I won’t lie, fighting Rya that day felt so fucking good. She threw bread at me, and I almost laughed out loud. Bread. Of all the things she could have thrown and she picked bread. She might have got me good a few times, but I was kicking her ass. If we weren’t split apart, I would have killed her that day. I would have, and I don’t think I would have even felt bad about it. Would I regret it? Fuck no. The look Dallas gave me was intense. You stepped in front of that look. He hates me. I can see it in his eyes. He hates me. I think he’s a fucking dick for fucking with Rya in the first place.
It drove Clayton insane when he finally figured it out between Dallas and Rya. I mean, we ate at Dallas’s table and he ate at ours. We shared meals together. It pushed Clayton away from me, knowing that his mate had some wolf sniffing around her. We argued a lot. He even suggested that we break up. The bond was too much to fight anymore. He didn’t want to hurt me; he didn’t want to cheat on me or feel like he was cheating on me because he couldn’t stop the way his entire nature wanted to be with Rya.
We started having the talk underneath an apple tree. I bought him that tree. Can you believe that? He always loved his garden, even as a little pup. It started off with Clayton needing to talk to me. He wanted to be truthful. No lies. He put his hands on my shoulders, and I don’t know if he was trying to steady me or me steadying him. He told me that he and Dallas had a fight and that he can’t stay away from Rya. He can’t fight the bond anymore. We had to break up, not because he doesn’t love me, but because he loves me and respects me enough to understand that there was no more future with me anymore. Not when he couldn’t get Rya out of his mind, out of his dreams. It was like she started to infect him and the only cure was her. My cure for him was to kill Rya. It was the only way. He could be free of the bond; his Wild would be free to love someone else.
Cash, I’m that monster. I am a monster. I started to tell Clayton that we could get through this, that we could overcome anything together, and he told me I didn’t understand the pull of the bond. So I switched directions and asked him how is Rya going to love you after everything you’ve done to her? Now that question comes back to me. How can you try to love me after everything I’ve done to you?
Kennedy
Chapter 11
Lingers on the Edge of Change
The sky looks light grey, or maybe it’s blue…I’m not sure, but I wave good-bye with the twins as we watch Cassius pull out of the driveway early Friday morning. He couldn’t sleep last night, and neither could I. He tossed, I turned. I heard every shift of the mattress above me, every huff of breath. I heard him get up a few times to get a glass of water then back to bed. I couldn’t even look at him this morning, no matter how hard he tried to make me look at him. He packed his bags and I’ve packed mine.
At the beginning of the week when the twins were asleep, he remained hunched over his computer, searching, tracking this Hazel until he closed the screen down with victory spread across his face. “I got her, Specs,” he said to me. I couldn’t smile like he was.
He went shopping by himself, and when he came home, he gave Ken and Dee some new pajamas for their sleepover they were going to have with Uncle Caleb this weekend. He even bought me the match to Dee’s pajamas—she likes it when we match. I couldn’t resist peeking in the closet. My heart dropped when I unzipped the bag with a brand new suit inside it. He even bought new shoes and something to make him smell good. I’ve never seen Cassius wear a suit, ever. I went to bed before him that night. I slid under the bed and told myself I shouldn’t be underneath here anymore. It’s not right for him or for me. This was just a big game of pretending.
If it’s time for him to change, maybe it’s time I should, too. I’m not his wish. I was never his wish like he was mine.
Last night, he packed his bag, and I took out my earrings. They were only in there for him, and I have to stop making up stories that he’ll notice them on me. He won’t. So I put them back into the soft velvet case they came in. My weekend bag is packed, and a part of me wants to take all my belongings out of my room and bring them to Caleb’s house. I don’t because Belac is coming back, and they don’t need me in their space when she finally comes back.
“Treajure, that’s a lot of bags for a weekend.” Caleb picks up the two backpacks with worry spelled in the furrows between his eyebrows.
“You plan on staying for a while?” I shake my head no to him.
Luna Grace looks at my ears and stops everything she’s doing.
