“This was a bad idea,” I say, staring at myself in the mirror.
“I’m liking this green one. Tell me what you think,” she says.
“Okay, give me a sec to get my clothes back on.”
“Don’t change, I want to see the dress,” she whines.
“I can’t, Holland. What kind of shoe would I wear? And my prosthesis will be out in the open for everyone to see,” I say. I usually wear full length pants, socks, and shoes. It does a good job of camouflaging.
“What do you care what everyone thinks? You’re hot. Wolfe thinks you’re hot. Screw everyone else,” she states.
It takes me a minute to process her words. I think back to the first time Wolfe and I hooked up, the first time we got naked, the first time we had sex. My prosthesis was never really an issue to him. He didn’t see it. He saw me. But not everyone will be like him. Should I care what people think? I’ve spent the last three years of my life living like a ghost because I was scared of people’s reactions.
“Rebel?”
“I need another minute,” I answer.
What did I achieve by hiding out? Nothing. I was living life behind the scenes. Quiet. Careful. Now, Wolfe has turned my life upside down in the best way possible. I’m falling hard for him. Hell, I already know I love him, and where will that leave me when all is said and done? With a crushed heart. He’ll enter the draft, play for the NHL, and probably live somewhere on the other side of the country and I’ll never see him again. But a quiet voice inside me whispers being with him has impacted me more than that. Don’t ignore it. Own it.
“Rebel?” Holland asks again. “You plan on coming out?”
“I’m getting there. Just need a few more,” I answer.
I hear Holland blow out a harsh breath and I go back into my head. My self-confidence has improved and I have Wolfe to thank for that, but I also have myself to thank too. Taking a risk with him wasn’t easy. However he managed to slither into my heart, it means I was willing and open for it to happen. I allowed myself to feel. To live. And, dammit, this dress looks good on me. If people at that party want to focus on my prosthesis, then it’s their problem, not mine.
Something inside me releases when I open the dressing room door. Showing my leg to Holland is easy. She’s been there for me every step of the way, but me putting myself out there, exposed and raw, is new. Hard, yes, but liberating too.
“You look hot,” she says, looking me over from head to toe.
“Thanks. You do too.”
Then she frowns and pulls me into a hug. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I laugh nervously.
“No, I mean it. You’re my hero,” she says, because she gets me. Holland is my person. She knows how hard this is for me.
“Thanks for saying that. You should have heard the pep talk I just gave myself to get myself out here.” I laugh sadly.
“I can’t imagine, but you’re amazing and beautiful.”
Tears prick my eyes. She pulls away and turns me to the mirror in front of us.
“We are going to rock that frat party.” Her lips tip up in a devilish smile
“You know I’m not into drinking,” I remind her.
She shrugs. “Still, we both look pretty damn hot.”
“We do,” I agree. “I’m just wondering what kind of pep talk I’ll have to give myself to walk into the party if it was this hard to leave the dressing room.”
“Baby steps,” Holland says, and she gives my hand a squeeze.
Twenty-Nine
Wolfe
“Are we walking there?” I ask Cole and Dec.
“Fuck no. Call an Uber. It’s blowing snow,” Cole says, as if I hadn’t noticed the snow storm brewing.
Dec sits on the couch with a bottle of cheap whiskey and three shot glasses in front of him. “Come take a shot. It’ll warm you up, then we can walk,” he says, since he is more budget minded than Cole.
“I’ll pass,” I say.
“Fuck. Don’t be a party pooper already. We haven’t even left the house yet,” Cole complains.
“Fine.” I walk over to the couch and take a seat. “Thanks for the peer pressure.”
Dec fills the three shot glasses. He must be tipsy already because whiskey spills all over the table. “You’re cleaning your act up after tonight,” I remind him.
“Scout’s honor,” he says and gives me a scout salute.
“Remind me when you were a scout,” I say, lifting a shot glass.
“He wasn’t,” Cole says, lifting his glass. “To good friends and good times.”
