Ever since, she had been a morning person. Years of the same routine set her body clock to always wake by six, no matter what time she went to sleep. Sometimes the idea of all the freedom she now had was overwhelming. The ability to make her own decisions and not be reliant on anybody else at all was something she had dreamt of for so long. But now she had it, she was afraid of making a mistake. Nor could she shake the idea that everything she was doing was setting her on a course which she could neither predict nor control.
How much of that fear was to do with Leo, she couldn’t quite tell. But she knew he was playing his part, albeit inadvertently. Because nobody sets out to have such a profound impact on another’s life, do they?
Back in his room, she perched on the end of the bed, staring at his face that looked so much younger when he slept, despite the stubble dotted across his jaw. She peeled the duvet back a little, tracing her fingers down his spine and circling the mole on his right shoulder blade before bending to kiss it.
‘Morning, sleepyhead,’ she whispered against his neck, sneaking her hand around his waist and down. He rolled on to his back and blinked up at her as she straddled him.
‘I got you something.’ She pushed his hand away from her arse and reached under the bed for her overnight bag (which was fast becoming something of a permanent feature). Heaving it on to the duvet, she took out a present wrapped in a bright-red bow.
‘What is it?’ Leo asked as he sat up and Niamh shuffled out of the way. He turned the present over, giving it a little shake.
‘No, don’t.’ Niamh put her hand out to stop him from shaking the present again.
‘So it’s breakable?’ Leo bent his head and took a long sniff.
‘Would you just open it?’ It was infuriating, his need to try to guess what was inside.
‘Patience, patience,’ Leo said with a grin, knowing full well that she had so very little of it. If the roles were reversed, she would have torn into the wrapping paper the moment he handed it over.
Slowly and with deliberate care, he undid the bow then peeled off each piece of Sellotape in turn. Whenever she reached out a hand to try to speed up the process, he would stick his toes into her thigh or hold the present above his head. Before long, it turned into a wrestling match and Niamh found herself flat on her back with both arms pinned above her head.
The sight of her all flustered and annoyed was enough to make Leo completely forget about the unexpected present that was lying on the floor. She was addictively intense, or was it intensely addictive? Either way, he was suddenly overcome by the understanding that this was another of those moments he would remember for the rest of his life. It came out of nowhere, smacking him clean between the eyes, and the words spilt out before he had a chance to consider whether it was the right time.
‘I love you,’ he said as he sat back on his heels.
‘You do?’ Niamh pushed herself up on her elbows, not quite sure how to respond to the sight of him, stark-bollock naked and with a strange look of disbelief on his face.
‘I do.’ He was certain, even more so than the night he’d first laid eyes on her. It was a feeling bigger than anything else, even sex, which with her had become almost transcendent. The feeling of never quite being able to get close enough to someone was terrifying in its enormity, and he knew that by telling her how he felt, he was risking the best thing he’d ever had.
Did he mean it? Niamh thought to herself. The doubt was there, front and centre, forbidding her from actually drinking in his admission of love. Did she love him back? Surely she must, because how else to describe the raw need she had for him? How else to understand the way in which her body came alive whenever he kissed her?
She had spent so much time as a child either asking for forgiveness or worrying about all the ways in which it was possible for a person to commit a sin. It made her nervous and shy, unsure of the world around her. So she would hide in her room, lose herself in a book or music and block out all the reasons why she wasn’t enough. It became her way to forget, if only for an hour or two, that she had been so easily given up by the one person who was supposed to love her the most.
The end result, even after she had been adopted, was that she believed herself incapable of love, of being loved. Nobody had ever said those three words to her before, and so she had no idea what to do with them.
She wasn’t saying anything, just lying there with an unfamiliar expression on her face. He could almost see the cogs of her mind turning over all the possible things she could say.
What if she didn’t love him in return?
The idea that she had the power to take it all away, leave him empty and without purpose, made him wipe his hand over his face, then fall back down and kiss away her chance to reply.
‘It’s your turn.’
‘Hmm?’ Niamh said as her eyes came back to focus on her friend.
‘What’s with you today?’ Erika asked, leaning against the end of the pool table and peering at Niamh. ‘You’re being a total space cadet.’
Niamh smiled, not just at Erika’s use of a term she herself had introduced her to, but because of the reason she had been incapable of concentrating on anything at all since that morning. The memory of those words, not just the sound of Leo’s voice or the way he had looked at her when he’d said them, but the way in which they’d snuck inside her, almost like osmosis, feeding her soul and opening up another part of her that she didn’t even know existed. It was exhilarating, but also more than a little terrifying because Niamh had no idea whether she should have said them back straight away. She loved him. It wasn’t a conscious decision, or even something she had given much consideration to, but rather an understanding that was there as soon as she looked for it.
But it changed everything. Love as a concept, as an idea, was so unfathomable to her, but to have it take root in her body as well as her mind meant she had no idea what was supposed to happen next.
‘Nothing,’ she said, bending forward to take aim and then depositing the eight ball in the far corner pocket. ‘As you can see, I’m still perfectly capable of kicking your sweet little ass.’
‘Nice shot,’ Erika said, although Niamh knew she was annoyed at losing. ‘Another game?’
