My father watches me, and I don’t know what crosses over his face, but if I’m not mistaken, he looks flustered.
“You made your bed, old man. Now you have to sleep in it. You were never there for us, so don’t expect us to ever be there for you,” I say, and with that I walk away.
“See you Monday, Cait,” I call over my shoulder as I walk to my car.
I get in the car and start the engine. My blood is pumping hard. I’ve never spoken to my father that way before. In the past, I would let him put me down and I’d take it. I would allow his words to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit, but not anymore. Not after I’ve seen the way Rebel stands up for herself and those she loves. She’s taught me that I can’t bow down. My father needs to know he’s fucked up. He needs to take responsibility for our broken family because he’s played his part. As much as my nerves are on edge, I also feel a freedom I haven’t felt in a while.
Things are going good for my sister. She’s made big decisions and has come a long way. I know I have to forgive myself for my part in the accident. I never meant to distract my father or hurt my sister. What happened was a tragic accident, and if my father never sees that, it doesn’t matter because I am nothing like him. I want to own up to my mistakes. I want to be there for the ones I love. I want them to know that they can lean on me. But most of all, I need Rebel to know how much she’s changed my life for the better, and really, I just want her to know how much I love her.
Thirty-Two
Rebel
The weekend went by too quickly and now I’m in Blossom’s car getting dropped off at the school gym. “Do I have to go in?” I ask, frowning at my sister.
“Come on. You’re a badass. A silly hockey player isn’t a big deal for you,” Blossom says.
“He’s a liar and he hasn’t even tried to call me. What does that say about him? I was so invested in us and he doesn’t even think I deserve an explanation.”
“Or”—Blossom looks at me, accentuating the one syllable word—“he’s so broken up he doesn’t know what to do. I saw the way Wolfe looked at you, Rebel. He was invested. I know you told me not to look him up online. But he’s the freaking governor’s son.” She looks at me wide-eyed.
“Seriously? Blossom, I told you because I was upset. I begged you that if you looked him up, you wouldn’t tell me.”
“But maybe you should know. What does it matter anyway? Like you said, he hasn’t been in touch. You guys are over, but don’t tell me you aren’t curious,” she goads.
“I’m crazy curious,” I admit.
“He grew up in the news. Before his father was governor, he was the mayor. Wolfe has had to put on a show his whole life, and politicians aren’t exactly known for their honesty. Maybe that’s what he saw growing up and that’s what he’s emulating.”
“You sound like a therapist.” I roll my eyes at her.
She laughs. “I’ve been reading a couple psychology books. Can’t exactly afford a therapist, so I figured I’d give the books a try, and it’s been seriously eye-opening. Have you heard of cognitive behavioral therapy?” she asks me with excitement.
“I have,” I admit.
“Then you know you can’t go and guess how other people view you. Maybe you should call him out if he isn’t strong enough to face you.”
“I don’t think so,” I say.
“Well, there is no way on earth you are crawling back into your hole and becoming invisible again.” Her tone carries concern and warning.
“That’s me, your friendly neighborhood groundhog. I poke my head out once a year and then crawl back inside,” I say, my tone dripping sarcasm.
“Rebel,” Blossom chides. “Don’t even joke about it.”
My fake smile falls. “I won’t. I don’t think I can anyway. I wasn’t happy living in the shadows,” I admit, and my heart hurts as I think of Wolfe. It was his interest in me that lured me out of my darkness. And Blossom is right, maybe he’s hurting or confused. I shouldn’t just automatically write him off, even though my protective mechanisms want me to do just that. I look at my sister and grab my backpack and gym bag. “Wish me luck,” I say as I open the car door.
“You got this, Rebel. You don’t need luck.” Her words follow me as I leave the car and head into the gym.
OMG. I definitely need luck. This is terrible. Wolfe is working out. He’s back to his full workouts and he looks amazing with sweat dripping off him in rivulets. I don’t want to drool, but his arms alone are serious eye candy. I can’t even let my eyes roam down his body because the way he looks in those basketball shorts is sinful. I watch as he uses his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face, revealing his delicious abs. Every part of my body calls to him, but it isn’t enough. What we had couldn’t have been real. At least, thinking that makes it a little easier.
