by E. L. Todd
When I woke up the next morning, Colton was smothered into me, cuddling me just the way he did when we were married. Last night had been a difficult night for him, so when he asked to sleep over, I didn’t object.
A part of me thought it was wrong because of my recent fight with Jax.
But Colton was going through a really difficult time, and it would have been wrong for me to say no.
I carefully snuck out of bed and headed into the kitchen so I could make breakfast for Colton. I was no chef, but pancakes were easy to whip up. All I had to do was put the bacon in the oven and scramble some eggs on the stovetop. Anyone could do that.
I tried to stay quiet as I prepared everything, making sure not to disturb Colton as much as possible. The dinner had gone much worse than any of us expected. I knew his parents well enough to understand they wouldn’t be thrilled by the news, but I didn’t expect them to be so cold either.
And I didn’t expect them to be so personally offended by what he did to me.
I’d been close with his mom since I met her. We went shopping together often, had lunch several times a month, and she’d been the mother I never had. Maybe she was particularly kind to me because she knew I didn’t have a family of my own. Or maybe she just really adored me. Whatever her feeling was, she’d been so compassionate, and I would never forget that.
That made this situation so difficult because I didn’t outright hate her for her reaction. I knew she was struggling with the pain that her son lost a woman she loved. She wanted us to be together, and she couldn’t comprehend a reality where we weren’t. His father felt the same way.
She was protective of me like I was her own daughter, even when I wasn’t her daughter anymore.
It only reminded me how painful our divorce was. I didn’t just lose him as my husband, but I lost his family as my in-laws. I still wished Colton wasn’t gay. I still wished we could have a family, grow old together, and die together.
But that would never happen.
We were just friends now—and we would only be friends.
A knock sounded on the door.
I was dressed in an oversized t-shirt that I probably stole from Colton a long time ago. The only person who could be at the door was Finn. He was always up early, so he probably wanted to check on his brother.
I cracked the door open and hid most of my body from view. “Hey…” My mouth closed when I came face-to-face with Jax, who was holding a handful of red roses. “Ooh…what a surprise.”
“I’ve been thinking about my behavior a lot lately…and I wanted to apologize.” He held the roses out to me. “I yelled at you when I shouldn’t have. I rushed things when I shouldn’t have. I know we already made up, but I’m still sorry.”
“Thank you…” I took the roses from his hand and released the door. It automatically crept open and revealed the apartment behind me. The roses were a touching gesture and closure to that terrible fight, but all I could think about was the fact that Colton slept in my bed last night—and he could wake up any minute.
Jax watched me smell the roses and then sniffed the air. “Are you cooking?”
“Yeah, I was making breakfast.”
“You?” he asked in surprise. “I thought you didn’t know how to cook.”
“I don’t,” I said. “But I can make some pancakes and stuff. I just thought—”
The universe conspired against me, and Colton stepped out of the bedroom. Thankfully, he put on all his clothes, but since I only had a one-bedroom apartment, it was obvious where he came from. “Something smells good.” He stepped into the living room, noticed Jax in the doorway, and smiled. “Hey, man. Roses…nice touch.” He gave a thumbs-up before he kept walking and entered the kitchen.
Jax’s contrite attitude immediately disappeared. He glanced at my bedroom, looked at what I was wearing, and then looked a million times more pissed than he had during our last fight. His eyes bored into mine like plumes of lava were about to erupt.
Shit.
He shook his head slightly then stepped back. “Goodbye, Pepper.” He headed down the hallway and didn’t look back.
I didn’t chase after him because I wasn’t dressed for it, and I also didn’t see the point. Jax just saw me in my worst light. Anyone else would have reacted the exact same way—and I couldn’t convince him not to be angry.
I shut the door and tossed the roses on the coffee table.
Colton took over the stove and flipped the pancake before scooping it onto a plate. “You didn’t have to do this.”
Normally, I would tell Colton everything that had just happened, spill my heart out to him. But I couldn’t do that, not after what he was suffering through. It would be selfish. Plus, it would make him feel worse if he thought he was responsible for Jax dumping me. “I wanted to. But now that you’re up, you’re going to help me.”
“I figured. We want this to be edible, after all.”
After Colton went back to his apartment, I tried to make things right with Jax.
I showed up at his doorstep around five in the evening, taking an Uber to his neighborhood. It’d just started to rain, and thankfully, he had a patio cover over his front doorstep. I rang the doorbell and hoped he would answer.
Footsteps sounded through the foyer, and judging by the distinct sound, they carried a man’s weight.
There was a long bout of silence that followed. Jax probably looked through the peephole and debated whether he should open the door or not. I was the last person he wanted to see right now.
But he opened the door anyway.
He stared at me with the same coldness, the same hatred. He kept one hand on the doorknob like he considered shutting it in my face. He didn’t say a word, the vein on his forehead doing all the yelling.
“Let me explain, okay?”
He raised his hand, silently giving me the floor. “Go ahead. Explain to me why your ex-husband slept over last night and you were wearing pretty much nothing. Explain to me why you cooked him breakfast this morning, like you’re still that married couple you used to be. Yes, I’m curious how you’re going to spin this.”
