by Liwen Y. Ho
A wry smile crossed his lips as he stood. He grabbed the leather jacket on his seatback, along with his wallet and keys from the table. “I’m gonna go for a drive.”
“Sure, take your time,” she agreed a little too quickly. She tried to make up for her overenthusiasm by adding, “I know how much you love driving the new car.”
“I’ll pick up some pizza on the way home. Half combination and half Hawaiian sound okay? Liv?”
Olivia glanced up from the sentence she was marking with a yellow highlighter. “Yeah, that’d be great. Don’t forget to get extra olives. Micah loves them as much as you do.”
“Olives. Of course.”
A flash of emotion crossed his face before she could decipher it. She called out to his back as he made his way to the front door. “See you later!”
----
Present day
“Can we go to the beach today, Mom?”
Olivia exhaled deeply and pried her eyes away from the dining room window. The beautiful view confirmed how different life on Oahu was compared to California. Even with the rain pouring down, the lush greenery surrounding her brother’s quaint house was enough to soothe her mind. “Sorry, sweetie, but it’s raining even harder than yesterday. Unless it clears up later, it's a no.”
He plopped down in the chair next to Olivia. “Is it gonna rain every day we’re here?"
“I hope not, but let’s see.” She picked up her cell phone from the table and double-clicked the weather app icon. Images of white clouds with blue slanted lines underneath them popped onto the screen. “Rain today, rain tomorrow, and rain the day after that—” she paused when Micah let out a long aww “—but the tropical storm is supposed to weaken on Tuesday. It’ll be clear and sunny on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. I promise we’ll hit the beach as much as we can on those days. We’ll stay in the water until we’re wrinkled like raisins. Okay?”
Micah sighed, unmoved by her forced enthusiasm. “Okay.”
She wrapped one arm around him and pulled him in for a kiss. He slumped against her, reminding her of the baby who used to lean his head on her shoulder when she carried him. When had his chubby limbs grown so long and lean? He was looking more like a young boy, and quite honestly, more and more like Matt. She couldn’t help but feel guilty as she smoothed down the lock of hair near the whorl on his head that refused to lay flat. Such reminders of Matt always made her feel like she’d failed as a parent. But they also motivated her to do what she could—like planning a trip to Hawaii—to make Micah’s life a little better. Too bad the weather wasn’t cooperating. “I know this trip isn’t turning out the way you hoped, but we can still have fun.”
“I know. I like playing with Keoni and Kailee.” Pulling back, he looked Olivia in the eyes. “Mom, how come you and Ba didn’t have more kids? It’d be fun to have someone to play with at home.”
“We, uh ...” She avoided his gaze and scrambled to think of an answer. Why did she always get stuck with the hard questions? At least this one didn’t require an actual “birds and the bees” lesson. She was still recovering from that conversation. “God just gave us you. You’re more than enough for us. Ba and I love you, you know that, right?”
He nodded without a word.
“I didn’t hear you.” She tickled his sides, knowing the exact spot that would produce a smile. He was so, so much like Matt. “You know we love you, don’t you?”
“Yes, Mom!” He collapsed in a fit of giggles as Olivia poked him one last time.
“Hey, I have an idea. We can’t go snorkeling today, but we can still see fish at the aquarium. Let’s ask Aunt Lani to take us. What do you think?”
Micah raised his voice and jumped up. “Cool! I hope they have sea turtles. Ba told me to take pictures if I see any.”
“Shh, everyone’s still sleeping,” she warned him with a grin. Due to the time difference, they had been waking up before the sun, and Micah used the hour before his cousins got up to Facetime with Matt. “Did you talk to Ba already? That was fast.”
“Yeah. He had to go somewhere, but he said he’d talk to us soon.”
Olivia looked for signs of disappointment on his face and was relieved to find none. The last thing she wanted was for Micah to suffer because of her and Matt’s problems. The separation had been hard on him, but she knew—and studies had confirmed—that kids were worse off living with parents who fought all the time. She’d experienced the emotional damage herself, but she at least had an older brother to watch out for her. Speaking of Brian, she heard the shuffle of his footsteps as he carried a cup of coffee into the room.
“Morning.” He took a seat across from them and reached for the box sitting in the middle of the round table. He grabbed one of the pastries inside and took a bite. “Did you guys eat yet?”
“I haven’t. My stomach’s been acting up ever since we got here. I wish I could have a malasada,” Olivia said, referring to the plump, holeless doughnut in Brian’s hand. “Do you want one, Micah?”
“Is there one with stuff inside?”
“Sure. Do you want haupia or lilikoi—” he translated the words when Micah furrowed his brows “—coconut or passionfruit?”
“Passionfruit.” He accepted the malasada Brian handed him. “Thanks, Uncle Brian.”
Olivia chuckled in amazement. She still had a hard time believing her brother, the guy who preferred the library to the outdoors, now lived a few miles from the beach. And spoke Hawaiian. Granted he’d only gained a small vocabulary since marrying Lani, but he’d drastically changed his lifestyle for the woman he loved. Of all the reasons why she looked up to him, that was at the forefront. “We’re thinking of going to the aquarium today. Do you want to come?”