‘I guess,’ Niamh said, glancing at her watch.
‘Am I boring you?’ Erika asked. ‘Because if there’s somewhere else you’d rather be . . .?’ She left the question open, although really it was more of an accusation because Niamh had been spending so little time in her own bed, or with her friends, since meeting Leo. It stung, given how Erika had practically lived with Peter when they first got together, but Niamh had no desire to pick a fight with her best friend, least of all over a boy.
‘What? No. Just hungry,’ Niamh replied, looking over at the bar just as the pub door opened and a gaggle of glossy girls came in, teetering on heels and tossing their hair like thoroughbreds at a racecourse. ‘Can we go?’
‘You don’t have to be scared of them,’ Erika said as she grabbed Niamh’s hand and headed for the bar.
‘I’m not. It’s just . . .’ Niamh wasn’t sure what it was, other than the way girls like that made her feel inadequate.
The group that had just come in were no different to Octavia and her lackeys, all wearing skinny black jeans and tighter-than-tight t-shirts, the bags over their arms and the watches on their wrists all designer.
It reminded Niamh of what Erika had said to her at the careers fair, about learning to play the game in order to fit in, and once more Niamh couldn’t help but feel that she would always be left on the outside looking in.
How did you learn to be a certain way, and how much of it was simply a result of what you were born into? Was it absorbed by fashion symbiosis, or was it taught by a mother who never had a crease or stain on her clothes, let alone a chipped nail or lipstick on her teeth? It made Niamh want to go back and experience something of Leo’s childhood to see if he was the sort of boy who was ever allowed to get mud on his shorts or
leaves stuck in his hair.
The thought of him made her relax a little, so when the door opened again and he walked through, bringing with him a scattering of rain, she visibly flinched at the surprise.
‘What’s he doing here?’ Niamh said as they approached the bar.
‘Who?’ Erika replied, standing on tiptoe and scanning the room. Niamh did the same, searching for an escape route rather than a person. Glancing at Erika, then back to the door, she wondered what the likelihood was of her being able to get out of the pub without being seen by Leo, and also coming up with a valid reason that Erika would actually believe for so doing.
At some point, she was going to have to introduce them. Find the courage to actually do it, like ripping off a plaster and hoping the wound was healed. She just wished that she wasn’t best friends with the sort of girl everyone fell in love with.
‘Leo.’ Niamh pointed to the door. Both she and Erika watched as he cast his eye around the pub, not settling on them but instead on the girls who’d arrived moments before and were now sitting at a table by the window.
‘Oh, so he’s that Leo,’ Erika said, watching as he folded himself into the group, high-fiving a lad wearing a monogrammed shirt and kissing each of the girls on both cheeks.
‘What do you mean?’ Niamh asked, aware of how pinched the words felt in her throat. There was also a faint ringing in her ears and a certain sickness in her stomach as she saw how at ease Leo was with all those people she did not know, people he hadn’t mentioned he was meeting that evening.
It didn’t mean anything. Just because she told him every part of her day there was no need for him to do the same. And just because the only people she ever spent time with, other than her professors, were Erika and Duncan, it was silly for her to assume that he wouldn’t have a larger group of friends, friends he’d never introduced her to.
‘That one there,’ Erika said, leaning around the bar and pointing at the girl whose hand was resting on Leo’s shoulder. ‘Isabella Godfrey. I was unfortunate enough to be at school with her. Total airhead and world-class snob, but she always got what she wanted. Including your Leo.’
‘He’s not my Leo.’ Except he was. Or at least she thought he was. ‘When were they together?’ She didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to know anything about a girl who looked like she belonged in an ad campaign. She had no desire to know when she was a part of Leo’s life, especially as she seemed to suit it so much better than her.
‘Last year. I bumped into her at the PW Ball.’
‘The PW Ball?’ Niamh remembered seeing an invitation to this year’s event propped up on the mantelpiece in Leo’s room. It was printed on thick, white card with Leo’s name handwritten at the top. It was the sort of night that people talked about, mainly because unless you went to the right school, or moved in the right social circles, you didn’t stand a hope in hell of getting an invite. When she’d asked Leo if he was going, he’d simply shrugged and said he hadn’t decided. Niamh told herself it didn’t matter, that he was under no obligation to ask her to go with him, but part of her couldn’t help wondering if he hadn’t asked because he knew she wouldn’t fit in with everyone else.
‘You remember,’ Erika said as she signalled to the barman for two more drinks. ‘Duncan came with me because you said you had no desire for people to ask what you were doing over Easter, just so they could then better it.’
‘Right. Of course,’ Niamh replied as she closed her eyes and fought back the urge to cry. If she’d gone to the ball last year, would she have even met Leo? What did it matter, given he was there with someone else? It still hurt, though, because he’d taken Isabella but hadn’t thought to ask if Niamh wanted to go with him this time around.
‘Isabella took great delight in telling me how she’d landed a Bonfiglio,’ Erika said as she handed Niamh a drink, watching as she took several large swallows, put the glass down, then picked it up and took a couple more. ‘You OK?’
