“I’ve missed so much.” He says this quietly to himself, shaking his head in disbelief. Great waves of despair roll off of him, crashing into me.
Quicksand sets in. I’m sinking in my own emotions that are gripping me firmly by the ankles, slowly climbing up my calves as I sink deeper and deeper inside myself.
“You’re right, we need to talk.” I’m holding his eyes now with mine. He can’t look away either.
“Rya, I was so wrong. I should have stayed that day. I shouldn’t have left like that. I wasn’t thinking properly. I was mad and only thinking of myself. I wanted to hurt you the way I was hurting. It was the wrong decision.”
“Actually, Dallas, looking back, I’m glad you left. It forced me to do things I never thought I’d get a chance to do on my own. I feel I’ve changed.” Even on his knees, he’s taller than me. He’s physically grown so much. Leaning into him, inhaling his scent, it’s so naturally calming to my nature. I could get drunk on it.
“It looks like you’ve changed so much.” His fingers touch my hair that’s just barely able to tuck behind my ears.
“I have.” I believe what I just said. I still have issues, but I know that I can survive in this world without anyone holding me up anymore. I can hold myself up. I’ve learned from my heartaches; it’s made me more rugged, a survivor with a calloused heart.
“I was wrong to keep this from you for so long, but you were gone, and I had no way of contacting you. I was hoping once you returned home that the first thing that you would have done was call.” I hold my eyes to his. He’s paying complete attention to every word I’m saying.
“Then I found out that you’d been home for two weeks without calling me. I didn’t want to be a burden to you. I didn’t want to be that female who can’t let a male go. You shaved your head; that was telling me enough that we were through, that you were moving on from me. Even though I didn’t want to move on from you. I made a mistake, Dallas, when I kissed Clayton, but in a way, I’m glad it happened. I always had this unfinished business with him. The what if’s, even though he’s hurt me so bad. I still always wondered what it would be like to kiss him. The kiss was incredible, it was everything that I dreamed it would be, but here’s the thing…it wasn’t you. It was just the bond pulling me to him, nothing more.” He’s not saying a word, just watching and letting me talk, absorbing everything in.
“I have no regrets with him. That part of my life I can say is completely over. I have moved on from the mirage of him. He’s a wolf who’s my friend, nothing more. I wish him well in the future, but my future will not involve him. I will never go back to that pack, ever. I don’t feel as if it’s my home anymore. I don’t belong there. I haven’t belonged for a very long time.” Letting go of my past is the most important step in creating the best future possible. I’ve learned from it, it made me a stronger wolf, but I will not let it weigh me down any longer.
“It was getting to the point that I just couldn’t tell you. I was afraid that maybe you would try to take him away from me. I can’t have you do that. I won’t survive it.” An edge of panic trembles out of my voice. He grips onto my hands that have clenched at the sides of my thighs. He’s unraveling them before entwining them with his fingers.
“I would never take him away from you.” His words blow away the fear that’s been clinging inside my mind as heavy, grey-misted paranoia.
“I couldn’t call you because—”
“I know why. Caleb showed me the message. Before I could see the picture he sent, I threw my phone away. I didn’t wait. I just presumed I knew why you didn’t call me. Now I know why.” He’s leaning into me very slowly, inching toward my body, so my legs have to spread a little more as he tries to create no space between us. The belly is hindering his progress.
With his arms around me, I feel completely safe for the first time in a long time. His warmth engulfs all my nerve endings, tingling up my spine.
“Where does this leave you and me?” His question to me is spoken with his own building anxiety. I can feel it coming off of him. His heart rate picks up with the each minute I let pass without answering him.
“I’m not sure anymore, Dallas. At first, I was heartbroken that you left. I understood why, but I was still heartbroken. I had a lot of guilt built up inside me because of what I did to you.” Taking a deep breath, I must continue on with the truthful way I’m feeling.
