by S. T. Joshi
POLORUS
[Virtuously] I didn’t mention it, Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
And it’s lucky for you that you didn’t mention it, Majesty! What is your guess?
POLORUS
I say hyperacidity.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, that was your first guess. Now what is your second?
POLORUS
Cholelithiasis.
HELIOGABALUS
And then? What is number three?
POLORUS
Nervous dyspepsia.
HELIOGABALUS
[In a sepulchral voice, gradually working himself into a rage] And which one do you favour for the death-certificate?
POLORUS
[Horrified] Surely Your Majesty is joking!
HELIOGABALUS
[Now thoroughly enraged, he leaps down from the solium and proceeds toward POLORUS like a lion stalking a deer] Joking? Is a coroner’s inquest a joke? Is an autopsy a joke? [He explodes with wrath and bawls for the guard] Out with the jackass! Shove him into tier two and fatten him for the leopards! Out with him!
[POLORUS is hustled out, loudly protesting. PISO attempts a discreet sneak, but HELIOGABALUS detects it]
HELIOGABALUS
Grab the old one! Duck him in the pool!
[The slaves grab poor PISO and throw him in. He comes up instantly and tries to scramble out]
PISO
[Sputtering] Injustice! Injustice!
HELIOGABALUS
Again! [They duck him]
PISO
[Coming up again] I confess! Let me out! I admit everything!
[The slaves haul him out. He shakes himself like a wet dog]
HELIOGABALUS
Now throw him out.
[They proceed to do it]
PISO
Where is my stethoscope? I lost my stethoscope! I want my stetho—
[Exit]
DACIA
[Sweetly, as HELIOGABALUS returns to the solium and wearily reseats himself] You excite yourself, dear. [She caresses him as if he were a troubled child, but a bit timorously] You should be calmer. That old quack isn’t worth—
HELIOGABALUS
Calm? How can I be calm with that dog-fight going on in my tummy? My sweet birdie, you underestimate the effects of matter on mind. I ought to have kissed you an hour ago. It was my duty. Moreover, I inclined to it—the thought presented itself to me. But just then I was seized. I love you—but I am sick.
DACIA
[Sentimentally] If you love me, I am happy.
HELIOGABALUS
So am I—theoretically. But this—[He rubs his front sadly. Then he suddenly pulls himself together. To the assemblage] Let us proceed to business. What is the first case?
[A slave comes forward with a scroll and writing materials and takes his place at the ornate table. He is the Clerk of the Night Court. Two armed guards stand to either side of him. The following scene is played very quickly]
THE CLERK
Hecatus; 27 years old; attempted burglary.
HELIOGABALUS
Hecatus? Is he a Greek?
THE CLERK
Yes, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Then don’t bother to bring him in. Have him thrown into the Tiber at once. Next case.
THE CLERK
Cornelia Metelli; 20 years old; soliciting.
HELIOGABALUS
Bring her in.
[The guard hauls in a bedraggled old wench, fully 45]
CORNELIA
[Beginning to protest from the moment she enters the door] Your Majesty, I give you my word I never done anything whatsoever at all. I was just walking down the street, going to meet a friend, when that policeman come up and—
HELIOGABALUS
Stop lying, my dear. I remember you very well. The last time, you held up a drunken pall-bearer on his way home from a funeral.
CORNELIA
Your Majesty, you have got me mixed up with some other lady. I give you my word I never—
HELIOGABALUS
Silence! Now let’s be friends. How is trade?
CORNELIA
Your Majesty, you do me wrong, I assure—
HELIOGABALUS
Well, now, are we going to be friends, or do you want me to send you up at once?
CORNELIA
Don’t send me up again!
HELIOGABALUS
Then answer my polite question. I asked you “How is trade?” I take it that it’s not as good as it used to be. [CORNELIA begins to sniffle] I suppose the night has to be very dark for you to be—insulted. Or the stranger very soused.
