by Cathryn Cade
She sniffled and swiped her wet cheek with the back of her hand. “I...I don’t know,” she managed. “It’s just… a lot, you know?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “That it is. Are you… uh, gonna keep the baby?”
“Oh, yes—yes,” she said quickly, her heart pounding. “Is that—I mean, do you—”
“Do I want it?” he asked. “Hell, yeah. Yeah. This is great news. So, have you been to the doc yet?”
“I have an appointment tomorrow. I go to City OBGYN, so I found a doctor there. Dr. Weiss.”
“Okay. Heard good things about them. Uh, listen, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“Oh, my God. Are you married?” she gulped, freezing in place.
“What? No!” he said. “Fuck no, or I wouldn’t have hooked up with you. No, it’s… man, I really oughtta tell you this in person.”
“What?” she demanded, her heart pounding. “Mac, I swear, if you’re dying of cancer or have a rare genetic disorder, you’d better tell me right now!”
He made a strange sound, like a muffled snort of laughter. “Baby, no. No, it’s none of those things. It’s just… I’m already a dad.”
Rae’s heart pounded steadily, her pulse a strange wop-wop in her ears, so loud she nearly missed the rest of his words.
“I got a little girl. She lives in the Tri with her mama. Her name’s Cassie, and uh… she’s four.”
“Oh,” Rae said faintly. “That’s… nice.”
“Yeah, well, it is what it is. She’s a sweetheart, though, I’ll tell you. Little blonde firecracker.”
Another man’s voice called something, the words muffled.
“Okay, I gotta go,” Mac said hurriedly. “We’re movin’ out. Talk to you later. Take care of yourself, babe.”
Right. Take care of herself… had he said the same thing to his other baby mama, before he hustled off to get on with his life?
A chorus of merry, canned laughter rang from the TV. But Rae herself had never felt less like laughing.
November 10th
RaeAnn lay curled up on the sofa in her tiny sitting area.
When her front doorbell rang, she moaned.
Please don’t let this be her mother again. It was Sunday, so both Rae and her mother were off work. But the last thing Rae wanted to do right now was talk to her mother.
Ha, talk—as if she'd get a chance. It would be all Ellen talking, on and on with her peculiar brand of comfort, about how ‘RaeAnn, you’ve been monumentally stupid, but fortunately, mother is here to help you through it.’
It had only been a week since she learned she was pregnant. It felt like a year.
A bad year.
Rae was shocked by how quickly she was feeling the effects of being pregnant. She’d had a vague idea that it took longer.
But apparently, according to her cheerful OBGYN, a month was plenty of time for a woman to feel her body had been taken over by a tiny alien—one who sapped her strength, making her want to sleep all the time.
She yawned, wishing she could go back to sleep, which was what she’d been doing when the doorbell rang.
The doorbell chimed again.
Her heart skipped a beat. Maybe it was Mac. He was supposed to be home today.
But an unexpected voice called, "Rae? Sweet niece of mine, you awake? It’s Aunt Linda, here to see you."
RaeAnn's eyes flew open, and she sat up quickly. Whoa, too quickly. Her head swam with the sudden movement. She closed her eyes until the dizziness passed.
"It's unlocked," she called. “Come on in."
Her front door opened to reveal one of her favorite people in the world. RaeAnn smiled back, her heart lifting as her aunt stepped inside.
She didn't often get to spend time with her aunt, they were both busy with life—Rae being bossed around by her mother at E and Linda working from home in Yakima as an accountant. But, as was the case every time she saw Linda, Rae was struck by the physical resemblance between the sisters. Just as she was struck by how very different their personalities were, and how their clothing reflected this.
Ellen spent her days single-mindedly pursuing her goal of success with E, garbed in fashionable business-wear. Linda, on the other hand, favored denim and oversized everything, from the turquoise earrings currently dangling from her ears to the giant southwestern motif satchel slung over her shoulder.
