I pulled up to the basketball court fifteen minutes later. Kellen hadn’t told Lena where he was going, but I’d known. My suspicions were confirmed when I looked across the court and saw two figures huddled by the bleachers, their backs to me. I could see that one of them was wearing a baseball cap.
I took a deep breath. My mom had told me to be careful. That was just silly mom talk though, right? There was nothing to worry about. This was just Kellen.
So why did my heart feel like it was going to explode all over my mom’s steering wheel?
Get a grip, Carson. Kellen needs you now.
That thought pushed me out of the car. I shut the door as quietly as I could and made my way to the bleachers, my legs wobbling slightly underneath the weight of what I was about to do.
“But you said you’d be able to get more,” Kellen said to the other boy.
“It’s not that easy,” he replied, his voice slurring a little. I looked down and saw a bottle of vodka on the bench beside him. In his hand was a brown paper bag. “Take it or leave it.”
That’s when I stepped in. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” I said. “What’s going on?”
The boys turned around so fast you would have sworn the actual cops had showed up. Apparently they’d been too consumed in their conversation to hear me walk up. Sleeping Beauty was so stunned he dropped the bag.
“I have a feeling this isn’t filled with chicken nuggets,” I said.
“I gotta go,” Sleeping Beauty mumbled. “See ya later, Kellen.”
Sleeping Beauty bolted faster than he’d ever run on the court.
“Let me guess,” I said, “you were trying to get Sleeping Beauty to see the error of his ways.”
Kellen tried to grab the bag out of my hands, but I pulled it away. “What are you doing here, Carson?”
“I think the better question is, what are you doing here?”
“Just talking to an old friend.”
“Oh, really?” I asked. “So what’s in this bag? Are you and Sleeping Beauty trading snacks?”
“Carson – ”
“Chips for peanut butter crackers?”
“Carson – ”
I dumped out the bag’s contents. A small plastic bag fell onto the grass.
“Huh, I guess I was wrong,” I said, snatching the bag up before Kellen had a chance to.
“Carson, give me the bag,” he said. I could tell he was trying really hard not to lose his temper.
“Is this candy?” I asked sarcastically, looking into the bag. There were four pills.
“Carson, give them to me!” he finally yelled, grabbing the bag from my hand.
“I hope you at least have the sense to not mix your pills with liquor,” I said, nodding at the bottle Sleeping Beauty had forgotten in his quick escape.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snapped. The rim of his baseball cap kept his eyes hidden from me.
“Really? Because it seems pretty obvious what’s going on,” I said, crossing my hands over my chest. “Sleeping Beauty, bag of pills, alcohol. My math skills need some work but I’m not an idiot, Kellen. And would you take that stupid hat off?”
I knocked the cap off of Kellen’s head before he could say anything. He looked up in surprise and I stepped back, equally shocked. The eyes I had grown to love, the ones that were like emeralds sparkling in the coal mine of my world, looked like strangers. Kellen’s pupils had shrunk from the last time I had seen him. They looked like they were going to be swallowed up by the green and the excited spark that always used to take my breath away was gone, replaced by a dullness I’d never seen before. There had never been anything dull about Kellen Jordan. Combined with the dark circles under his eyes, he looked like a different person. It hadn’t been that long since we’d hung out making blanket forts and ice cream sundaes, had it?
“What happened to you?” I asked. Not much scared me, but seeing Kellen like that – defeated and desperate – terrified me.
Kellen laughed humorously. The sound sent chills down my spine.
“Where do you want to start?” he said. “I found out my girlfriend was a liar and then my brother was killed. That seems like a lot for one weekend.”
I recoiled a little. The first part felt like a slap in the face.
“I didn’t mean to lie to you.”
“Right, because it’s really hard to confuse a living father for a dead one.”
“I tried to explain that to you.”
“Actually, you told me to leave. Kind of like I’m telling you now.”
I looked at him, really looked at him. I’d been wrong earlier. This wasn’t just Kellen I was dealing with. This was Kellen’s innermost demons trying to pull him back under. Somewhere in there was my Kellen though, and I didn’t know how I was going to get to him, but one thing was for damn sure: I was not leaving.
“I made a mistake,” I said.
“If that’s what you call a mistake,” he scoffed.
“I’m not talking about my father,” I said. “I’m talking about you and me. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I shouldn’t have said those things.”
“It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“My brother is dead, Carson. What don’t you understand about that?”
“And I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, Kellen. But do you think Tony would want to see you like this?”
“Don’t,” he said, his voice dropping but becoming sharper, more lethal. “Do not throw my brother in my face like that.”
“I wasn’t – ”
“Yes you were, but you don’t know what you’re talking about. You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about, Carson!”
Kellen turned and started to walk away, but I grabbed his arm and positioned myself in front of him. “Then talk to me! Help me understand!”
“Why? Why do you want to talk all of a sudden? You were perfectly okay not talking before,” he said.
“Because I was being an idiot before!” I shouted. “Kind of like how you are now.”
