“Treajure, you’re sweating.” Caleb’s blurred; my glasses have fallen off.
“Where are the twins?” Cassius’s voice is right behind me. He’s got his hand now on my shoulder. A small squeeze before going into the fridge and closing it.
“Mom has Dee. They went out for breakfast and a girl’s day. Dad and Dallas have Ken and Chance. I guess there’s been some kind of bee massacre, and Rya has them looking for the killers.” Caleb puts his bowl in the sink and washes it before drying and putting it away.
“Hornets maybe?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t want to get involved in their hunt. I just got my nails done. Dee would drag me if I ruined her work.” He checks out his nails with a small curl of his top lip.
The back door opens, and Crane, in yesterday’s clothes, strolls in, stretching his back with this lopsided smile on his face.
“Where were you?” Caleb asks.
“Out.” Crane smells of stale beer and lots of sex.
“You know you shouldn’t be out at all hours of the night, doing who knows what.”
Crane gives Caleb a side-eye but says nothing. He drinks a glass of water.
“Stop sounding like Dallas.” He scratches at the side of his hip, lifts up his shirt, and he has teeth marks there that are fading along his side. Multiple teeth marks.
Caleb looks at Crane with disgust written across his face.
“What are you looking at? I’m not doing anything you haven’t done. Well, I do it better than you,” Crane taunts. Caleb huffs through his nose.
“You should be spending time with your nephews and niece. They’re only young once.”
“I spend enough time with them. Remember, I’m their favorite. Uncle Crane is their favorite uncle.” Crane can instantly get underneath Caleb’s skin.
“Is that what they tell you? They lie. I’m their favorite, hands down.” Caleb and Crane constantly fight about this, trying to outdo the other.
“The both of you are getting played by three-year-olds.”
Both of the males look at Cassius as if he’s said something so off the wall that it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever said.
“I heard your meet and greet didn’t go as planned.” Caleb’s words make Cassius’s shoulders stiffen.
“Not how I thought it would go. I’m going to go there and apologize to her.” Jealousy punches at the lower part of my gut. Why does he have to see the female again?
“You have a problem seeing what’s in front of you, Cash.”
“What do you mean?” Cassius squints slightly; he looks confused.
“You’ll figure it out.” Caleb’s eyes flash to mine, and he looks away. I feel the heat cling to my earlobes, and I want to crawl underneath the table. Caleb knows. I might get sick. If he knows, then everyone will know, because he can’t keep any kind of secret. He likes to tell everyone everything.
“You think Hazel’s sober?” Crane laughs. How did he find out?
“I would think so.” Cassius goes to the back door and grabs his keys.
“Let me drive. I have to mail a few pictures. I got this new printer paper, high gloss, the colors pop.” Caleb’s up and out the back door.
I can hear the music already thumping inside the van. When he bought the minivan, everyone laughed at him. He got it custom painted, matte black, big rims, limo tint windows. He told his parents he’s a family wolf now, but it doesn’t mean he can’t have style. He also told everyone not to be jealous and don’t copy him. They all need to come up with their own ideas.
Cassius opens the side door up. Once inside, he closes it behind me.
“Juice box?” Caleb reaches under his seat and pulls out a few boxes.
Cassius shakes his head no, and so do I.
“I fucking love these.” He spikes the box and sucks it up in one gulp, collapsing the container from the inside.
Once he’s done a quick two, we are on our way toward a she-wolf who doesn’t understand how lucky she is.
Letter 8
Sometimes I think love can be a disease or an addiction, or at least for me it is. My love grew and grew until I turned into something malignant that ate everything in the path of my love. I’m not sure there’s a cure for me. I’m not sure how I can be cured of my love for Clayton.
The thought of Clayton and Rya together keeps me up at night. I’m happy Dallas came back without Rya, but at the same time, I’m fucking struggling. I want Clayton to be happy. I want that, but a selfish part of me wants him to not be as happy as he was with me. Fucked up, right?
