by L.H. Cosway
The first couple of interviews went fine, mostly fluff pieces asking me my favourite brand of shampoo, or my go-to drink when training. Then, the final interviewer called. It was for a newspaper back home, and straight off the bat, I knew it was going to be a difficult conversation.
“So, the incident at the TV Choice Awards between Callum Davidson and Ben Young, did that have anything to do with you?” the interviewer asked.
He had one of those haughty public-school accents, which immediately got my back up.
“Not to my knowledge.” I didn’t feel any guilt about lying since he was obviously looking for a scandal.
“Several sources say you and Mr. Young looked very cosy during the event. There’s even footage of you both sharing several drinks together. Given your past relationship with Callum, do you think this caused him to be jealous?”
“I have no idea what goes on inside Cal’s head. You’d have to ask him that.”
“Well, what about the out-of-court settlement that was made between Callum and Mr. Young, can you tell me anything about that?” There was an edge to his voice, probably because he wasn’t getting anywhere with me.
“Like I said, you’d have to ask them.”
The journalist cleared his throat. “Are you and Callum back together?”
“No. I’m not sure what would give you that idea.” I instantly regretted my words because he was all too happy to explain exactly where he got the idea.
“Well, you might be aware that a lot of your followers on social media have been speculating up a storm about your current relationship status since just yesterday Callum commented on one of your selfies to say he thought you looked beautiful.”
Well, crap. I hadn’t even thought of the repercussions of that comment. Obviously, people were going to see it and talk. “Just because he gave me a compliment doesn’t mean we’re together.”
“You can understand why it would make people believe you are though, can’t you?”
“There are a lot of things I can understand,” I said, avoiding an answer.
“Leanne, I’m just trying to get to the bottom of your relationship with Callum. Are you or aren’t you together?”
I gritted my teeth. “We are not.”
“Very well then. Thank you for your time.”
“No, thank you,” I clipped and hung up, then threw the phone across my bed. I couldn’t afford for anyone to be printing interviews about Cal and me getting back together. If the network caught wind of rumours like those, I didn’t know what might happen, especially since we were still in our one-year probationary period. If they wanted, they could get rid of us next season, cast some new faces. There were plenty of talented freerunners in London for them to choose from.
Okay, I was officially in a bad mood. And I needed a drink.
I headed to the kitchen and pulled open the fridge in search of alcohol, but there was nothing. In fact, I searched the entire house, and there wasn’t a drop to be found. Irritated, I pulled up the number for a taxi service on my phone and booked a car to take me into the city. I knew this wasn’t the best city to be wandering around alone at night, but I only planned to take a taxi straight to a bar, then straight back to the house.
When the car arrived, I managed to sneak out undetected. I told the driver to take me to the best bar he knew, though I probably should’ve been a little more specific because he stopped in a neighbourhood that didn’t look too safe. Still, there were lots of people about, so it couldn’t be that bad. In my experience, it was the abandoned places you had to be careful of.
Inside, the place was jam-packed with a Saturday-night crowd. The music was good, and the vibe seemed chill. Maybe the taxi driver had made a good choice after all.
I went to the bar and ordered a gin and tonic. Yes, tonight was a gin sort of night. I let the swell of music and chatter fill my ears, blocking out my thoughts while I soldiered my way through drink after drink. Nobody tried to talk to me, maybe because I had the look of a woman who wasn’t there for conversation. I had one mission and that was blissful inebriation. I wanted to forget about that silly interview, about the emotions the roller coaster ride summoned in me, about how conflicted I was over Cal.
Something had changed in him, and it felt deliberate, like he was actively trying to be a better person. Why couldn’t he just stay the same hot-tempered, argumentative, infuriatingly frustrating man I knew? That way it would be a whole lot easier to stick to our contract.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out. Michaela was calling, but I sent her to voice mail. Whatever she wanted, it could wait until morning. Right now I just needed to be alone with my thoughts and my gin.
I knocked back my drink then ordered another. I sat there until closing time and everyone was starting to leave. I decided I should probably make a move too. A little wobbly on my feet, I got up and headed outside.
When I’d arrived, there’d been lots of taxis on the road, but now there were none. I pulled out my phone.
“Sawubona. Unjani?”
I blinked drunkenly and looked up. A young guy about my age was smiling at me. I had no idea what he just said. He looked friendly, but there was something off about his smile. Then I saw two other guys hovering behind him.
Crap. The guy who’d spoken looked at my phone, and I realised his intent. He was going to mug me.
It was 3 a.m. in Johannesburg, and I was drunk in a strange part of the city. I didn’t even know the name of the street I was on. My first instinct was to tell them to fuck off and leave me alone, but then I’d reveal my accent. They’d know instantly I wasn’t from here.
Not that I didn’t look like an easy mark already.
I quickly glanced around. There was an alley behind the bar. Without hesitation, I shoved my phone back in my pocket and ran. I heard the three guys chasing me as I leapt atop a large dumpster, then climbed the back wall at the end of the alley. One of them tried to climb up too, but he didn’t have much luck. Another one said something I didn’t understand, but it sounded like a swear.