CORNELIA
A poor girl ain’t got a chance, Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Not after forty-five. Or fifty. [To the assemblage in general] Consider, gentlemen, the sad fate of this poor working girl. Think of her days of hope, of happiness. Of success. Think of the men she has charmed! Think of the old, sad romance of her betrayal! I dare say it was some gladiator, or an actor. Ah, the misery of the years! And now contemplate her beauty in its decay: the night must be very dark, or the stranger very soused. Observe that sepulchral wreck of what once was a human face. [CORNELIA sobs] No, my baby, I shall not send you up. Instead I am going to do something for you. Day chases day: you need a comfortable home. I appoint you a Vestal Virgin.
CORNELIA
[In horror] Oh, my God! Oh, your Majesty!
HELIOGABALUS
Sheriff, do your duty! [The guard drags her out, protesting raucously] Next case!
THE CLERK
Lucius Macedonicus; aged 30; picking pockets. [The prisoner is brought in]
HELIOGABALUS
Guilty or not guilty?
THE PRISONER
Not guilty.
HELIOGABALUS
That is to say, guilty.
THE PRISONER
Believe me, your Majesty, I wouldn’t lie to—
HELIOGABALUS
[To the clerk] How many terms has he served?
THE CLERK
Twenty-seven, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
I begin to doubt the efficacy of the modern jail system. Let me think. [He meditates] The sheriff is ordered to take the prisoner to the place of execution—[The prisoner yells, but is silenced by the guard, and HELIOGABALUS goes on]—and there chop off the index finger of his right hand—with one clean blow of a well-honed sword—no amateurish butchering.
THE CLERK
Any further command?
HELIOGABALUS
On his recovery, he is to be given a place on the police force.
THE CLERK
[In surprise] The police force?
HELIOGABALUS
I said the police force. A pickpocket with the index finger of his right hand gone is harmless. And so is a policeman. Call the next case.
[The prisoner is hustled out]
HELIOGABALUS
[Calling after] Bring me the finger, Sheriff. I admire it. [To the Clerk] What is the next case?
THE CLERK
Lucia the Galatian, alias Lucia the Christian; aged 21; blasphemy and inciting to riot. One of the soapbox cases, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Bring her in.
[LUCIA is brought in by the guard. She wears a simple white stola, the common dress of Roman women, with a cross embroidered in front. She is very pretty, and HELIOGABALUS shows immediate signs that he has duly observed the fact. He settles his toga, wets his finger, smoothes his eyebrows, and assumes a mixture of amiable smile and judicial frown. LUCIA folds her arms and is silent]
DACIA
[To HELIOGABALUS] She is very pretty.
HELIOGABALUS
[Heavily] Oh, yes—in a sense.
DACIA
It’s a pity to see such a pretty girl in the hands of the police.
HELIOGABALUS
[Grasping at the idea] A pity? It’s revolting! Darling, it shocks me to expose you to such a spect
acle. I really can’t permit it. My conscience would never let up on me.
DACIA
But—
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly. Wifely duty, and all that. I understand. You love me. But I can’t permit it, really. Moreover, it is getting very late. You must have your rest. [He rises] My arm.
DACIA
I am not sleepy at all, dear.
HELIOGABALUS
See. It has begun already! Insomnia from late hours. That’s the way I began. I promised your father to take care of you, to cherish you, to—
DACIA
But—
HELIOGABALUS
I positively refuse to let you sacrifice yourself. I hadn’t noticed the time. Now, my dear. [He offers his arm, and she dutifully takes it, though with obvious reluctance. They step down from the solium and proceed to the door of the peristyle. At the door] You have been getting paler and paler for an hour. I noticed it but didn’t say anything. Now right to bed, my little ginger snap. Don’t forget that Heliogabalus loves you. [He gives her a peck of a kiss] I’ll be with you anon.
[She goes out without a word. Immediately the door closes behind her, HELIOGABALUS makes his way back to the solium with noticeable haste. First he takes a precautionary look over his shoulder at the door; then he devotes himself to a long gaze at LUCIA]
HELIOGABALUS
[Genially] So this is Lucia!
