by Jae
She pressed both palms against the door and took several deep breaths. Yes, she decided. If that was what it took to build a life with Holly, she would learn to live without sex. There were other forms of intimacy and other expressions of love she could share with Holly, and when it came to orgasms, she could take care of that herself.
Yeah. Like, right now. She stripped off her T-shirt and bra and dropped them to the floor, followed by her shorts and underwear. It probably wouldn’t take much.
Holly stretched out on the bare mattress with a happy grin and folded her arms behind her head as she dreamily stared up at the sloped ceiling.
Kissing Leo and touching her lips to the soft skin of her neck had been so sensual, so intimate. She wanted…no, needed to be close to Leo.
But what about what Leo needs? The old surge of guilt coursed through her. She knew their make-out session had turned Leo on. The little gasps and moans that had escaped her and the way her body had trembled against Holly’s had made it pretty obvious. Holly wished so badly she could give her the experience of having her desire returned, but she couldn’t. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that she loved Leo in every way she could—and that her love was returned unconditionally.
Leo didn’t expect her to change or to have sex with her. Relief from those pressures emboldened her to contemplate doing things she had never expected she’d want to do for someone—including having sex. A part of her was even curious about what it would be like with Leo and about what new insights into her partner it would give her.
Maybe it would be different with Leo, just as their relationship so far had been different from Holly’s previous ones. With Leo, she might be able to experience sexual intimacy without being expected to feel things that were impossible for her or to change her very identity.
She glanced at the alarm clock on the bedside table. Leo had been in there for some time. Holly strained to make out what was going on behind the closed bathroom door, but the only thing she could hear from across the room was the patter of water.
“Leo?” she called. “You okay?”
If there was an answer, she couldn’t hear it through the closed door.
She got up from the bed, went to the door, and opened it a few inches without peeking inside. Just as she started to repeat her question, a strangled moan drifted over from the shower.
They both gasped.
Holly’s cheeks burned. Oh God. Is she…touching herself?
“Jesus, Holly! You can’t just barge in like this!”
“Sorry, sorry! I just… Sorry!” Hastily, Holly closed the door and backed away to the other side of the room. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Of course Leo would need to take care of herself after the kisses and caresses they had shared, but it hadn’t even crossed Holly’s mind. She shook her head at herself and started to pace.
Should she hide out in the kitchen until Leo had finished in the bathroom? More heat shot into her cheeks. Well, not finished, finished. At least she didn’t think Leo would be in the mood to continue masturbating after being caught.
Finally, she decided against fleeing downstairs. If she and Leo didn’t learn to be honest with each other about their needs and communicate openly, their relationship didn’t stand a chance.
After a few minutes, the bathroom door slowly crept open, and Leo peeked out, her cheeks flushed either from the hot water or from embarrassment.
Or because she just had an orgasm, Holly’s mind helpfully supplied. A part of her even felt a little curious about how Leo would look in the throes of passion.
Leo stepped into the bedroom. The clothes she had worn earlier stuck to her skin as if she had dressed hastily, without thoroughly drying herself off. She shuffled her bare feet.
“I’m sorry, Leo.” Holly was the first to break the silence. “I shouldn’t have barged in like that.”
Leo rubbed her neck, then looked up. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I was just embarrassed.”
“Embarrassed?” Holly echoed. Pushing away her own embarrassment, she marched over to Leo and took her hand. “Leo, you never made me feel like my sexual orientation is something to be ashamed of.”
“It’s not,” Leo said.
The fierceness in her tone made Holly love her even more.
“And neither is yours. I don’t want you to feel bad about being sexually attracted to me. You don’t have to hide it from me. It’s okay if kissing me, touching me…and being touched in return arouses you. It’s also okay if you want to do something about it. In fact…” She gave herself a mental nudge. Leo wouldn’t take the initiative; she knew that. She was too afraid to pressure Holly into something she didn’t want—and Holly did want it, even if it wasn’t the same way or for the same reasons Leo wanted it. Just bringing Leo pleasure would please her too. “I wouldn’t mind lending you a hand every now and then.”
Leo plopped down onto the bed as if her knees had given out. “No, Holly. I don’t expect that of you. I admit it’s not always easy knowing you don’t crave me the same way I desire you, but that’s my issue, not yours. Love and sex are two different things. I get that.”
“If lots of love would automatically mean lots of sex, you’d have to give up your career because I’d never let you out of this bed again.”
“My fans might complain, but I certainly wouldn’t.” Leo grinned but then added with a softer smile, “Not that I’m complaining about lots of cuddles either. You don’t need to prove anything to me.”
Holly sat next to her and again took her hand. She traced the heart line in Leo’s palm with her thumb. “I know. I’m not trying to prove anything. I just want to make you feel as happy and accepted as you make me feel, and that includes showing you that I know your sexual orientation is an important part of who you are.”
But Leo was still shaking her head. “You do. We don’t need sex for that.”
“Jeez, that’s a first.” Holly nudged her a little. “I never had to talk any of my partners into having sex.”
They laughed along with each other, and it eased the tension in the room considerably.
