by Jae
“Of course it did. I wanted to call you the minute it happened. Please believe me.” Her mother’s eyes swam in tears. “But your father was a proud man. He didn’t want you to see him like that—weak and helpless. Only when he was out of the hospital and had worked with his therapists for a while did he finally give in and allow me to call.”
His damn pride… Leo bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted the coppery tang of blood. “Allow you?” she forced out, her voice rough. She had always hated the way her mother went along with whatever her father wanted, as if she were unable to make her own decisions. When her father had told Leo he wouldn’t tolerate her “lifestyle,” her mother had just stood by. She struggled to tone down her anger. “What about what you wanted? Couldn’t you call me anyway?”
Her mother firmly shook her head. “No, Leontyne. I couldn’t, no matter how much I wanted to. If I didn’t respect his wishes in this one thing, he would have never forgiven me.” She wiped away her tears and looked at Leo, scrutinizing her so closely as if searching for answers in her very soul. “Will you?” she whispered.
Before Leo could grasp the meaning of her question, her mother continued hastily, as if she was afraid of what Leo would say. “I know your father and I…we weren’t always the best parents, but we were still your parents, and we loved you.” She choked back a sob. “I love you.”
Sudden tears burned in Leo’s eyes, and she wiped at them with jerky movements. Part of her wanted to hide behind that armor of resentment that had protected her so far. It would make going back to New York a lot easier. But the other part knew that she was ready for a new beginning. Why else would she have come home and hung around for four weeks, even though her mother and Holly had her father’s care well in hand and there wasn’t much for her to do?
Now she only had one parent left, and she would be damned if she destroyed what relationship they had by clinging to the same stupid pride her father had.
“I…I forgive you, and…and I love you too.” She had said it for her mother’s sake, but as soon as it was out, she realized that it was true and that saying it had a freeing effect on her too.
New tears streamed down her mother’s cheeks. Sobbing, she sank into Leo’s arms.
Leo held her, very awkwardly at first, but as the minutes ticked by, she relaxed a little.
“Thank you,” her mother whispered into her shoulder.
“It wasn’t all your fault, you know?” She could admit that to her mother and herself now.
Somehow, her mother managed to shake her head while still having her face pressed to Leo’s shoulder. “It was. I don’t blame you for leaving home as soon as you could. We were—”
“Shhh.” As good as it felt to hear those words, they wouldn’t help them move forward. “What’s done is done. Let’s focus on doing better in the future.”
Her mother moved back and blew her nose with a handkerchief that had the initials of Leo’s father. A ghost of a smile tugged on her lips, looking almost surreal on her tear-streaked face. “I’d love to think you got that maturity from me, but I think you came by it all on your own.”
Maturity? Leo nearly laughed. Hanging out at home for four weeks without talking to either of her parents didn’t seem very mature to her. “I think I inherited a few things from you and Dad too.” Not all of them good, but she’d need to work on that.
They sat in silence for a while, softly rocking back and forth on the porch swing.
“There’s one more thing I need to ask of you,” her mother said. “It would have meant so much to your father.”
Instantly, Leo tensed.
Her mother looked at her through watery eyes. “Would you give the eulogy?”
That was the last thing Leo had expected. Her stomach rose up in her throat. “Me?”
Her mother nodded.
“Why me?”
“You are his daughter.”
It was similar to what Holly had said to her last night, up on the roof, as if that simple statement said it all. But it wasn’t that easy for her. “I wouldn’t know what to say.”
Her mother patted her hand. “It’ll come to you. You write such beautiful lyrics. I know you’ll come up with something that’s just right.”
She knows my songs…and she thinks they’re beautiful? Leo gaped at her before remembering what they were talking about. Her mother might like some of her songs, but she didn’t know the whole truth—that she hadn’t written anything and certainly not anything beautiful in years. She opened her mouth to say so, then closed it again. This wasn’t the time to burden her mother with her career problems.
“Please,” her mother said. “I think this is important. Not just for your father, but for you too. It’ll give you a chance to reflect on his life and maybe get some closure.”
Acid roiled in her stomach. “I’ll think about it.” That was all she could promise for now, and her mother luckily didn’t press for more.
Holly’s red Jeep swung into the driveway.
Leo’s stomach stopped its theatrics and settled down…at least for the few seconds before Holly climbed out from behind the wheel, and then butterflies started to swarm.
Their gazes met across the driveway.
Leo wanted to run toward her and throw herself into Holly’s arms as if they had been through a decade-long exile instead of being apart for less than two hours. Ridiculous, she told herself. It was probably just one of the stages of grief that heightened her emotions. But whatever it was, she was damn glad to see her.
As Holly crossed the driveway toward the house, she immediately zeroed in on Leo. She looked emotionally drained, but her eyes were dry. Was that a good or a bad thing?
At the base of the three steps leading up to the house, Holly paused and looked up at mother and daughter, not wanting to interrupt if they were having a moment, finally talking.
Before she could say anything, Sharon gave her a shaky smile. “Hi, Holly. Thank you for going with Leontyne to the funeral home. I…” She dabbed her eyes. “I couldn’t.”
