The Collected Drama of H L Mencken
Page 14
PISO
Not so loud, old schooner. The Emperor is giving this banquet. Remember the Espionage Act.10
SIMON
My business is with the Emperor.
POLORUS
[Amazed and amused] Surely you are not going to the banquet yourself?
[PISO haw-haws]
SIMON
[Solemnly] I have come to—to—to—[He hesitates] I have come to—
PISO
You have come to look them over?
POLORUS
You want to see whether the girls really do take off their—
SIMON
[Cutting in] Girls? Bah! I abhor the scarlet woman. My prayers are for one pure woman, for—
PISO
The wife Lucia!
POLORUS
[Nodding his head] He’s mashed on her.
SIMON
[Indignantly] I am old enough to be her father.
PISO
Yes, so is the Emperor.
SIMON
Let him have a care! Let him remember the wrath to come.
POLORUS
What! At a banquet?
SIMON
Even at a banquet. Even amid the flesh-pots. Even among the scarlet women. Let him remember his lawful wife. I hear talk that is terrible.
PISO
What do you hear?
SIMON
That he plans to cast her off. More, that he plans to—murder her.
POLORUS
[Glancing about him] Oh, I say!
SIMON
Even as he has murdered other poor women—trusting hearts—discarded wives. [Suddenly infuriated] But not the wife Lucia! The moment his slaves touch the anointed of the Lord—[He draws a dagger]—that moment I plunge this knife into his heathen heart!
PISO
[Nervously] My dear sir, calm yourself. This is awful talk. I positively refuse to listen to any such anarchism.
SIMON
I shall wait here. I am ready. I shall serve the Lord.
POLORUS
Suppose you let me have that knife. I am more used to such things. You are a clergyman. It may cut you.
[As he steps forward, there are noises outside, to the left. The band behind the curtain strikes up more loudly, and presently voices call “The Emperor! The Emperor!”]
SIMON
[Flourishing the dagger] Nay! I shall wait here! I am ready.
[More cries. The music grows louder. PISO and POLORUS grow increasingly alarmed. Cries of “The Emperor! The Emperor!”]
PISO
[In a panic] What are we to do?
POLORUS
If we had time we could anesthetize him.
PISO
Yes, if we had time we could hypnotize him. But now?
SIMON
Pray to the Lord!
POLORUS
Yes, yes, but not now. Not here. I never miss the Day of Atonement. I promised my old mother. [In full demoralization, to PISO] You tackle him.
PISO
[Panic-stricken, to SIMON] Why not go out, and take a little walk and come back later?
SIMON
I stay here. I am set here to watch. An angel charged me to—
[Shouts of “ The Emperor!” very near. The music grows louder still. Cheers behind the hangings]
POLORUS
[Pushing him back frantically] But you’re blocking up the pas sage-way. It is forbidden. Surely you don’t want to offend the Emperor.
SIMON
[Idiotically] Not unnecessarily.
PISO
Well, then—
POLORUS
[Inspired] Ah, here!
[He shoves SIMON behind the hangings at the extreme right, where they overlap the back wall]
PISO
[Greatly relieved] Whew!
POLORUS
[Coming back] Just in time! [Suddenly alarmed again] But suppose he jumps out and—
[He drops his voice]
PISO
[Resolutely] Who?
POLORUS
[In surprise] Who? This blamed—
PISO
I didn’t see anybody. Did you?
POLORUS
[With a relieved wink] No. I saw no one.
PISO
He must have sneaked in during the day.
POLORUS
Maybe the wife Lucia let him in.
[Cries of “The Emperor!” just outside. With it an unexpected babble of women’s voices. PISO and POLORUS, at this new sound, look at each other in sudden astonishment as RUFINIUS enters]
RUFINIUS
His Imperial Majesty!