“See?” Leo said. “This is intimacy too. Sharing a moment like this. Laughing with each other. Talking.” She returned the tender caress of Holly’s palm. “Cuddling. Being intimate doesn’t require sex. I learned that from you.”
Holly’s heart seemed to expand in her chest. She blinked back tears. No one had ever gotten her and what was important to her like this. For the first time, she had hope that a relationship with someone who wasn’t asexual could work out.
“Really, Holly,” Leo continued, “I would be perfectly happy to…um, take care of myself.”
“Perfectly happy?” Holly arched her eyebrows.
“Okay, maybe not perfectly happy, but it would be okay.” Leo looked her in the eyes. “I don’t want you to have to lie back and think of England.”
Holly chuckled. “I’m American, not British.”
Not even a shadow of a smile ghosted across Leo’s features. Her gaze was intense. “Still, it would kill me to know you’re forcing yourself to do something you detest, just for my sake.”
“I told you sex isn’t like that for me. I don’t crave it, but under the right circumstances, my body likes it just fine.”
“You…you do?” Leo’s lashes fluttered rapidly. “Now I’m confused. I thought…”
The look of utter puzzlement on her face made Holly smile. “Human sexuality—or asexuality—is pretty complex. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone up here.” She tapped her own forehead. “But down there,” she waved at her lap, “my body works the same as yours. It doesn’t for all asexual people. Some never experience arousal, but others do have a libido. It’s just not directed at anyone.”
A line carved itself between Leo’s brows. “I’m not sure I understand.”
Holly leaned up and kissed t
he still-furrowed forehead. She had never talked about it in so much detail, so for a moment, she thought about the best way to explain. “Would you say you’re attracted to yourself?”
Leo chuckled nervously. “I know people think I’m a conceited superstar, but…no. That would be weird.”
“But when you touch yourself, you still get aroused, right?”
A lovely red color crept up Leo’s neck. “Uh, right.”
“Why?”
“Why?” Leo echoed.
“Yeah. If you’re not attracted to yourself, why would you get aroused?”
Leo rubbed her chin. “Because…because…I guess the physical stimulation just feels good.”
Holly nodded. “It’s the same for some asexual people.”
“Oh. Now I get it. I think. So you…? Do you…?” Leo flicked her gaze toward the bathroom. Then she covered her face with her free hand. “God! When I first found out about asexuality, I promised myself I wouldn’t ask such stupid stuff.”
Smiling, Holly drew Leo’s hand away from her face. “It’s okay. I’m not too happy when strangers think it’s perfectly fine to ask me that, but I don’t mind talking about it with you.” She tried to be matter-of-fact about it as she added, “The answer is yes. I do masturbate every now and then. It’s not even really a sexual thing for me.”
“Not sexual?” Leo scratched her head. “Far be it from me to tell you what you are and aren’t experiencing, but how can it not be sexual?”
“Earlier, when you were, um, in the shower…what were you thinking about?”
Leo’s cheeks flushed an even deeper red. “Are you sure you want to know?”
“Yes. Leo, I’m not some naive virgin.” Holly quirked a smile. “You don’t have to protect me from anything sexual. I’m fine talking about this.”
“Okay.” Leo swallowed audibly but then lifted her gaze to meet Holly’s. “You,” she said quietly. “I was thinking about you. About what it would feel like to have you touch me…all over.” Her naturally smoky voice went even more raspy on the last two words.
It was a strange experience to have the intense heat in Leo’s eyes directed at her. Somehow, it felt empowering and humbling at the same time. While she might not understand fully how it would be to desire someone so urgently, she vowed to never take advantage or make Leo feel bad about it.
She cleared her throat and forced her thoughts back into their original direction. “See, that’s the difference between you and me. When I masturbate, I don’t think about anything.”
Leo opened her eyes wide. “Nothing at all?”
“Well, sometimes, my thoughts wander, but not to anything sexual. I don’t fantasize about other people or picture myself in a sexual situation. Mostly, I think about how it feels. It’s just something that relaxes me after a stressful day and makes me feel good or helps me go to sleep more easily.”
“Ah. I get that. I think it’s the same for people who aren’t asexual. Sometimes, I masturbate for reasons other than the hottest woman on earth turning me on, you know?”
They smiled at each other.
Holly was so relieved that she felt like climbing up on the roof, spreading her arms wide, and shouting something Titanic-esque. It meant so much to her that they could talk about this and even joke about their differences a little.
“So are you trying to say that sex is a little like that for you too?” Leo asked.
Holly nodded. “If I can get into the right head space, it can be. I’ll never feel the urgent need to ravish you or be ravished by you, but I can still enjoy the sensations.”
Leo stretched out on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. “Too bad no one has invented something that allows us to inhabit each other’s brain for an hour. I’d love to experience making love in your special asexy way.”
She made it sound so positive that Holly had to blink back tears.
“Maybe it’s a good thing that we can’t,” Holly said. “Inhabiting your sexy brain would probably blow my fuses.”
Leo chuckled.
Holly kicked off her sneakers and curled her body around Leo’s on the bed. “But there are other ways to experience making love the asexy way.” She put her hand on Leo’s flat belly and looked into her eyes. “If you want.”