“I’ll drink to that.” I clink my shot glass with theirs and then we all throw the shots back. It burns going down, but I can’t help keeping an eye on Dec. Something is eating at him and he won’t say what. I’ll have to make a point to get to the bottom of it.
We get our jackets and head out. The streets are pretty quiet. I messaged Rebel earlier and she said she and Holland went into Boston for the day. We were supposed to connect a little earlier, but she didn’t answer my last text. I figure she got delayed in Boston. Last night replays in my head. I had gone over to tell her the truth. To reveal secrets that keep me up at night and are eating away at me little by little, but my fear of losing her won out. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t fall for girls. I don’t sleep with the same girl twice. I don’t even recognize myself.
We head down the dark streets toward Greek Row. The air is cold enough that I see my own breath as snow whips around us. The guys are pumped about letting loose tonight. Most of the team is coming. I’m just not in a party mood. I haven’t been in a while. Caitlyn comes to mind. She sits at home day in and day out in that chair. Going to a party and having fun feels wrong. Besides, what would Rebel think if she knew my sister wasn’t only an amputee but was in a wheelchair? How can I tell her that news without her thinking I’m somehow interested in her because of her disability? Everything feels messed up in my head.
As we reach Greek Row, music pounds out of the frat house and all I can think is I’m past this. Fucking great. I need to stay for the guys.
When we get to the front of the property, I see the football team are already here, standing in front of a bonfire, throwing snowballs at each other. The quarterback Matthew Sandin sees me and gives me a fist bump. He’s a cool guy who has a good head on his shoulders. “Hey, man. Heard you guys have your championships coming up. Good luck.”
“Thanks. Not yet. Big game Monday. If I have anything to say about it, we plan on creaming them,” I say.
“We’re rooting for you,” he says with his southern accent.
“Thanks. I’m guessing you guys have a long way until championships.”
“We do.” He nods.
“I’ll catch you later,” I say and head inside. Cole and Dec have already made their way inside. The house is steamy. The music is loud and people are already drunk off their asses. I make my way through the crowd and say my hellos. As captain of the hockey team, most people know me and I like to come across as friendly, especially to fans. Even if I hate the attention. It’s part of my job. We need our stadiums full and tickets sold, and I play a role in that.
“Hey, Wolfe,” Tiffany says, coming up to me with a wide smile and a swaying body. She holds a red Solo cup in her hand. It matches her tight little dress.
“Hi, Tiffany,” I say coolly.
She moves in close to me. “I was hoping you’d be here tonight.”
Great. How do I respond to that?
“Thanks?” I say.
“Come on, let’s get you something to drink.” She grabs my arm and pulls me toward the main room.
“I’m good. Thanks.”
She releases me and frowns.
I spot some guys from the team. “Sorry. The guys are here and we plan on partying together. Excuse me,” I say politely. She’s giving off strong flirty vibes again and I just don’t understand her. I’ve rejected her advances repeatedly, and she just fucked Col
e. Besides the fact that she must have an idea that Rebel and I are a thing.
“Yeah, yeah, sure. Catch you later,” she says, her words a little slurred.
I nod and head over to the guys who are playing beer pong on a table. I fist bump Bozeman and Sutter. Ryse is up on the beer pong while Baynard and Thompson cheer him on. The guys are all relaxed and having fun. It’s nice that we get along so well off the ice because it makes for good chemistry on the ice. Even Bozeman and I seem to be doing better lately. We play for a while until someone has the bright idea to hang upside while siphoning beer from the keg. I get in on that too. The bunnies hang close, like they usually do, but I don’t pay them any attention. I gaze around the room and think I see Rebel, but that can’t be right because this isn’t her scene. I rub my eyes and see her and Holland. She is here.
I walk over to her. “Rebel, you’re here.”
“Hi.” She smiles and that familiar blush crawls up her pale skin. Why is this girl so beautiful and sweet? “I saw you with the guys, but I didn’t want to intrude.”