LUCIA
[Oratorically] The Peace of the Lord be with you, Cæsar! I am not afraid.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, surely not. I had no thought of harming you, my dear.
LUCIA
Ye who live by the sword shall perish by the sword. It is so written.
HELIOGABALUS
Perhaps you are right. But why did you kick up this disturbance on the street?
LUCIA
I made no disturbance, Cæsar. I obeyed the command. I preached the Son of God.
HELIOGABALUS
God? Which God?
LUCIA
The One God.
HELIOGABALUS
So there is only one now? I heard the rumour only last week. But why get excited about it? Why stir up those poor country yokels at the market, and give the policemen trouble?
LUCIA
I came to preach the Word. I came to bring peace. Aye, even peace to you, Cæsar;—with the sin and blood upon your hands.
HELIOGABALUS
[To the clerk] Mr. Clerk, the defendant is in the shadow. Can’t we move the lamps a bit?
[The clerk moves them experimentally]
HELIOGABALUS
So; an inch or so to the left. That’s better. [To LUCIA] And now, my dear, about this blood upon my hands. Surely you have confused me with some one else. I am never violent.
LUCIA
It was by your decree that they died—burned alive, torn to pieces by wild beasts, butchered by gladiators—five hundred souls.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh-h, you mean those—what do you call them?—Christians! Well, surely you are not complaining of that. All that is a mere matter of administrative routine. They practise magic; they claim to be able to heal the sick, even to raise the dead. The law is the law.
LUCIA
It is their faith that gives life; it is their faith that heals. And that faith [touching her heart] is here.
HELIOGABALUS
[To the clerk] I’ll have to trouble you about the lights again. Bring that big lamp nearer to the prisoner. The rest of you stand back.
[The clerk so places the light that LUCIA’S face is in the full glare of it. HELIOGABALUS views her with obvious and prolonged admiration]
HELIOGABALUS
Thank you; now I can hear her better. [To LUCIA] And you were saying, my dear?
LUCIA
[Striking her heart again] My faith is here. The truth is here. The power of the spirit is here.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, so far, so good. But surely you don’t claim to be a magician like those other Christians. A pretty girl like you!
LUCIA
There is no magic! There is only the spirit.
HELIOGABALUS
But, my dear! What has the spirit to do with the belly-ache? How can the spirit help a man when he is doubled up? What could it do for me?
LUCIA
Even you, Cæsar. Even you are not beyond the grace of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
[Growing more interested] Do you mean to say that I can be cured by this new magic, this so-called Christianity?
LUCIA
By Christianity, Cæsar, and by the spirit within. Even you may be healed.
HELIOGABALUS
Do you mean without swallowing any more pills?
LUCIA
I know nothing of pills. I know only the work of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
But what I am getting at is: what is the machinery of it? How do you set the Lord to working? Just how do you do it?
LUCIA
[Simply] We pray.
HELIOGABALUS
Is that all?
LUCIA
We lay on hands.
HELIOGABALUS
[Vastly interested] So! You lay on hands? And do you yourself—that is to say, are you yourself a practitioner of this—this—laying on of hands?
[He leans over to glance cautiously at the door through which DACIA has gone]
LUCIA
My prayers have been answered. I take no reward. I would ask the Lord’s mercies even for you, Cæsar.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, all I have to say is that you are a very nice girl. First you accuse me of murdering your friends, and now you say you are willing to pray for me,—and even to lay on hands.
LUCIA
It is the command: forgive those who have ill-used you.
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, I say: now you are going too far. Imagine me ill-using you. Sweet piece, you wrong me.
LUCIA
[In surprise] I am not to be burned?
HELIOGABALUS
The idea! Burn you! The very thought of it revolts me. You have been misinformed, my dear. I am a very humane man—even a polite man.