Holly climbed the three steps and gave her a smile. “You’re welcome. If you need anything, my family and I are always just a phone call away.”
Sharon nodded and got up. “Thank you. I’ll go make dinner.”
“You don’t need to do that,” Leo said. “The entire town brought over enough food to last us the rest of the year. And if you’re in the mood for something else, I can make it.”
Sharon patted her shoulder and moved past her. “I know, but it’ll give me something to do.” Instead of walking past Holly, she engulfed her in a hug. “I’m so glad you’re there for Leontyne,” she whispered.
Before Holly could think of an answer, the screen door closed behind her, leaving Holly and Leo alone.
“What was that about?” Leo tilted her head and nodded to where her mother had disappeared.
“She was just…thanking me.”
When Leo patted the now-empty space next to her, she took a seat. The porch swing was large enough for three, yet they both scooted toward the middle and sat with their bodies touching from their shoulders to their bare knees. Feeling Leo against her like this was incredibly nice. It could become an addiction, if she let it.
“How are you?” she asked quietly.
For a moment, Leo looked as if she would put her off with an “I’m okay,” but then she said instead, “My mother wants me to give the eulogy.”
Wow. Getting up there in front of half of the town when everything inside her was still so raw… Holly hadn’t been able to do that at her father’s funeral. She had left it to her brother Zack. “If you don’t want to do it, I could help you find someone else.”
Leo shifted even closer and used her feet to set the porch swing in motion as if she needed a few moments to think about it. “Thanks. But I think I’ll do it. My dad and I, we missed so
many moments we could have had together. I don’t want to look back and have even more regrets about something I didn’t do, just because I was afraid to put myself out there.”
Holly swallowed. She knew Leo was talking about her relationship with her father, but the words fit her and Leo too. Holly certainly had a lot of regrets, especially about hurting Leo. “That’s very brave.”
Leo turned her head and looked at her, those olive-green eyes turbulent and intense.
Was she thinking about the same thing?
“I’m sorry I wasn’t as brave,” Holly said quietly. “I wanted to believe in you…in us, and a part of me really does. It’s just…” She fell silent, unsure if this was really the time and place to bring it up. Leo had enough on her plate right now.
“I know I should focus on the funeral right now, but I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers if I don’t hold on to it.” Leo stopped and cleared her throat. “I think we will regret it too if we don’t give this…give us a try. I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want, and if you honestly think we’re better off as friends, I’ll have to accept that, but I’d really like to try because I think you’re wonderful and everything I want in a woman.”
Her words made Holly’s heart sing, but at the same time she couldn’t quite trust them yet. “Except for being asexual,” she murmured and stared off into space.
Leo gently touched her fingers to her cheek and directed Holly’s head around to look at her. “No,” she said forcefully. “That’s not what I said or what I thought. You’re great, just the way you are.”
“I know you believe that…at least for now.” Holly struggled to keep her voice from trembling. “But you’re a passionate woman, Leo. I hear it in your music and see it in everything you do. At some point, you’ll want more. You’ll want that passion with me, and I can’t give it, and then you’ll start to resent me, and that would break my heart.” She pressed her hand to her chest because she could already sense that pain, and now she had made herself even more vulnerable by speaking so openly.
“I’m not saying it will always be easy, but why would I resent you for something that is a part of you?”
“I…I don’t know, but that’s the way it’s always been.” All the bitterness and the hurt that had accumulated deep inside of her over the years chose that moment to rise up. “If I don’t put out—”
“Put out? Jesus, Holly!” Leo took both of her hands and clutched them almost painfully tight. “Listen to me. I’ll say this only once, and if you still think it’s not worth taking the risk, I’ll leave you be. Relationships are hard—not just for asexual people. I’ve never been able to make any of mine work. Want to know why?”
Her throat was choked with emotion, so Holly only nodded, clinging to Leo’s every word and to her hands.
“Once I became famous, women started flocking to me like moths to a flame,” Leo said. “They didn’t hesitate to jump into bed with me or even to move into my condo.”
A fierce stab went through Holly’s chest. Great. Now she could add jealousy to the chaotic mix of emotions swirling through her.
Leo stroked her hands as if she could sense it. “But not one of them could separate Leo from Jenna. They loved me for my fame, my money, my pop-star sex appeal, but not for who I am, deep inside. So, in a way, your sexual orientation is a good thing for me.” She paused as if contemplating what she had just said, then nodded in confirmation. “Your asexuality makes you see beyond all that surface stuff.”
Hope trickled through her. Did Leo really see her asexuality that way—as something positive? “Well, I happen to think that most of us aces are pretty awesome, but there are a few superficial, money-grubbing assholes among us too, you know?” She forced a smile, trying for a bit of levity because the emotions bouncing back and forth between them were almost too intense to stand.
“Yeah, but not you,” Leo said with unshakable conviction. “You appreciate me for me, not for my body or my fame. You see me.”