“We were just playing some games,” I say. I’m at the point that I am drunk enough that my voice sounds weird to me, or maybe it’s that we have to shout over the music and other voices.
“Holland convinced me to come,” she says. “It’s not really my scene.”
My eyes roam over her body. She’s wearing a tight-fitting dress that hugs her tits and stops in the middle of her thighs. She looks hot as hell. My gaze drops to her prosthesis for the briefest of moments, then moves back up her body and lands on her face. Fuck, I want her. I realize she’s wearing something that doesn’t cover her prosthesis. My mind is moving slow, but inside I feel proud. She’s owning it. I look over to Holland who is engaging in some dirty dancing with Sandin.
Jason Hyman from the football team walks up to Rebel. “Hey, do you want to dance?” he asks her. What am I invisible?
He gives me a fist bump.
I bump him back, but what the hell?
“Oh, uh…” Rebel looks back at me like she’s waiting for something.
My brain enters a fog.
She looks at Jason, shrugs her shoulder, and says sure. They walk over to the makeshift dance floor and begin to dance. To his credit, he isn’t handsy. I can’t be mad at her for just dancing with a guy. And if I wanted to stop them, I should have claimed her, right? I don’t even know what to think.
Cole comes over to me and claps me on the back. “What’s up?”
“I don’t know,” I say feeling spacey. My gaze stays glued on Rebel dancing with Jason.
Cole looks at me, then turns to watch Jason and Rebel. “Holy fuck, she’s hot.”
I punch him in the shoulder. “What the fuck, asshole?”
“I wasn’t talking about Rebel. I was looking at that best friend of hers. What was her name? That waitress from the Firken. She’s feisty, man…” He blabbers on, but I don’t even have the bandwidth to focus on what he’s saying because Jason leans into Rebel’s ear and whispers something and then my girl laughs. This isn’t right. I need to make her mine. She hasn’t asked for a commitment, but it feels like we are at a point that she would want it, and I only think that because I want it.
“The friend looks like she’s having a good time with Sandin. You’re too late,” I finally say to Cole.
“Fuck,” he jeers and then my best friend is eyeing me again. “Just go over there and tell her you want to dance with her,” he says, like he can read my mind.
“I told her I can’t commit. It isn’t fair of me to do that.” I gaze at her longingly.
“You’re so fucking dense, you know that?”
“Thanks.” I sigh.
“No, seriously. You spend all of your free time with her. You’ve tapped that more than once,” he says.
I lift up my finger. “Watch your mouth.”
“Exactly my point. You really like her. Just own it.” He claps me on the shoulder.
Fuck, he is so right. I don’t just like her. I’m in love with her.
I look over at Cole. Tiffany walks over to us and I walk away, leaving her with Cole.
I head to the kitchen to take a breather. I’m leaning over the counter when I feel a soft touch on my shoulder.
“You good?” It’s Rebel.
I turn around and take in her bow-shaped lips, and when I look her in the eyes, I’m a goner. “I didn’t like you dancing with Jason.”
“Why’s that?” she asks, playing coy.
“Because I want you. It should be me and you dancing out there. I know I said I’m not into relationships, but I like what’s happening between us and I want more of it,” I declare. I know I’m borderline drunk, and I don’t know if I’m making perfect sense, but I go with my gut.
“I like what’s happening between us too,” Rebel admits, and her words cause the tension inside me to unravel. She moves into me and wraps her arms around me. I hold her in my arms and take in the floral scent of her hair and I just enjoy her body molding to mine. If we’re going to do this, I need to tell her about Cait. I can’t have her find out any other way.
“OMG!” A girl’s voice pulls me from my thoughts as I work up the courage to tell Rebel about Cait and the accident. I refocus on the kitchen entrance to see Tiffany. Mouth agape with an odd sneer on her face. “Seriously?” she asks incredulously.
She’s so trashed she isn’t making sense, or maybe it’s me whose head is all fogged up.
“What do you want?” I ask, a little annoyed that she’s intruded on my moment with Rebel. This chick needs to take a hint.
