Damn.
I had tears in my eyes.
“You mean that?”
“I mean that.”
I loved him. I loved him so much. He always had a way of making me feeling amazing, even when I started the day feeling the opposite. He was good for me in so many ways. But was I good for him? His mom’s words were still stuck in my head. Even as we made it to the ultrasound clinic. Even as we left the car and walked inside. Even as the technician put the gel on my belly.
~ CHAPTER 48 ~
NICK
Amanda had her shirt pulled up to expose her bare stomach. Her stomach still wasn’t noticeably big, but seeing her like that, it was obvious she was pregnant. I could tell she was nervous, or maybe still preoccupied with something my mom might have said earlier. She wasn’t exactly herself, and I was having a hard time reading her. The technician squirted jelly on her skin and was now rolling the ultrasound wand across her stomach.
Our baby popped up on the screen.
With it came the sound of its heartbeat.
“That’s it,” the ultrasound technician said. “That’s your baby.”
Seeing and hearing made everything instantly ten times more real. I squeezed Amanda’s hand. Our baby! That was our little baby. I’d never seen anything this incredible, this amazing. I suddenly understood when people called life a miracle. My own heart was racing out of control. The baby kept kicking on the screen. Our baby!
“Can you feel that?” the woman asked her.
“I think so. I wasn’t sure if it was my stomach or the baby.”
“It’s the baby.”
The baby was having the time of its life, putting on a show for us.
The technician began pointing out body parts, some more obvious than others. She took screenshots on her computer and seemed to be measuring different things. Then after a couple minutes—a couple minutes where I was in complete awe—she asked, “do you want to know the sex?”
“Yes,” I said without hesitation.
“No,” Amanda answered simultaneously.
What?
“Um.” She stared at the technician’s face. “Could you write it on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope for us?”
“Sure, honey,” said the woman.
Okay, I guess we could find out later. Maybe Amanda wanted privacy when we found out. Maybe she wanted to do one of those gender reveal things. Maybe she simply wasn’t ready to know yet. As the rest of the appointment continued, I tried not to worry on this, and instead simply enjoy the moment. But I had this small ball of fear growing inside me, and it was hard to push away.
The technician printed us some pictures. She made a copy of everything and downloaded it onto a disk. We took our souvenirs and left the office. It was hot today, stepping out of the building and into the North Carolina summer air. The sun beat on us. The humidity in the air was stifling. As we walked back to my car, I had to ask, “are you okay?”
“I’m good.”
“Something feels a little off.”
“I’m fine.”
“Why didn’t you want to know the sex of the baby?”
She shrugged. We reached my car. She stood at her door, pulled at the handle, but I hadn’t unlocked it yet. I wasn’t ready just yet to let this go. “You want to do one of those gender reveal things on social media? On your Instagram?” I still followed her there. But she only posted tattoos, not really much on her personal life. Maybe she had a second account I didn’t even know about.
“God, no.”
“Why the envelope then?”
Again, she shrugged.
Fuck.
Something was really wrong.
“What do you want to do today?” I tried.
“Can you just unlock the car?”
I unlocked it. She got inside, so I did the same on my side of the car. I buckled my seatbelt, started the engine, and got the air conditioning going. But I hesitated to start driving. “What do you want to do today?” I asked again. “I took the day off. We could go to lunch. It’s almost time for lunch places to open.”
“I think you should spend the day with your mom. She seemed upset that she hadn’t seen you much since she’s been here. She’d probably appreciate some of your time.”
“She was going to the beach today with Lou and Finn. You want to do that?”
“No. No, I don’t. But you go.”
I took a breath. Sitting on a beach with my mom, Finn, and even Lou, sounded like torture. Amanda was the only person I wanted to spend time with today. “My mom has to understand that she can’t just show up unannounced for an impromptu vacation. People have jobs and lives. They can’t just drop everything to entertain her when she decides to show up. She acts like she’s doing other people a favor by visiting when in reality, it’s just really fucking inconvenient.” I took another breath. “Amanda, I live eight states away from her for a reason. I love her, but I can only take her in small doses.”
“I think I just want to go home and rest today.”
“Okay. We can do that.”
“Alone, I mean. I need some time to think. I need some time to process everything. Is that okay?”
Christ. “Yeah, that’s fine. I can drop you there. I can head into work today instead. It’s not a big deal.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I set the GPS back to her house. By the time I pulled into her driveway, I was sick to my stomach. She hadn’t spoken the entire way home. I didn’t know what was happening. Were we okay or not, or what? “Can I come back over later after work?”
“I’ll call you,” she said as she grabbed her bag off the floor of the car. “Bye, Nick. I love you.”
That was it. That was the end of our conversation.
Had I done something wrong? She’d said, I love you. Maybe that meant we were fine. But I didn’t feel fine. I felt pretty damn awful. Everything inside me wanted to follow her inside the house, demand some answers, get her to talk to me, but I didn’t want to overreact if there was no need. Maybe she just needed a little space after today’s appointment. Having this baby was a huge change. And it was her body having to accommodate that change. I wanted to respect whatever she needed at the moment. So I backed out of her driveway, I headed for work like I said I would, and I gave her the space I thought she needed.