“I do,” Holly whispered. Jesus. They had kissed exactly twice, and yet here they were, sounding as if they were proposing marriage. It was crazy—and it felt completely right.
“I see you too. And I want to see more of you.” Leo gave a lopsided grin. “And that’s not an allusion to wanting to see you naked.” She sobered. “But if that’s not what you want…”
Holly sucked in a lungful of air. This was it. Either she had to follow Meg’s advice and put her heart on the line…or she had to let Leo go for good. Come on. Be brave. “I want it. I want us.”
A huge grin spread across Leo’s face, making her even more beautiful.
Holly was still afraid, mainly of not being enough for Leo, but that look on Leo’s face made it worth the risk.
“Oh God, Holly. Thank you.” Leo lifted one of Holly’s hands to her mouth and kissed her open palm while staring into her eyes. “C-can I…? Can I kiss you?”
Holly loved the way Leo had not just assumed it would be okay because they had agreed to try a relationship. Again, her voice deserted her, so she leaned toward Leo and kissed her instead.
Leo sighed against her lips. Her mouth was soft and warm and incredibly tender.
Holly sank into the kiss and forgot everything else for a while. It had been so long since she’d last been able to do that, just enjoy a kiss, without a part of her keeping watch for the moment she had to break it off before her partner would want more.
Leo’s hands didn’t start to wander. Instead, her fingers entwined with Holly’s own so Holly could fully relax into the kiss. God, she could kiss Leo forever.
The creaking of the screen door made them move apart.
Leo’s mother leaned in the doorway and looked back and forth between them. “Um, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…um…”
“It’s okay.” Holly tried to pull her hand from Leo’s grasp, but Leo wouldn’t let go. Apparently, she didn’t intend to hide their relationship from her mother. Not that that’s even possible, seeing as she just caught us kissing. Holly stifled a giggle that wanted to bubble from her chest. Was it wrong to feel so happy so soon after Gil’s death?
“I forgot to ask if you’d like to have dinner with us.” Sharon directed her words at Holly. “Are you staying the night again?”
Again… So Sharon knew that she hadn’t gone home last night. She didn’t seem upset about it. Did she assume Holly had slept in the guest room?
Holly turned her head to direct a questioning gaze at Leo. Did she want her to stay?
Leo gave her the same questioning look.
“I’d like that,” Holly said, more to Leo than to Sharon.
Judging by Leo’s smile, that was the answer she had hoped for.
“Good,” Sharon said. “I’m making tuna casserole, your favorite.” She ducked back inside, and the screen door banged shut behind her.
“I think she likes you better than me,” Leo murmured.
“Nah. So, what’s your favorite dinner food?”
“Not sure I have one. I’m more of a dessert kind of woman.”
“Really?”
Leo nodded. “Yeah. For example, I could really go for another kiss right now.”
“Hmm…” Holly pretended to think about it. “But if you get that kiss right now, before dinner, it isn’t dessert, is it?”
“Then I declare kisses my favorite dinner and tuna casserole my favorite dessert.” Leo gave her a dazzling smile. “Does that work?”
In the past, kissing and anything that might head into sexual territory had been a serious thing for her. Now she was surprised how much she enjoyed their playfulness. “We’ll make it work.” She hoped that would be true for so much more than just their dessert.
Then she stopped thinking and leaned toward Leo to enjoy her new favorite dinner.
The floorboards in the upstairs hall
creaked beneath Leo’s feet as she shifted her weight and watched her mother and Holly tightly embrace in front of her mom’s bedroom door.
Was it just her, or was this a little weird?
Fourteen years ago, her parents would have kicked any girlfriend she brought home out of the house—and Leo along with her. Hell, that was practically what they had done when they had found out she was gay. Now her mother was clinging to Holly, acting as if she were a beloved daughter-in-law.
Watching them together—watching Holly made her smile. Holly was so sweet, warm, and genuine, and Leo couldn’t help admiring her. At the same time, it made her a little jealous because her own interaction with her mother didn’t have that ease. There was too much history between them.
Finally, her mother let go of Holly and walked up to Leo. Grief and loneliness were reflected in her eyes.
She would have to climb into her cold, empty bed with only her memories to keep her company while Leo would get to cuddle up to Holly all night—that was, if Holly was okay with doing that again.
A wave of compassion overcame Leo, and it didn’t feel so awkward to wrap her arms around her mother and hold her close.
Her mother clung to her as if she never wanted to let go. Finally, she dropped her arms with an audible sigh.
“Are you sure you don’t want a sleeping pill?” Holly asked.
“I’m sure. I don’t want to rely on them too much.”
“Mom, I don’t think another night or two will hurt any,” Leo said.
Her mother shook her head. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine. I’m exhausted, so I’ll fall asleep eventually.”
Leo gave up. Apparently, she hadn’t inherited her stubbornness just from her father.
“If you change your mind, come get me any time.” Holly pointed at the door to Leo’s room.
So they would share a bed again. It was almost a bit silly how relieved Leo felt at that thought.
“I will.” Her mom kissed them both on the cheek and then went into her room. The door clicked shut behind her.