I saluted them with a wave, then climbed up onto the roof of the bar and ran to the next building. I jumped the six-foot gap easily, though my landing was sloppy, thanks to the gin. Adrenaline rushed through me, and I kept running, leaping from building to building, until I’d put a safe distance between the muggers and me. I sat down on a wall at the edge of an apartment block to catch my breath, the lights of the city twinkling before me.
I’d been so stupid to come out here on my own, not even figuring out the neighbourhood I was in before I’d decided to drink myself into oblivion. Now that the danger had been averted, a wooziness hit me. I barely managed not to puke.
I needed to figure out how to get back to the house, so I pulled out my phone. I had a tonne of missed calls from Michaela and Cal, not to mention a number of texts.
Cal: Where the hell are you?
Michaela: Answer your phone. Cal’s been going crazy looking for you.
I was still scrolling through my messages when the phone started ringing in my hand. It was Cal. He was the last person I wanted to ask for help, but I kind of needed rescuing and I didn’t want to wake up Paul.
“Hello?”
“Leanne, where are you?” Cal’s voice was gritty, angry, worried.
Weirdly, hearing him was a relief.
I scratched the back of my head, looking around for a landmark. “Hey, so, um, I might’ve done something stupid.” If I didn’t have so much gin in my system, I never would’ve admitted that to Cal, but alcohol was like my truth serum.
“I’m coming to get you. Tell me where you are.”
I pulled up my GPS coordinates and Cal said he’d be there as quick as he could. When I hung up, I lay down for a minute, just until the world stopped spinning. The fact I even made it up here in the state I was in was a miracle.
I looked up at the sky that was slowly starting to brighten, welcoming in a new day, and wished for stars. Stars reassured me.
They made me feel like I wasn’t the only tragic thing in the world. They showed me that you could still shine bright even after you’d died inside. That all wasn’t lost just because you’d lost something.
I didn’t know how much time had passed when I heard footsteps approach.
“What in the actual fuck happened to you?” Cal swore and kneeled before me.
He checked me over as I sat up. At least time had helped me sober up a little. Or maybe that was Cal being there.
“Eh, there was nothing to drink at the house, so I decided to go out and find a bar. Everything was fine, but I left it a bit late to go home and these three blokes tried to rob me. I managed to jump onto the roof and get away, but then I had no idea where I ended up, which is well, here. But obviously, you found me. So, it’s all good.”
Cal stared at me, pissed. “You little fucking idiot.”
“Hey! I already admitted it was stupid. You don’t need to rub my face in it.”
He exhaled heavily. “Thank Christ nothing happened to you.”
“No, thank Christ I know parkour.”
His green eyes narrowed to slits. “What if they caught you? They might not have just wanted to rob you, Leanne.” He looked furious, like he wanted to punch a wall or something. “If anything happened to you, I’d lose it. We all would.”
Guilt ate at me. Cal was right, everybody would be devastated if I was hurt. I stared down at the street where there was a glowing sign on top of a closed supermarket. The minivan Cal drove here was parked outside it.
“Saw you taking a little nap up here on the edge of the roof. Also dumb, since you’re clearly shit-faced and could roll right off if you weren’t careful. Just out of curiosity, why are you going out of your way to get yourself killed?”
Our eyes met, and he seemed to realise the answer to that question was a lot more complicated than we had time for. I didn’t respond, looking away. I felt way too exposed right then.
“You’ve been drinking an awful lot,” Cal said, deciding to throw fuel on the fire.
I brought my gaze back to him. “And?”
“Why?” His stare was unrelenting.
I felt my eyes grow watery. “Because it helps.”
Cal studied me so hard that lines formed between his eyebrows. A part of me wanted to jump off this roof and run away, but another part wanted to stay and savour his care and attention. This moment of truth had my heart pounding. Cal reached out and stroked my cheek. I blinked away a tear and it rolled down my face.
He wiped it away as he whispered, “How does it help?”
Honesty spewed right out of me. “It makes me forget.”
His answering expression was something I couldn’t put into words. It was pure emotional turmoil, like he wanted to take my pain away no matter the cost. But no, that wasn’t right. Cal didn’t do selfless things. Not for me.
He lifted my hand and brought it to his chest. “I’m sorry for making you ride that roller coaster today.”
“I don’t care about that anymore,” I said, full of bluster.
“You were upset. I didn’t like it.”
I scoffed. “Course you didn’t.”
“For fuck’s sake. I came all the way out here to rescue you. Can you just be real with me for one minute?”
I bit my lip, my throat growing heavy. “I don’t need to be rescued,” I whispered.
Cal swore under his breath. “That’s not what I meant. You know it isn’t. I just want you to acknowledge that there’s a part of you, no matter how small, that actually gives a shit about me.”
I met his gaze. “Why?”
“Because, with everything I’m made of, I give a shit about you.”
The quiet rang in my ears before I finally spoke, “I…do care about you but…”
“But what?”