I’m helping a player named Chad Baynard when Tiffany walks over to me.
“Can I help you?” I ask her.
“I was hoping we could talk,” she says, and Chad checks her out in her little pink sport bra and perfect graphite Lululemon crops.
She cuts him a quick smile and turns her attention back on me. “I’m kind of busy here,” I reply, because I am counting reps with Chad.
“This will only take a second,” she says quietly and she rubs her left arm with her right hand. For some reason, bitchy confident Tiffany isn’t coming across that way right now.
“Okay, what?” I ask. I quickly turn to Chad and tell him to keep it up and count on his own as he continues his squats.
“I’m really sorry about the other night,” she begins, when Wolfe walks over.
“Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage?” he snaps at her. “Leave Rebel alone.”
Anger burns inside me at the gall this guy has. “I don’t need you to defend me. I’m a big girl and can do that on my own,” I bite back at him, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me, because being this close to him is harder than I thought.
“I just wanted to apologize,” Tiffany says to him.
I would think he’d walk away, but he doesn’t.
“Do you mind?” Tiffany asks him.
He crosses his arms in front of his chest and says, “Actually, I do.”
Tiffany blows out a breath and her gaze flicks to the ceiling before she looks at me. “I am so sorry, Rebel. I wanted this jerk so badly that I was willing to go to any lengths to get him. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s because my ego was hurt when he rejected me, and I know that isn’t a good excuse. What I did was terrible. I swear, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me or why I’m so cruel,” Tiffany explains, and her eyes fill with tears that don’t fall. “Anyway, I just want you to know that I know what I did was malicious and I was jealous that you got Wolfe to commit to you when I couldn’t.”
“You hurt me and embarrassed me in front of a large group of people,” I say to Tiffany. “That wasn’t cool. And, honestly, it isn’t the first time you’ve taken a jab at me. You seem to like to point out that I have a disability, which I already know I have, but what you need to understand is that you need to be good on the inside too. I’d suggest working on you, because you need it to be able to feel good about yourself.” I don’t know if that’s super bitchy—the girl is making an effort—but she straight out admitted that she’s a mean girl.
Tiffany flinches. I look at Chad. “I’m sorry. I need to get out of here.”
Chad nods and gives me a sympathetic look. “Thanks for your help,” he says, and I stalk off.
I’ve almost made it to the locker rooms when someone takes my arm. “Rebel, wait.” Wolfe’s voice sounds low and broken.
I whip around and pull my arm from his embrace. “Why?”
“I’m so sorry for what went down Friday night,” he begins.
“Really? You mean you’re sorry that I found out the truth?” Anger and hurt bubble inside me.
Wolfe winces. I get a good look at him and see that he hasn’t shaved and he has dark
circles under his eyes. “No,” he says, looking like a wounded puppy. I will not let those blue eyes melt me anymore. “I’m sorry about it all.”
Okay, so he isn’t very good with words or expressing emotions. You knew that, Rebel.
“I’m going to get changed. I need outta here,” I say.
“Rebel, please. I screwed up.” He blows out a breath. “I wanted to tell you about Cait a million times,” he says, and it feels like he’s taken a knife to my heart and twisted.
My jaw drops. “I wondered if what Tiffany said was true. Thanks for the confirmation.” I turn on my heel and head into the girls’ locker room.
“Rebel, please hear me out,” he begs, following me inside.
“Are you insane?” I ask him as some girls who are changing either shriek or send him goo-goo eyes. The girls clear out to another section of the locker room.
“You need to listen to me,” he insists.
“Fine,” I huff, placing my hands at my waist. I will not show him how badly he’s hurt me. He doesn’t deserve my tears. I tilt my chin up.
