I have no doubts Cash will take her, over and over again, until he’s satisfied that only his scent creeps into every crack, every crevice she has.
The crowd disperses, seeing the show is over. It’s much the same as our ceremony except there is no chase at the end. The mates walk willingly hand in hand off together, happily.
Dallas catches me looking at him. Can he tell when my eyes are on his body? He gives me a smile as he approaches. I don’t return it, and his smile fades.
The wind has stopped just as suddenly as it came. The young are playing again, twirling around the yard, scattering the leaves. Torches are lit, sputtering flames casting shadows into the night.
“I would like it if you ate with me at my table,” Dallas asks politely.
“No, I think maybe I should just sit at my own table,” I say back just as sweet as my voice lets me. I hope he eats the lemon pie I brought. I made sure it was more sour than sweet. I’m still upset about not being called or even having my calls returned. Wolves who like each other don’t do that.
He stands there for a moment, taking a breath.
“Rya, you’re upset.” Before I can answer, my parents approach us. I put on my best smile for them. Dallas stands beside me, his hand touching my back, fingers playing with the end of my hair. His hand slides down the curve of my spine until it rests on my lower back. I can feel his hand just resting there, innocent, while he speaks to my parents.
“Dallas, my mate and I were wondering if your family would like to come over for dinner?” My father seems so much smaller to me than I remember him. Perceptions change as you age; things you thought are not what they seem at all.
“My parents would like to meet with you as well,” he says to my father.
My heartbeat stumbles slightly in my chest. His hand has a small tremor. I can’t pay attention to anything that is being said. All I can feel is his thumb now drawing little circles underneath the material of my shirt. His skin touching mine is making my cheeks blaze with red. With a ghost of a graze, his other hand touches my jawline in a show of affection to my parents. They both are smiling their heart smiles that I don’t get to see very often. His hand at the base of my spine starts to walk its way upward, touching every raised knob on my spine until his fingers are tracing where my hairline is at the base of my head.
My parents walk away with me not even able to say a word to them. I nodded yes or no, but that’s all I could manage. It’s as if everything falls away when he’s near me now. I feel a pull deep in my soul toward him, not as strong as with Clayton, but it’s there. A compulsion that needs satisfying.
“Please eat with me,” he says low in my ear.
Wolves are milling around the food table. It’s the meat that they’re after, and no one can touch it until Dallas starts.
Platters and platters of food of every kind are on display…some I have never seen before.
He steps into my space, body pressed firmly into me, cheek to my cheek. His lips faintly touch skin.
“Please,” he breathes. Pulling away, I’m left slightly cold, the chill of the night air creeping in around my skin.
The remaining brothers, Caleb, Carson, and Crane, are carrying giant coolers. They open them up; they are filled with beer and other drinks. They have smiles on their faces as they each pull a cold beer out of the ice, looking at all the pretty she-wolves around them.
He takes my hand, leading me to the table of meat, handing a plate my way. He takes first, while I take second. The rest of the pack falls in behind us while we fill our plates up. Holding his plate in one hand, he leads me to his table with his hand resting low on my back. His spot is at the head of the table, and he motions me to his right.
Realization hits. If I’m at his table, Cash will be on his left, and I will always have to look at Kennedy’s face. That makes me sick to my stomach.
I sit, trying not to hear the whispers behind me.
Standing instantly as soon as the whispers get louder, he looks at all the pack members.
“Does anyone have something to say?” He looks every wolf in the eyes, searching for something. He sits back down, grumbling under his breath. He’s looking puffed out, a growl escaping his throat. He stands again, walking away from the table until he’s in the center of the yard.
“Does anyone have anything they want to say? Speak up now.” He’s turning around, looking at everyone, challenging anyone to speak. No one says anything. Heads down, necks slightly angled to the side, they expose their throats in submission.
His father looks on with a smile on his face that scares the crap out of me. His eyes are starting to scan the crowd as well, looking for something that catches his eye.
Coming back to the table, he calls out to Cash, who’s pacing on the deck. “Thirty minutes.” I watch as he starts to shift to midnight black fur. Effortlessly, his change comes over him. It doesn’t look like it hurts at all. Now the wolf is pacing from side to side, staring at the shoreline in the direction she went. His eyes are black to match his fur, his head up, scenting the air. He must have good control over the fur side of him.
The rest of his brothers take their places, his mother and father having full plates of food.
“What happens if he doesn’t find her?” Now, I guess maybe I said something funny, because everyone starts laughing hard.
“He was trained by the best tracker we ever had,” Caleb states. I take a closer look at Caleb; he looks like menace wrapped up tight in a skin’s body. Chewing on a piece of meat, he’s eyeing the crowd.
“My brother trained Cash. He could find anything or anyone.” He looks proud when looking at Dallas.
Dallas just nods his way slightly with the compliment he just received. I feel his hand on my thigh, which makes me squirm slightly. He doesn’t move it higher or lower. He just rests it there like it belongs.
Am I red again?
Emotions are strumming into me…his want, his need, like vibrations on a guitar string that has just been struck. He’s not eating anymore. I can feel the shadow of his eyes on my body. His hand moves higher up. I close my legs as my breathing becomes difficult.