“Unfortunately, pastors don’t get weekends off. I need to finish my sermon prep for tomorrow.”
Although Brian worked full-time as an optometrist, he shared in a lot of the responsibilities at his father-in-law’s church. That was the reason he and Lani had moved to Oahu, so they could be near her family and support the growing congregation. “I can’t believe they let you preach,” she teased. “What’s the message on?”
Brian paused for a beat before he replied. “Marriage.”
Olivia willed herself not to roll her eyes. She'd heard enough of his lectures over the years to know that he was well-versed on the topic. She kept her tone light, but spoke through gritted teeth. “That should be interesting.”
The chatter of high-pitched voices from the other side of the house reached the dining room. Micah stuffed the last of his breakfast into his mouth as he hopped off his chair. “They’re awake! Can I go?”
“Sure. Remember to brush your teeth.” Olivia’s smile soon faded when she spotted the serious expression on her brother’s face. “What?”
“You look worn out, Liv.”
She shrugged. “It’s the jet lag. And my body needing to recover from the holidays. Micah’s had non-stop school events since Thanksgiving.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “How’s life as a single parent treating you?”
Even though Brian’s tone wasn’t accusatory, she felt strangely defensive. “I’m not a single parent; Matt does as much as I do. He has Micah for the first half of each week. He even changed his schedule so he can work from home on those days and pick him up from school. He’s a good dad … unlike some people.”
He raised his brows and took a sip from his mug. “I didn’t say he wasn’t.”
“I—never mind,” she conceded. She didn’t want to think about the past. She was here to distance herself from it, even if only for a few days.
“You know you’ll need to forgive him someday. If you don’t, it’s going to keep eating you up inside and hurting your relationships, your marriage.”
Olivia’s stomach turned, knowing full well who Brian was referring to. If disgust had a flavor, it was probably similar to the bitter taste coating her tongue. “How can you defend Dad after what he did? He left us. What kind of father lea
ves his kids?”
“I’m not excusing what he did. But I’ve come to accept that Dad wasn’t ready to be a husband, much less a parent. We both know he wasn’t perfect. He had his demons—gambling was one of them. If he couldn’t take care of himself, how could we expect him to take care of anyone else? Him leaving was what he thought was best for all of us.”
“Of course,” she scoffed, “men are always thinking about themselves. Who cares about the family. You guys just do what you want.”
“Liv,” he grimaced, “not all men think that way.”
The hurt in her brother’s voice caused her heart a twinge of guilt. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. At least, not about you.” She sighed. When had she gotten so negative about the male species? The last thing she wanted was to end up like her mother, lonely and resentful and unforgiving. “I want to forgive him; I just don’t know how.”
“Dad? Or Matt?”
Wow, leave it to her brother to cut to the chase. “Both?” The word ended with a lilt as if she was posing a question, but it was clear to her what the answer should be.
“Just be honest with God. He knows your struggles. He’ll help you forgive.”
Struggle. That was the theme of her life. Always struggling between what she wanted to believe about men and what her mother taught her to believe. Struggling to live her life and not repeat the mistakes of the past. Struggling between protecting herself and letting her guard down.
If she was being honest, she’d admit that Matt was the one person she ever allowed inside her heart.
She’d been so young when she fell for him. Fell was the right description because she’d fallen in love with the idea of being desired and pursued, of being someone’s whole world. He’d drawn her out of her shell and shown interest in the things she was interested in. He made her laugh and feel safe. Even when she got pregnant and they faced judgment from their families and the church, he had stood by her side, assuring her they would be okay. They were a team and if they did their best to follow God together, they would be all right.
Matt had done everything right ... until one day he didn’t. Or maybe it had been a series of didn’ts on both their parts.
She had let him down, too. She wasn’t the wife she’d wanted to be. But she’d had a steep learning curve when she took on three roles—wife, mother, and student—back to back. Perhaps she tried to have it all too soon and ended up with only bits and pieces of each. Was it too late now to restore the pieces left in her grasp?
Exhaling, she looked up from the table and met her brother’s eyes. “I think I just need time to process everything.”
“I have an idea. Why don’t you stay home today while Lani takes the kids out? I’m heading to church soon so you can have the place to yourself. The peace and quiet will give you some time to clear your head … and your heart.”
Time alone was just what she needed. “Sure. I’d like that. Thanks, Ge.” She hadn’t called Brian older brother in Chinese since they were kids, but it felt right to pay him some respect.
“No problem, Mei.” He downed the rest of his coffee and gave her hair a light tousle as he left the room.
Reunion
Three months ago
Matt
“Thanks for nothing!”
Olivia’s angry words echoed in Matt’s ear long after she hung up. He threw his phone onto the desk, not caring that it landed with a loud clatter against a half-full mug. The coffee in it was cold by now and he was hardly living up to the design—a symbol of Superman’s coat of arms—on the outside. Micah thought it was so cool that he was a reporter like Clark Kent. But that was where the similarities between him and and the Man of Steel ended.