“When I first noticed you, it’s true, I was thinking of Cait. Our family was in a bad car accident a few years ago. We all walked away with minor bruises and scrapes, except Cait. The car hit us on her side and she suffered the brunt of the crash. She’s in a wheelchair and she lost part of her leg.
“When I met you and saw how brave you are, I figured if I got to know you, then maybe I could help Cait in some way. It was my fault we got into the accident and I’ve carried the guilt of her injury for so long,” he says.
“I’m sorry your family had to go through all that, and I feel bad for your sister, but what you did was messed-up.”
“I’m messed-up, Rebel. I was just so lost. I walked away from everyone in my family, except for Cait. I had no one, and I was just trying to find a way to get by each day while living with the guilt that Cait was stuck at home in a chair, living with my addict mother who doesn’t say a word.” My heart hurts for Wolfe. The pain he was feeling is now clear to me, but it doesn’t change anything between us.
Wolfe swallows and his eyes look red. “I got to know you and you were the most… real, amazing person I’d ever met. We just clicked, and it stopped being about me trying to figure out how to fix Cait because our talks, just being with you, felt…” He pauses and swallows again and then he looks me in the eyes and places both of his hands on my shoulders. “I fell in love with you, Rebel. It may not be what I set out to do, but it happened, and I feel like shit for hurting you and not being honest with you,” he says.
I take a step back and his hands fall from my shoulders. “Here’s the thing, Wolfe. Had you been honest with me and told me about Cait, then maybe things wouldn’t be so messed-up. But you lied. You lie about who you are, and you just feel like it’s okay to lie and lie, and I can’t be with someone like that.” I shake my head sadly.
“Rebel, you don’t understand. The way I grew up... my father was a liar. Our lives were never private. The media was always lurking, trying to find out things about my family. When I came to college, I wanted a fresh start. I wanted people to know me for me,” he says, trying to get me to understand his reasoning.
“Yeah, they knew you for you. They called you a heartless player, Wolfe. That’s what you became known for. Not exactly something to boast about. But here’s the thing. I’m done getting played.” I turn around, grab my things, and walk out of the locker room. Wolfe doesn’t follow me, and that’s when I allow the tears to fall. I was planning on showering at the gym and going to class, but I’m not in the right headspace, so I slowly make the walk back home, carrying a bag on each of my shoulders as tiny flakes of snow fall from the sky.
Wolfe’s words ring in my mind. He said he loved me, but a guy like him doesn’t know what love is.
Thirty-Three
Wolfe
“Wolfe, you with us?” Coach Ramirez asks as he points to the large screen where Harvard is playing against U Penn.
I clear my throat and refocus. “Yes, sir.”
“Can you tell me what I just said?” he asks, brow raised. It’s unlike Coach to call me out this way, but in all honesty, I’m not focused. He told me I’m good enough to draft, but if I don’t show my worth tonight it could all go downhill.
“Sorry, Coach,” I say. “Won’t happen again.”
Coach frowns and moves on to point out another play.
Shit! I need to focus, but how can I with the way Rebel looked at me this morning? Disappointment and I don’t know what—maybe disgust—were dripping from her gaze.
I give my head a shake. Don’t think of Rebel. Not with my future on the line. My own words don’t feel like good advice because Rebel changed my life and I can’t picture my life without her in it.
After the meeting ends, Coach Ramirez calls me over. “You okay, Wolfe?”
“No, but I’m going to be okay by tonight. I plan on giving this game my all,” I tell him.
“You can’t throw everything away for a girl. That show you made in the gym this morning is making me question whether your comeback should be tonight.”
“Sorry about this morning. That girl is important to me and hockey is important to me. I want to get the girl and seal the deal on entering the draft.”
“Well, if anyone can do it, you can, Wolfe.” Coach Ramirez reaches out and gives my shoulder a brief squeeze. I never had any real parental support growing up. The fact that Coach believes in me makes me feel choked up.
“That means a lot,” I say, and my throat bobs as I try to hide my emotion.
