“You’re going to be great, Rya. I can’t wait to visit you again.” Dallas believes everything he says to me.
Dallas tells me that my arm will be better by the end of the week. We do what couples do, hug and kiss goodbye. I wave to him as he pulls away from the drive. I watch Alpha Clinton walk away with Luna Grace, hand in hand, into the snow-covered morning. Their footsteps leave behind a trail to track them by as they walk away from the house.
I get back into my room. The phone is laying on the desk, innocently waiting for me to listen to Clayton’s messages. I’m curious but feel guilty about wanting to hear them.
Taking a deep breath, I click to the next message. This is a slow pain that I will hear.
“Two years of watching you, Rya, I couldn’t wait to graduate. I honestly felt as if I were cheating on Kennedy if I stared too long at you. I could smell you. I always knew when you were getting close. I would make it a point to leave before you came around the corner. You made it easy, though. I think you avoided me as much as I wanted to avoid you.” He takes a long drink of something, ice clinking against the glass.
“I would catch you by the fence watching your old soccer team. Your braid was down your back. You were playing with the end while you were seeing them win the championship. You were supposed to be captain that year, weren’t you? I never saw you against the soccer fence again. I did watch you leave with your head down, looking at your feet. The more I think about it, you stopped looking up. You started to walk with your eyes always downcast. Again I did nothing to help you. I could have said something. I could have been kinder. I wasn’t.” He’s run out of time; the message ends.
“I remember you always used to laugh, even before I knew you were my mate. I remember hearing you laugh and thought what a cute sound. Unique. But as my last year of high school came to an end, I realized you never laughed anymore. In fact, I thought you forgot how to speak. Your sound died. Mine didn’t. You had to endure my laugh, didn’t you? I made sure you would hear how happy I was with Kennedy. I made sure that you understood there was never going to be any chance for you with me.”
“I remember after I graduated I saw you a total of six times before you finally left. I wish it was for good back then. I prayed to the moon you didn’t come back. It was easier for me. I didn’t have to watch the way I ruined you. The first time I saw you after graduation was at a pack party. You hardly came to those functions unless attendance was mandatory. I think my mother did that on purpose just to see my reaction to you. I would purposely feed Kennedy in front of the entire pack because I loved her, while I knew you watched on. Sick, isn’t it? I did it, though, and I watched you all alone at one of the back picnic tables by yourself with nothing to eat because by the time you were allowed to eat, nothing was ever left. You turned yourself away from the pack. I could see your shoulders trembling, your hands wiping at your eyes. I felt bad, but not bad enough to really care.” The call ends with him taking another drink.
“I’m going to have Caleb train Clayton.” Dallas’s voice is such a contrast to Clayton’s.
“I saw you again for the first time a year later, Rya. It was another pack barbecue. By then, your shoulders were permanently hunched over like that of an old person who had a hard life, except you were still in high school. You didn’t even bother to face the pack. You just kept your back to everyone with nothing to eat. You sat there for just a few minutes, making an appearance before leaving. No one really cared, did they? Seeing you like that, but no one cared enough to do anything for you, help you in any way, that’s including me. I could have said something, but I thought, no, it would encourage you in the wrong way about me.” This is a slow pain from deep inside that just gets harder and harder to deal with.
Dallas is on the messages again. “I just want you to know that you are my first thought in the morning and my last thought before going to bed at night. I want you to know that I packed all my pictures up. She will always be in my heart, Rya, but you right now are my soul.” I smile at his truths. He makes me feel good about who I am.
“The next few times I saw you, the exact same thing: you sat with your back to us, no one spoke to you, and you left. I never got to see your face those times. A part of me wanted to. I remember the last time I saw you, the same thing again. I was getting used to seeing your back, never your face. Your hair was really long, always braided. I loved the color of your hair; it suited you somehow. I felt guilty for thinking that back then, because I loved Kennedy’s hair, but I liked your hair more, thinking back. I remember my mother congratulating your parents on how you got accepted into the midwife program at some college. You know what? Kennedy was accepted to university for this special art program. I remember when she got her acceptance letter in the mail. Jumping up and down, there was only two things she ever wanted to be in life: a mother and an artist. The first I could never give her, and the second I took away from her. I told her I would miss her too much. What I was really worried about was if she found her mate and never came back to me. I was scared that if she went away, she would never come back…but for you, I wished you would never come back.” He hangs up. Maybe he’s upset with his own revelation about himself.
“Rya, I just want to tell you that I am so proud of you again,” Dallas whispers sleepily, as if he’s drifting off to bed.
“I was doing some thinking. You should thank me for your education, because if you were with me, I don’t think you would ever have become a midwife. You would have never gone past high school. So at least I can take some credit for that. You got yourself an education, not having to depend on anyone to support you except yourself. I’m trying really hard to look at the things differently now. If we were together, you would have never met Dallas. I like that wolf. Sure, we have some differences that need to get worked out, but all in all, he’s not bad. I like certain things that his pack does. I like the way he’s setting things up around here. I like that you get to fight with fists instead of getting whipped because of your nature.” He’s talking so long that his time ran out again.