LUCIA
But—
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, I know what you are going to say. Now and then I am irritable—and maybe order a man or two, or a dozen or so, to the—that is, now and then, I let the law take its course. But when a man is in bad health—and always has the stomach-ache—he sometimes gets out of humour. Who wouldn’t? You have no idea how much I have suffered, and what awful medicines I have taken. Not half an hour ago I had to have another of those quacks ducked in this very room. Well, the Christians have this easy cure—this way of curing by laying on hands—and yet they let me suffer. Is it any wonder that I sometimes lose my temper? Now you say that you also know the trick, and I was wondering—
LUCIA
I shall pray for you, Caesar.
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, by all means. But this laying on of hands—I have a notion that it might, er—fit my particular case even better.
LUCIA
[Diffidently] We could try.
HELIOGABALUS
So we could. But not here. I have a feeling that a crowd might be—well, unsympathetic. [To the clerk] The court recesses, Mr. Clerk. Clear the room!
[The guards proceed to drive every one out in headlong haste, leaving only HELIOGABALUS, LUCIA and RUFINIUS]
HELIOGABALUS
[To RUFINIUS] I shall cross-examine the witness in chambers. [To LUCIA, offering her his arm] My dear.
[As they go out, HELIOGABALUS takes another precautionary look at the peristyle. They go into one of the rooms at the rear. The door closes. RUFINIUS, to whom the business is an old story, heaves a sigh, pours out two go blets of wine, and places them on the small table near the door. He then goes to the door of the ostium, and calls out to an unseen guard]
RUFINIUS
[In bored tones] B
etter get the musicians ready, Sampinus. They’ll probably be wanted presently. Are they all sober?
[The guard makes no reply, but the clank of his sword is heard. As RUFINIUS turns back, PAULA enters front the peristyle. She is somewhat dishevelled]
PAULA
The Emperor—where is the Emperor?
RUFINIUS
He has just stepped out, Majesty.
PAULA
Just stepped out? Where has he gone?
RUFINIUS
He hasn’t gone anywhere, Majesty.
PAULA
Bosh. Either he is out or he is not out. Don’t deceive me!
[RUFINIUS, stumped, answers nothing, but his eyes wander to the door. PAULA quick ly notices]
PAULA
So he’s in there, is he? And who is it this time?
RUFINIUS
A young woman, Majesty—a young Christian woman.
[There is a loud knock on the inside of the door, and RUFINIUS steps to answer. He opens the door very slightly and pokes his head in]
RUFINIUS
Majesty?
HELIOGABALUS
[Within] Music!
[RUFINIUS claps his hands, and instantly two musicians come in from the ostium. One has a Greek pipe and the other a lyre. The piper blows a loud blast and breaks into lively music. Suddenly there are again loud knocks on the inside of the door, and RUFINIUS pokes in his head once more]
HELIOGABALUS
[Within] Not so damned loud! Something soft—and dreamy!
RUFINIUS
[To the musicians] Turn off the air in that pipe!
[HELIOGABALUS’ order appears ominous to both RUFINIUS and PAULA, and they look at each other]
PAULA
This looks serious.
RUFINIUS
I fear so, Majesty.
PAULA
You say she is a Christian girl—one of those ex-Jewesses who bawl and beat tambourines on the streets? What does she look like?
RUFINIUS
I regret to report—
PAULA
Speak up! Is she good-looking?
RUFINIUS
[Reluctantly] In a sense, yes.
PAULA
That means she is very beautiful, doesn’t it? Do I know any one she looks like?
RUFINIUS
[With a heavy attempt at courtliness] Your Majesty must consult your mirror.
PAULA
Enough of that blather! Do you think that I don’t know I’m—nearly twenty-eight? [With bitterness] If I were still what I used to be, I’d be in that room myself.
[Another knock on the inside of the door. RUFINIUS responds. Unintelligible words from within. RUFINIUS turns, empties the two goblets, takes another flask from the table, and refills them. The musicians keep droning softly]