The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays

by Tom Stoppard

  professor of philosophy … painter …

  INSPECTOR: And decorator?

  HOSTESS: No … lecturer … student… student… defence lawyer… Minister of Health in the caretaker government…

  INSPECTOR: What’s he doing now?

  HOSTESS: He’s a caretaker.

  INSPECTOR: Yes, well, I must say a column of tanks is a great leveller. How about the defence lawyer?

  HOSTESS: He’s sweeping the streets now.

  INSPECTOR: You see, some went down, but some went up. Fair do’s. Well, I’ll tell you what. I don’t want to spend all day taking statements. It’s frankly not worth the candle for three years’ maximum and I know you’ve been having a run of bad luck all round—jobs lost, children failing exams, letters undelivered, driving licences withdrawn, passports indefinitely postponed—and nothing on paper. It’s as if the system had a mind of its own; so why don’t you give it a chance, and I’ll give you one. I’m really glad I caught you before you closed. If I can make just one tiny criticism … Shakespeare—or the Old Bill, as we call him in the force—is not a popular choice with my chief, owing to his popularity with the public, or, as we call it in the force, the filth. The fact is, when you get a universal and timeless writer like Shakespeare, there’s a strong feeling that he could be spitting in the eyes of the beholder when he should be keeping his mind on Verona—hanging around the ‘gents’. You know what I mean? Unwittingly, of course. He didn’t know he was doing it, at least you couldn’t prove he did, which is what makes the chief so prejudiced against him. The chief says he’d rather you stood up and said, ‘There is no freedom in this country’, then there’s nothing underhand and we all know where we stand. You get your lads together and we get our lads together and when it’s all over, one of us is in power and you’re in gaol. That’s freedom in action. But what we don’t like is a lot of people being cheeky and saying they are only Julius Caesar or Coriolanus or Macbeth. Otherwise we are going to start treating them the same as the ones who say they are Napoleon. Got it?

  ‘MACBETH’: We obey the law and we ask no more of you.

  INSPECTOR: The law? I’ve got the Penal Code tattooed on my whistle, Landovsky, and there’s a lot about you in it. Section 98, subversion—anyone acting out of hostility to the state … Section 100, incitement—anyone acting out of hostility to the state … I could nick you just for acting—and the sentence is double for an organized group, which I can make stick on Robinson Crusoe and his man any day of the week. So don’t tell me about the laws.

  ‘MACBETH’: We’re protected by the Constitution …

  INSPECTOR: Dear God, and we call you intellectuals. Personally I can’t read that stuff. Nobody talks like that so it’s not reasonable to expect them to live like it. The way I see it, life is lived off the record. It’s altogether too human for the written word, it happens in pictures … metaphors… A few years ago you suddenly had it on toast, but when they gave you an inch you overplayed your hand and rocked the boat so they pulled the rug from under you, and now you’re in the doghouse … I mean, that is pure fact. Metaphorically speaking. It describes what happened to you in a way that anybody can understand.

  (BANQUO, henceforth CAHOOT, howls like a dog, barks, falls silent on his hands and knees.)

  INSPECTOR: Sit! Here, boy! What’s his name?

  ‘MACBETH’: Cahoot.

  INSPECTOR: The social parasite and slanderer of the state?

  CAHOOT: The writer.

  INSPECTOR: That’s him. You’re a great favourite down at the nick, you know. We’re thinking of making you writer in residence for a couple of years; four if you’re a member of a recognized school, which I can make stick on a chimpanzee with a box of alphabet bricks. (Smiles) Would you care to make a statement?

  CAHOOT: ‘Thou hast it now: King, Cawdor, Glamis, all As the weird sisters promised…’

  INSPECTOR: Kindly leave my wife’s family out of this.

  CAHOOT: ‘… and I fear

  thou playedst most foully for’t …’

  INSPECTOR: Foul… Fair… which is which? That’s two witches: one more and we can do the show right here.

  CAHOOT: ‘… Yet it was said

  It should not stand in thy posterity …’

  INSPECTOR: If you think you can drive a horse and cart through the law of slander by quoting blank verse at me, Cahoot, you’re going to run up against what we call poetic justice: which means we get you into line if we have to chop one of your feet off. You know as well as I do that this performance of yours goes right against the spirit of normalization. When you clean out the stables, Cahoot, the muck is supposed to go into the gutter, not find its way back into the stalls. (To ALL generally.) I blame sport and religion for all this, you know. An Olympic games here, a papal visit there, and suddenly you think you can take liberties with your freedom … amateur theatricals, organized groups, committees of all kinds—listen, I’ve arrested more committees (to ’BANQUO’) than you’ve had dog’s dinners. I arrested the Committee to Defend the Unjustly Persecuted for saying I unjustly persecuted the Committee for Free Expression, which I arrested for saying there wasn’t any—so if I find that this is a benefit for the Canine Defence League you’re going to feel my hand on your collar and I don’t care if Moscow Dynamo is at home to the Vatican in the European Cup.