I’m having a hard time trying to cut my food. My hands don’t want to work as the wolf inside wants to come out and play with her mate. A whine is stuck in my throat.
“What does she want?” Dallas says as he has my face in between his hands, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs.
His eyes are all I see, the wolf’s vision clouding mine.
“You.” It’s a muffled sound as my jaw is trying to realign.
“Rya, how often do you shift?” It’s taking everything inside me to push her down.
“Twice.” I can only get that word out. Please don’t embarrass me, I tell the wolf as she tries to say hi to the party.
“Twice a week, that’s not enough. You should do it more often or else you’ll have problems like this.” Luna Grace is talking to me like I don’t know how it works, like I’m some newly shifted she-wolf learning the ins and outs of pack life.
“Mom, she means twice ever.” It’s Dallas who speaks for me. I watch as Dallas takes his watch off, handing it to Caleb. Everyone around the table is just watching me, and I’m mortified.
“No, that’s not even possible,” his father states, like he knows something I don’t.
“Fifteen minutes,” Dallas says as he takes off his shirt and undoes his pants. My wolf progresses slowly, not as slow as the last time, but slow enough where it still hurts.
The elegance of his shift makes me jealous. I’m crude and monster-like.
His wolf is waiting with its back straight. My vision is changing along with my limbs. I fall away from the table on all fours, and a whine escapes out the wolf’s vocal cords. It’s her turn to stuff me inside of her, as if she’s using her back legs to kick up dirt, she’s kicking me away into the background, into the cocoon of skin.
Please don’t do anything stupid.
The first thing she does is bit
e his neck again. The next thing she does is pee beside him, growling at the crowd, showing her teeth.
“Did you just see that?” one of his brothers says. I can’t tell which one because things sound different. The pitch is all wrong as the wolf shakes her head.
The dark wolf gets up, sniffing where my wolf just peed. He lifts his own leg, saturating the ground with his own markings again.
My Wild has her butt in the air, front paws stretched out, wagging her tail as if she wants to play with him. He takes a slow step her way as she leaps into him. He rolls the wolf on her belly, nipping lightly before he takes off into the trees…the opposite direction Kennedy went.
“Three, two, one…go,” his brother yells out to Cash, who jumps in one leap, clearing all the decks. His pace is fast, nose to the ground, hunting his prize.
Dallas’s wolf is watching my wolf’s approach at the edge of the brush line, tail wagging, tongue hanging out. He waits until we are just close enough before he runs away, looking back at us to follow. Running full speed now, he’s beside her, pushing her forward harder and harder. Running together side by side. If she slows down, he nips her shoulder slightly until she goes faster. It’s a very hard, long run, with quick turns, weaving in and out of trees. He runs her around a big circle. By the time we make it back to the party, everyone has left, a few stragglers carrying on singing by the fire. His brothers are entertaining females, guitars in their hands. The wolf is exhausted as she lays in the grass on her side, panting hard. He lays beside us, licking our jaw, our underbelly. She spreads her legs, and he licks us there, taking long pulls of air.
Imprinting our smell to him.
Before my eyes, he shifts himself back, laying on his belly in the grass. He’s petting the wolf behind her ears, running his hand on the soft fur of the belly. He presses his nose against our neck. She gives him a soft growl of appreciation. She licks his face, and he kisses her cheek.
“Stay here. I’ll get some clothes.” He’s firm with his command.
The party tables have already been put away, everything cleaned up nicely like there was never a party here to begin with.
The music sounds soothing against the wolf’s ears as she throws her head back and howls her music along with the lyrics. The singing stops, and now people are laughing. She doesn’t like the tone of the laughter. She doesn’t like the way they are laughing at her. She takes a step toward them with a growl, raising her ridge of fur.
“Rya.” Dallas is behind us with a blanket stretched out in front of him. The wolf turns a fang his way, but he’s quick, grabbing her ear and pinching hard.
“Don’t ever do that again.” He holds the wolf there as she whines a sorry plea to him. She heels up to him with her tail tucked so far under her body I don’t know how she’s going to take it out.
“Shift.” Without hesitation, she lets me ascend to break the cocoon of fur.
He wraps the blanket around me, handing me the clothes he brought.
“You can change in the house.” He leads me away from the laughing people. I bristle toward them slightly.
“You change. I’ll go have a talk with them for you. The bathroom is the first room on the right.” He turns from me as he walks with tight fists toward his brothers and the females.
After getting changed, I can smell his room. His scent is so thick and powerful coming from that space that I open the door, taking a peek inside.
What greets me is something I don’t want to see.
Looking around the room, I see pictures of them. Her eyes are always looking at him. They are always on his face while he smiles at the camera. Arms circling around waists and necks, lips touching cheeks. This is a shrine, and I’m standing at the altar.
A simple picture grabs my eye on his dresser. Everyone always looks better in black and white, untouched by colors. You can notice every inch of them in more depth, except the eyes. I like how eye colors are hidden. My eyes in this kind of picture always look pure white. She’s looking into the camera without a smile, just staring as if she were preparing for this moment. Her looking at me, while I’m staring back at her. We have a silent moment together. A future looking on the past.
