us.
“I suggested that, too!” Ethan cried out like we were brain buddies. The difference was that I was being sarcastic.
“This weekend, at the beach house. We are planning a nice get together so you can relax, and according to the weather it should be a nice sixty-five degree day so you can put on your wetsuit and go meditate in the water,” Luca said, presenting the situation in a way that would appeal to me. He was right, a little surfing would make my soul heal from the train wreck that was my love life.
“Or, you could get laid,” Ethan shrugged, earning himself another double smack in the back of the head and a scowl from me.
“What? It’s been like a month and a half since he’s seen any puss—” smack again.
“Will you two stop with the bitch slaps? Fucking hell, I’m just sayin’, he needs to let off some steam,” he said, ducking in anticipation of another smack down.
“Not everyone is controlled by their dicks, Ethan,” Emma threw at him, but quickly regretted it.
“You haven’t been complaining,” Ethan murmured, except everyone heard him and we finally got verbal confirmation.
“Is this recent,” Luca asked, innocently.
“None of your business,” came from Emma, while Ethan blurted out, “since October.”
Smack.
With a grin, I extended my hand to Luca and waited for the hundred-dollar bill to fall into my hands.
“You’re such an idiot,” Emma said under her breath and got up from the table.
The meeting was apparently over.
Just being with them was making me feel a little bit better so I figured taking a break and heading to the beach for the weekend would do my body great. Plus, I needed some Millie time.
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” I told the guys before Emma reached the closed door, “but I don’t want random chicks there or random anyone there. Just us, okay?” I looked at Ethan to make sure he got my message, “Dude, don’t invite the whole fucking state of California or I will rip up your signed poster of Chuck Norris. He gasped but eventually nodded and I knew he’d keep his promise.
Chapter 56
Jaidyn
The last few weeks with my mother in our home had helped to heal my soul. Eventually, I’d learned to let go of my anger and our late-night talks were quite eye-opening. We’d also spent long hours with my dad, even spying them watching Casablanca in the movie theater. His love for her had never diminished, his eyes shining every time she walked into the room. She, however, loved him in a different way. Apparently, they’d been talking for a few months behind my back, catching up, apologizing and mending their broken souls. It took awhile for my mother, even though she’d put on a brave face in Finland, she’d still resented him for his actions years ago. Who could blame her?
But with my father’s planned death creeping up on us, we’d decided to take advantage of the time we had left.
I still couldn’t accept it. This decision he was making seemed selfish and cruel but ultimately, it was his decision and I would have to accept that.
What we did negotiate, was my testing.
With Marlon gone, I’d had a lot to think about. If I tested positive, I would still have a good twenty years in front of me. The problem was my medical career would be inevitably cut short. And that was the argument that convinced me to finally get tested. I needed to know what I was facing and how to plan out the good years. Financially, I could live off my trust fund but that wasn’t how my father had raised me. I wanted a career, I wanted to help others and possibly even in research.
On the other hand, if I tested negative, the cloud would be lifted from above my head, the risk of passing on my disease would be zero. I could finally let myself imagine a life with a family, with children. Inevitably, Marlon’s face had flashed through my mind and suddenly, I had wanted to know more than ever.
Genetic testing in California wasn’t as simple as a pregnancy test. I knew this because I’d done both in the last two weeks.
Where one took less than fifteen minutes, the other would be longer, before and after I gave them my blood samples.
It had been a long, tiring process with several in person sessions, counseling, to explain the benefits and risks of genetic testing. I’d signed form after form including informed consent.
The pregnancy test was negative, by the way. I was hoping that was a sign.
The big difference was that I’d have to wait two to three weeks for results that just a couple of months earlier I hadn’t wanted at all. The wait would be terrible. The wondering. The imaging.
The dreaming of a family, which I’d never permitted myself to do before, picturing Marlon with a baby in his arms as attentive to him or her as he had always been with me. My mother had suggested adoption as an alternative in case I tested positive, giving the same chance at life as Marlon had been given with his foster mothe
r. Another way of paying it forward.
I wanted to tell him. To call him.
I wanted him to be there with me, but I knew I needed to do this on my own. Facing my biggest demon so that I could face my greatest dreams. A successful career and a happy family.
“How did it go?” Mom asked as I walked out of the office, a bit in a daze, the stakes suddenly higher.
“They took blood, explained a few things, talked about the vials but honestly, it was all just a blur. I nodded and answered at the appropriate times and just waited for it to be done, basically,” I told her as we made our way outside the clinic and to my parked car.
Before I reached the driver’s side, my mother stopped me with a hand on my forearm. “Hey,” she said softly, eyes so full of compassion they nearly broke me, “Whatever happens, I’m here for you, okay?” I nodded, and I could tell she had more she wanted to say but was hesitating, possibly not wanting to upset me.
“What is it?” I asked, cocking my head to the side trying and failing to read her expression.
“Have you spoken to Marlon?” At the sound of his name, my stomach tightened, the nerves and butterflies and the stampede of stallions running around in my belly almost making me nauseous.
“No,” I said, barely a whisper.
“Oh, Jaidyn, sweetheart,” and then she hugged me, and it felt so comforting, so soothing to have my mother giving me solace at a time where life was at its most uncertain.
I didn’t tell her of my plans, in case it was a big flop. I didn’t want to have to talk about that to anyone who was expecting the big romantic reunion.
We drove home in silence, me focusing on the dread of my looming results, and her probably trying to find a way to console me.
As I parked the car in the driveway, my mother put a hand on mine where it lay on the gear shift, “We only have four weeks, sweetheart. Is there anything you would like to do with your dad?”