“I’m lonely without you, but at the same time, I’m continuing on. One foot in front of the other. I have bad days and good days. The good days are outnumbering the bad now. I don’t think that I can go through that again, Dallas. What happens if I do something that you don’t like? Will you just leave me, leave us? Shave your head again?”
“No, never again, Rya.”
“I have my doubts now. I’m just not sure I can trust you not to leave me again.” A single tear sheds out of my eyes that have cried too much.
“Rya, listen to me. I will never leave you again.” He’s trying to convey the importance of his words. His voice never raises, but his words are heavy, trying to sink into my chest.
“I realized when I came back from the wild, I just couldn’t get you out of my mind. You consumed me fully. I just thought I was giving you a real chance to be happy with him. I was wrong once again. Caleb told me you left the pack. He told me a lot of things.” I arch my back slightly with the uncomfortable pressure of sitting in this position for so long. He stands up slowly, brushing his knees off.
“Scoot up.” Dallas sits directly behind me, so I’m between his legs. He raises my shirt up so the skin of my back is touching the skin of his chest and stomach. He leans me back into him, taking the pressure off my lower back. His hands bring the covers over us as he reclines us back in the deck chair.
“Better?”
“Yes.” I’m looking out at the darkening sky, the ocean once again starting to roll, ebbing and flowing as the tide starts to go out, only to return once again tomorrow. The breeze is cool against my cheeks, but my body is cocooned in warmth he’s creating.
“Lay all the way back. That’s it, Rya. I promise I won’t do any more than touch my male. Nothing more.” My cramping muscles are relaxing. The heat from his body acts like a warm compress saturating into my tissues.
Closing my eyes, this is what I’ve been missing the whole pregnancy. This feeling of real safety, of warmth, of protection, of love.
“I like it here, Dallas. For the first time since being in your home pack, I feel as if I belong. That this could be my home if I give it a chance. I could have a job here if I want it. I could have a good life here with my pup. I could provide him with everything he needs except you.” His hands have stopped feeling my stomach. A stillness has overtaken him. Even his breath sounds quiet.
“I don’t want to be a weekend and holiday father, Rya. I never thought that I would have a pup after what happened. All those dreams were gone for me. But now you’ve given me a miracle. I have no intention to let that slip through my fingers. Even if I have to leave my pack behind, I will. It’s not the two of us anymore. It’s the three of us now.”
“You would give up your pack for me?”
“In a second. This is the most important thing in the world to me. You and this male, nothing else matters, Rya. Everything else is a distant second. Understand this. I have made mistakes, and I might make more mistakes in the future, but leaving you again will never be one of them.” His chin is resting on my shoulder, cheek pressed against mine. His scent is pressing into me. I’ll smell like him soon.
“I’m just scared, Dallas. I don’t want to go through this again.”
“We can take things very slow, at your pace,” he pleads.
“I’m just not sure, Dallas.”
“Well, that wasn’t a no.” A faint flicker of hope is lighting up inside him.
“What about your parents? They’ll be devastated.”
“It’s not their life to live. This is between us and no one else.” His voice c
aresses my skin. His words mean so much to me.
“But—”
“No, Rya, this is my life. Without you, it means nothing. I would just be going through the motions, empty again. You have awakened me. You have brought me back to life. I’m yours and you’re mine. It’s that simple.” He does place a small little kiss to my shoulder very quickly. His lips feel electric against flesh that hasn’t felt touch in a long time.
“Let’s just take it slow, no pressure.” His mind races with strong thoughts of hope now the longer I let him talk to me.
“No pressure?”
“No pressure, Rya. Just me and you figuring things out.” I sink into him, letting my body really relax against his. His hand comes up, running his fingers through my hair.
“I love your look, Rya, my beautiful female.” His fingers massage my head. My eyes roll back. The wolf in me who’s taken a sabbatical inside whimpers to him slightly. It’s a barely there noise, but his wolf answers instantly back with his own whimper of longing.
