“Kellen, where are you?” I mumbled.
I looked around at the walls of the stall, reading all of the nasty words that had been written and thinking that high school girls were probably the meanest creatures on the planet. That’s when my name popped out at me in the sea of scribbles.
Carson Reynolds is a whore.
I could feel tears stinging my eyes. I knew if I stayed there any longer then I’d start crying and on top of everything else that had happened today I really didn’t want to be that girl. The one that cried in a bathroom stall over something a mean girl said. I picked up my bag and decided I’d wait for Kellen outside.
When I opened the stall I was face-to-face with Bree.
“Carson,” she said, surprised. Then she saw the look on my face. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I was just…”
Bree looked at me and waited for me to finish, but I didn’t really know what to say.
“Sometimes I come in here to think before a game,” Bree said. Then she blushed, probably guessing that I didn’t want to talk about her playing basketball at the moment. It was still a pretty sore subject on a good day when I wasn’t coming out of a bathroom stall looking like an emotional wreck.
“Yeah, um, I’ll meet you in the library in a few minutes,” I said, remembering I had a tutoring session today. “I just have to meet Kellen outside real quick.”
“Okay,” Bree said as I walked towards the door. “Carson?”
“Yeah?”
“Kellen seems like a sweet guy.”
I tried to smile before opening the door and walking out. I wasn’t sure why Bree was trying to make me feel better, but it was the nicest anyone had acted towards me all day, so I tried not to overthink it too much.
The hallway was clear so I rushed towards the front door and shoved it open, wanting nothing more than to see Kellen and forget about the whole day. I wondered why he hadn’t texted me yet. I thought he would’ve been there by already. I was so lost in thought that I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention to where I was going until I walked right into the back of someone.
“Hey!”
“Oh, sorry,” I said as I moved to the side and tried to keep walking. A hand wrapped around my wrist though and spun me around.
“Well, look who it is,” Roxi Ray said, her mouth curling into an evil smile. “I’d heard you changed up your look today, but I knew it was something I’d have to see to believe.” She looked me up and down. “Ugh, I thought your outfits couldn’t get any worse.”
“Let go.” I tried to pull away but Roxi Ray’s grip was too strong.
“You can take off the raccoon makeup and the depressed-girl clothes, Carson, but you’ll always be trash,” she said.
“And you’ll always be a bitch. Now let me go.”
“Ooooh, someone’s not in a very good mood,” she said, putting her other hand to her heart and laughing. “You know it’s true, Carson. Once a whore, always a whore.”
I looked around and saw that I was completely surrounded by Roxi Ray’s friends. Her boyfriend was standing right behind her, looking way too comfortable for a guy that cheated on his girlfriend not too long ago. I glared at him. I couldn’t believe I ever slept with such a slimeball, but I was a different person then. I was desperate and lonely and empty, but I’d changed. Despite what Roxi Ray and everyone else in that fucking school said, I’d changed.
“Don’t call me that.”
“I call them like I see them, hun. Where are you running to, anyways?”
“None of your business.”
“Are you looking for that hottie of yours?” Roxi Ray’s eyes lit up viciously, like she knew something I didn’t. “Because I saw him about a minute ago.”
“What are you talking about?” I spit out. I wasn’t in the mood to play games with Roxi Ray.
“He was over by the buses,” she said, eyes sparkling. “And he wasn’t alone. Go see for yourself.”
Roxi Ray let go of my wrist and I shoved past her. She was lying. She was just trying to get a reaction out of me. Either that or this was all just part of some plan to make me look stupid. I’d walk over to the buses, find no one there, and then some idiot would jump out of the bushes and slam me in the face with some leftover hamburger surprise from lunch.
I walked down the front steps of the school, heading towards the sidewalk where the busses lined up. I started to take a right by the cement ledge that wrapped around the school’s pathetic front yard when I stopped dead in my tracks. Around the corner I saw Kellen. His back was facing me and he was hugging a girl. A girl with straight blonde hair that was wearing a flowered skirt and ballet flats. A girl that was the exact opposite of me.
I took a step back and leaned against the wall, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. I was a complete idiot. I should’ve known it was too good to be true, that a guy would never really like me – a girl with dyed hair, daddy issues, and who walked around with a storm cloud over her head. Not when he could have the physical embodiment of sunshine.
I thought I was going to be sick.
“Karma’s a bitch, isn’t she?”
I turned around and saw Roxi Ray standing there behind me. An evil smile was stretched across her face. She must’ve been absolutely loving this.
I ran past Roxi Ray, refusing to give her the satisfaction of watching me fall apart, but she called after me.
“You can’t keep stealing girls’ boyfriends and not pay for it!”
In some corner of my mind I wondered if maybe Roxi Ray knew that I’d hooked up with her boyfriend once and that was what this was all about, or maybe she was just speaking on behalf of all the girls at this school. I didn’t even care anymore. None of it really mattered.