  (‘BANQUO’ growls.)

  What is the matter with him?

  ‘MACBETH’: He’s been made a non-person.

  INSPECTOR: Has he? Well, between you and me and these three walls and especially the ceiling, barking up the wrong tree comes under anti-state agitation. I’m not having him fouling the system let alone the pavements just because he’s got an identity crisis.

  ‘MACBETH’: Your system could do with a few antibodies. If you’re afraid to risk the infection of an uncontrolled idea, the first time a new one gets in, it’ll run through your system like a rogue bacillus. Remember the last time.

  INSPECTOR: (Pause.) Yes. Well, a lot of water has passed through the Penal Code since then. Things are normalizing nicely. I expect this place will be back to normal in five minutes … Eh? Nice Dog! Well, I wonder what the weather’s like outside … (Moves) Please leave in an orderly manner, and don’t cheek the policeman on the way out.

  (’Phone rings. He picks it up … listens, replaces it.)

  Cloudy, with a hint of rain.

  (He exits.

  He leaves. The police car is heard to depart with its siren going.)

  CAHOOT:

  Let it come down!

  (The performance continues from Act Three Scene One. All exeunt except CAHOOT.)

  BANQUO:

  Thou has it now: King, Cawdor, Glamis, all

  As the weird women promised; and I fear

  Thou playdst most foully for’t. Yet it was said

  It should not stand in thy posterity

  But that myself should be the root and father

  Of many kings. If there come truth from them,

  As upon thee, Macbeth, their speeches shine,

  Why by the verities on thee made good

  (MACBETH enters.)

  May they not be my oracles as well

  And set me up in hope? But hush! No more.

  MACBETH:

  Tonight we hold a solemn supper, sir,

  And I’ll request your presence.

  Ride you this afternoon?

  BANQUO:

  Ay, my good lord.

  MACBETH:

  Fail not our feast.

  BANQUO:

  My lord, I will not.

  (Exit BANQUO.)

  MACBETH:

  Our fears in Banquo

  Stick deep; and in his royalty of nature

  Reigns that which would be feared. He chid the sisters

  When first they put the name of king upon me,

  And bade them speak to him. Then, prophet-like

  They hailed him father to a line of kings.

  Upon my head they placed a fruitless crown />
  And put a barren sceptre in my grip,

  Thence to be wrenched with an unlineal hand,

  No son of mine succeeding. If it be so,

  For Banquo’s issue have I filed my mind,

  For them the gracious Duncan have I murdered.

  Rather than so, come, fate, into the list And champion me to the utterance!

  (MACBETH moves screen to reveal two MURDERERS.)

  Was it not yesterday we spoke together?

  (Lights down.)

  IST MURDERER:

  It was, so please your highness.

  MACBETH:

  Well then now,

  Have you considered of my speeches? Know

  That it was he in the times past which held you

  So under fortune, which you thought had been

  Our innocent self.

  IST MURDERER:

  You made it known to us.

  MACBETH:

  I did so. Are you so gospelled,

  To pray for this good man and for his issue,

  Whose heavy hand hath bowed you to the grave,

  And beggared yours for ever?

  2ND MURDERER:

  I am one, my liege,

  Whom the vile blows and buffets of the world

  Hath so incensed that I am reckless what I do

  To spite the world.

  IST MURDERER:

  And I another,

  So weary with disasters, tugged with fortune,

  That I would set my life on any chance

  To mend it or be rid on’t.

  MACBETH:

  Both of you

  Know Banquo was your enemy.

  MURDERERS:

  True, my lord.

  MACBETH:

  So is he mine, and though I could

  With bare-faced power sweep him from my sight

  And bid my will avouch it, yet I must not.

  2ND MURDERER:

  We shall, my lord

  Perform what you command us.

  IST MURDERER:

  We are resolved, my lord.

  (EASY’s lorry has been heard to draw up outside.

  The MURDERERS go to the window and open shutters, MACBETH leaves saying.)

  MACBETH:

  (Aside) It is concluded! Banquo, thy soul’s flight,

  If it find heaven, must find it out tonight.

  (The MURDERERS take up position to ambush BANQUO. EASY appears at window and says.)

  EASY:

  Buxtons … Almost Leamington Spa.

  (The MURDERERS are surprised to see him. EASY disappears from window: they peer outside to see him, but meanwhile EASY has entered room.) Cakehops.

  IST MURDERER:

  But who did bid thee join with us?

  EASY:

  Buxtons.

  (Pause)

  2ND MURDERER:

  (With misgiving.) He needs not our mistrust, since he delivers

  Our offices and what we have to do

  To the direction just.

  EASY:

  Eh?

  IST MURDERER:

  Then stand with us;

  The west yet glimmers with some streaks of day.

  Now spurs the lated traveller apace

  To gain the timely inn; and near approaches

  The subject of our watch.

  (Pause)

  EASY:

  Eh?

