by Joey W. Hill
“Yeah.”
“Do you ever regret binding yourself to either one of them, despite that dark side?”
His midnight blue gaze flickered. “No,” he said.
“Because you love them both more than that darkness. You’ll go to hell for them if they ask it.”
“And even if they don’t. But I’ve been to hell, Ella. Long before I met them.”
So had she. But she didn’t say that. She just wondered if it was a factor, what drew people like her and Gideon to vampires, brought them across their paths.
She scooted her butt to the edge of the dock, intending to hop down, but he closed his hand on her arm, made her give him her other hand, and lifted her down so she didn’t have to worry about stumbling on the uneven asphalt below.
She snagged another bag of trail mix when he encouraged her to take it, and headed back to her car. Krista had an old Volkswagen bug straight gear that she didn’t drive that much, so she let Ella borrow it whenever she wanted, to keep it in running shape.
It smelled like comfortable old car inside, and had seats that were ripped and broken in. A silk flower lei in multiple faded colors and Shelly’s graduation cap tassel still hung from the mirror. Ella had kept them there, adding a little crystal she’d picked up at a secondhand store. It caught the light, swaying back and forth as she puttered along.
As she pulled away, she saw Gideon was still watching her. He was concerned. She was sorry about that, but not about talking to him. He’d given her a lot to think about. She needed to digest it before she could figure out what it was all supposed to mean to her.
Or how to handle the fact her overwhelming desire to belong to Wolf fully hadn’t abated at all, despite knowing far more about what that could mean.
Gideon said the third mark was past the point of no return. She couldn’t help wondering if, for a human destined to be a full servant, that point was reached much earlier than the third marking.
Chapter Twenty
Several nights later, it was time to go see Lonnie. Keeping her promise, somewhat, she reached out in her mind to Wolf. At seven o’clock, she told him she was going at eight, and if he wasn’t available, that was okay. He was neck deep in working with Fort and his team on the security updates, after all.
She received an absent acknowledgment from him, telling her she’d likely dodged a bullet, which brought relief and perverse disappointment. Not about him accompanying her to Lonnie’s; she was sure she could handle that on her own, and hated inconveniencing him to go with her. She just wanted to see him.
Or maybe not. She wasn’t sure she could see Wolf without asking him the one question that had remained at the top of her mind after her discussion with Gideon. The one question that seemed to contain the answer to all the others.
She had no right to ask it except, if the answer wasn’t what she hoped, she wasn’t sure she could be with him at all. Even just as a second mark.
At quarter to eight, she was in the driveway, about to open the Volkswagen’s door, when the rumbling of an engine drew her gaze to the road. Wolf’s truck pulled up to the curb, blocking the driveway. He had the window down, his arm resting on the frame. His short sleeved blue shirt drew her gaze to his muscled arm, which saved her having to look directly into his reproving eyes.
“An hour’s heads up? Thought we had a deal.”
“We do,” she said, though her cheeks colored. She walked to the end of the driveway, stopping a couple steps short of the open window. “I just wasn’t going to hold you to it. You didn’t really say anything when I told you. You didn’t specifically tell me to wait.”
“I thought I was very specific the other night.”
She flushed, because yes, he had been. “Yes, sir.”
“It’s okay.” He grunted. “You don’t have expectations. I remember. It means I need to keep being pretty clear about my own until you understand. My fault.”
He put the truck in park and got out. His lower body was clad in jeans that fit just right and boots, a look that had Mrs. Sweet, two doors down, severely overwatering her pansies.
When Ella stood there, obviously waffling, he lifted a brow. He offered her a hand, she assumed to guide her around to the passenger side. Not taking that hand was really hard, but she knew if she did, it would be even more difficult to keep her resolve. She shifted from one foot to another. Slipped her hands in her back pockets. She’d gone simple and functional tonight. Jeans and a lavender T-shirt. “I…I talked to Gideon. About things.”
“Yeah?” He lowered the hand, studying her with his sharp eyes.