“Another birth, Rya, another male. I’m doing things I never thought I could do.” Dallas hangs up, not saying anything else.
“Kennedy knew you were coming back soon. The midwife just died. Our pack needed you. Funny, isn’t it? No one cared about you all that time, and now you’re going to be caring for all our future pups. Ironic, isn’t it? I give you credit. I would never have come back.” He inhales a long pull from something, holding it into his lungs before he exhales out with a small cough.
“I saw you in your car opening the door, closing it. I saw your white knuckles on top the steering wheel. Kennedy was beside me at the window. She was curious how you looked after all these years. I have to confess that for the last few months we really weren’t getting along too good. We were fighting more and more. I wanted to break up with her, she wanted to break up with me, but we never really did because we still loved each other. But I think the end was near. My sister just got pregnant, and that was a common ground for us because we could take care of her together. Kennedy had this new sparkle in her eyes. I remember that we made love the night before you came back. She asked me to mark her; I think it was to show you that she was mine. I had to stop a long time ago from biting her neck, it hurt her too bad, but that night she begged me to do it. I did because I love biting when I’m inside her. I remember that when you got out of your car, I saw your face for the first time in six years. I had to lean against the wall, my legs started to shake so bad. Kennedy started to cry at how I was reacting to you. In that moment, my wolf gave its first growled threat out toward her. He’s never done that before. I told her to leave our room so I could get under control. I kept looking out my window until I saw you leave. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You had the most perfect body I have ever seen on a female.” His last words are spoken softly, as if reliving the moment.
Are his eyes closed with the picture of me walking away from him?
In this moment, all I want him to remember is my back.
Chapter 5
It Comes Full Circle
Kennedy
“Get out.”
Electrified pain hurts my nerve endings, anguish, curling my shoulders with his spoken words.
“Get out!” His voice gets louder.
I uncurl my body away from his, my hatred for myself spreading inside like a malignant cancer that’s eating away at my insides.
Without another word, I walk out of his room and into mine, making sure I close the door behind me.
It’s hard to face him, his hate so vicious it leaves a thick coating that clogs my pores so my skin has a hard time breathing.
Getting dressed in clothes that no longer fit my expanding body is just the tip of my own humiliation.
I walk down the stairs. It’s mid-morning. Usually, I’m already up, starting on the mural I’m trying to finish before I go away.
The Luna is there talking with Rya. I keep my head down, unable to meet their eyes. My shame is too much to bear.
“How are feeling this morning, Kennedy?” The Luna is always pleasant with me, even though I know she can’t stand me in her home. She loves her son very much.
“Good, thank you for asking.” I still don’t meet their eyes as I take a seat at the table, taking a piece of fruit. I don’t make myself anything to eat. I don’t go into their fridge or their cupboards. I only eat what is offered, and I think they are being too generous with someone like me.
The peach is sweet, the way Rya smells. She’s always been sweeter; I just was too sour to notice it.
“I was just thinking that we could go into town, seeing as Rya can’t train for a few days. I thought maybe us females could have a shopping day?”
“I’m not sure.” Rya has hesitance in her voice. I know it’s because I’m invited.
“It’s okay, you females go. I have no money to go.” A wash of shame hits me. I have no money of my own. I never had to work before, and I’ve no savings, nothing to fall back on.
“Kennedy, you need new clothes. You’re going to grow out of those very fast, especially with twins. We haven’t had twins in the pack for maybe fifty years. Besides, Cash has money. He has enough for you.” I nod my head, keeping it down.
“Rya, come. It would be fun to get some new stuff. I don’t get the chance to go shopping. Maybe we could get something to eat after?” I can hear the excitement in the Luna’s voice while she speaks with Rya. There is never excitement in that voice when she speaks to me.
“If it’s money—”
“No, it’s not money. I have my own. It’s just that I don’t want to be around her.” Rya’s voice is hard to my ears, as it should be.
“I don’t blame you, Rya. If I were you, I’d feel the same way about me. I don’t know what to say to make things better for you. I don’t know what I could even possibly say for what I have done to you. Sorry isn’t good enough.” I let my words hang in the air, except they fall down like bricks smashing on the floor as soon as Cash walks into the room.
I can’t look at him either, so I just keep my head down, hands in my lap. Trying not to cry, I pick the edges of my nails. I use to have beautiful nails, colorful long nails.
“Rya, you can do and feel whatever you want. I can’t even begin to understand how difficult this must be for you. I just thought that it would be nice to get out of the house. We all need to get stuff, so why not go together?”
“Where are you guys going?”
“Shopping,” Luna Grace says to Cash.
I don’t feel his eyes on me anymore. It’s like I don’t even exist to him. I don’t blame him at all.
“She going with you?”
“Yes, Kennedy’s coming. She needs money. Can you please give her some?” He huffs out a breath, heading upstairs before coming back to place his wallet in front of me.