Linda’s sandy hair was long, tied back in a tail at her nape. Her face was tanned, and she wore no makeup except mascara and bright red lipstick. Today, she was clothed in one of her more subdued ensembles—jeans, a tunic the same hue as her lipstick, and an olive cardigan. She wore turquoise flats to match her oversized turquoise earrings.
RaeAnn loved her aunt, and she admired her quirky fashion sense. She also coveted her earring collection.
Linda's hug was strong and fierce. She smelled of perfume and peppermints, which she sucked on when she got the urge for a cigarette. If she was craving a smoke, that meant she’d already talked to her sister.
She rocked Rae side-to-side. "Hey, sweet girl. How are you doing?"
Tears pressed hot and sharp against the back of Rae's eyes at this display of unconditional love and affection.
She blinked back the tears. All she'd done lately was cry—she was sick of it. She’d cried on the phone when she called to share the news of her pregnancy with her aunt.
Even looking at baby animals on FB memes made her cry, and she’d used nearly an entire box of tissues last evening watching a Hallmark movie.
"I'm okay," she managed.
"Mm-hmm, honey." Linda spoke softly as she urged Rae to sit, then eased down next to her.
Linda took Rae's chin in her palm, her brown eyes gentle and searching as she carefully took in her niece's appearance. "That's good to hear. Now if only I believed it."
This time, Rae’s tears did overflow. "It's—I'm... Everything is terrible," she wept. "Here I am, pregnant, un-married, and mom is... She's just being such a bitch. And I know—I get it, all right? I've disappointed her. Not too thrilled with myself. But here we are."
Her aunt tipped her head to one side, her expression warm and empathetic. "Hmm, you two aren't getting along any better? When we talked last month, I thought things were going more smoothly." Rarely did more than three weeks go by without the two of them chatting.
RaeAnn snorted, and regretted it immediately, because tears inevitably meant snot. She rose and hurried to grab a tissue from the box on her kitchen counter. On second thought, she grabbed the box.
She blew her nose and turned back to her aunt. "No, we're not getting along any better. And honestly? I don't think we ever will. All I do is disappoint her. And it's not like I don't try to be what she wants—I just can't seem to do it."
Linda sighed. “Oh, honey, I don’t think it’s you who disappoint her… I think it’s more that when you don’t want what she gives you, she feels like she’s failing you.”
RaeAnn frowned as she tried to take this in. “Well… but then, why punish me for that?”
“People are funny, the way we twist things around inside of us,” Linda said, a faraway look in her eyes. Then she blinked, and the moment was gone.
She leaned back on the sofa, crossing her legs gracefully. "So, let me ask you this. Are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to be what your mother wants for you? Or is it time to do what you want?"
Rae stared at her, puzzled. She wiped her wet cheeks with the tissues and sniffled again. "This is not exactly the best time to strike out on my own. I've really messed up everything now."
"And what about the daddy?" her aunt asked. "Is he someone you want to be with?" Her questions were so calm, and matter of fact, so lacking in judgment that Rae felt she could answer them honestly. She'd never had to hide anything from Aunt Linda, unlike her own mother.
"No. I mean... I don't know." She sighed miserably. "Mac is... he's so attractive. And so easy to be with. But he seems to be more interested in partying tha
n anything else, if you know what I mean. And best of all—" she laughed bitterly tipping her head back to stare at the ceiling. "He has another kid—a little girl. She lives in the Tri-Cities with her mama. So, I'm not even his first baby mama. And who knows, I might not be the last." Her voice breaking with tears again, she dropped onto the sofa beside her aunt and burst into tears.
Because here she was, pregnant with his baby, and for him it wasn't even anything special—or if it was, he hadn’t said so when they talked.
This had been tormenting her all week, the idea that for him she was just one in a line of hookups with consequences.
And logically, she knew he hadn’t exactly had time to share how he felt about the baby in their hurried conversation, but he could have called her from the Tri-Cities, or once he got home.
Unless he just didn’t care.
"Oh, sweetie." Her aunt gave her a side hug and stroked Rae's back as she wept.
When Rae had control of herself again, Linda spoke. "Okay, so your Mac is an unknown at this point. And your mom is kind of a negative. Let's look for some positives. Do you want the baby? You have choices, you know."