I bit my lip, held back the tears that wanted to fall. “When I’m with you, I don’t feel in control of myself, and every time I’ve opened up to you, it’s ended in pain. I can’t go through that again.”
Cal stood, his features hardening. It was clear he wasn’t happy. “Come on, we better get back to the house.”
I nodded sombrely and followed as he climbed the fire escape back down to the street. When we reached the minivan he paused, holding the keys in his hand.
“You seem to keep forgetting something, Leanne,” he said and I held my breath, waiting for the rest. His eyes met mine, so green and heavy with emotion. “You’re not the only one who suffered.”
Without giving me a chance to respond, he pressed the button to open the car doors then slid into the driver’s seat. I stood still for a second, the full realisation of my own selfishness dawning on me. He was right, he had suffered too. Each of our breakups had hurt him just as much as they hurt me.
I opened the door on my side and got in. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was the lump in my throat.
Or maybe I was just a giant coward.
Ten
Callum
Three and a half years ago
My attention locked on her the moment she walked into the party.
Leanne wore a tight black top, dark jeans, and heeled boots. Her dark eye makeup brought out the aquamarine of her eyes, her short hair tousled. I couldn’t look away. She was so sexy it physically hurt. This girl who I didn’t even know a couple of months ago now took over ninety percent of my waking thoughts and a good portion of my sleeping ones.
This year Trev had decided last minute to throw a party at his place for New Year’s Eve. There were drunk people everywhere, beautiful women, more than one of whom had given me the eye, but I wasn’t interested. All I wanted was my scrappy little tomboy who gave me shit, then kissed me when no one else was watching.
We’d been seeing each other in secret for months, though I suspected Leanne might’ve confessed to Paul what was going on. Not that I cared. As far as I was concerned, we could shout that we were together from the rooftops. Unfortunately, Leanne was concerned it might mess with the dynamic of the show, and she was right. We had a good thing going and we didn’t want to screw with it.
Now I finally had enough money to move Mum out of the shitbox we’d both been living in. I rented her a cosy two-bedroom house in the suburbs, and she was even able to quit her job. Since she’d worked in crappy jobs all her life just to feed and clothe me, it was about time she enjoyed a bit of leisure. That had always been the plan.
And since Mum was settled, I had all the time in the world to obsess over Leanne.
She moved through the room, stopping to talk with James. She hadn’t seen me yet since I was skulking in the corner like an infatuated teenager. Unable to wait any longer, I made my way over, not so discreetly running my hand across her lower back.
“Hey,” I murmured in her ear.
James gave me a funny look, but I didn’t care. To be honest, I was pretty sure both he and Trev knew something was going on between Leanne and me, they just hadn’t said anything. I was so gone for her I couldn’t even censor myself anymore. People must’ve noticed how I looked at her.
Leanne cleared her throat, seeming uncomfortable with how forward I was being. I’d had a few beers, so it was kind of hard to hold back. All I wanted to do was touch her.
“I’m going to get a drink.” She stepped away from us and headed toward the kitchen.
I glanced at James, who gave me a look that managed to be both stoic and admonishing at the same time.
I lifted an eyebrow. “What?”
“Close your mouth, Cal. You’re drooling.”
“Piss off.”
“I’m not sure Leanne appreciates you feeling her up like that,” he went on.
I gave him a cocky smile. “For your information, Leanne appreciates the fuck out of me.”
He exhaled a heavy breath and shook his head. “Please don’t tell me you’re sleeping with her.”
I lifted my chin. “What if I am?”
“You’ll hurt her.”
“How do you know she won’t hurt me?”
Now James just looked cynical. “Have you ever had your heart broken?”
“There’s a first time for everything.”
“Leanne’s not one of your playthings, Cal. She’s our friend. You need to treat her with respect.”
“I don’t need to listen to this.” I moved to walk away.
James caught me by the arm. His expression pled with me not to be a dick. “Just be careful with her, okay? Leanne’s a good person. She doesn’t deserve to be screwed around with.”
All I did was nod in response. I found Leanne in the kitchen sipping a glass of wine and looking out the window. There was a bunch of other people there too, but I didn’t recognise any of them. Trev had a knack for announcing a party at the very last minute and having dozens of random people show up.
“You hiding?” I asked as I approached.
“Just checking out Trev’s view. This is a great spot.”
“Mine’s better. You should come over sometime.”
In spite of our secret shagging, Leanne had never been to my place and I’d not yet been to hers. Not for my want of trying. She was keen to keep things as impersonal as possible, which okay, frustrated the shit out of me.
She shot me a grin. “Nice try.”
“Would it really be so terrible if you stayed over at my place some night?”
“No, but that’s not what this is about.”
My jaw tightened because I got her insinuation. This was about sex and nothing else. At first, I’d been fine with that, but now I wanted more.
I gave a harsh laugh. “Do you know James just warned me not to screw you over?” Ironic that it will probably be the opposite.
Her eyes widened as she whisper-hissed, “How does James know about us?”
“Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I didn’t tell him. He’s a perceptive bloke. He put two and two together.”
“Shit,” Leanne swore quietly and knocked back a gulp of wine.