I have to stop myself from bringing it to my nose, holding it there, and inhaling deeply from it. His scent is comforting. I can close my eyes and just pretend that things are different between us.
“Take what you need.” That’s the most he’s spoken to me in a very long time. I just nod my head at him, unable to find my voice.
“Good, it’s settled. Let’s go. Rya, go get your purse. I’m driving!” She sounds slightly childish with her excitement.
Rya gets up, grumbling underneath her breath. I can’t hear what she’s saying, but I know it’s some slur directed at me.
I wait until the two females are ready. I don’t care what I look like; it’s not like I’m going to run into anyone I know or who even gives me a second glance.
It’s quiet on the car ride.
I stay a small distance away from them as they look at cute clothes that I have no hope of fitting into anymore. I just follow and listen to the way Luna Grace is encouraging Rya to try on these beautiful clothes that make her look like the moon herself. I notice the way Luna Grace is pulling outfits that really suit Rya’s figure, skin tone. The colors make her eyes look eerily beautiful.
Rya, for her part, is smiling more. I can see the way her confidence is growing when looking at herself in the mirror and liking what she sees. She’s not the little wolf that went away broken and defeated. No, this is a strong female wolf who is coming into her own.
A Luna in the making.
Passing by another maternity shop, I bite my tongue with the way I want to ask if I could just go in and look for something for myself. Looking in the window as we pass, I try not to look at the reflection staring back in the glass. She’s not someone I want to see.
The shopping is winding down. They have gotten themselves lots of bags filled with things that I used to get for myself every week.
We pass the maternity shop on the way out. I keep my head down with the way they just forgot about me. I said nothing this whole trip. No one asked my opinion on anything, and I don’t blame them.
I bump into the Luna’s back as she stops in the middle of the mall.
“Kennedy, we just passed by another shop. Don’t you want to go in and get some things you need?”
“It’s okay, Luna Grace. I don’t need anything.”
“That’s ridiculous. You should have asked to go in when we passed it twice. I’m not a mind reader. You need to ask for what you want,” she scolds. She also turns on Rya. “That goes for you as well. If you need something, ask me.” This little lesson done, she smiles to the both of us.
Walking into the store, I can’t help but notice all the colorful dresses. If this were another situation, I would have all these cute outfits to buy. I would make myself look as beautiful as I could. Instead, I grab black shorts, black pants, and a few grey and white tops. Nothing fancy, nothing that catches the eyes. I get a plain summer dress that doesn’t flatter me at all. I don’t come out of the changing room to show off how I look. Instead, I take the pile of my new clothes to the counter to pay.
I open up his wallet, and a picture of his family greets my eyes that makes me smile slightly.
Looking down, I notice that popular book that goes through your pregnancy step by step, day by day.
“You should buy two of those books—one for you, one for Cash,” Luna Grace advises.
I do as she says, buying two of those books.
We’re running late, so we decide to eat at home instead of at the mall.
The driveway has cars in it that weren’t there when we left.
When we walk into the house, Alpha Clinton is talking to a group of females with Carson and Crane hovering around them. They have their beautiful bodies on display, while the two brothers look on in appreciation. A flash of red on lips the color of blood wine. They have an invitation out for the males that they are available if they want them.
More males show up with shaved heads, letting the females know that they are ready whenever they are. I put all the pieces together early on. I just need to sit back and watch everything.
Cash comes down the stairs looki
ng like he just got cleaned up for the arrival of all these guests. He makes no introductions of who I am to him. I stand there like a statue, looking at his shaved head. I watch a female touch his head, and he lets her. My first tear comes down my face when he walks her down the stairs, leading the way with her close behind.
I deserve this for everything I have put him through. I just hope he finds someone good, someone who will treat my young like their own. It’s impossible to hide my tears from everyone else.
They don’t look at me. It’s easier if they don’t.
The only one who really is looking is Rya. She’s just staring. I understand now just a fraction of what she has had to endure at my hands.
Chapter 6
Goals
Rya
Packages drop to the floor. It’s as if she can no longer hold anything but herself, and even that looks as if it’s getting too much for Kennedy.
Slowly she turns away, shoulders hunched, trying so hard to hold her composure. Not a sound coming from her mouth, her body shakes with the effort she’s putting forth to not let the sounds of her cry tumble out her mouth.
I want to be that leech that drinks this up in gluttonous waves of delight, but I can’t find any joy in this.
The Silverback Alpha watches her slow ascent up the stairs. She’s holding the banister for support, taking one slow step at a time. I notice that Luna Grace has tears in her eyes at what she’s seeing.
The door is closed to the basement, but I can hear the faint laughter, the beat of the music softly drifting up, wrapping around our bodies, but we are not laughing. We are all trying hard not to let our emotions out.
“Cash.” The vibration of sound ripples through my body as if I’m standing right beside a speaker at a concert during the drum solo. One word spoke so effectively that not too long after, the door opens to the basement.
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