[RUFINIUS is followed by two centurions. PISO drops to one knee and POLORUS follows suit. HELIOGABALUS stalks in with PAULA hanging to one arm and CÆ LEST IS to the other. Behind the three, crowded closely, are ANNIA FAUST INA, AQUILIA SEVERA, and three or four other wives. Last of all comes DACIA. HELIOGABALUS wears a magnificent toga of imperial purple, with gold borders very heavily embroidered, and a wreath of laurel. He moves to the centre of the stage without a word, and as if scarcely conscious of PAULA and CÆ LEST IS. A murmur of confused speech among the other wives. Obviously, there has been an encounter outside. PISO and POLORUS get to their feet, and move off discreetly toward the right, pushing their wheeled table ahead of them. Presently they go out. RUFINIUS takes station at the side of the archway leading into the banquet hall, directly before the place where SIMON is concealed. The centurions go to the extreme right, and stand impassive. Throughout this scene, sounds of revelry come from the banquet hall]
HELIOGABALUS
[Suddenly shaking off PAULA and CÆ LEST IS, and swinging ’round to face the other wives, his arms folded] The answer is Yes and No!
PAULA
[Melodramatically] What!
HELIOGABALUS
Yes to question number one; no to question number two.
THE OT HER WIVES
[Together] Which is which? . . . Do we come back? . . . What can he mean? . . . Which question is number one? . . . He’s going to put her out!
PAULA
[Authoritatively] Silence! Let me do the talking. [To HELIOGABALUS, bravely but a bit uneasily] What do you mean . . . darling?
HELIOGABALUS
Simply this, molasses jar. You all come back—but not together.
THE OT HER WIVES
[In a babble, as before. They don’t quite know whether to hail the news, or to protest] Oh, we come back! . . . But what does that mean? . . . I don’t understand it at all . . . Do you mean—?
PAULA
[Sharply] Silence!
[The babble is cut short instantly. A momentary silence. HELIOGABALUS stands, with his arms folded. The wives look uneasy and a bit foolish]
PAULA
[To HELIOGABALUS, quaveringly] You are not going to—?
HELIOGABALUS
Carpenters are at work building a plain double-bed. I have ordered that farm taken out and burned. The double-bed will suffice until—
PAULA
But I thought we were to come back.
HELIOGABALUS
You do—but you come back one by one.
CÆ LEST IS
But where will the rest of us sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
Where you have been sleeping—during the late revolution. Sleep wherever you please. If the palace isn’t big enough, I’ll have barracks built.
PAULA
[Maudlinly] Oh, my poor head! I can’t understand a thing he says!
HELIOGABALUS
Let me explain. The old system had its advantages. I was used to it and strongly approved it. But the older I get, the more I learn. At ninety or a hundred I should be genuinely wise. One thing I have learned is that the Christian system, too, has—
PAULA
[Hysterically] He’s deserting us for that street-woman!
[The other wives set up a shrill protest of “Ohs”]
HELIOGABALUS
[Talking them down] The Christia
n system, too, has its advantages. It is lonesome, but peaceful. I sleep better. The ventilation is better. More air. Fewer breathing.
PAULA
I protest against it as immoral! We are your lawful—
HELIOGABALUS
[Sardonically] Immoral? Hah, because it’s pleasant! You, too, have become infected by this Christianity.
PAULA
Oh, what an insult!
HELIOGABALUS
But to resume. You take your turns one by one, quietly and in order. First, let us say—well, first one of you. To be selected by me. I have a system worked out. Each stays on until—until I feel like a change. Then the next. And so on.
PAULA
I see it all. It’s a scheme to get that Christian hussy in—and then keep us out!
HELIOGABALUS
[Dark ly, rolling his eye over the group of wives] The Christian girl will not be the first. She must take her turn.
CÆ LEST IS
See! She remains. What did I tell you?
[The other wives babble]
HELIOGABALUS
If you are my lawful wives, then she is my lawful wife. I must be just. As Pontifex Maximus I am the incarnation of justice.
PAULA
I am against justice for Christians!
HELIOGABALUS
[Humorously] Exactly. There is always some one that justice doesn’t apply to.
CÆ LEST IS
You might take her in, and then keep her a year.