“Where did Cash go, Caleb?” Luna Grace asks very clearly.
“I’m not too sure. He said he needed to get away.” He gives an unclear answer. Caleb backs up because Luna Grace leans in on him.
“Where did your brother go?”
“He went to Vegas to meet up with Hazel.” Caleb can’t keep anything private. A little muscle and he squeals as if he’s been shanked with hot silver.
“He went to Vegas to meet Hazel?” Luna Grace takes a step back, concerned now.
“It was something he said he had to do.”
“What did he have to do?” Luna Grace steps into Caleb’s space and backs him against the wall. He can’t escape.
“I don’t know, Mom. What do you think he went to do in Vegas with Hazel?”
Luna Grace takes a big breath, looks up at the ceiling, lets the air out slowly, and pauses to regard me.
“Is that why you’re not wearing your earrings anymore, Treajure? You’re upset he went to Vegas to meet Hazel?”
It’s impossible to answer her the way I want to. I want to say that I have to change. I have to change, and I can’t keep pretending that Cassius is mine. He’s not. He never was, and now I think it’s best to put away those earrings that were bought on a whim and a wish. I really thought he would notice me wearing them. All he did was faintly grunt in his throat and look up at the ceiling as if searching for something. I have to stop pretending. I have to try to sleep in my own bed. It would be weird sleeping underneath his bed if he brings Hazel back here. I couldn’t handle it if I saw them kiss or if the kids started to love her. It would kill me slowly to see her give him the things I could never, like sleeping on a bed with him or answering a question he asks. Hazel is beautiful, and so was Kennedy. He has tastes that I can’t fulfill for him. I’m not blind; I know what I look like. It’s just Cassius made me feel important. Beautiful even. He made me feel like a full-grown female. At times I even felt I had breasts because I caught him a few times letting his eyes drop lower than my mouth. I felt on fire those times, and he would be so close to me, and his voice would drop, and I would think he might kiss me. He never did.
Luna Grace curses underneath her breath. She never swears. Ever.
“Why aren’t you wearing your earrings?” She doesn’t lean into me when she asks, but my glasses still fall to the floor. She bends down to pick them up and puts them back on my face. She kisses my forehead near the hairline; I see her kiss Rya this way, and before Belac left for the Wilds, she gave her a kiss like this as well.
“Sometimes I think Cassius can’t see what’s in front of his face.”
“That’s about right,” Caleb states while going after the kids who have already hopped into the van.
“It looks like you’re changing, Treajure.” Luna Grace stops me from going out the front door.
I nod my head yes.
“You need to do what feels right for you, Treajure. You will always have a place with us even if you think this isn’t right for you.” Her voice seems choky wet.
My cheek nudges hers before a hard press that lasts a long time, with my arms wrapped around her in a hug. I don’t cling to her like I used to. Instead, I hug her and she hugs me back.
“I understand, Treajure. There’s only so much a wolf can take. I understand. I hope Cassius will, too. We can’t force wolves in the directions we want them to go. We can nudge them, we can try to guide them, but we can’t force anything they’re not ready for. I’m proud of the direction you’re goin
g in. You’ve come a long way.” Once again, she kisses my forehead and smooths down my hair. I can feel her hand slide all the way to my lower back before she lets me go. I’m not sure, but why does this feel like some sort of goodbye?
“You’ve come a long way since I first met you.” She takes my hand in hers. “You’ve grown into a beautiful wolf. I consider you one of my own. No matter what happens, I consider you mine.” A claw comes out, and she holds my chin so I look right into her eyes.
“Maybe this is for the best. Sometimes wolves don’t understand what they have until it’s gone. He will notice…don’t think he won’t. He will notice, and don’t make it easy for him, Treajure. Make him work for what he wants, because in my heart I know he wants you.” She presses her cheek to mine once again before letting me go.
“Specs, let’s roll,” Ken hollers as the sliding door to the van shuts.
The music is not too loud, but loud enough for the twins’ ears. They are singing along to the song from one of their movies. Caleb is singing too as he backs up.
