by S. T. Joshi
HELIOGABALUS
Know what?
LUCIA
That their buttons were off, and—
HELIOGABALUS
But they are not off. I was merely arguing. I used an illustration. As we Christians say, I spoke in a parable.
LUCIA
I think you are exciting yourself for nothing. You are tired out. Why don’t you go to sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
[Wearily] Yes, there seems to be nothing else to do. My trouble used to be that I didn’t get sleep enough. But now—! [He composes himself, heavily, and for a moment there is silence. He then tosses in bed and fusses with the bed-clothes, muttering under his breath and whining] I’ve got a stomach-ache.
LUCIA
[Raising herself and gazing at him] Are you cold, Cæsar?
HELIOGABALUS
[Bitterly] Who’d care if I froze to death? . . . And why do you persist in always calling me Cæsar? It’s so darned stiff and unbedroomy. My old wives used to call me pet names—like Helio and Gabby.
LUCIA
[After a pause, archly] Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[He sits up quick ly, and stares at her] Say that again. Louder.
LUCIA
Would you really like me to kiss you?
HELIOGABALUS
[With a sigh] You say it just as you might say, “Will you have another plate of fish-soup?”
LUCIA
But would you?
HELIOGABALUS
[Meditatively] Well, I dare say it might make me forget my stomach-ache—if it was a real kiss. [With elaborate manner] Am I to understand that you have an itch in that direction?
LUCIA
[Taken aback] Itch?
HELIOGABALUS
Pardon an old soldier, little moonstone. I should say an inclination, an impulse—a prompting.
LUCIA
[Getting out of bed] Now I’ll show you, Cæsar, that I do love you, with a Christian love.
HELIOGABALUS
[Somewhat at a loss] Positively, darling, you alarm me.
[She has got to HELIOGABALUS’ bed by now. She enters the space between the two beds, and he sits up and takes her by the waist]
LUCIA
There!
[She kisses him—but very formally and briefly]
HELIOGABALUS
Ah!
LUCIA
Now, Cæsar, you know I love you.
HELIOGABALUS
No; so far I merely suspect it. What is needed is corroboration. Now for another, sweet icebox—and let it be a bit more easy and dreamy. Let yourself go a bit. Don’t hold your breath. Don’t—forgive me, little one—be so gol-darned Christian.
[A long one, during which, his arms about her, LUCIA tries to fight away from him. As they fall apart LUCIA grasps the bed for support]
LUCIA
[Her hands to her face] Oh!
HELIOGABALUS
You may well say “Oh!” Many a woman lives and dies without ever getting such a kiss.
LUCIA
[Startled] It took my breath.
HELIOGABALUS
[Not without pride] I dare say. [Hospitably] But aren’t you chilly out there? Why not come in?
LUCIA
[Suddenly covering her face with her hands] Oh, those other women! Those awful women!
HELIOGABALUS
[Patting her shoulder] Forget them! I expunge them from the minutes! I’ll get rid of them—all of them!
[At this, PAULA, who has been concealed under HELIOGABALUS’ bed, suddenly pops out her head. HELIOGABALUS and LUCIA, of course, cannot see her. Her face mirrors the utmost indignation and she strains her head to hear better]
LUCIA
All of them? Even that fat old Paula?
HELIOGABALUS
Purge your mind of all concern, darling. I’ll have Paula poisoned in the morning. She has lived too long.
LUCIA
[Horrified] Oh, never! I won’t have her poisoned.
HELIOGABALUS
Well, then, I’ll marry her off to old Caius Macrinus—and ship them both to Persia.
LUCIA
But the others?
HELIOGABALUS
I’ll marry off the whole crowd to Caius. The old souse deserves it.
LUCIA
[Insinuatingly] Even that pretty one—that Dacia?
HELIOGABALUS
Yes, either marry her off [weakening] or send her home to her mama. But enough of this. You’ll catch your death of cold.
LUCIA
[Without warmth, as if speaking to her father] Is there room?