“Cole told me the truth, Wolfe. Rebel should know the truth too. It’s really sick that you are stringing her along this way,” Tiffany continues.
Rebel steps away from me and I take a step toward Tiffany.
“I don’t know what you think you know, but you need to turn around and walk out of this kitchen,” I say to Tiffany, pointing a finger at her. My blood is pumping hard as I sense impending doom; at least the doom of my relationship with Rebel.
“Rebel is my friend,” Tiffany answers.
Cole walks into the kitchen and must sense the tension. “Everything cool?” he asks Tiffany, then he looks at me.
“No, get this mess out of here,” I say to him.
“Fuck you.” Tiffany sneers.
She shoves Cole’s hand away from her waist.
“Wolfe is professing his feelings for Rebel. He’s making her believe he wants her when we both know it’s not the case,” Tiffany says.
Fuck me.
I watch my best friend’s face pale and I feel my heartbeat speed up. “Get her the fuck out of here,” I say to Cole. I don’t know what he told this girl, but I seriously want to pound him right now.
Rebel takes a step forward. “I want to hear what Tiffany has to say. I can’t figure out if she’s just a jealous, blubbering drunk or if there’s more.”
Rebel’s words are a hit to Tiffany and well-deserved after all her jabs at Rebel. I have a good feeling what Tiffany wants to reveal. I just don’t know how to get her to shut the fuck up or confess myself before she does me in because my brain is so foggy.
“We should leave. I have to talk to you in private,” I say to Rebel, but I feel her anxiety vibrating through her and know she isn’t coming with me anywhere.
“Talk, Tiffany,” Rebel orders, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
Tiffany’s red lips curl up. “Good. You should know that Wolfe only spoke to you because he was curious about your disability. He caused his family’s car to crash a few years ago and the accident left his sister crippled. That’s why he’s an asshole to everyone. He blames himself and he’s bitter. Cole said that you made him curious. He thought he could use you to help him find a way of getting through to his sister,” Tiffany says, and I watch as Rebel’s eyes fill with tears.
“What the hell is going on here?” Holland comes through the kitchen like a whirlwind and is by Rebel’s side like a force of nature.
My gut sinks. I look at Cole and wonder how he could betray me by telling Tiffany, of all people, but those feelings don’t last long because I see Rebel in pain and my heart shatters.
“It’s not like that,” I say to her. “Don’t listen to her. She wants me and I didn’t want her. She’s just jealous.”
“Really?” Rebel asks. “So your sister doesn’t have a disability that you caused? It’s not what drew you to me in the first place?”
I dig the palms of my hands into my eyes. “I wanted to tell you last night. It’s not all true,” I begin to say, but before I can continue, Holland wraps her arm around Rebel.
“We should leave,” Holland says to Rebel.
Rebel nods and they head out together.
“What the fuck, Cole?” I say to my best friend.
“Dude, I was pissed drunk. I don’t even remember half of what I said to her. She was asking me all kinds of questions. Mostly about you. I didn’t realize,” he says apologetically.
I can’t even blame him.
“Go after her,” he says to me.
“I can’t. You saw the way she looked at me like I disgust her.” And I can’t blame Rebel, because most of the time, I disgust myself too.
“Dude, you aren’t to blame for Cait. Your dad was messed up for putting that on you.”
“No, he wasn’t. It’s the one thing he got right,” I say and I head back out to the main room to grab my jacket and then I leave. A part of me wants to go after Rebel, but another part of me knows that I just lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Thirty
Rebel
“I should’ve seen this coming,” I say as I pace Holland’s bedroom. I wanted to go home after the party, but she brought up the fact that Wolfe may try to go to my house and explain himself, and I don’t want to ever see him again.
“How could you?” Holland asks. She walks into her bathroom, which is attached to her bedroom. The door is left open as she takes a wipe and removes her eye makeup. “I honestly thought he’d changed. That he was a good guy.”
Heartless Player: A College Hockey Romance : (Westfall U Series) Page 19