Do you think they’re fucking by now? I can’t stop thinking that Clayton is fucking Rya. It bugs me so much that he is probably fucking her. I wonder if he’s marked her yet? Is she better than me? I hope not. I know every line of Clayton. I know him better than he knew himself, and he knew me. He knew everything that I liked or didn’t like. We had no idea what we were doing when we were young, no idea. We learned together; we learned everything together. We hid it at first. We would sneak away to our island, the place where you found me. That was our secret spot. No one looked for us there. Ever.
It started off innocent at first, you show me yours I show you mine. But once you get a taste for that, there is no stopping wanting to do more than look. We started to touch each other; we kissed. Terrible at first, but we got better and better at it. I watched him the first time he was able to come, I was there for that, and he was there for mine when that happened to me with his fingers buried deep into my pussy and a finger in my ass. I came for the first time on his lap with my legs spread and his teeth pressed against my neck in our secret spot.
It was only natural for things to lead up to him and me having sex. It was once again clumsy, he couldn’t get it in the first time, but we kept trying until we both were left with blood smears between our legs.
He told me he loved me as he cleaned me up, and I told him I loved him, too. It was magical, on our island with only him and me. We always went back to our island; we went there to be alone, to live in our own world. We were our love story there in the cushion of moss. In my young mind, he was going to be my mate, and in his mind, I already was his mate. We just needed to shift to make it official.
Our parents knew. Our parents didn’t stop us. After all, our parents told us there was a good chance we would be mates. Everyone was excited when Clayton started his juvenile transition. I had this big plan on how we would announce it at school, and I’d be wearing this amazing outfit. I even had the nail polish picked out and what my hair would look like. I honestly thought I would be the next Luna, and everyone else thought so, too.
I want to be the best thing that ever happened to Clayton. I want him to be happy, but fuck, I want him to think back and realize I was the best. He loved me the most, and no one could love him better than me. I am so selfish. I am so fucking selfish that I want to be the one Clayton can never get over. I want him to realize that not even Rya can be better than what I was to him.
When you think back on me, I want you to know there is better out there than me. I want you to know that I wasn’t the best thing for you. I want you to understand that I really was never yours. Find yourself someone who loves you, that love the twins as their own. You will have a chance now to be loved and to give love back. Don’t fuck things up because you’re destroyed by my death. I destroyed you way before I died.
The world isn’t fair, Cash. It isn’t.
Kennedy
Chapter 9
Memories that Start Out Bitter
Caleb turns the wheel and looks at his brother, says nothing.
Silence crawls between them. A few minutes pass by, and I can feel Caleb has a lot to say; he’s just not talking yet.
“Clayton called me last night.”
“Yeah.” Cassius says the word sharp, clear and on edge. That’s the edge between these two brothers, Clayton.
“He said that you left on your own.”
“Yeah.” Cassius looks out the window, n
ot at his brother.
“It’s a start.” Caleb doesn’t look at his brother. Hopefully, time stops being stagnant now for Cassius.
“I guess it is.” He’s still looking out the window that’s slightly rolled down. His jaw muscles clench and unclench.
“Clayton’s looking for a Beta, Cash.”
“That’s not even funny. Stop.”
“Not interested?” Caleb mocks surprise.
“What about you? You’re his best friend.” The edge of Cassius’s tone sharpens.
“Still hostile?”
“Always.” The word seems to break between the l and w.
“You need to work on that. You can’t go through life hostile. Wolves notice, kids notice.” What Caleb says makes the side of Cassius’s jaw bulge out for a moment before relaxing. I used to think that Cassius was hostile, but I found out that he’s shy, and a little hostile, but shyer.
“Dallas should have killed Clayton.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard Cassius say this. Probably won’t be the last, either.
“You know why he didn’t, right?”
“I don’t care why. He had an opportunity and didn’t take it.” His words feel grizzled and chewed on.