“I’m serious. You worry about the whole team, not just yourself. That’s what has won you the spot of captain. You keep the team in line. They look up to you.” Pride shines in his eyes.
“I don’t know about that,” I say.
“They do,” he says curtly. “Now, go take care of your business, because you need to bring your A game tonight.”
“Yes, sir,” I say and I turn and leave the media room.
Rebel
“That was fast,” Blossom says as she pours herself a cup of coffee. She’s already in uniform ready to leave for the diner.
“Tiffany came to apologize to me in this really lame way and then Wolfe got involved. He followed me into the locker room and told me he loves me and…” I burst into tears. Why does this have to hurt so much?
“He said he loves you?” Blossom asks and she walks over and embraces me in a hug. I nod. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“No, he’s a liar. I can’t be with someone who lies.” My tears are soaking her uniform.
“What did he lie to you about, though?” she asks. “I get that his reasons for meeting you were a little messed-up, even though it’s nice that he cares for his sister that much. But I just don’t get what he lied about. You told me yourself that he only wanted to be friends. That he didn’t see you in that way. I don’t think that was a lie. He wanted to be friends with you, and as he got to know you, he realized how amazing you are.” She moves a piece of hair out of my eyes.
“So now you’re on his side,” I accuse and pull away, feeling like a tsunami has been building inside me all weekend. I walk over to the kettle and take a mug. I make myself a coffee.
“This isn’t about sides. You were friends first and fell in love. There weren’t any lies. Wolfe has been up front with you. He told you he didn’t do relationships…”
“No, he does lie. He lied about his last name and he lied about why he was interested in being my friend,” I shoot back.
“Can you really blame the guy for lying about his last name? His family seems like a train wreck. I would want to distance myself from them too.”
“And the fact that he didn’t tell me about his sister?” I ask. “I told him about Dad and the accident.”
“And it’s great you opened up, but not everyone can share their deepest, darkest secrets. Sometimes it’s hard. I don’t talk about Daddy or Mama ever. Not even to my best f
riends,” Blossom says.
“Holland knows it all,” I admit.
“I know,” Blossom says. “It’s amazing that you can open up and express your feelings, but not everyone can do that so easily. I read the articles about Wolfe’s family, Rebel. He’s been through a lot. They were in a car crash that put Wolfe’s sister in a wheelchair.”
“He blames himself for that accident. Said it was his fault that his sister was injured so badly,” I tell her. I try to lift the mug of coffee to drink, but my hands shake and it spills over the top and burns my hand. “Shit.”
“Rebel. Sweetheart.” Blossom takes my hand, guiding me to the kitchen sink where she turns the tap on with cold water.
“I’m not two.” I laugh through the tears.
“Those articles said that a drunk driver ran a stop sign and t-boned their car. I can’t imagine how Wolfe would be to blame,” Blossom says.
“I don’t know, but he said it was his fault and that he lives with guilt because of it.” I remember his words from the gym.
“I have to get to work,” Blossom says. “The guy is hurting and has been hurt, but it doesn’t make him bad. I watched how protective he was of you when Preston was out of hand.”
“I don’t need a bodyguard,” I snap.
“No,” she agrees. “But you can never have enough people in your life who care about you, and that boy cares. Maybe he doesn’t know how to show it. His family is dysfunctional. Reporters have had a hell of a field day reporting all kinds of drama about them. I don’t blame Wolfe for changing his name.” She looks at her watch. “I really gotta go. You going to be okay?” she asks, reaching for her jacket.
“Yeah, you be careful. The streets were pretty slippery,” I say, and she leaves.
I’m left by myself, my thoughts overwhelming the hell out of me. Blossom made some good points. It’s no secret that I love Wolfe. I just don’t know if we’re right for each other anymore. He was manwhore central. Even Friday night, he stood there and watched me dance with another guy. He made no move to show anyone at the party that we were together. Nothing. I head upstairs to take a quick shower. I have to get back to school. Taking off class this close to finals is risky.
Heartless Player: A College Hockey Romance : (Westfall U Series) Page 21