by A. A. Milne
That say thou art a man: Diana's lip
Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe
Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,
And all is semblative a woman's part.
I know thy constellation is right apt
For this affair. Some four or five attend him;
All, if you will; for I myself am best
When least in company. Prosper well in this,
And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,
To call his fortunes thine.
* * *
VIOLA
I'll do my best
To woo your lady:
Aside
yet, a barful strife!
Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.
Exeunt
Scene V. Olivia's House.
Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
* * *
Clown
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
world needs to fear no colours.
* * *
MARIA
Make that good.
* * *
Clown
He shall see none to fear.
* * *
MARIA
A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that
saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'
* * *
Clown
Where, good Mistress Mary?
* * *
MARIA
In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
* * *
Clown
Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those
that are fools, let them use their talents.
* * *
MARIA
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,
to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
* * *
Clown
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,
for turning away, let summer bear it out.
* * *
MARIA
You are resolute, then?
* * *
Clown
Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.
* * *
MARIA
That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both
break, your gaskins fall.
* * *
Clown
Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if
Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
* * *
MARIA
Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my
lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
* * *
Exit
* * *
Clown
Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may
pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'
Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
God bless thee, lady!
* * *
OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
* * *
Clown
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
* * *
OLIVIA
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
besides, you grow dishonest.
* * *
Clown
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
that's mended is but patched: virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
* * *
OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.
* * *
Clown
Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not
motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
prove you a fool.
* * *
OLIVIA
Can you do it?
* * *
Clown
Dexterously, good madonna.
* * *
OLIVIA
Make your proof.
* * *
Clown
I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse
of virtue, answer me.
* * *
OLIVIA
Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
* * *
Clown
Good madonna, why mournest thou?
* * *
OLIVIA
Good fool, for my brother's death.
* * *
Clown
I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
* * *
OLIVIA
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
* * *
Clown
The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
* * *
OLIVIA
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
* * *
MALVOLIO
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:
infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the
better fool.
* * *
Clown
God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be
sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his
word for two pence that you are no fool.
* * *
OLIVIA
How say you to that, Malvolio?
* * *
MALVOLIO
I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day
with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard
already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to
him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,
that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better
than the fools' zanies.
* * *
OLIVIA
Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
with a distempered appetite. To be generous,
guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those
things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:
there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do
nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
man, though he do nothing but reprove.
* * *
Clown
Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
speakest well of fools!
Re-enter MARIA
* * *
MARIA
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
desires to speak with you.
* * *
OLIVIA
From the Count Orsino, is it?
* * *
MARIA
I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
* * *
OLIVIA
Who of my people hold him in delay?
* * *
MARIA
Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
* * *
OLIVIA
Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but
madman: fie on him!
Exit MARIA
Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I
am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.
Exit MALVOLIO
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
people dislike it.
* * *
Clown
Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with
brains! for,—here he comes,—one of thy kin has a
most weak pia mater.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH
* * *
OLIVIA
By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
A gentleman.
* * *
OLIVIA
A gentleman! what gentleman?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Tis a gentle man here—a plague o' these
pickle-herring! How now, sot!
* * *
Clown
Good Sir Toby!
* * *
OLIVIA
Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
* * *
OLIVIA
Ay, marry, what is he?
* * *
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give
me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
Exit
* * *
OLIVIA
What's a drunken man like, fool?
* * *
Clown
Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one
draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads
him; and a third drowns him.
* * *
OLIVIA
Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my
coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's
drowned: go, look after him.
* * *
Clown
He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look
to the madman.
Exit
Re-enter MALVOLIO
* * *
MALVOLIO
Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with
you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to
understand so much, and therefore comes to speak
with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to
have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore
comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
lady? he's fortified against any denial.
* * *
OLIVIA
Tell him he shall not speak with me.
* * *
MALVOLIO
Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your
door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to
a bench, but he'll speak with you.
* * *
OLIVIA
What kind o' man is he?
* * *
MALVOLIO
Why, of mankind.
* * *
OLIVIA
What manner of man?
* * *
MALVOLIO
Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
* * *
OLIVIA
Of what personage and years is he?
* * *
MALVOLIO
Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for
a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a
cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him
in standing water, between boy and man. He is very
well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one
would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
* * *
OLIVIA
Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.
* * *
MALVOLIO
Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
Exit
Re-enter MARIA
* * *
OLIVIA
Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.
We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
Enter VIOLA, and Attendants
* * *
VIOLA
The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
* * *
OLIVIA
Speak to me; I shall answer for her.
Your will?
* * *
VIOLA
Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,—I
pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,
for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away
my speech, for besides that it is excellently well
penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good
beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very
comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
* * *
OLIVIA
Whence came you, sir?
* * *
VIOLA
I can say little more than I have studied, and that
question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me
modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,
that I may proceed in my speech.
* * *
OLIVIA
Are you a comedian?
* * *
VIOLA
No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs
of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you
the lady of the house?
* * *
OLIVIA
If I do not usurp myself, I am.
* * *
VIOLA
Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp
yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours
to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will
on with my speech in your praise, and then show you
the heart of my message.
* * *
OLIVIA
Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.
* * *
VIOLA
Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
* * *
OLIVIA
It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,
keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,
and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you
than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if
you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of
moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
* * *
MARIA
Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
* * *
VIOLA
No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little
longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet
lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.
* * *
OLIVIA
Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when
the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
* * *
VIOLA
It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of
war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my
hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.
* * *
OLIVIA
Yet you began rudely. Wh
at are you? what would you?
* * *
VIOLA
The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I
learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I
would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,
divinity, to any other's, profanation.
* * *
OLIVIA
Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.
Exeunt MARIA and Attendants
Now, sir, what is your text?
* * *
VIOLA