Caleb touches his forehead, looks in the mirror, before those eyes hold on mine.
“If Dallas killed Clayton, Rya wouldn’t be left with a choice, and eventually she would have hated Dallas for taking the choice away from her.” Caleb talks patient and slow.
“Still, he should have killed him.” Betrayal to Cassius is lethal. It eats him from the inside.
“Then what? He’s dead, then what?” Caleb’s calm, but I can feel the tension roll off Cassius.
“I guess he would be dead, and that would be it.”
“Would it be it? Would it make that much of a difference?”
“To me it would. Maybe not to you, but to me.”
Silence bunches in a tight fist on Cassius. Caleb is tension-free, loose with his hair blowing in the wind because he rolled down the window all the way.
“Clayton thought it was a big step for you.”
“Fuck Clayton. Fuck his big step.” Cassius is riled up now with a hostile point of teeth.
“You can tell Clayton I’m only seeing him one more time, and that will be it. No more.”
“Listen, Cash, I’m not your go-between. You have something to tell him, tell him. Don’t use me as some sort of message machine bitch.” Caleb reaches down between the seat and pulls another juice box out and crushes it in a swallow.
“Why one last time?” He’s curious now, leaning slightly toward Cassius.
“I have something to give him, then it’s over between us.” Cassius looks out the window.
“I could give it to him if you want?”
Cassius’s head turns quick, his mouth opening slightly. “Are you for real?”
“What?” Caleb asks, and Cassius shakes his head with his tongue held except for the directions turn left or right.
“You seem mad. Are you?” Caleb pokes.
“I’m not mad.”
“You seem mad. Are you?” More pokes and Cassius grinds his teeth.
“We should do dinner tonight, my house, homemade pizza grilled on the barbecue. The kids can make their own. They like that, and maybe you can bring your better mood with you, Mr. Moody.” He pokes some more, and Cassius starts to laugh under his breath after a while.
“This road, turn here.” We drive slow. Cassius is scanning the area.
“Pull up here, beside the black truck.” The back of a male is facing us, and it looks like he’s locked out of his truck. He keeps trying the handle before he hits the side with the flat palm of his hand.
Cassius rolls down the window all the way, and the wolf looks at Caleb and Cassius before nosing inside. He stops, holding his eyes against my face. I’m polite; I smile, shoving my glasses back up the bridge of my nose.
“Tommie, right?” Cassius is not good with names, but he remembers this wolf’s name.
Tommie pauses. “Cash, right?”
“Right, this is my brother, Caleb.” Caleb gives him a nod, Tommie’s eyes fall all over him, and for a minute Caleb seems uncomfortable with the attention.
“I was wondering if you could tell me where Hazel lives?”
“Why?” The look that comes across Tommie’s face is very telling. Hazel is not his favorite wolf. I think it hurts him to say her name. It comes out sounding like rubble grinding together.
“I just wanted to apologize to her for yesterday. Clearly, I made her uncomfortable.” Tommie laughs with his hands on his knees, bent over. He laughs and laughs with tears starting in his eyes. He holds his gut.
“No, you didn’t. She doesn’t rattle easily. She’s not here, anyway. She’s left for Vegas on business.” My heart jumps in triumph. Not here. I try not to smile. I try.
“Do you have a number I can call her at?”
Tommie’s grin seems murderous as he reaches into his back pocket.
“As a matter of fact, I do.” He hands the card to Cassius, who touches the picture of her eyes on it. Caleb takes the picture from his hands and grunts with a disgusted shake of his head before tossing the picture back at his chest.
“Tommie.” A female on a bike rolls up with a small pup on the front of the handlebars of her bike and a male maybe six riding the pegs on the back frame.
She parks the bike before coming over to the truck. She has those delicate pretty looks, with a small nose and nice lips. Her eyes outstate her face, big and welcoming.
“Hello, Cash, hi, Treajure.” She remembers our names. I give her a little wave.