“First, who needs a juice box?”
Both of the twins raise their hands and say, “Me!”
“We are loaded up today, Treajure. Everything we need for the farm.” There is clapping, and the pups wiggle in their car seats.
“You like the farm, right?’ I nod my head because I do love the farm. I like to watch them play with their father and take care of Mrs. Oink and Mr. Bill. We all do our chores together until we run in the wildflower field and drop in the middle underneath the only tree that grows there. A big willow tree that’s dug its roots in a small pond its shade has created. We get to sit underneath the tree and have lunch that I made us. I know all their favorite foods and make sure we have lots of water so they don’t get dehydrated. It’s hard not to worry that they aren’t drinking enough. It’s some of my favorite times with them at the farm. Cassius once let me put my head on his lap when I felt so relaxed that I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep to his fingers running through my hair as I listened to the twins chase each other through the field. When I woke up from that nap, I couldn’t believe I fell asleep out in the open like that. That never happened before. He put his sketchbook away when I lifted my cheek from his thigh. He pretended I didn’t drool all over his worn jeans. They were threadbare in the spot my skin was pressed against, and I could feel his skin against mine.
“Are you all right, Treajure?” Caleb asks. I can’t answer him. I’m not really all right, but what did I expect for being in love with a fantasy? I played at pretend, and now, I’m paying the price of realizing that it wasn’t real.
“Hazel is not his type.”
I’d like to ask Caleb what’s Cassius’s type is, but I think he’s just doing it for my sake. Caleb turns up the movie in the back, down in the front.
“To tell you the truth, I don’t think Hazel would be a good fit, and not because she works in Vegas. Everyone needs to earn a living. Cash doesn’t need another Kennedy, and from what I’ve heard, she reminds me of Kennedy. He had that, and it was hard on everyone. We wanted to like her, we did. I couldn’t love her. She was the vilest creature I have ever met. True story. Don’t tell Cash. I told Clayton I didn’t like Kennedy once, and he punched me in the face. I don’t want to fight my brother. Kennedy isn’t worth brothers to fight over.” Caleb’s voice is hushed as he looks in the review mirror at the kids, who are now eating crackers and drinking their juice boxes, watching their favorite movie. I can never work the controls back there, but Ken’s mastered it.
“You know if you need somewhere to stay, you can come back?”
I reach out and pat him on his cheek.
“Will you shank me again?” His voice is a hard set of words. I shrug my shoulders, not knowing what to answer because I can’t promise that.
Caleb throws his head back and laughs. I’d like to ask him if he really thinks Cassius will fuck Hazel. I don’t ask; I keep the questions to myself. Deep down I know what he’s doing. Deep down I know.
Whenever we see someone he knows on the road, he waves and gives a honk.
“Who says you can’t live your best life driving a minivan?” The windows are down, and he’s smiling as if he owns the world.
Pulling up to the farm, Rya is standing there holding a bouquet of wildflowers. Her belly is slightly showing; she’s having a female. It’s the first time ever for a Valentine to have a female in their alpha line. Dallas puts Chance down to run toward the van when we stop.
Rya always smells better than the entire field of wildflowers. She makes me want to take big breaths in and out until I’m full of her scent. It tingles at my bones and makes me feel giddy, almost drunk, if I stay too long around her. Those are the times I want to kiss Cassius the most or touch him. My skin feels alive and excited when Cassius and Rya are out and I’m there with them. I get hungry, just not for food. For skin in my mouth, for teeth to scrape against flesh. For my tongue to taste him. Some other females say the same thing; they say they get horny for their mates being around Rya.
Cassius isn’t my mate, but when I’m around Rya, he feels like he could be. Those tingles, the feeling of his eyes on me, his scent changes, and I can actually taste it at the back of my throat. Once Cassius put his arms around me and held me on his lap and told me I smelled different when we had a sleepover at Rya’s house because Dallas was away at a seminar. He was stone hard underneath his pants. I felt it. His cock was hard, and I was on his lap. His hands were on my thighs, and I felt the shift of his hips. His breathing was hot, and I was on fire. Rya walked in on us and Cassius mumbled he had to go to bed. In the morning he said sorry that he had a lot to drink and it got away from him. Those words felt like an execution.