“Wow, is that supposed to make me want to open up? Someone needs to go back to therapy.”
Kellen moved around me, but I followed him. “You can be a jerk and get mad at me all you want,” I said. “But I’m not going anywhere.”
“Don’t you get it?” he said, spinning around. I almost walked right into him. His chest was inches from mine. “You can’t fix this… You can’t fix me.”
Kellen was breathing heavy, his eyes locked on mine. I looked into those whirlpools of green, searching for him, desperately seeking the boy that sat with me on the sidewalk and made me believe in hope. And that’s when I saw it, buried under the layers of anger and masked by the effects of the drugs: pain, sadness, unbelievable guilt. It was all right there. He was right there. I just needed him to trust me enough to let me in again.
“Of course I can’t,” I whispered. “No one can fix this for you, Kellen. I’m not trying to.”
“Then what are you trying to do?” His voice was still guarded, but there was something different in his tone, like he wasn’t quite so certain that I was the enemy. This was the moment that was going to make or break everything.
“I’m trying to help you heal yourself.”
“What?” Kellen’s eyes shifted, and I could see him trying to fight through the haze in his brain, trying to remember where he’d heard that before.
“Sometimes we need help saving ourselves. You taught me that, Kellen. You taught me what it meant to fight for someone, to show them that they were worth more than what they thought they deserved. You showed me how to love myself and how to love someone else.”
“Carson – ”
“And now it’s my turn,” I said. I had to keep going. I had to help Kellen break through that wall in his head. “It’s my turn to show you those things. Because I love you, Kellen. I love you with all my heart and I can’t stand here and watch you do this. I can’
t stand here and watch you destroy yourself over what happened. You mean too much to me.”
The expression on Kellen’s face had completely transformed. I watched as the hard shell around him melted off before my eyes.
“I… Did you just... I’m not…”
I could see him working it out in his head, trying to piece together what I’d said. But I didn’t want him to work it out. I wanted it to be spelled out. I wanted him to understand my feelings without a shadow of a doubt.
“I love you, Kellen Jordan. I should have told you that before. I should have told you everything before, but I was scared. I was scared that once you knew about my father, you wouldn’t want to be with me, because one day I’d turn into him. But I’m not him, Kellen, and I’m never going to be him. And you’re not your dad either. You’re not.”
Kellen shook his head. “Carson, you don’t understand,” he whispered. “I’ve done some bad stuff.”
I put my hands on either side of his face. “But you’re not a bad person,” I said. “Do you remember what you said to me when I said that sometimes bad things just happened?”
I could see him trying so hard to remember.
“You said that that’s when you had to fight like hell to make the situation better.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Well I do. Just like you knew that I could. You can fight this, Kellen. And I’m going to be right here with you.”
I pulled Kellen’s face down to mine as I stood on my tiptoes and an instant later our lips met. It was like electricity shot through my veins, lighting my body up. I kissed Kellen, trying to show him what simple words could not – that he was my person, that I loved him, and that I wanted to be with him. I put all of that into the kiss, trying to breathe life and love and hope into Kellen. Every nerve in my body was aware of him, excited by his closeness, but also nervous and waiting for his response.
It only took a few seconds for Kellen to kiss me back, and in that moment the world seemed to slide back into place. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself even closer, wanting to close the space that had been between us for so many weeks. I knew Kellen felt the same way. As our lips moved in perfect harmony he put his hands in my hair and just as I’d been breathing hope back into him, he was filling my lungs with a passion so intense that it made my head dizzy. I knew in that moment that his feelings for me hadn’t changed at all. He loved me as much as he had before, but I’d finally caught up.
A tiny voice in the back of my head told me that as much as I wanted to stay there all day with Kellen, there were some important things that had to be done, things that Kellen would have to do on his own. I ignored this voice for as long as I could, lost in the love and warmth of Kellen’s arms and the desire of his lips. Finally though, I pulled away. I looked up into Kellen’s eyes and even though they were still unbalanced, still too much and not enough, they were more alive than they had been moments before. He smiled down at me, but then his gaze shifted and the smile slowly vanished as he looked down at the ground.
For a second I was terrified. Was it not enough? Was my love not enough to help him through this?
No. I stopped myself. This was not my fight and it wasn’t up to me to be enough, just like it had never been up to Kellen to be enough for me. I wasn’t his medicine. I could be there for him, but ultimately if he was going to heal then he needed to want it bad enough. He was the one that had to be enough.
But then Kellen took my hand in his.
“I really fucked up,” he said.
I looked up, not knowing what to say, or if I should say anything at all. Kellen kept going though, so I didn’t have to.
“I feel like it’s all my fault,” he said. “I should have been paying more attention. I should have done something. I should have – ”
“Kellen, stop,” I said. “There was nothing you could have done. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
“I miss him.”
“Of course you do,” I said softly. “You’re going to miss him, but missing him and punishing yourself are two different things.”
For a minute neither of us said anything and I wondered where we were going to go from there. What was the next step?