HELIOGABALUS
It’s theoretically possible, but very improbable. No, my inclination to the Christian system has its limits. The girl must take her turn. I must suffer, say once a year. Where is she, by the way?
PAULA
Praying somewhere, I suppose.
CÆ LEST IS
[Maliciously] Maybe she has run off with that old bed-tick of an evangelist.
HELIOGABALUS
I shall ask her to pray for you, Cælestis.
CÆ LEST IS
[Horrified] Oh, oh! She’ll put a spell on me!
HELIOGABALUS
Never fear. [Wearily] I have tried it. Her spells are nothing. She couldn’t even cure my stomach-ache. . . . And now, off with you. I have important business. I am entertaining the Supreme Bench.
PAULA
[Defiantly] It is your duty to turn her out.
CÆ LEST IS
It is your duty to—
ANOTHER WIFE
It is your duty—
HELIOGABALUS
[Irritably] Duty! Duty! Always my duty! Well, it is my duty to—
PAULA
Do your duty and you’ll be happy.
HELIOGABALUS
A fallacy, my dill pickle. Duty may make a man able to stand a thing, but it never makes him enjoy it. Now good-night.
[He shoos them toward the door, left]
PAULA
I object! I protest!
[The other wives begin to babble, joining her pro test]
HELIOGABALUS
Enough! I order you—as Emperor! [They grow silent and slink away] Disobey, and—[They start out, HELIOGABALUS following them toward the door] The name of the evening’s nominee will reach you in due course.
PAULA
[At the door] I—
HELIOGABALUS
[Peremptorily] Guards!
[PAULA runs out, and the others crowd after her. In the scuffle, one of the wives is pushed to one side, and finds herself inside after the door bangs. It is DACIA. HELIOGABALUS, turning back toward the entrance to the banquet-room, notices her. She hasn’t said a word during the preceding scene, but has noticeably hung back. Now, facing the Emperor, she is suddenly confused, and turns toward the door in alarm. But he halts her]
HELIOGABALUS
What! Little Dacia! [She nods shyly] I didn’t notice you. I didn’t hear a word from you.
DACIA
[Ingenuously] I didn’t say anything.
HELIOGABALUS
Not a word about duty?
DACIA
No.
HELIOGABALUS
[Elaborately kissing her hand] Thank you.
DACIA
I hope you are feeling much better.
HELIOGABALUS
Thank you again. If I saw more of you, Dacia, I’d soon be well. [A pause] I heard you singing last night. It was very sweet of you.
DACIA
[Simply] I thought you might like me to do it.
HELIOGABALUS
[Now thoroughly interested] Like it? I loved it! You gave me pleasant dreams. I dreamed that things were as—as they used to be, and that—
DACIA
[Snuggling into his arms] Have you missed me?
HELIOGABALUS
Enormously! At first I wondered just what it was I missed so much, but then I knew. It was my little wifey. [He kisses her gently] Now she’s never going to leave me again.
DACIA
[With all the art of the cutie, but apparently simply] If you want me.
HELIOGABALUS
I want you every minute. [With elaborate tenderness] I was so worried about you. How did your cold get? Better? You are sure you take care of you rself? I wish you would stop wearing those very thin stockings. [Feeling of her frock] And this dress! It’s like a night-gown.
DACIA
[Coyly, burying her face on his shoulder] I have a new night-gown.
HELIOGABALUS
When am I to see it?
DACIA
You never notice such things.
HELIOGABALUS
What nonsense. Didn’t I notice the pink one—the one you worked yourself—all those forget-me-nots?
DACIA
That was the first you ever saw.
HELIOGABALUS
[Sentimentally] I’ll never forget it. Ah, those days! Those happy, happy days!
[During all this scene SIMON has occasionally peeped out from behind the hangings, his eyes popping as HELIOGABALUS grows more and more ardent. RUFINIUS has discreetly turned his back and the centurions are far to the right, also with their backs toward the centre. All the while noisy music and whoops have been coming from the banquet-hall, with occasional bursts of applause. Now and then a definite voice may be heard—probably old CAIUS’S]
DACIA
You do love me, don’t you?