‘Great. Never better. What’s the big deal about Leo being a Bonfiglio?’
‘You don’t know? Of course you don’t know.’
‘Don’t patronise me.’ Niamh clenched her jaw as she saw Isabella toss back her glossy mane, laughing at something Leo had said.
‘I’m not. I mean, why would you know?’
‘Enlighten me.’
‘They’re like the rock stars of Oxford. Ridiculously good-looking with the pedigree to match. All the boys went to Harrow then came here, seducing everyone in sight before heading back to London to work for the family firm.’
‘Leo doesn’t want to be a lawyer.’ Niamh said the words, but she was no longer convinced by them. Leo had told her that the last thing he wanted was to spend another summer interning for his father. Instead, he’d told her all about an idea he had for a film, one that he wanted to make whilst travelling through Europe that summer.
‘Peter went to school with Leo,’ Erika said, crunching down on a piece of ice. ‘I met him once, last year.’
‘And?’ Niamh swallowed away the bile that was building at the base of her throat. Because of course Erika had a connection to Leo. Of course they moved in the same social circle, one which had a stricter entry policy than a private members’ club in London. What didn’t make sense though, was why Leo had never said anything. Erika was there the night Niamh had met him, they were sitting at the same table, so was it even possible that Leo hadn’t noticed? Why else wouldn’t he have told her he already knew her best friend?
Erika clicked her tongue against her teeth, clearly deciding what best to say. ‘I hear he’s very popular.’
‘So what you’re saying is how on earth did I manage to convince Leo to go out with someone like me?’
She could see the way Isabella was looking at him, like he was something delicious she couldn’t wait to eat. It made her feel jealous and confused, and also a little bit sick, because the idea of Leo kissing her, kissing anyone, made the whole room start to spin.
‘No, älskling,’ Erika replied with a slow, sympathetic smile. ‘I’m saying that you should be careful.’
‘Why?’
‘In my experience, boys that beautiful rarely stay faithful for long.’ She turned to whistle across at Leo’s table.
‘Erika, don’t,’ Niamh said, ducking behind her, then peering round to see Leo rise from the table and head in their direction.
‘Why not?’ Erika turned to look down at Niamh. ‘Why are you hiding? I thought you really liked him.’
‘That’s the point.’ Was she just another in a long line of conquests? Did Leo tell all the girls he slept with that he loved them? Because there were bound to be more ex-girlfriends hiding in the wings, all just as perfect as Isabella.
Leo nodded at Erika as he approached, then made as if to give Niamh a kiss, but she turned her head away. ‘I didn’t know you were going to be here.’
‘It’s a pub, Leo. Erika and I are allowed to be here.’
‘That’s not what I meant,’ he said, glancing at Erika then back at Niamh. ‘I just assumed you’d be in the Univ beer cellar.’
‘Well, you assumed wrong.’
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked, taking hold of her elbow and stepping closer. He saw her open her mouth, a mouth he so desperately wanted to kiss, but whatever it was she was about to say was interrupted by her friend.
‘I was just telling Niamh about Isabella,’ Erika said, slurping through her straw and watching Leo for his reaction. ‘Because I’m assuming you haven’t.’
‘Isabella?’ Leo said as his head whipped round to look back at the group of friends he’d come here to meet. ‘How do you know Isabella?’
‘We were at school together.’ Erika was smiling, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. They were level to one another, Erika’s heels putting her at the exact same height as him, which might have been unsettling for Leo but more than satisfactory for her.
‘But Niamh said you’re from Sweden.’ He shoved his hands in his pockets and
darted a look at Niamh. She was leaning against the bar, picking at the label on her bottle of beer and looking anywhere but at him.
‘She boarded at Marlborough for sixth form,’ Niamh said, although neither Leo nor Erika seemed to be listening to her.
‘You have something of a reputation,’ Erika said to Leo, raising her own drink in toast and inclining her head back towards Isabella.
‘So do you,’ Leo countered, looking Erika up and down. ‘Seen Peter recently?’
Niamh wished she could become invisible, or that there was something other than beer in her bottle and she could shrink like Alice and disappear through a tiny door that led to another world. She wanted to be anywhere but in that pub watching as Erika and Leo squared up to one another, staking their claim on her. But there was more to it than that, because it’s impossible for humans to ignore beauty. She’d read somewhere about tests carried out with babies where they got them to look at photographs of strangers and monitored how long their gaze rested on each one. Unsurprisingly, the beautiful people got more attention, which is exactly what always happened whenever she was with Erika.
It wasn’t just the beauty, though; it was the confidence that came with it. The way Erika wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. If it had been her, she would have gone straight up to Leo’s father and introduced herself, then proceeded to dazzle him with both her pedigree and her brilliance. She would never have been teased by the likes of Robin and Octavia, and she certainly wouldn’t have been too scared to introduce Leo to her friends.
Niamh tugged at the cuff of her sleeve, wishing she had chosen to wear something other than a bottle-green velvet dress with batwing sleeves. She was like the veritable sore thumb next to a group of coordinated sophistication and it made her fingers come up to fiddle with one of the gold hoops that hung from her ear.
The Love We Left Behind Page 16