I can feel myself drifting off to sleep. His words are a lullaby to my body. His body is a natural sleeping pill, letting my mind shut down enough to just take a moment to drift off to sleep securely in his arms. I know no one will be able to hurt me when he’s this close. My first real sleep in months overtakes me completely.
Mother Nature slowly opens her eyelids as the morning is bathed in tinted tones of sepia. The seaside air is heavy with salt as the rushing tide comes in.
November wind blows in strong and full; the dog days of summer are scampering out like an unwanted pest.
Caleb is walking up the stairs looking at us before pulling out his phone and taking a picture.
“Cute, I’ll send you the picture.” He gives us a fake smile.
“The doctor wanted me to tell you Dad’s stable, holding his own.” Relief is etched on his face.
“Carson called. Mom’s wearing her war colors, just so you know what’s coming for me. She blames me completely. I found my mate’s house last night, and I almost killed a male wolf that had her scent all over him. Before I could rip his throat out, I got shanked in the back by that female with the glasses.” He turns around, lifting up his shirt where lots of stitches are holding the damaged skin together. Deep bruising surrounds the area where the blood leaked underneath his skin.
“Belac and her brother should be here soon. It seems in this pack, once you find your mate, it’s expected that the male wolf marks her instantly. No mating ceremony, nothing. I guess all her family is coming to make sure this is done the right way.” He touches his fingers to his temples, rubbing them slightly.
“Oh, I also found out my mate’s an Alpha to her own six wolf pack, perfect. The icing on the cake is she has to give up her territory to her brother, because it’s customary for the female wolf to move away to her mate’s family pack. She’s blaming me for ruining her life, so I’ve had a great twenty-four hours. I can tell you that much.” He takes a seat next to us on the chair, looking crushed. This male who usually is so happy looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.
My hand goes out to his thigh, patting him.
“Sorry, Caleb.”
“Will you mark her, Caleb?”
“She’s my mate. Of course I’ll mark her. I just wish it was different somehow.” He just looks at the ocean, watching the waves touch the shore. The seagulls are out diving around like fighter jets. I feel as if something bad is coming in the air.
Chapter 22
A Mate’s Rescue
Dark clouds seem to be hovering over the deep water. Grey skies take over the blue; the air feels charged, full of menace, as Mother Nature’s pent-up power will be released soon. The wind turns the waves to whitecaps, the temperature dropping slightly.
Unease.
Nervousness.
An overflow of energy is vibrating out of Caleb while he sits at the edge of the chair. His whole body is in constant motion, the way his fingertips tap along the armrest. A knee that won’t stop trembling. Quick breaths. He keeps glancing in all directions, not knowing what way they will come from.
Standing.
Pacing.
Sitting.
Repeat.
He looks tortured at the moment as he waits for the in-laws.
“Rya, congratulations, by the way. He seems to be a strong male. I can already smell the power he carries.” Dallas smiles, a father who’s already proud of his male.
“Thanks, Caleb.” Dallas’s hands are on my belly again. The male inside me frantically kicks, making his presence known to his father. His lips are taking more opportunities at tasting my flesh, as his mouth hovers just a hair’s breadth over the back of my neck. He doesn’t kiss it but puts his nose against my spine, inhaling deeply. He squirms in his position a fraction, trying to adjust himself as I lay against him.
Dallas hasn’t moved, and neither have I. My body hasn’t felt this good in such a long time. I’m rooted into the chair with no ambition to leave my spot. The very fibers in my muscles have all been relaxed; he’s medicinal without the cough.
Slow, deliberate fingertip pressure traces along my collarbone. His lips press against the back of my head. A desirable warmth spreads all over my body with the way his touch affects me. He keeps repeating this calming motion as Caleb is unraveling before my eyes.
“Caleb, try to take some deep breaths.” Dallas speaks at a volume only his brother can hear. He doesn’t want the wind to carry his words.