“I’m sorry, Carson,” he said.
“What?”
I’d gone there feeling like I had so much to apologize for. The last thing I’d been expecting was to hear those words from him.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you and I’m sorry I froze you out and I’m just sorry for everything,” Kellen said. “You’d think after losing someone I would’ve held on tight to everyone else I loved but instead I pushed you guys away – you and my mom.”
“None of us are perfect, Kellen. All we can do is go from here.”
Kellen laughed a little. “The tables have definitely turned, huh? You’re sounding kind of like a fortune cookie today.”
“And you’ve been acting a little like a porcupine,” I said. “Way to steal my vibe.”
Kellen wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. I buried my face in his chest and breathed in, feeling lighter.
“I missed you, Carson,” he said, kissing the top of my head.
“I missed you too.”
“And I love you. I never stopped.”
I tilted my head up and Kellen’s lips were already there, waiting. I gave him a quick kiss before saying, “I love you too.”
It was the simplest thing in the world to say, because it was true.
“So,” I said, sighing. “What happens now?”
“Now,” he said, “I’m going to ask my patient and stunning girlfriend to give me a ride.”
“Patient? Wow, never thought I’d hear that one,” I said as we made our way back to my mom’s car, our fingers intertwined.
“No, what you’ll never hear is eco-friendly.”
“Um, honey, you can walk,” I said.
“That’s okay,” Kellen said, shaking his head. “I’m kind of excited to see what you’re like as a driver. Do you scream when people cut you off? Honk your horn when someone doesn’t go right away on green?”
“Actually, I tend to shove my passengers in the trunk when they don’t stop talking.”
“I bet you swear a lot,” he said, grinning.
“Is there a destination for this ride?” I asked, as we got to the driver’s side door. Kellen opened it and gestured for me to sit down. Now that was something I’d never had done for me before.
Kellen didn’t answer right away. He shut my door and made his way around to the passenger side. When he got in he took a deep breath. “I think it’s time to go back to the place where you get your shit together.”
Chapter 48
Goodbye
Dear Dad,
I don’t really know how to start this. I don’t even like starting it with “Dear Dad” because that sounds too familiar, like we know each other. Like we’re close.
We’re not close though. I’m not sure that we ever were and I spent a lot of time blaming myself for that. I thought it had to be because I wasn’t good enough. If I’d been good enough then you would have paid attention to me. You would have stayed.
I don’t think you really understand how much you hurt me. Even when you sat there drinking yourself away, all I wanted was for you to see me and love me and be my dad. I wanted you to go to my basketball games and cheer me on and be proud of me. I wanted you to care and you didn’t and that messed me up. I’m not going to sit here and blame you for all the things I did, because they were my choices, but I can say that I probably wouldn’t have done some of those things if you’d been a real father.
It wasn’t my fault that you left – I know that now. The truth is that you left your family and that’s on you. I don’t know why you did it and I honestly don’t care anymore. I stopped wanting a relationship with you a long time ago and you need to respect that. You chose to walk out then and I’m choosing to walk out now. The difference is that you don’
t depend on me the way that I depended on you. You’re the one that signed up to take care of me for eighteen years, not the other way around.
Soon I’ll be graduating high school. I’ll turn eighteen and most likely going to college. There was a time when I didn’t think these things would happen, but they are. They’re happening right now. I’m an adult now, Dad, and part of being an adult is getting to decide who you want in your life, who you want to be there to share those special moments and milestones with. I have those people with me already. You don’t get a special pass just because a piece of paper declares you to be my parent. That piece of paper doesn’t decide if you’re really a father and it doesn’t give you the right to demand respect and a relationship from a child that you abandoned.
I’m the one that gets to decide if I want you in my life and I don’t. I don’t want you to contact me again. I don’t want you to call or write back or anything. I wrote this letter because I needed to say these things. I needed you to know that you hurt me and you caused damage that doesn’t go away just because you decide it should. Maybe one day I’ll feel differently, but maybe I won’t. If I ever change my mind then it’ll be me that contacts you.
Goodbye.
Carson
“Carson, you ready to go?”
I glanced up from my letter and saw that Kellen had walked into the room.
“Almost,” I said. I looked down at the paper one more time before I folded it up and shoved it into the stamped envelope my mom had given me. I got up from the kitchen table and walked over to Kellen. He looked nervous, but his eyes were clear and alert, his pupils just the right size.
It had been two weeks since I found him at the basketball court with Sleeping Beauty. When we left he’d said he wanted to go straight to rehab, but I’d suggested that we make a stop at Dr. M’s office first. If someone had told me a few months ago that I would ever voluntarily go to my therapist for help, I would have said they were crazy. But Dr. M knew Kellen’s situation and she cared about him. I’d ended up calling Lena while Kellen was in with Dr. M and when she got there the three of them decided that it would be best for Kellen to check himself into a facility so that his body could safely detox from the painkillers Sleeping Beauty had been supplying him with.
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