HELIOGABALUS
Oh, surely. [He moves over and she climbs in] Let me help you. [He gives her a hand and she crawls under the covers. He then puts his arm around her, and they sit up together] After all, confess that is better than the farm over there. Now isn’t it? When I crawl in there I feel like a lost orphan. Do you remember how I mislaid you the other night? I thought you had fallen out of bed, but there you were all the while, eighteen feet away. And now—
[Another kiss]
LUCIA
Cæsar, you are so—
HELIOGABALUS
[Puffing out his chest] I thought you’d like it. But it really takes me some time to get into form. Now tell me the truth: this is really nicer than praying, isn’t it?
LUCIA
[Tremulously] I’m afraid it is—sometimes.
HELIOGABALUS
Afraid it is? What are you afraid of?
LUCIA
[Relapsing into the Christian] We are taught that—
HELIOGABALUS
Now there you go with that Christianity again! You are taught, are you? Well, I’ll teach you something easier to learn. I am the old professor! Now to proceed with the lesson—
[Another kiss. Toward its end there is a knock at the door. HELIOGABALUS draws back and glances over his shoulder, but quick ly resumes the buss. Another knock]
HELIOGABALUS
[In a sudden rage] Say, what do they think this is? A farce? If it’s that old interrupting wheeze Rufinius again, off go both his legs! And both ears! And maybe a bud or two of nose!
[LUCIA in terror leaps from the bed and into her own bed. Another knock at the door]
LUCIA
You had better let him in. If it wasn’t important, he surely wouldn’t risk his life.
HELIOGABALUS
[Obviously impressed by the notion] Maybe you are right. But let me take at least one more shot a him as he comes in. I won’t kill him. All I want to do is to cripple him. [Gets out of bed, but before he can find a missile, there is yet another knock, this time very urgent, and he gives it up] Come in!
[The door opens ever so little. RUFINIUS thrusts his hand through the crack. When nothing strikes it, he follows with his head, very warily. As he comes in PAULA draws in her head]
RUFINIUS
Your Majesty’s pardon! I ask pardon!
HELIOGABALUS
[Severely] Well, alarm clock?
RUFINIUS
A very important matter. [He glances about him, his eyes alighting on LUCIA] For your Majesty’s private ear. Perhaps it would be better—
HELIOGABALUS
Let’s hear it.
RUFINIUS
[He comes closer] I really think—
HELIOGABALUS
[Testily] Go on with your story, kill-joy.
[RUFINIUS drops his voice so that his words are not audible. The purport of the dialogue must be revealed by HELIOGABALUS’ answers and exclamations. While it is elaborately going on, with the backs of both turned to the bed, PAULA pokes out her head and listens intently. LUCIA, sitting up in bed, also tries hard to hear, but it is improbable that she catches more than an occasional word]
HELIOGABALUS
[Aloud] Make it short. I’m very busy. [RUFINIUS whispers, and HELIOGABALUS suddenly grows interested and somewhat alarmed] What do they want? . . . I thought they were all s
ound asleep over in the North Wing. . . . She isn’t? What! A riot—and Paula not in it? Then where is she? . . . Go find her. I know she’s behind it. . . . And get the rest to bed. Drunk or sober, get them to bed. . . . Tell them I absolutely order it.
[A noise outside, and a woman’s scream]
LUCIA
[From the bed, in alarm] What was that?
HELIOGABALUS
[Over his shoulder, reassuringly] Nothing, my dear. Stay in bed like a nice girl.
LUCIA
[Half out] You are having some one killed!
HELIOGABALUS
Bosh! Stay in bed! [To RUFINIUS] Get them back in the North Wing, and post a guard at—
[He is cut short by a terrific uproar outside. Women screaming. The sound of a bugle. The clank of swords. Loud and prolonged military orders. A man’s voice: “Let go!” A woman’s: “Stick him in the eye!”
[HELIOGABALUS and RUFINIUS turn toward the closed door and gape at it dumbfounded, apparently disinclined to open it and face the music. As they move toward it irresolutely, PAULA rolls from under the bed, leaps to her feet, dashes between them, blows a loud whistle, gets to the door, and throws it open]
PAULA
Come in, girls! I am with you!