“Hi.” Cassius, by his tone, has forgotten her name. Addie’s eyes fall to her feet. If she was wearing glasses, they would have slipped off her face.
“Addie, her name’s Addie. You just met her last night.” Tommie’s words come out aggressive. Caleb straightens himself out. I can see a hint of teeth between the crack of his lips. Maybe even a small rumble from his chest that has no effect on Tommie.
“I knew that.” Cassius voices over the rise coming from Caleb’s Wild.
“What are you doing here?” Tommie ignores Cassius, turning to Addie. She lights up. Caleb’s back fur rises, and Cassius is calm.
“I brought them for a swim. They get crazy if they are cooped up in the house for too long.” Both the pups are off and running toward the backyard.
“Gotta go. Nice seeing you again. Cash and Treajure.” Addie waves to us before turning and following the running pups.
“Cash, you should call Hazel. Tell her I gave you the card. Make sure she doesn’t charge you the full price, not worth it. Trust me. She likes to be haggled with.” Tommie once again has murder spread across his face in the form of a smile.
Caleb pulls out of the driveway before opening his mouth.
“Not sure I like that wolf,” Caleb announces.
“Why?” Cassius asks.
“Did you see how he was looking at me? He either wanted to fight me or fuck me.” Caleb sounds a little shaken.
“Are you afraid to fight him?”
“Fuck no, I could take him. It’s just he looked at me a little too long. I felt like meat.” Caleb turns the wheel quickly, and I feel myself leaning to the side.
“Carson and Tommie went to school together.”
“I knew it, he wants me.”
“Not everyone wants you, Caleb.”
“You’re right, not everyone, but most do.” Caleb turns up his smile.
“I don’t think Tommie likes Hazel.”
“What gave you that impression?” There is a flatness to Cassius’s voice.
“Did you hear how he said her name? It was like his skin was being carved up.”
“True.” Cassius scratches at his beard.
“So Hazel. She has pretty eyes.” Caleb picks up the card again, looks at it, throws it back at Cassius’s chest. I want to scream, Toss it out the window, we don’t need it. You don’t need her.
“She does have pretty eyes.” A ghost of a smile traces on the words that just came out of Cassius’s soft lips.
“With a card like that, I wonder what she does in Vegas?” Caleb taps at the steering wheel with the palms of his fingers, nails pristine, not a chip in the paint. Cassius frowns.
“Are you really going to call her?”
“Yep.”
Caleb regards me in the rearview mirror before his eyes slide away.
My turn to look out the window and think quietly that I have to stop these feelings toward someone who will only leave ash in his wake.
Letter 9
You called me damaged, I called you insane. I’m not damaged. I was never abused, I was never hit, and I was never raped. I didn’t grow up with hunger; I didn’t grow up with parents who fought or had problems. I’m not damaged. My fault is I can’t get over love. I can’t get over Clayton. That’s not damage, that’s heartbreak.
But you, Cash, I’ve ruined you, haven’t I?
This isn’t some kind of heartbreak for you, because you have to be in love for heartbreak to happen. Let’s face facts. We don’t have the love. We have the bond. We have that between us but not love. You’re dealing with ruin, and I’m dealing with heartbreak.
It’s going to be hard, but you’re going to need to try and stuff your self-pity somewhere else after these twins are born. You won’t be good for them if you can’t rebuild what I destroyed. You need to be good for yourself in order to be good for them. They will need you, Cash. They will need a father who isn’t dwelling on what’s been ruined but what has been created.
You’re going to need to be selfless, not selfish. You’re going to need to put them first, not yourself. You have to stop focusing on the way you’ve been hurt or how shit didn’t work out for you. Drink a fucking beer and move fucking on. Harsh, I know, but sometimes you need to hear the things people want to say to you but don’t because they are afraid of hurting your feelings. I’ve never really cared about your feelings, have I?
The Wildflower Series Page 59