He’d let his son and Olivia down again today. It wasn’t like they’d asked him to put his life on the line; he only needed to drive Micah to his softball game. But his boss had pushed up his deadline and if he missed it, it would be his promotion at stake.
He switched his cell to silent and dove back into his article on the presidential race, his fingers racing across the computer keyboard as he tried to meet his word count. He’d been working for over an hour when he heard someone calling his name over the din of the office.
“Matt! Call on line one, says it’s urgent.”
Who was calling him? He never gave out his work number since he was usually out and about. He picked up his desk phone, taking a second to locate the button beside the flashing green light. “Hello? Matthew Chan speaking.”
“Mr. Chan, this is Officer Lane with the Berkeley PD. I’m sorry to inform you that your wife and son were in a car accident—”
“What? Are they okay? Where are they?”
As soon as he got the name of the hospital, he dropped the receiver and ran out the door.
After an hour fighting traffic, Matt arrived to find Olivia sitting in the waiting area of the emergency room. She was dressed in work attire—a sleeveless yellow blouse and black pants—but she was hugging her knees to her chest like a small child. He ran over and knelt in front of her chair. “What happened?”
Her head jerked up in surprise. The irises of her eyes were dilated, making her brown eyes appear even bigger than usual. Her composure crumpled and tears fell down her pale cheeks. “Matt, they took Micah. I don’t know—”
“Where? Where’d they take him to? Is he okay?”
She shook her head, freeing more locks of hair from her already loosened bun. “They’re doing a CAT scan. He might have a concussion. He hit his head hard and blacked out. When he came to—” she choked on her words and fought to finish the sentence “—he couldn’t remember what happened. I shouldn’t have run the light. Why didn’t I stop? If anything happens to him—”
Matt took a seat beside her and pulled her trembling body close. It was the first time he had touched her in months and he was surprised at how small and fragile she felt in his arms. When had she lost so much weight? “Shh, he’ll be fine. Let’s not worry until we find out what the scan says.”
“How can you be so calm?” she murmured against his polo shirt.
The truth was he was fighting his own emotions, but he needed to stay calm for Olivia. He’d never seen her like this, so vulnerable and broken. He tried to focus on the facts, like his job had taught him to do. “I did a story once about sports and head injuries. The best thing to do is to get medical attention as soon as possible. Micah’s getting the help he needs. All we can do is wait.”
Olivia nodded, her breathing gradually evening out.
A few minutes passed in silence as Matt held her still. Cold air from a vent above their seats caused Olivia to shiver and he rubbed away the goosebumps on her bare arms. He sensed her body relax and the way she rested her head on his chest brought tears to his eyes. It reminded him of the past when they sat like this in front of the TV, only without the wooden arms of the chairs separating them. Or the painful memories and unspoken regrets lingering between them. So much had changed. How had they gone from being happy together to this? One thing was for sure: he did love her. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
She took a shaky breath. “Just a little sore, but I’m fine. I wish it was me in there instead of Micah. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt. I’m supposed to protect him. I’m his mom.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I ran a red light. Of course it’s my fault.”
“You were trying to get him to his game. I know you would never intentionally put him in danger. You were just doing what you had to do, just like you’ve always done as a parent. You’re a good mom, Liv.”
She pulled away and faced him. Her expression was wary and unsure. “You’re not upset at me? You don’t blame me?”
Taking a deep breath, he released it in a long sigh. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.”
“What? Why?”
“I was supposed to drive Micah today. If I had, this wouldn’t have happened.”
She looked down at her hands, so he couldn’t see her f
ace. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper. “I want to blame you, but—”
“Mrs. Chan?” A middle-aged doctor appeared at the front of the room, scanning the faces around him.
Olivia shot to her feet. “Yes?”
“I’m Dr. Kavanaugh from Radiology. This is your husband I presume?”
Noting Olivia’s hesitation, Matt stood and answered for her. “I’m Micah’s dad. How is he?”
“Good news. He’s doing fine. The CAT scan came back and there’s no sign of internal bleeding. He’s free to go home. One of the nurses will bring him out.”
“Thank you, Doctor.” Olivia turned to Matt with a relieved smile. “He’s okay!”
He lost his balance for a split second as she threw her arms around him. For a moment, he didn’t know how to respond except to bury his face in her hair, losing himself in the familiar vanilla scent of her perfume. He brought his arms around her waist and gave her a gentle squeeze. He was holding Olive again, but more importantly, she had reached out for him. The circumstances that brought about this reunion were so wrong, yet everything about this moment felt so right. He knew at that instant that leaving his family was the worst decision he’d ever made.
----
Present day
“You still love her, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. Why else would I have come?” Matt adjusted the earbud connected to his cell phone and reached over the center console of the rental car for his coffee. He took a large gulp, hoping the caffeine would kick in soon. He’d hardly gotten any sleep last night before waking up at dawn to catch the first available flight to Oahu. Now if Brian would give him the information he needed, he could get on with his plan. “If you’re done grilling me, can I please have your address?”