[At this, LUCIA, still in bed, screams shrilly, and HELIOGABALUS and RUFINIUS fall back. As the door swings open CELEST IS bounds in with a Prætorian guard dragging behind her. At sight of the imperial bedchamber, he is so far overcome that he lets go and rushes out again. In the doorway, he collides with AQUILIA SEVERA, ANNIA FAUST INA and ALINIA, all in a great state of excitement. They knock him over, and leap into the room, glaring about them truculently]
PAULA
[Levelling a melodramatic forefinger at HELIOGABALUS] There he is! He was plotting to poison all of us!
[Obviously, PAULA strikes HELIOGABALUS with a good deal of terror. He backs away from her, and keeps a safe distance while she declaims. She takes the centre of the stage at once, the other wives grouped behind her. After her accusation there is a moment of electric silence. She fixes HELIOGABALUS with a glare]
HELIOGABALUS
[Weakly] Oh, surely you exaggerate. I—
PAULA
Me first, and then the rest of you. I heard it with my own ears. And I heard a lot besides. Such talk! I lay there under the bed blushing.
LUCIA
[Sitting up in bed] You ought to blush, you—you—you—
[She is overcome by indignation]
PAULA
Out of my bed, you—you—you!
LUCIA
You—you—you—!
PAULA
No more of this Christian monkey-business! Into the street you go, where you came from!
LUCIA
Do you dare—!
PAULA
Yes, the street. I saw you myself. I saw you haranguing those loafers, and singing songs, and passing a soup-plate for coppers.
LUCIA
[Leaping from bed] I refuse to allow you to say that. I was preaching the Word. I was seeking souls.
PAULA
[Moving toward her truculently] Um-hum! I know what you were seeking. You had one eye on the Palace all the while.
LUCIA
[In high indignation] There is not a word of truth in it. It is infamous.
PAULA
Bah!
THE OT HER WIVES
Bah! Bah!
LUCIA
I was on my Master’s business.
PAULA
And I am here on my own business. I'll give you two minutes to get out of this room—and stay out.
[HELIOGABALUS, observing that both sides have forgotten him, gives a sardonic wink and tiptoes upstage toward his bed. He carefully and quietly crawls in, fixes the pillow behind him, and settles down to observe the row. RUFINIUS sneaks toward the door]
LUCIA
Never in the world! This is my room now. It has been sanctified!
PAULA
Sanctified nothing. It’s my room—our room. You never were legally married to the Emperor. You are nothing but a—
LUCIA
Oh, what a lie! I was married by my own pastor.
PAULA
Yes, by one of your Christian street-preachers. I’ve seen him! He looks like a drum-major. But this is Rome, and—
LUCIA
[Explosively] Well, when it comes to that, what of yourself? Where did you come from? Doesn’t everybody know that you were a chamber-maid in Alexandria?
PAULA
[Sputtering] I was nothing of the sort, you—! My father was a general in the army.
ANNIA
My father was Governor of Macedonia.
LUCIA
[Leaping at the chance] Oh, was he? And who was your first husband?
[The boaster is abashed]
LUCIA
I’ll tell you. His name was Pomponius Bassus—and he was hanged.
[The boaster begins to snivel, and PAULA comes to the rescue]
PAULA
[Grandly] And he deserved it. The way he treated that poor, dear—
LUCIA
Yes, and he was hanged six weeks after that hussy came here and tempted poor Cæsar.
[HELIOGABALUS turns over in the bed]
PAULA
A thumping lie! I remember every detail, of it. It wasn’t six weeks at all . . . And now you throw on your clothes and get out of here! Out with you!
LUCIA
I shall do absolutely nothing of the sort.
PAULA
This free love stuff has got to stop. And it’s my place to see that it—
LUCIA
It’s your place to turn all these heathen women out of the palace, and then turn yourself out, and so save the Emperor from such sinful—
PAULA
You’re a common man-teaser.
LUCIA
You are an old scare-crow!
PAULA
I’ll have you thrown out of the door!