“It’s hard, Dallas.” His eyes are scanning back and forth, sometimes stopping their sweep as if he has seen something, but it was only the wind.
“I know. How do you want this to play out? Do you want me standing on your left when they come, or do you want me to take the lead?” A few minutes go by before Caleb answers back.
“If I start acting like a fool, I want you just to thunder punch me in the throat, drop me hard. Put me out of my misery.” Somehow his words cut the tension, and we all start to laugh. Belac and the Wildflower Gang round the corner with her in the lead, head held high. She’s walking with a hard purpose.
Her topaz eyes hold such great sorrow at this moment. Her world is unraveling around her.
Grim faces greet us, tear-stained cheeks of the females. All in a single line behind their leader, with heads bowed down. They look as if they are in a funeral procession, slow, shuffling along, quiet as if already in mourning for their fate.
All wear black on black, armed with silver.
Caleb’s face is no longer holding the usual smile.
Standing with a smooth grace, he puffs himself up to his full height. Dallas gets up from behind me, a hand gripping my hand helping me up. Dallas angles his body slightly in front of me.
The group halts their progress, looking at me sideways, contempt in their stare as eyes meet mine that is no longer hidden behind the burden of fake lenses.
“We trusted you. I trusted you.” Belac’s voice rises as she steps forward. Dallas takes his own step toward her, with a low warning growl.
“Look at the destruction you brought to us.” Her Wildflowers look cut down. No longer the happy group that has found their place in a special community, now unease is spread among them.
The male is missing; that was the only real soldier of the group. Is he a deserter?
Treajure remains hidden behind Belac. The only reason I know she’s there is because I can smell a deep-seated fear that slithers out from behind Belac. It leaves a lingering taste at the back of my throat of her ruination.
“Who are you really?” Belac’s eyes fall to mine, each syllable said slowly, lingering in the air for me to swallow.
I can’t answer her back.
“What? I can’t hear you.” Arms crossing over her chest, she looks me up and down. Her eyes never once fall on Caleb. It’s as if he’s unimportant in this minute.
“I never lied to you.”
“You omitted the truth.” Her stronger comeback, her voice rising just bare
ly. The wind picks up, the material of my skirt tickling my ankles as it sways back and forth.
“Is Rya even your name?” She tilts her head, eyes cunning and strong. This she-wolf is tuned up; vibrations are pulsing out of her as if a tuning fork has been struck. Her aggression is not silent. I see a flash of canines my way, and a shiver of fear pulses out of me.
“Watch yourself, female. Think before you act.” Dallas is like the tide rising up to his full height, threatening to engulf everyone in his presence. They take a collective step backward, even Belac.
“We have no problem with you, wolf.” She points her finger his way. “Step aside.” He says nothing back, instead looking at Caleb, who’s just watching her, taking everything in. Nose flaring slightly, shivers running down his body. I can see the slight tremble of her body as well with his closeness.
She conceals it much better.
“My name’s Rya. I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t tell you everything.” This is my battle to fight, not Dallas’s, as I try to stand in front of him. They all turn to me.
A betrayal, that’s what I see staring back at me. Their trust in me broken. This is a group of hardy survivors that have been the bottom of the bottoms, the outcasts, rejects of packs. They have never held true friendship until coming under Belac’s reign.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you more about me. I just didn’t want to spoil what I had with all of you.” Looking each one in the eyes, I try to convey the mistake I made not telling them my story.
“You should have told us. You could have trusted us with your secret.” Her topaz eyes are luminous, reflecting the dimming light with golden hues. It’s fascinating what you can see when you really pay attention to the details.
The sound of many shuffling feet in the sand reminds me of slippers that really don’t fit well: you can’t pick up your feet, so you drag them on the floor. That’s how numerous shoes sound against the grainy beach. A screech of sound from the ancient skin has Belac stiffening up.
The Wildflower Series Page 45