RaeAnn mopped her face again and rose to toss the sodden wad of used tissues in the garbage, thinking hard. She did have choices—abortion or adoption were two of them. And she got why women might choose either of them.
But for her… the answer appeared in her mind like a bright star.
"Yes," she said, her hand resting protectively on her still flat belly. "I do—I want this baby. Crazy, I know, but she or he is mine."
Her aunt nodded, smiling warmly. "Okay then. That's one positive. Then let's look at what you and baby are going to do."
Rae frowned, puzzled. "Um, what do you mean?"
Her aunt gave her a patient smile. "I mean, what are you going to do with the rest of your life? You're going to be a mother. I've never been one, so I'm speaking in theory here, but aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids to go after their dreams? Inspire them through example?”
Rae nodded. "Well, sure. They are, and—and I will." She wasn't sure how that would work, but she wanted to be the best mother possible for this baby.
Linda held up a hand, examining her nails, which were short and red. "Hmmm. And how are you going to do that, if you are stuck in a career that you hate?"
RaeAnn glowered at her beloved aunt. But when Linda returned the look with a smirk that said she was right and they both knew it, Rae reluctantly smiled back.
"I don't know," she said. "Why don't you tell me, since you're so smart?"
Her aunt nodded grandly. "I'm so glad that you asked, because here's what we're going to do. You're going to tell me what you really want to do with the rest of your life, and then I'm going to help you make that happen."
A picture sprang into RaeAnn’s mind, so vivid it was if she was looking through a window into her own future.
She saw herself standing behind a client chair, in a chic salon like Lavish Locks, a woman seated in the chair while Rae worked on her hair.
Both Rae and her client were smiling as Rae worked her magic, giving her client the hairdo she'd always wanted, one that would enhance her best features and be at the forefront of current style.
"I want to be a hairstylist," she blurted, giving voice to a barely articulated dream. "I want to go to beauty school, but..." She sighed heavily, rubbing her belly again. "That's not going to happen now."
"Ah–ah–ah," Linda shook her head reprovingly. "Please, don't give up before you even start."
She smiled at Rae. "I would like very much to be one of your positives."
"You are!" Rae hurried to the sofa and sat beside her aunt again, grabbing her hand. "You've always been a big, big positive for me."
Linda gave her a bright look. "Oh, sweetie. Same here. You are my favorite niece—well, you are my only niece, but if I had ten, you'd still be my favorite."
Rae laughed. "Thanks. If I had ten aunts, you'd still be my favorite, too."
"Right. So, here's how I want to be your positive in this situation." Linda's expression went serious. "Listen and don't argue. I make a very good living–-a very, very good living—and someday when I die, you are going to get whatever I don’t spend. I want to give some of that to you now, and I want you to use it to get going on your dreams.”
Rae gaped at her. “But—"
Linda nodded at her niece’s belly. “Yes, you're pregnant, and you're going to be a mama. But that's no reason why you can't follow your dream. Your mother did it, with you. You'll enroll in beauty school, and that will be your full-time job—being the very best beauty school student possible. And when you're finished, you'll get a job, and the baby can go to day-care. You will be doing what you want to do, and showing this baby how to follow his or her dreams. Not just telling, showing."
Rae had no words. She knew her mouth was hanging open and she probably looked like a sad panda with eye makeup under her eyes, but her mind was so full and so was her heart, which felt as if it could burst right out of her chest.
"Are you sure?" she asked, her voice cracking
Linda smiled warmly. "I'm sure, sweetie. Matter of fact, I am positive."
RaeAnn discovered it was very possible to laugh and cry at the same time. Leaning her head on her aunt’s shoulder, she nodded. "Yes," she mumbled. "Yes, you are. You are the biggest positive ever."
And Rae was going to grab the opportunity her aunt had just handed her and hold on with both hands, no matter what.
Linda walked back to the main house at four, saying she should help with dinner.