Cash hardly drank after that.
“Treajure, where are your earrings?” Rya curls my hair around my ear.
“Sore subject, Rya,” Caleb answers for me.
“What happened?”
“Cash is an idiot.” Caleb walks away, and Dallas and Rya are left staring at my face.
“I’m making wildflower soap today, Treajure. Do you want to help?” I nod my head with a smile, but a shriek from Ken has the Wild evacuate skin to fur with dizzying speed. The warrior goose has him lying on the ground as wings spread wide over the top of him. We smell Ken’s blood, and there is an execution of a goose that stood no chance against the teeth of a Wild. She tears into the bird, she rips out its feathers, she tosses it in the air. The Wild disembowels the fowl.
When Caleb tries to approach, the Wild shows him blood-dripping teeth that are sharper than a silver shank.
“That was aggressive,” Caleb says to chastise the Wild, but when he sees Ken’s bloody knee, even he wears a white flash of teeth.
“Don’t worry, Treajure, the goose had it coming,” Dallas says as he picks up Ken in his arms and looks at his gravel-riddled hands and his torn-up knee. Ken is still screaming as if all his lifeblood is coming out of his body. He cries as if he’s been torn apart.
“Ken, you get to choose the Band-Aid. Let’s clean that up.” Dallas has him in his arms—Dee and Chance are holding hands, following Dallas with concern in their eyes.
When Caleb tries to get close to the now torn apart goose, the Wild nips at his hand. Her kill, she won’t release it. She might even eat the bones; that’s how mad she is about Ken getting hurt on her watch.
We are left outside until nothing remains of the goose except feathers. Alpha Clinton has come to inspect the injured, and the Wild is so full she’s laying belly up in the sun with her tongue hanging out. He bends down and takes her jaw in his hand; her teeth remain tucked in tight, just like her tail.
“Good job.” He lets her face go, gives a quick scratch behind her ear, and walks toward the house. Ken has stopped crying, but his limp is excessive.
“Are you sure he didn’t break his leg?” Caleb asks. Dallas doesn’t answer him back.
“Good thing our little warrior was here.” Alpha Clinton picks up Ken
and holds him to him, smelling his neck with a small bite to his shoulder that doesn’t break the skin.
The Wild is full, Ken is safe, and her Alpha just called her little warrior. Her life is simple, and she rests in the sun, soaking up the rays, keeping one eye on the twins, content and happy.
Letter 11
Cash,
You asked me what was wrong last night before bed. I wanted to tell you, “Everything.” Everything is wrong; this entire situation between us is wrong. I’m wrong. You’re fucking wrong for not giving up on me. I’m not someone you should fight for, Cash. I’m not worth your fight. Instead of telling you what’s wrong, I faced the wall and pretended to fall asleep. You turned your back, pressed your spine against mine, and fell asleep for real.
I’m afraid Clayton will forget about me in time. He’s going to forget about us and how much I loved him. I don’t want to be forgotten by him, and it kills me inside that I might be. I’m afraid for him to move on, and what’s really screwed up is that I want you to forget about me. Forget about all of this; turn this into some kind of obscure dream that you can wake up and move on from.
I was tired today. I’m so tired. It was hard to lift the paintbrush, so you took it from my hand and finished the spot I was working on. You’ve gotten so good. I think in time, you’ll be a better artist than me. You should practice in all mediums, clay, charcoal, acrylics…try woodworking or stonework. I think you could be good at anything. It just takes time and patience, and I know you’ve got patience.
If the twins show promise in their art, cultivate it. Praise them and make them feel as if what they are doing is something meaningful and not just stupid drawings that will never amount to anything. My parents never supported my art; they didn’t think it was something you could make a living off of. I never went to art school. I should have gone. I was afraid to be away from Clayton, and he was afraid for me to be away from him. He didn’t support me going, so I stayed home.
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