I ran up the steps. People turned and watched as I went, but I blocked them all out. I ran into the building, not really sure where I was going. My mind was a blank whirlwind, so many thoughts rushing through, but when I tried to pick one out everything just evaporated. My feet carried me along the hall and I found myself staring through the glass door of the library.
Tutoring. Bree.
I’d completely forgotten about that. There was no way I could sit down and focus on math so I pushed open the door and walked over to the same table that Bree and I sat at last week.
“Carson, hey,” Bree said.
I didn’t sit down. “Something came up,” I said. “I can’t do tutoring today. I’m sorry.”
Bree frowned, but she didn’t look upset, just concerned.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just have to go,” I said, avoiding Bree’s eyes. I turned around and left the library before she could ask any more questions.
As I walked back down the hall I could feel the switch flip inside me, shutting down my emotions one by one. Everything went cold and I felt numb, but it was almost a reassuring feeling. At least it was better than the overload of emotions I was feeling a few minutes ago. It was lonely and hollow, but not unfamiliar. It was a safe place. This would keep me safe.
Maybe Roxi Ray was right. Maybe this was karma getting back at me. I could almost appreciate the irony of it all, now that I’d gotten to this void state. I’d spent so many years going after the bad guys, many of which were dressed as good guys. This time it had been someone else who’d come after me, someone who looked like a bad guy, but that I actually thought was a good guy. Turns out he was probably the worst of all. He was the only boy to actually break me. The only one to make me feel as disposable as when my father left.
Irony was a funny thing.
I got to the front doors and stopped, glancing out to make sure that Roxi Ray and her group of vultures had left. The coast was clear so I pushed through the doors and made my way outside. I headed towards the left side of the walkway this time, away from where I saw Kellen and that girl. He’d seemed pretty occupied, but I still didn’t want to chance him seeing me. I didn’t need to hear about how he met that girl and how she w
as perfect for him, how she was everything I wasn’t. That part was pretty clear. What wasn’t clear was how long he’d known the girl. Had he been seeing her this whole time? Was that really where he went when he said he was volunteering? And why did he meet up with her when he was supposed to be coming here to see me? Was this his way of getting rid of me? Was he hoping that I’d hear about him and the girl and he’d never have to talk to me again? Or did he think he could juggle both – see her and then come to meet me?
I could feel the switch start to flip back on and my pulse raced as the questions flooded my brain. I shook my head, took a deep breath, and slammed the switch back down. I instantly felt calmer. These were not questions that I needed answered. I just needed to go. I just wanted to go. I just wanted to leave and forget all about Kellen. He’d sure had no problem forgetting about me.
I rounded the corner and felt someone grab my hand from behind me. My first thought was that it was Roxi Ray and I had every intention of punching her in the face for touching me again. Not-so-Snow White wouldn’t look quite so fairytale friendly with a black eye. But then I realized the hand was larger and gentler than Roxi Ray’s had been.
“Carson, I’ve been looking for you.”
I stiffened at the sound of the voice. He could’ve used a black eye too. I kept my fist balled up at my side though and turned mechanically, coming face-to-face with Kellen.
He was smiling. Now I knew he never meant for me to find out about that girl. Clearly he’d been planning on continuing with his double life.
“I brought the sequel for you,” he said, holding up a book. He was still smiling.
I stared back at him blankly, watching as the smile faded from his face.
“Carson? Is something wrong?”
I didn’t say anything. Let him remember me as the silent girl with the glassy eyes. I hoped the image haunted him in his sleep.
“Carson? Did something happen?”
Did something happen? Was he really going to keep playing this game? Was he really going to pretend he wasn’t a lying jerk? Well guess what, buddy, game over.
“What’s the point of it?” I asked, more to myself than to him.
“The point of what?” Kellen looked concerned.
Good. I hoped he was squirming on the inside.
“Life. Everything,” I said almost robotically. “We get up each day. We replay the day before. We go to sleep. We wake up again. And then one day we die. What’s the point?”
“Carson, I – ”
“And how long is a person expected to do this?” I continued in that same empty tone. “To keep waking up to the same pain of the day before? How many days or months or years have to go by before it’s acceptable to say you don’t want to do it anymore?”
Kellen put his hands on my shoulders. I was staring through his chest but he tilted my head up so that I was looking into his eyes. I saw my vacant face reflected back to me in his pupils.
“Carson, what happened? Why are you talking like this?”
I looked down. Kellen was moving his hands down my arms, but I couldn’t even feel his touch anymore. I looked back up at him and something about the way his eyes were widening, like he was genuinely confused, made something in me snap. Maybe it was the switch. Maybe it had just completely shattered. Maybe it was my heart.
Kellen was still looking at me, searching my face for an explanation. I had to admit, he was a good actor. I could understand now how I’d fallen for it, which did make me feel a little better. I wasn’t really stupid, he was just a really good liar. Didn’t he get that it was over now though?
“How long did you think you could keep it up?” I asked, my eyes narrowing.
“Keep what up?”
“Was it fun for you? Let’s hang out with the sad girl from the shrink’s office. The sad, vulnerable, pathetic girl who doesn’t care. She’s a wreck anyways, so what does it matter?”