I sink into myself. I have never been up on anyone’s wall, on their nightstand, in their wallets, on their phones. Everything he’s done he has done first before me. I get the second round. Maybe I’m meant to be the B-side, the last thought in someone’s mind. Never really an option until plan A fails.
Another picture catches my eyes. A big heart is drawn in the sand, and their shadows are holding hands. Inside the heart is written C + M.
“You shouldn’t be in here.” Dallas steps into his room.
He’s looking around at what I’m seeing. Something inside me breaks a little. I have a lot of questions at the moment.
I notice that there are brown cardboard boxes on the ground, pictures of them lining the bottom of them. It looks like he was in the process of putting her away in the closet.
I hit my hand on the dresser. I hit the other hand, causing my palms to go red.
I’m his B-side, the bottom row, the discounted item that no one really wants. I will always be this, no matter what. No matter who I meet, I will always be second best, the second choice, because I will never be anyone’s first choice.
“Would you have ever not called her for a week? Would you have ever not talked to her for a day?” I ask. He looks away, guilty.
“I just want to know. It’s just something I’m wondering about.” I let my eye linger on their pure love, their happy love.
“No.”
“Thank you.” I walk out of the bedroom, out the door, and head to my car.
“Where are you going?” Dallas walks beside me, trying to touch my arm, but I won’t let him.
“Home.” Opening my door, I get in, but he won’t let me close it.
“Are you mad because I didn’t call you?”
“I’m mad at everything, I guess. I just want to be a thought in someone’s head. A first thought, when you wake up in the morning. The last thought when you go to bed at night. I guess I just want to be a something other than what I am.” I try to close the door again.
“Rya.”
“It’s okay, really…it’s okay. I should be used to this by now. After all this time, I should expect this.”
“Rya.” He says my name again.
“Am I your first thought in the morning, Dallas? Do you think about me first?” This is going to hurt. I brace myself for it, holding the steering wheel tight in my grip.
“No.” The tone of his voice is low, trying not to hurt my feelings.
“You were my first thought in the morning. You’re what I think about when I wake up. I wish we were on my wall together like all those pictures you have up. I wish I just had one. Just one. Is that asking too much to want that? I tried to call you, left messages, but I guess I’m just not a thought that crosses your mind.” I can’t cry anymore; I can’t feel. It’s like I’ve been blessed with a blissful numbness now.
“Rya, it’s not like that.” His hand goes up, trying to touch my cheek. I just flinch away.
“I need to go. Tell your brother and mother to stay away. I don’t want any of your family over at my house. It’s the only thing I have that is mine, and even that is a hand-me-down.” My voice remains monotone. I can’t care anymore. “I have to go. Goodbye, Dallas.” I can feel his emotions swirling inside him; he’s afraid. The top of the food chain is afraid.
“Don’t go. I was caught up in myself. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I felt disgusted with myself, with this whole situation. I just wasn’t prepared for it, to have her completely leave me. I thought I was, but when it happened, I wasn’t prepared how it left me feeling.” He’s gripping the side of the door, kneeling beside my seat on the ground. His knees will be stained; everyone will be able to see that he has been on his knees for something.
“You made it very clear what you felt that night, the rest of the week. I felt
everything you felt—the anger, the disgust, the grief, the pain—every single thing. You made sure I felt it, didn’t you? You wanted me to hurt like you did. I’m so sorry she did that. It wasn’t my intention. I never meant to take your choice away.”
“I just couldn’t come around you. I would have taken your choice away from you. I want you to be with me because you want to, not because I forced you to be. That’s why. I couldn’t deal with everything happening all at once.”
“You could have called me, said something to me. Anything is better than nothing. Do you think I deserve nothing, Dallas?” He bangs his fist on the steel body of the car. Why do the things I own get dented, destroyed by others?
Why do I allow my belongings, myself, to get destroyed while I sit back and just watch, being a spectator at my own destruction?
Chapter 18
A Chase
The light from the car’s interior illuminated his eyes in the spectrum of blues. Electric wavelengths of emotion pulse living thoughts into my body. This is how it is between mates: they can feel the other’s thoughts. If I were to mark his skin side, I could be inside his body with my mind, not just feeling his strongest feelings.
“You deserve so much. You deserve everything. I was wrong for doing that to you.”
He curves his hand around my neck, pulling me toward his face. It’s paralyzing the way his eyes hold me, the way his thoughts drift to my neck, wanting to just take.
“To tell you the truth, the honest truth, I was afraid to recover from her. I wanted to keep her inside my soul, keep that last little connection I had with her. Until you came along, I never had to face the fact that I needed to really say goodbye to her. I was fine with waking up every day feeling nothing. I was fine with that. Get up, brush my teeth, put on clothes, eat, go to work, come back home, go to bed, get up the next day, and do it over and over again. I was fine with that.” My hands are still clenching the steering wheel. His fingers are working underneath mine, breaking the hold I have on it.
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