“I need to ask you a question. I get that I don’t really have the right to pry into your life past a certain point. You’ve made that clear. So, if you don’t want to answer, I’ll accept that. But if you can’t answer it, or if the answer is something I can’t…accept, I can’t be with you anymore. At all. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
She’d started to quiver the second she said the words, her throat closing up as if to try and prevent them from escaping. But she hadn’t seen any reason to wait. Best to get it over with, make the cut clean and brutal. Even now, every cell in her body was screaming in protest, wanting to be close to him. His scent and heat, those strong arms and warm chest. It shouldn’t matter this much. She hadn’t known him that long, she’d get over it fast, it was just hormones. All bullshit. Everything in her wanted to withdraw the question. But she couldn’t. Not and be true to herself.
“Okay. Ask your question, Ella.”
No one was close enough to hear, but she’d still keep it simple. “Thirteen a year…or just one? The one you have to have.”
He adopted that expressionless mask she knew. Until recently, it was the face she saw most often. The loss of being able to know what lay behind it, the trust it implied she’d earned until this moment, hit her hard. She couldn’t apologize, but suddenly, she didn’t want to know. She’d rather just sever the relationship without ever knowing.
“It’s okay,” she said, backpedaling toward the Bug. “Don’t worry about it. Please forget I asked. We can go back to the way we were at the club, before, and—”
Her voice broke. He reached out and clasped her arm. He drew her back, so she stood before him, staring a hole into his chest. She didn’t struggle, not wanting Ms. Sweet to get the wrong idea, but she was rigid. “Please let me go.”
“One, Ella. Look at me, and see the truth.”
She lifted her gaze, met his eyes. His eyes usually had that silver lightning color, but in the evening darkness, lit only by streetlights, they were dark and smoky.
“If I do ever have a full servant, that’s something I’ll never ask them to do with or for me, Ella. Most of us…I don’t know about born vampires, but most of us made ones know what that would cost our human servants, to help us do that.”
She strongly suspected Scary Guy was a born vampire, and neither he nor Anwyn had Gideon help with their annual kill. Proof that at least one born and one made vampire felt as Wolf did. The relief was so strong, it made her sway into his touch. But she thought about his side of it.
"What does it cost you?"
His expression clouded. "Not as much as it costs them. I've been told it gets easier after the hundred-year point. Not that you ever feel good about it, but you manage it better. It’s horrible, Ella. The first few years I did it, I thought…I can’t do this. Even tried to do without. Made it two and a half years, and had to face that I needed to live. I couldn’t…let myself die.”
Those words seemed to pull something painful out of him, and her hands landed on his forearms. “Of course you couldn’t.” She laid her head on his chest. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you until an hour before.”
“You were trying to ditch me.”
“Sort of. Maybe because I knew I had to ask the question, and I didn’t really want an answer.”
“But you did ask it. Is it better or worse now?”
“Better.” She tipped her face up to him. “Tho
ugh you really don’t need to do this with me.”
“Get in the truck before I spank you in front of your neighbor and she drowns her flowers.”
Ella smiled and followed him around to the passenger side. When she stepped on the running board, she emitted a surprised yelp as Wolf helped her in with a healthy slap on her backside.
It told her he wasn’t mad at her, a relief. Even better, when he returned to the driver’s side, he didn’t want her to stay in the passenger seat. He curled an arm around her and brought her over into his lap, his hand under her chin so he could possess her mouth.
Oh…she sank deep into that kiss, sank into his arms. The embrace reminded her how very much she’d missed him these past few days. His passion said he might feel the same about her. Her heart skipped rope, right in her chest.
He lifted his head after a time, but he didn’t have her move. She remained cradled in his lap and arms as he put the car in gear, his forearm resting on her thighs. She’d never been happier to be with a tall, big man, who had plenty of room to keep her in his lap while he drove.
“That number may be two this year, because I’m going to beat Gideon to death,” he commented, as he pulled back onto the road.