~ CHAPTER 49 ~
NICK
Work sucked. But I went through the motions, I kept a smile on my face, and I got through it. I had a pit the size of Texas in my stomach when I left. Amanda hadn’t called all day. I wasn’t about to go back to my place tonight. Not a chance in hell. Instead, I went straight home to her house.
It’s not like she hadn’t given me a key.
Her car wasn’t in the driveway when I arrived. I went inside looking for her anyway. “Amanda,” I called out into her empty house.
No answer. Fuck.
I pushed my hands through my hair, breathing in a few deep breaths, and tried to keep my thoughts positive. Maybe she’d be home soon.
I called her number, but no answer.
I called Kill Devil Ink.
“Is Amanda in?” I asked when someone answered. I think it was John.
“Nah, she took the day off.”
“Any idea where she might be?”
“No. Sorry, bye.”
The line clicked dead.
I paced the living room. I could wait until she came home. But I knew myself. If I sat here long enough, stuck in my own thoughts, my emotions would run me over. I’d have a panic attack if I let my thoughts fester. I could already feel all that anxiety bubbling over in my stomach. And the simple truth was, Amanda could be at the grocery store for all I knew. Shopping for dinner for us. I stared at a framed photograph on her wall. It was of a pier, one of the many piers from the Outer Banks. I recognized the one in the photo because when I rode with the ATV riders, volunteering, I often passed this exact pier. There was a picture of Amanda and her father on this same pier on her desk at Kill Devil Ink.
&nbs
p; Suddenly, this flash of realization hit me. She might be there. I don’t know why, but I felt it. I knew how much her dad liked to fish. And I knew how much Amanda missed him sometimes. So I left and headed straight for the pier.
~ CHAPTER 50 ~
AMANDA
I sat on a bench at the end of Dad’s favorite pier with the envelope from my ultrasound clutched in my hands. I stared at it. Inside were the results—the sex of the baby which was growing inside me. Yesterday, I’d been so excited to find out. But today, I had this enormous weight on me that wouldn’t go away.
Bobby was on the corner of the pier. He stood with a few other older men, all of them I recognized. I’d said hi to him before I sat down. And now he chatted with the others. In the past, my dad would have been standing with them, talking with them, about the weather, about baseball, about whatever it was men talk about.
I wasn’t going to open the letter without Nick. He deserved to know at the same time I did. But I knew, under different circumstances, after opening this letter, I would have raced here. I would have raced to tell my dad. I would never have done a ‘gender reveal’ like Nick had mentioned on social media. I just would have wanted to share the news with my dad. It mattered to me that he knew.
“Hey.”
I don’t know where he came from or how he knew I was here, but suddenly Nick was here. He sat down slowly beside me on the wooden bench. I could smell his fresh scent that I loved so much. It hit me solid in the chest. His shirt rippled against his chest in the breeze. Anything I’d been thinking moments ago was lost with him so close to my skin.
“Hey,” he repeated. He leaned back against the boards.
“Hi.”
“You going to open that?” He meant the envelope.
“No.”
“Stare at it?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
I swallowed hard. I had pins and needles across my skin. I knew I’d been weird with him all day. But I worried that everything between us was magnified because of the baby. If the baby weren’t part of our equation, would Nick love me with the same intensity? And then I had to wonder, was I even right for Nick?
“Do I make your anxiety worse?” I asked point blank. “Have your panic attacks increased since you came back to North Carolina? Since we got together?”
“You overheard my mom?”
“A little bit.” I leaned forward on my knees. I felt nauseated. I knew the right thing to do would be to break up with him. End it amicably. Raise the baby together but separately. Be friends instead. Do whatever I could to not be added stress for Nick.
“What did she say that’s bothering you?”
“She questioned if me and the baby were good for your sanity. I’m not so sure she’s wrong.”
He sighed and leaned forward on his knees close to me. “My mom knows nothing about my anxiety or what keeps me sane. I kept my panic attacks from her, from my family, all through high school. Then into college. She witnessed one and reacted by putting me in therapy. Like it was a magic cure. I know therapy is great for some people. But it only gave me more anxiety. I did learn one thing from therapy though: the source of my anxiety isn’t external, it’s internal. My anxiety comes from inside me.”
His voice dropped.
“I create it. I put pressure on myself to be a certain way, to follow certain rules in social situations. I wish I didn’t do all that, but I do and it’s something I’m working on. I bottle up that anxiety until my body releases it. The baby is going to add stress. It’s a baby and babies are stressful. I don’t know how or if it will change the frequency of my panic attacks. But you.... Amanda, you’re my sanity. My happiness. My hope. I love you. I would not normally admit this, but...” He breathed out a heavy breath and sat back. “Fuck,” he whispered.
“What?” I pulled my legs up. My stomach felt as big as ever as I tried to turn toward him on the bench. “What, Nick?”