I already knew this was going to end terribly. When I left his house tonight, it would be for the last time. Jax was too angry to forgive me this time. Since I didn’t really blame him, I didn’t see the point in fighting. “We had dinner with his parents last night. He told them the truth, that he was gay and we’ve been divorced for a long time—”
“Not long enough, apparently.”
I kept going. “When we came home, Colton was in a really dark place. He asked to sleep over, and I didn’t say no.”
“That’s what a couch is for.”
“Well, he didn’t want the couch. All we did was sleep.”
“Even if that’s the truth, it’s still completely inappropriate. You say you don’t love this guy, but you obviously do.”
“I never said I didn’t love him. I’m just not in love with him.”
His jaw clenched. “Same difference.”
“It’s not the same at all. I’m sorry that it happened, and I understand why you’re so angry. I don’t blame you.”
“I don’t blame me either.”
“But…he’s my best friend. He needed me last night, and I’m not going to turn him down. It’s not like this happens often. It’s never happened at all, actually. It wouldn’t be any different if he were Stella or Tatum.”
“But you weren’t married to either of them.”
“So?” I countered. “I know you don’t understand what it’s like to have a best friend the way I do. There will always be love between us, but it’s not romantic love. I don’t feel bad for being there for him, not when he’s my family. Colton is definitely gay, so there’s no reason for you to feel threatened.”
“Maybe you’ll never hook up again, but I don’t want my girlfriend to be in love with her ex-husband while she’s seeing me.”
“Well, I’m not…and that’s all I can say.”
&
nbsp; He lowered his hand from the doorknob, but not because he was less angry. “It’s completely inappropriate, and I won’t change my mind about that. When I saw him walk out of your bedroom, I was so angry.”
“I know. I don’t blame you.”
He stared at me, his eyes still angry but slowly waning.
“I wanted to explain what happened. I didn’t want you to think I just sleep with him for the hell of it. It was an unusual circumstance. I just…wanted you to know that.”
He shifted his gaze to the floor as he crossed his arms over his chest.
It seemed like the conversation was over, so there was no reason for me to stay. “Goodbye, Jax. I’m sorry…about everything.” I turned away and prepared to stand in the rain until another Uber could pick me up. Good thing I had my umbrella.
“Pepper.”
I turned back around, hoping he would give me another chance, not that I deserved one.
“I can let this go if it never happens again.”
If I explained to Colton why it couldn’t happen again, he would understand. He wanted me to move on and be happy. “That’s fair.”
“But I can’t let this go unless you stop seeing him.”
I looked into his green eyes as I heard what he said. The rain poured into the driveway and the street, the sound of the heavy raindrops surrounding us. This man just gave me an ultimatum, that I had to drop Colton if I wanted to keep him. “That’s—”
“Take it or leave it. No compromise. If you really want to move on with your life, you need to let him go. If you think I’m the only man who’s going to have a problem with this, you’re wrong. Being this close to your ex-husband will sabotage every relationship you ever have. Get a new apartment, cut him out of your life, and be with me. Or continue to live across the hall from your ex-husband, continue to have your sleepovers, continue to have this deep and intimate relationship with him instead of finding a new man to spend your life with. It’s your choice.”
I couldn’t picture my life without Colton, but I couldn’t argue with Jax’s reasoning. If I continued to have this close relationship with my ex, every man I met would be scared off by it. It was definitely a turnoff. Jax wasn’t the psycho jealous type of man. He was easygoing and reasonable, but he couldn’t look past this.
“Pepper.”
I lifted my gaze to meet his, feeling so much pain in my heart. “I can’t live without him…” I wanted to move on and find a man I would fall deeply in love with. I wanted to have a family, to live in a beautiful house just like this. But I also wanted Colton to come over for Super Bowl Sunday, for the holidays, and for game night. I needed a man who accepted Colton as my past, present, and future. The odds of that were slim, but I had to try.
Jax sighed to himself as my words stung him. His nostrils flared with annoyance, and his eyes shut like I’d insulted him. He grabbed the doorknob again and prepared to shut the door in my face. “Goodbye, Pepper.”
Despite the use of my umbrella, I was still pretty wet from the rain. But the damp coldness didn’t affect my mood.
I was too bummed out to care about the rain.
My feet immediately carried me to Colton’s apartment, the place I used to live when I was married. Talking to Colton about this was a bad idea, but I didn’t know where else to go. I didn’t knock before I stepped inside.
Finn sat in the armchair, reading a thick book on his lap. His eyes glanced up, and he looked at me. “What were you doing in the rain?”
I set my umbrella in the sink then came back to him. “Colton here?”
“No.” He shut his book and set it on the end table. “He’s at Zach’s.”
“Oh…” I could use the company right now, but I felt awkward running to Zach’s place when Colton already had his own pain to deal with. I stayed rooted to the spot instead of leaving, not sure what to do.