I was getting hysterical. Memories started to flash through my head, all jumbled up and out of order – Kellen and I sitting on the sidewalk when he told me about his dad. Kellen coming to my house and helping me clean the cut on my leg. Kellen and I in the waiting room when he told me I had beautiful eyes. Kellen bringing me to meet his mom. Kellen and I laying in the grass and watching the sunrise. Kellen telling me he was falling for me.
Kellen and I. Kellen. Kellen and I.
It was too much. My head hurt and all I wanted to do was scream. I liked it better when the switch was flipped and I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t feel the pain. I clutched the sides of my head but the images wouldn’t go away. Was any of it ever even real? Was any of it true?
“Carson,” Kellen touched my cheek and I flinched.
“I trusted you!” I yelled, backing away. All of a sudden I was filled with a rage so intense that I couldn’t hold it in. “I told you things I’ve never told anyone! I trusted you.”
I was crying, despite all of my efforts to hold it together, which made me even angrier. Why the hell was I crying when I was so incredibly mad? How could I feel so mad and hurt and sad at the same time? Thinking about all of this just made the tears come faster. I was crying and I couldn’t stop.
“Carson, what did I do?”
Kellen looked really worried now. He was probably afraid I’d do something stupid. The stupid girl that was having a stupid mental breakdown was going to do something stupid and it would get blamed on him. I realized now that he was the pathetic one. He was pathetic and a coward and I hated him.
I hated him, I hated him, I hated him.
But I didn’t, and that was the problem.
I wanted to slash the tires on his bike, but I also wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me this was just one big misunderstanding. I knew it wasn’t a misunderstanding though. I saw it with my own eyes, and so the fact that after all this I still wanted Kellen to tell me everything was okay just made me even angrier.
Everything was not okay. It never was.
“I saw you,” I said, tears dripping down my face. For the first time that day I was thankful I wasn’t wearing makeup. The only thing that could’ve made the whole scene even worse would’ve been mascara tracks running down my cheeks. “I saw you with that girl.”
I watched the realization dawn on Kellen’s face, which made it all even more real. It confirmed the whole thing. Kellen knew exactly what I was talking about and he wasn’t going to deny it.
“Carson, I can explain,” he said, reaching his hand out and stepping towards me, but I backed away again.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. As much as part of me had been hoping for this, wanting so desperately for him to explain it all away, I knew that couldn’t happen. It wouldn’t happen. “You can’t explain and I don’t want you to. It’s over, Kellen. It’s over.”
I wiped my eyes and turned, running towards the parking lot. A horn honked at me and I stopped short, narrowly missing being plowed down by a truck. The truck passed and I kept running. I could hear Kellen chasing after me, his shoes hitting the pavement as he ran. “Carson! Carson!”
I ignored him. I saw a car backing out one row over and I made a break for it, weaving through the vehicles. I made it to the car just as it was pulling out of the spot. I slammed my hands on the hood, completely out of breath.
“Jesus Christ,” the guy said, looking at me like I was crazy. His window was down and I could hear rap music playing on the radio. The sound was making my ears hurt. “Are you trying to kill yourself?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Can I get a ride?” I asked.
“Um, what? I, uh…:
“Please.”
The guy looked at me for a second before giving in. “What the hell. Sure. Go ahead and get in.”
I ran to the other side of the car and hopped in the passenger’s seat.
“Where do you want to go?” he asked.
I could see Kellen in the rearview mirror, moving through the cars and making his way over.
“Wherever you want
,” I said.
The guy sped out of the parking lot and I let the sound of the music drown everything out and take me away.
Maybe I would be the stupid girl that did something stupid.
Chapter 32
Destroying Myself
I tell myself I let you in
Because I trusted what you said
But maybe I really let you in
Because I didn’t trust what you said
Maybe I knew this would happen
Maybe I knew you would get bored
And leave me feeling disposable
And maybe that’s why I gave it a shot
It’s something I would do
Give myself a taste of happiness
Give myself a taste of life
Before dousing myself with gasoline
Before dousing myself with pain
Then lighting a match
And setting myself on fire
It’s a twisted thing
But it’s a thing I would do
I always seem to find new ways
To destroy myself
I guess I’m just that messed up
I was alive.
At first I wasn’t sure whether that was a fortunate or unfortunate thing, but after much deliberation I decided that it was kind of fortunate. I was alive.
I guess you could say that I was also pretty lucky, although that could’ve been up for debate as well. Now that I’d had a few days to think about it with a clear head though, I’d decided that I was kind of lucky too. I was kind of alive, kind of fortunate, and kind of lucky. Yep, that sounded about right.
The stunt I pulled in the school parking lot was not smart. It was crazy and reckless and dangerous and definitely something the old Carson would have done. I wasn’t the old Carson anymore though. That was one of the things I’d come to terms with over the past few days. Even though Kellen turned out to be a total dirtbag, he did help me realize that I deserved more than what the old Carson was going for. I guess my time with the dirtbag wasn’t totally useless after all.
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