The muscles beneath her palm tensed and quivered. Leo covered Holly’s hand with her own, trapping it against her body and preventing her from moving it either higher or lower. “You really don’t have to—”
“I know. I want to. Do you?”
Leo’s pupils were so large that her eyes looked black rather than green. “Yes,” she whispered.
With one hand next to Leo on the bed, Holly leaned down to kiss her.
Before their lips could touch, Leo stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. “But not now.”
Holly stared at her. Leo’s belly muscles were tense beneath her hand; her cheeks were flushed and her pupils dilated. Why would she say she didn’t want it when her body obviously did?
“Not on a bare bed, with you still in your scrubs, while my mother could return at any time,” Leo added. “You said you needed to get into the right head space, right?”
Holly nodded.
“Then I don’t think a spontaneous quickie would work for you, and it’s not what I want for our first time either. I want it to be special—for both of us.”
For a moment, Holly thought she might cry. “Thank you,” she whispered.
Leo shook her head and reached up to tenderly stroke Holly’s cheek. “No need to thank me.”
This was almost too good to be true, but Holly tried to trust it. She cuddled up to Leo with a contented sigh.
“So…” Leo slid her fingers through Holly’s short hair and rubbed tender circles along her temples. “Want to keep talking about sex a little? I’d really like to find out more about how I can make sure it’s good for you.”
“If you tell me in return how to make you feel good too,” Holly said.
“I can sum that up in two sentences. I’m not a fan of S-M or anal sex, but pretty much everything else is fair game.”
Holly pressed a kiss to Leo’s lips but kept it chaste, not wanting to be a tease. “That was one sentence, not two. Tell me more.”
Leo hesitated.
“There’s no need to be embarrassed.” Holly stroked her cheek. “What is it? Bondage? Dirty talk? Role-playing?”
“No, nothing like that. I like to be seduced, maybe even teased a little. To let the anticipation build slowly until I can’t stand it any longer.” Leo’s face flushed, and a low moan escaped her as she obviously imagined a scenario like that. “God, that would be hot.” She searched Holly’s face. “Is that going to be a problem?”
“A problem? Heck, no! That’s the nicest part of sex for me, just being able to caress and kiss you all over, without immediately having to…you know. My past partners often got so frustrated when I wouldn’t…”
Leo kissed her softly. “I won’t. That’s half of the fun for me too.”
Oh, wow. Maybe they weren’t completely incompatible when it came to sex after all. “But you’ll have to tell me when you’ve had enough and need some…um, relief, because I won’t always know the right moment.”
“Don’t worry,” Leo said with a little laugh. “I will definitely let you know.” She continued to slide her fingers through Holly’s hair. “So, what else went wrong for you in the past? I don’t want to accidentally do something you’re not comfortable with.”
Holly mentally flipped through her inventory of unpleasant experiences. “One thing that never worked for me was when my partners initiated a back rub, cuddling, or kissing in the hopes that it would naturally escalate into sex. That never happens for me, so it always left them disappointed. If you want sex, it’s better to just ask for it.”
“Hmm.” Leo’s brow furrowed. “
I’m not sure I want to do that. Won’t it make you feel pressured?”
“I don’t think so. With you, I’m comfortable saying no…or maybe sometimes yes and no.”
Leo gave her a helpless look. “What do you mean?”
“Sometimes, I might be happy to touch you, but I might not always want to be touched…that way in return.”
Leo rolled over so they were side-by-side. “I admit that will be a little weird. I would feel like a selfish ass if I expected you to pleasure me without getting anything out of it.”
“Who says I’m not getting anything out of it? I’m in it for the intimacy, not the orgasm. But if you want to give me something in return, how about a nice massage or some cuddling? It could be part of foreplay for you and something to just enjoy for me.” She tilted her head. “Orgasm for you, cuddlegasm for me. Would that work for you?”
Leo’s eyes glazed over for a second at the mention of orgasm, making Holly laugh.
God, she’s cute. It was freeing to realize she didn’t feel threatened by Leo’s sexual desires at all.
“It’ll take some adjusting, but we’ll make it work,” Leo said. It sounded like a vow.
They hugged each other tightly in the middle of the bed.
Holly pressed her face to the warm cotton covering Leo’s shoulder, kissed the firm flesh beneath, and breathed in Leo’s scent.
Leo slid her hand beneath Holly’s scrub shirt and caressed her back in long strokes.
Holly melted against her. With Leo, she could relax and enjoy a caress like this fully, knowing it wouldn’t be turned into anything else. She wanted this moment to last forever.
But all too soon, a key jangled in the front door and steps sounded in the hall downstairs. “Leontyne? Holly?” Sharon’s voice drifted up to them. “Can someone come help me with the groceries?”
Leo groaned. “I’ll go help.” She powered herself up on one arm, ready to climb off the bed.
But Holly pulled her back for a moment. “Wait.”
Instantly, Leo sank back against her. “What is it?”
“I…” Unexpected tears burned in Holly’s eyes. “I just want to tell you how much I love you and how much it means to me that we could have this conversation.”