Finn stared at me for a while before he rose to his feet and came toward me. Like always, he was in just his sweatpants, his ink acting as his t-shirt. He stopped in front of me and examined the hurt in my eyes, absorbing my pain like he could physically see it. “What’s wrong, baby?”
I didn’t even care about the use of the nickname. I didn’t care about anything at that moment. Losing Jax wasn’t the worst part. It was the terror that I might never find a man I loved, a man who could compete with Colton. “It’s a long story…”
“Well, I’m off tonight, so I’ve got the time.” He stepped closer to me. “Talk to me.” His blue eyes shifted back and forth as he looked into mine, his look soft for once. He was normally cold and hostile, the last person you would want to confide in, but when it was just us two, he seemed like the most understanding man in the world. He soothed my pain with just his presence. He made me feel safe when I wasn’t scared in the first place.
“Well, Colton slept over last night as you know. When I woke up in the morning, I made some breakfast. I didn’t change my clothes, so I was just wearing a long t-shirt with my hair in a bun.”
He was a foot away from me, his eyes glued to my face like every word was more interesting than the last.
“Then Jax stopped by….and watched Colton walk out of my bedroom.”
His eyes narrowed slightly, immediately understanding the problem.
“He’d brought me roses to apologize for the night before, but when he saw Colton…he left.”
His eyes softened in sympathy.
“I just went to his place to explain what happened. He was understanding, to a certain degree. But he said he couldn’t make this work unless I stopped seeing Colton altogether. As in, permanently.”
Finn sighed quietly and rubbed the back of his neck. Even with just the slight change of expression, he was so sexy. Whether he was angry, indifferent, or concerned, he looked handsome no matter what. This caring side of him was particularly attractive. “What did you say?”
“The only thing I could say…no.”
Finn didn’t look surprised by my answer.
“I wanted to make it work with Jax…but I can’t live without Colton.”
Finn moved into my chest and wrapped his arms around me. His thick arms cradled me with the strongest support in the world. His chin rested on my head, and he blanketed me with his smell, of body soap from the shower.
I rested my cheek against his chest, listening to his strong heartbeat.
His hand moved into the back of my hair. “I’m sorry, baby.”
“I know…”
His lips tilted down, and he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, his full lips soft and warm to the touch. His fingers cradled the back of my neck as he held me against him, carried the burden of my weight with no effort.
That kiss chased away most of my pain. Being in his arms was the most comfortable place for me, a safe haven where no one could ever touch me. Something about Finn made me feel like I was home, made me feel like I was surrounded by unconditional love. I’d never felt this safe, not even with Colton.
That was exactly why I pulled away. Last time we were too affectionate, bad things happened. After the night I’d had, I couldn’t afford to get myself into more trouble. Finn was my weakness, a man I couldn’t have. I shouldn’t tempt myself, not even with something as innocent as a hug. “Let’s keep this to ourselves, okay?”
“Why?”
“I don’t want Colton to know.”
“But you tell him everything.” He let me step back, but he kept his hand on the back of my neck, touching me even when I didn’t want him to.
“Because he’ll feel terrible. He’ll know he’s the reason Jax left. He’s going through so much right now that I don’t want to make it worse. It doesn’t matter anyway…it’s not going to change anything.”
Finn shook his head slightly, like he didn’t agree with that statement.
“Promise me?”
He shook his head again, this time more decisive. “Real men don’t make promises. Their word is good enough.”
My eyes softened. “Thank yo
u.”
“Then what are you going to tell him?”
I shrugged. “It just didn’t work out.”
He gave a slight nod. “Alright.”
The conversation was over, so we just stared at each other, the longing burning inside us both. Anytime we were alone in a room together, the heat rose like the thermostat had been cranked up high. It could be freezing cold, but I could feel the sweat drip down the back of my neck. This man made me illogical, made me disloyal. He was the one man in the world who was off-limits, and I’d just ended a relationship with a great guy for Colton. It didn’t make sense to throw that relationship away. “I should go…”
Finn didn’t try to dissuade me.
When I was vulnerable like this, I wanted to lie on that couch with his arms around me. I wanted those lips against my forehead…as well as in other places. Maybe it was just because I was upset that I felt that way. Until I felt better, I should be alone.
He didn’t argue with me, probably because he felt the same way. “Alright. You know where I am if you need me.”
I turned to the door and felt his eyes drill into my back. I could feel the heat of his gaze, that he wanted me and wanted to hold me at the same time. Jax was an attractive man with a lot of qualities, but I’d never felt this intensity with him. I’d never felt it with anyone, not even Colton. I finally got into the hallway and shut the door.
The spell was broken. The temperature decreased. His stare was interrupted, so I felt myself breathe again once more.
Until I saw him again.
Also by E. L. Todd
Now that Jax is gone and I'm single once again, I'm supposed to be finding Mr. Right.
But Finn is the only guy I want.
Every time we're in the same room together, the heat is explosive. We can barely look at each other without our hands shaking. As days turn into weeks, our resolve softens.
And then we can't fight it anymore.
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