LUCIA
I’ll have you thrown out of the window!
PAULA
You are a loose woman!
LUCIA
You used to be a loose woman!
[The shot injures poor old PAULA so badly that she jumps at LUCIA and grabs her by the arm, shaking her furiously]
PAULA
I dare you to say such a thing!
LUCIA
Let me go, you—you—infidel! I’ll—
[She wrests herself free and deals PAULA a clout over the head. PAULA lunges at her with vast ferocity, but she quickly delivers another blow. A huge uproar. HELIOGABALUS stretches his neck to see it. RUFINIUS several times steps forward as if to interfere, but always thinks better of it. PAULA has the advantage of weight, but LUCIA is by far the more agile. Various shrill exclamations “Oh, you will, will you? Take that! Ouch! Oh, my ear! Whoop!” etc. To the extreme right, beyond the large bed, is the fleet of coat-rack s, each enormously laden with feminine finery. PAULA back s LUCIA into them, but straightway comes to grief herself, for LUCIA upsets the nearest upon her, and, when she falls, heaves another after it. PAULA, completely buried in clothes, yells for help, and the three other wives, who have so far done no more than encourage her with shouts, now come to the attack. LUCIA, leaping behind another rack, pushes it at them, and it halts them. Then, seeing herself outdone by numbers, she calls for help herself]
LUCIA
Oh, oh! Help! Help, Cæsar! Save me!
HELIOGABALUS
[Crawling from the bed quietly and idiotically] Did I hear you call? What’s the trouble? Have you dropped something?
LUCIA
[At the top of her lungs] These filthy creatures are trying to kill me!
PAULA
[Under the pile of clothes] She bit me!
[The other wives unearth PAULA and stand her on her feet. It is seen that she has a black eye. LUCIA retreats to the door at the left and stands there at bay. The other wives haul PAULA toward the centre of the stage. HELIOGA
BALUS crosses to a place between LUCIA and the others]
LUCIA
[Hysterically] That old washtub tried to stab me.
PAULA
[Breaking from the others, her hand on her black eye] It’s a dirty lie! She kicked me in the—
LUCIA
She called me awful names!
CÆ LEST IS
I saw her draw a dagger!
HELIOGABALUS
Stop! Be quiet! What sort of bar-room row is this? Do you know where you are?
PAULA
I am in my own room. This room is mine.
AQUILIA
And ours.
PAULA
Yes, and theirs.
LUCIA
[Furiously] It’s mine!
HELIOGABALUS
[Decisively] It’s mine. [Coolly, with judicial poise] And it wouldn’t be going too far, ladies, to say that I am scandalized by such proceedings. I really am. In all my experience, embracing many long years and the whole Roman empire, from Britain in the far North to Persia in the extreme—
PAULA
[Bursting into tears] You bring in a woman off the streets—
LUCIA
[In tears, too] You let an old unbelieving harridan, a disreputable old—
HELIOGABALUS
As I was saying, ladies, in all my—
PAULA
I demand that that creature be put out!
LUCIA
I demand my rights as your wife!
HELIOGABALUS
Really, my dear, you must excuse me. On this point the principles of jurisprudence are quite clear. A judge is plainly forbidden to sit in a case in which he has an interest. If he has an interest in one side it is enough. If he has an interest in both sides, then surely—
LUCIA
Both sides?
HELIOGABALUS
Exactly.
LUCIA
Do you mean to say that you are interested in the side of this—this fat old—this—?
HELIOGABALUS
Rid your mind of prejudice, my dear. Observe the thing calmly and judicially. Granting all you say—though I am by no means granting it—the fact remains nevertheless that according to Roman—if not Christian—law, I am married to this lady—these ladies—and that that marriage—those marriages—is and are still legally binding. With the fact go certain obligations. I may deplore, as much as you do, their somewhat unwise and emotional appear—
LUCIA
Oh, what a—!
HELIOGABALUS
All I ask is that you try to—
LUCIA
Then you don’t love me.
ANNIA
The idea!
HELIOGABALUS
I protest, my dear, that—