“My panic attacks… they’re going to happen whether I’m with you or not. That’s my reality. And it doesn’t matter how old I get or how many I’ve already experienced, it still scares the shit out of me each and every time. It still brings me to my knees. It’s still debilitating. It’s still the worst moment of my life every time. But you, Amanda...” He touched my face. He moved his hands to my neck. “You... when you’re close to me during one, it’s kind of like an anchor in a storm. I don’t like when people see me in those moments. I don’t like when you see me like that.” He pulled away. “But selfishly, I like when you’re there. It’s not so scary when you’re there. You’re the best thing for me. But I’m probably not the best thing for you, or for anyone. And I’m sorry for that.”
He stood up.
Where was he going?
My heart raced, but the look on his face remained calm, and there was a calmness of the pier and laughter from all the men fishing a few yards away.
He started to walk away.
What did that mean? Did that mean we were over? I sat there and watched him, feeling my heart literally vibrate through my whole body. I stood up, grabbing the envelope, and raced after him. My steps were loud on the old wooden boards. I reached him and grabbed his hand, my fingers laced with his.
“Nick, don’t go,” I muttered. “You haven’t met everyone.”
“Who?”
“My dad’s old friends. Come meet them.”
“Sure. I would love to.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I would love to.”
“Okay, good.” I smiled.
Each time he used the word ‘love’ it felt like he was saying he loved me. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed mine back. Then, as easy as that, he changed directions and started walking back with me, back toward Bobby and the other men. He met them all. He actually already knew some of them, including Bobby, from the ATV riders. He seemed causal and friendly with them, and I couldn’t tell which version of Nick they were getting. My version or the version that acted a certain way for other people. It didn’t matter. I relaxed as he spoke to them, and my heart returned to an even beat, because I realized he wasn’t going anywhere, not if I wanted him to stay.
And I did want him to stay.
I wanted him to always stay.
As we walked away about half an hour later, the sun starting to sink on the horizon on the opposite side of the island, I said to him, “Thank you for getting that impulse tattoo. And for getting me pregnant. And for coming back to North Carolina. And for being just so fucking wonderful.”
He stopped walking. He held my hand firmly so I’d stop with him.
I had tears in my eyes. I couldn’t help it. I was a little embarrassed by it and didn’t meet his eyes.
“As long as you want me with you, I’m not going anywhere,” he said. He held my face in his hands so I’d look at him. “I’m serious. I’m always going to want that. I’m always going to be yours. You inked my heart when you inked my ass.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“Sorry, that was cheesy.” He smiled back at me.
“I liked it.”
“Good. As long as you liked it.”
He kissed me and wrapped his arms around me. Nothing had ever felt so real, so overwhelmingly right. I could feel how much he loved me, how much he cared, how there was no chance in hell he’d ever walk away as casually as he’d attempted before. I stood on my toes, grabbing on to his neck, just so I could get closer to him. I kissed him back equally. He was everything to me. Nothing else mattered but us and our baby. The rest of the world, including his mother, could go to hell. He was the best thing for me too.
“Open the envelope,” he muttered once we parted. His cheeks were a little flushed.
“Now?”
“Sure. If you’re ready.”
I was, actually. Now was the perfect moment. I pulled the envelope from my pocket. I tore at the paper. I pulled out the small piece that the ultrasound technician had scribbled on. It had one word written on it.
<
br /> Girl.
~ EPILOGUE ~
NICK
Seven Months Later
I couldn’t breathe. Now was not the time for this. I was in the baby’s closet, grabbing more wipes because there had been an explosion, when I felt that familiar rush of anxiety.
I sat to the floor.
I’d been seeing a specialist. One my mother was paying out of pocket for. One I had to drive all the way to Virginia Beach to visit. A few months back, I’d told her everything. I told her how many years I’d been struggling with my panic attacks and how her family therapist hadn’t been what I needed. She was quick to research the best, and shell out the money needed to get me the real help required.
Turns out, having the right therapist helps.
I counted to ten. I pulled out this pocket compass thing I’d started carrying. It was an antique and something I’d found in Amanda’s house when we’d done a very thorough, deep clean before the baby came. She thought it might have belonged to her grandfather or great-grandfather. She’d let me have it. And now it was my focus item.
I breathed in deep breaths through my mouth, I opened the lid of the compass, focused on the details, and I thought of Amanda. Her face the night I took her to a turtle hatching on the beach. Her excitement. Her thrill. I thought I was the only one who loved seeing baby turtles crawl from the sand to the water that much. Turns out, she loved it too. She made me take her to two others this past summer. Then I thought of Amanda the day the baby was born. Our little Mia. Of that feeling of pure joy we both shared the moment the baby arrived. I’d never experienced anything like it in my life.
I took more deep breaths.
And the feeling faded. The anxiety faded.
I was now able to control one out of every three, and it was the best fucking thing. Taking more deep breaths, I stood. I grabbed the wipes off the shelf and hurried back to Amanda. She saw me tucking the compass back into my pocket as I came into the living room. She was on the floor, changing the baby’s diaper.
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