“Oh, no, don’t do that. He was trying to help me understand. Dom/sub relationships are all about making informed choices, right? How is this different?”
He sent her an amused glance, and his stern mouth relaxed somewhat. “It’s different. But I know he’s looking out for your best interests. I just would have preferred him letting me know what you wanted to know before he planted all that in your head.”
“Oh, I guess…” She bit her lip and his arm tightened on her, even as his gaze remained on traffic.
“What, Ella?”
“I guess I assumed you could read my mind. And you’d already know what I was going to ask, what I’ve been thinking about.”
“Yeah. I could. Somewhat. If I’d been in your head these past several days.”
“Oh.” She squirmed. “Sorry, that was pretty self-centered, believing you’d be keeping tabs on everything I was thinking and doing.”
He hadn’t spoken in her head during those days, she realized. Maybe it was just her romantic imaginings, thinking he was there, a constant presence. Now that she thought about it, there was a certain…feeling she got when he was in her head, even silently.
“It’s not self-centered.” A muscle flexed in his jaw. “You wouldn’t know how to be self-centered. I’ve been clear about the limits I have to set on our relationship, Ella. I’m trying not to make that harder. Me being in your mind for no reason at all is a luxury that I think will only make things worse.”
She wasn’t sure she agreed, but she didn’t say so. But she expected he understood, because he gave her a look and held her even closer. She put her head on his shoulder, mouth against his throat. Whether or not he held himself away from her, his loss would cut deep. But it was a wound she was prepared to bear.
Except for that somewhat awkward moment, it was a mostly relaxed drive. She asked about the status of the wall renovations and his work with the security team.
“I figured I would have seen you these past couple of days,” he said, when they were idling at a stop light. He had the window down, his arm propped on it, his other hand resting on the gear shift, forearm still over her thighs. She was stroking that corded length, up and down, and he didn’t seem to mind the contact. He felt good under her backside, his strong thighs and what was between them.
“I took a couple dinner shifts at the diner, with the understanding I might have to back out if you all needed me.”
He frowned. “Anwyn is paying everyone for the time off.”
“Oh, I know. Which is great. But I can use the extra money. You’ll take another right up here. There’s a little cut-through alley the GPS doesn’t know.”
“Ella, what do you use your money for? You don’t seem to have a lot of expenses.”
“I have a shoe fetish that’s really out of control,” she admitted. “I rent a warehouse for all of them.”
He lifted a brow. “A shoe fetish?”
“Forty-three thousand, eight hundred and seventy-six pairs of shoes. I’m almost out of space.”
She laughed at his expression. “Now you’re giving me your stern Master face. You can just pull it out of my head, you know. Since we’re together already, physically, it’s okay to read my mind right now, right?” she added hastily.
“Yes and no. It’s harder to do with a second mark when she’s not thinking about it, and you’re playing hide and seek with me with your thoughts while I’m driving in Atlanta traffic. So, if you want to live, you should tell me the truth.”
“Can I show you, instead? Afterward? If you have time, I mean.”
He looked at her again, at the next stoplight. “Yeah. I have time. They won’t need me for the rest of the night. How about you?”
Her heart jumped a little, she couldn’t help it, at the idea he was interested in spending the whole evening with her. She didn’t care that she had to be at the diner by six a.m. tomorrow; he’d have her undivided attention as long as she could stay awake.
“I’ll get you to bed at a reasonable hour, make sure you get your sleep. That way I know you’re not out doing the bicycle courier thing half asleep tomorrow afternoon, in this godforsaken nightmare traffic.”
She smiled. “You read my work schedule tomorrow clearly enough. However, you totally missed that I find you a total nuisance. Fort slipped me a hundred bucks to keep you out of their hair tonight.”
He snorted. “That’s Mr. Jones to you.”
The rest of the trip continued along the same teasing, flirtatious vein. It had been a long time since she’d spent time with someone romantically, outside Club Atlantis’s doors. When Wolf did dip into her head, she loved that feeling, that connection. She wished he’d do it all the time. She didn’t care if it made the fallout worse, when and if he drew away from her in the future.