RaeAnn’s tummy growled when her aunt mentioned food. She was starting to get her appetite back, and by suppertime she was ravenous. “What are we having?” With Linda here, her mother would expect Rae at the meal.
“Chicken cordon bleu,” Linda said cheerily. “I saw the Schwans’ frozen foods truck driving away as I drove in.”
They shared a chuckle. Ellen did not like to cook. She was, however, an expert at ordering in and reheating.
“Good, then I’ll be on time,” Rae said. “See you later.”
She went to take a shower, style her hair, and put on some makeup. She might not be able to toast her good fortune with alcohol, but she was definitely celebrating.
She just hoped her mother would celebrate with her.
In her mother’s tastefully appointed dining room, RaeAnn waited until they’d finished their excellent supper of salad, rolls, tiny peas, and chicken stuffed with the goodness of melted cheese and ham. Then she patted her lips with her napkin and sat back.
“Delicious, mom,” she said. “Thank you.”
“Very good,” Linda agreed. “One of my favorites.”
“Thank you,” Ellen said, ignoring the fact that she hadn’t prepared the main course.
Rae took a sip of her ginger ale. “So, mom,” she said. “I have news to share.” She looked to Linda, who smiled encouragingly.
Ellen frowned slightly. “You’re not getting engaged to that man.”
“No, mom.” Rae chose not to mention that she hadn’t seen ‘that man’ as her mother called Mac, since he’d learned of the baby. “This is about me. About my plans. I’m going to enroll in beauty school. But don’t worry, I won’t be asking you for help. Linda’s offered to pay my tuition.”
“After which I will expect free haircuts for life,” Linda said with a wink.
“Of course,” Rae grinned. “The least I can do to repay you.”
Ellen Denton glared at her younger sister, her lips trembling with fury.
"Have you lost your mind?" She clutched her table knife as if she would like to use it on Linda. "As if my daughter does not have enough on her plate—an unwanted pregnancy, and a demanding career already—you come here, and fill her head with this nonsense."
Ellen shook her head in disgust and glared at RaeAnn for good measure. "And I can't believe you are buying into this daydream. After all I've done building a business to s
upport the both of us—one that you can take over when I retire..." She put a hand to her throat as if one of them had stabbed her there.
Too bad Ellen wasn’t wearing pearls, RaeAnn thought sourly. She could clutch them.
Rae sagged back in her chair as her newfound hope began to fizzle. Oh, heck. Why had she even thought this would work?
But Linda sighed loudly. "Oh, put a sock in it, Ellen. You built your business because it was your dream, because you wanted it, not as some grand legacy for your daughter."
"As if you'd know anything about what it's like to be a parent," Ellen snapped, spots of red flaring on her cheeks.
Linda held up a placating hand. "You're right, I don't have the perspective of a parent. But you got to choose your own career and so did I. Shouldn't your daughter have that same right?"
Ellen gave Rae a wounded look. "Not when she has a fabulous business just waiting for her to step into—one that her own mother has worked night and day to build."
Linda picked up her wine glass and toasted her sister with it. "Brava, brava. Such a touching performance. I'll run out right after dinner and buy you a dozen red roses."
Rae stared at her aunt in surprise. That was kind of cold.
Linda caught her look and shook her head. "Oh, honey. D’you mean your mother has never told you the story about how she walked away from the business ready for her to step into? Her own ‘family legacy’?" Linda sketched air quotes.
Ellen huffed and tossed her head. "That was different, and you know it. No one wants to sit around all day with a calculator in their hand and crunch numbers." Her gaze flying to Linda, she snapped her mouth shut.
"Oh," Linda said, her voice dry as dust. "You mean, like me?" She looked to Rae. "You see, our dad wanted your mom, as his eldest, to take over his accounting business. But she dreamed of a career in fashion. She nearly broke his heart, until I pointed out that I wanted to take over the business."
Ellen looked haunted. "I've never been good with numbers anyway," she muttered, fiddling again with her table knife.
"I know, I do your books," Linda replied, but she did it smiling at her sister.
Ellen rolled her eyes but she managed to smile back.