  BANQUO:

  (Off-stage) Give us a light, here, ho!

  2ND MURDERER:

  Then ’tis he.

  (Enter BANQUO in window.)

  IST MURDERER:

  Stand to’t!

  BANQUO:

  It will be rain tonight.

  IST MURDERER:

  Let it come down!

  (The two MURDERERS attack BANQUO.)

  BANQUO:

  O treachery!

  (He flees off-stage with the two MURDERERS in pursuit, EASY remains, looking bewildered. The HOSTESS appears from the audience again.)

  EASY:

  Buxtons … cake hops … almost Leamington Spa…

  (The HOSTESS leads him off-stage. Light and music for MACBETH’s feast, MACBETH enters with LADY MACBETH and guests in attendance.)

  MACBETH:

  You know your own degrees, sit down.

  At first and last a hearty welcome.

  GUESTS:

  Thanks to your majesty.

  MACBETH:

  Ourself will mingle with society

  And play the humble host.

  (The GUESTS have brought their own stools and goblets, LADY MACBETH enters likewise. IST MURDERER enters with EASY, remaining at the edge of the stage.)

  Be large in mirth. Anon we’ll drink a measure

  The table round.

  (He sees IST MURDERER and goes to him.)

  There’s blood upon thy face!

  IST MURDERER:

  ’Tis Banquo’s then.

  MACBETH:

  Is he dispatched?

  IST MURDERER:

  My lord, his throat is cut; That I did for him.

  MACBETH:

  Thanks for that.

  Get thee gone! Tomorrow we will hear ourselves again.

  (Exit MURDERER, followed by EASY. During the scene EASY is hovering at the fringes, hoping to catch someone’s eye. His entrances and exits coincide with those for BANQUO’s GHOST, who is invisible, and he only appears in MACBETH’S eyeline. MACBETH does his best to ignore him.)

  LADY MACBETH:

  My royal lord,

  You do not give the cheer.

  MACBETH:

  Sweet remembrancer!

  Now good digestion wait on appetite,

  And health on both!

  ROSS:

  May’t please your highness sit.

  MACBETH:

  Here had we now our country’s honour roofed,

  Were the graced person of our Banquo present.

  ROSS:

  His absence, sir,

  Lays blame upon his promise. Please’t your highness

  To grace us with your royal company?

  Here is a place reserved.

  (EASY enters at door stage right.)

  MACBETH:

  Where?

  ROSS:

  Here, my good lord. What is’t that moves your highness?

  MACBETH:

  Which of you have done this?

  ROSS:

  What, my good lord?

  MACBETH:

  Thou canst not say I did it; never shake Thy gory locks at me.

  ROSS:

  Gentlemen, rise. His highness is not well.

  LADY MACBETH:

  Sit, worthy friends. My lord is often thus;

  The fit is momentary; upon a thought

  He will again be well.

  (She crosses to MACBETH.)

  Are you a man?

  MACBETH:

  Ay, and a bold one, that dare look on that Which might appall the devil.

  LADY MACBETH:

  O proper stuff!

  Why do you make such faces? When all’s done

  You look but on a stool.

  (EASY appears at window.)

  MACBETH:

  Prithee, see there!

  Behold! Look! Lo!

  (He points, but EASY has lost his nerve, and disappears just as she turns round.)

  LADY MACBETH:

  What, quite unmanned in folly?

  MACBETH:

  If I stand here, I saw him. This is more strange

  Than such a murder is.

  LADY MACBETH:

  My worthy lord,

  Your noble friends do lack you.

  MACBETH:

  I do forget.

  (He recovers somewhat.)

  Do not muse at me, my most worthy friends:

  I have a strange infirmity, which is nothing

  To those that know me. Come love and health to

  all!

  Then I’ll sit down. Give me some wine; Fill full!

  I drink to the gene
ral joy o’ the whole table,

  And to our dear friend Banquo, whom we miss.

  Would he were here! To all—and him—we thirst,

  And all to all.

  GUESTS:

  Our duties and the pledge!

  (However, EASY tries again, reappearing in MACBETH’s sight above screen stage right.)

  MACBETH:

  Avaunt, and quit my sight!

  (EASY quits his sight.)

  Let the earth hide thee!

  Thy bones are marrowless, thy blood is cold.

  LADY MACBETH:

  Think of this, good peers,

  But as a thing of custom; ’tis no other;

  Only it spoils the pleasure of the time.

  (EASY appears at the window again.)

  MACBETH:

  Hence, horrible shadow!

  Unreal mockery, hence!

  (He closes shutters. He recovers again.)

  Why, so; being gone,

  I am a man again. Pray you sit still.

  LADY MACBETH:

  (Aside to MACBETH.) You have displaced the

  mirth, broke the good meeting

  With most admired disorder.

  (To the GUESTS.) At once, good night.

  Stand not upon the order of your going;

  But go at once.

  (The GUESTS rise and depart.)

  ROSS:

  Good night; and better health