I care. I won’t hurt you more than I can bear, Ella. I wish I was less of a bastard, so I wouldn’t hurt you more than you can bear.
You won’t. She put her face down against his shoulder again, brushed her lips there. Please talk to me in my head, Master. I love the way that feels.
So he did. Nothing all that significant, just a back and forth as he drove and held her, and she kept her head lying on his shoulder.
The sense of contentment helped counter the anxiety that built as they drew closer to their destination. When they turned into Lonnie’s neighborhood, she asked Wolf to stop at the curb before the house.
“There it is,” she said, with a calmness she didn’t feel.
When he looked toward it, Wolf saw a house with vinyl siding so far past the need for a pressure washing the gray color had turned mottled brown and mint green on the northern side. The stretched and leaning panels of chain link fence surrounded a yard more field than lawn. Rusted yard implements leaned against the side of the house, and a pair of trashcans overflowed with garbage, primarily cheap beer bottles and fast food bags.
All the picture was missing was a neglected dog chained to the bumper of a junk car. Since he saw a chain snaking through the grass, one end attached to a few cinder blocks, he expected a canine had once been there. Hopefully the unlucky creature had run off and never looked back.
Several of the lights on the street had been knocked out, but fortunately the one over this house was still lit, providing some illumination for her. Wolf could see fine in the darkness without it. Since it was only about nine o’clock, most people on the street were on their porches. Saving money on their A/C or heat, if they had either.
“Do you mind staying here?” Ella asked.
He’d let her shift back into the passenger seat, so Wolf glanced at her pale face, clenched hands, and then at the dubious look of the house. “Yes,” he said.
“Lonnie’s not dangerous. He’s just a jerk. He doesn’t even have a gun.”
/>
“How long has it been since you saw him?”
“A couple years or so.”
“He’s had ample time to purchase one.”
“He may not even live here anymore.” But her expression said otherwise. “Please. I really feel I need to do this on my own. Kind of to prove to myself I can.”
“One condition before I decide. I want a better explanation for why we’re here than ‘I need to pick up something.’”
She’d worn contacts today that gave her eyes the colors of a blue jay’s wings; deep blue, punctuated by fathomless black and accented by soft white. She looked down at her lap, her expression brooding, then she fished in the small multi-colored bag with tassels and bells she had slung across her body. Removing her thin wallet, she flipped it open and dug behind a couple of folded papers, a driver’s license, and removed a photo. She handed it over to him.
“That was me, with Lonnie.”
At first glance, Wolf saw a man who looked big because he projected that attitude. His florid face was that of an aggressive drunk’s. He had his arm wrapped like a bull hook around a colorless creature standing stiff and still next to him. She wore a white button-down shirt tucked into beige slacks. Her dark hair was pulled tight from a strained face with no makeup. Her lips were curved in the semblance of a smile for the camera.
Ella, he realized with a start. He was looking at Ella. She looked like a shadow, nothing like the vibrant, joyously girlish woman next to him. Seeing it in his expression, Ella nodded. “I keep this to remind myself of what I became with him, and what I really was underneath that. He didn't want me to wear makeup when I was at home, because he didn’t want any of the neighbors to think I was easy and loose. He was…unkind.”
Wolf understood just how much was in that word. Fuck this. She wasn’t going in there alone, and whatever was behind that door wasn’t getting off with less than three broken limbs. Maybe four.
Ella put her hand on his arm. “Lonnie was a very controlling person. Not hugely violent, really, just not a nice guy. I can say he emotionally abused me, made me think I couldn't do and be more, but there was a whole world of relationships around me showing me different. I could have said, ‘Wait a second, this is bullshit.’ But that submissive side, it can be a blessing or a curse, right? I thought I could figure out how to make it work. When I finally did realize that it wouldn’t, I took myself away from it and became what I wanted to be, what I was meant to be. He didn’t stop me. He just threw me out and wouldn’t let me back into the house to get anything.”