HELIOGABALUS
Don’t you know it?
DACIA
I think so. But how much?
HELIOGABALUS
That much. [An enormous kiss. Then— HELIOGABALUS straightens up, glances at the banquet-room entrance, and gives a weary sigh] Well, I suppose I must go in. It’s really important—a very serious affair—the first in months. You know why there has been none. I made a lamentable error. I hate bloodshed, but I really think I’d be justified in—
[SIMON peeps from behind the hangings, his, eyes popping]
DACIA
But I’ll see you soon?
HELIOGABALUS
I should surely hope so. I nominate you number one. And I’ll make Paula number two, so there’ll be no temptation to—
DACIA
[Very demurely] You won’t be long?
HELIOGABALUS
How could I be long? [Kissing her briefly again] And don’t forget! [He whispers to her, and, as if blushing, she hides her face on his shoulder] You understand?
DACIA
[Whispers] I’ll be there.
HELIOGABALUS
And now—[Another kiss] Wear that pink one. You know. Now I must—[A sudden idea] But why not simply stay? How idiotic of we not to have thought of it! You can sit right beside me as you used to do. I’ll get away all the sooner.
DACIA
But it’s a men’s party!
HELIOGABALUS
Pish! You’d be welcome at any men’s party. Just watch how the judiciary gape at you!
DACIA
But my frock! This old thing!
HELIOGABALUS
It’s perfect! Those old rats never
look at the clothes; they look at the girl. [He takes his laurel wreath from his head and puts it on DACIA’S head] There! The last touch!
[DACIA is still doubtful and hangs back to steal a glance at herself in a pocket-mirror, but HELIOGABALUS takes her arm and they turn toward the entrance to the banquet-hall. RUFINIUS claps his hands, trumpets ring out; the two centurions step forward and draw back the hangings. A scene of gaudy splendour is revealed. The banquet-hall reaches to the back of the stage, with a floor three steps higher than that of the corridor. A superb flash of colour. There is a huge horse-shoe of a table, very low, and it is surrounded by the low couches on which the Romans reclined at meals. Around the horse-shoe are grouped the guests—senators, generals, ambassadors, judges and other magnificoes—chiefly elderly and grizzled men. CAIUS is to the left, and is quickly seen to be far gone in liquor. HELIOGABALUS’ place is in front and to the right, so that when he rises to speak his profile is toward the audience in the theatre. In the centre of the horse-shoe is a small dancing floor, and exactly in the middle of it a tall fountain, with coloured lights playing upon it. The walls of the hall are richly dec orated, and various barbaric banners show brilliant patches of colour. All the guests are in white togas, but on the shoulder of every one there is some coloured badge of rank. The musicians are far to the rear and their music is heard constantly, save when HELIOGABALUS speaks. They play strange, levantine tunes, sometimes in the old Greek modes. Translated into modern tones, their music sounds as if made by two violins, a ’cello, a zither, an oboe and a snare-drum.
As the hangings go back, and HELIOGABALUS, with DACIA on his arm, is revealed to the banqueters, there is a sudden silence. Then CAIUS springs to his feet and shouts “Vivat Imperator!” and the whole assemblage rises. The old boys stand unsteadily as he mounts the three steps and moves toward his place—it is evident that they have been dining very well. There is no cheer, but the chord of C major is sounded loudly by the musicians. This cuts off the dance that has been in progress. The dancer, half-naked, pauses irresolutely for a second, and then, full of stage-fright, leaps off the dancing floor, plunges through the standing guests to the left, and disappears. The guests all crane their necks to see DACIA]
CAIUS
[Turning tipsily as the dancer makes off] Hey, there!
HELIOGABALUS
[Taking his place, with DACIA beside him] Let us sit.
[The guests settle down, some gracefully enough, but others with much difficulty. They all continue to steal stares at DACIA]
CAIUS
[Rising unsteadily] Majesty, the dancer took to the woods. I feel I ought to apologize.
HELIOGABALUS