I swallow water. “Stop.”
But the hands have a vise-like grip. They drag me to the shore.
I cough, kick, and push. “Leave me alone.”
Nate’s grip tightens more.
“No, Shana. I can’t lose you too, baby.”
“Let go of me, Nate.”
“Shana,” a voice calls from far away, but I’m drifting.
“Tell me you didn’t let him jump at night? What the hell were you doing that you left your brother?”
“I . . . I didn’t. Jackson went without me.”
“Judge, you need to let your daughter go. I know this is hard on you and your family, and I’m sorry for your loss. We have a priest . . .”
“What for? To have them tell me why God took away everything I had?”
“Sorry . . . I’m sorry, please . . . please.”
Hands shake me and pat my face. “Shadow, wake up.”
I blinked awake and found Nathan’s face inches away from my own.
“You were yelling for Jackson,” he said softly and wiped my wet cheeks. Something about the affection in his eyes made me look away. His tenderness stroked my heart too much.
I swallowed. “Bad dream.”
“I know that dream,” he said, his tone gentle. “I have the same one sometimes. I wish we didn’t go swimming that night . . . Jackson had a way of talking the devil into a contract.”
I sniffled and laughed. “Yeah, Jackson did, didn’t he?”
“I miss him too,” he said. “He was our Maverick.”
“I always cast you as Maverick,” I said before I could stop myself.
A smug smile spread across his face. “Yeah, I know you were crazy about me. Remember when he had us all watch Top Gun before our tandem jump?”
“Before everything,” I said, and we laughed. “Jack always pushed the limits . . .”
I closed my eyes to shut out the pain. “Yeah, well . . .”
“You need to talk about him, Shadow. It’s going to eat you up inside if you keep everything in.”
“No psychobabble,” I joked, but he frowned.
“Psychobabble is better than numbing yourself. The pain still comes back.”
“I’m not an addict, and you’re not perfect. You’ve been drunk before,” I pointed out.
“In high school. I never drink to excess, and I don’t take drugs. Neither one ever makes you escape anything bad in your life.”
He tried to hug me, and I broke out of his arms. “Stop. I don’t want to talk about Jackson, and I don’t want to feel bad . . .”
“You don’t want to feel.” He lay on his back and sighed heavily.
I stared at him comfortably naked. His flame tattoos went with his sculpted body, cut like a god. I had been feeling better, and now I was back where I was before, miserable with nightmares.
Reaching over, I wrapped my hands around his cock. “I do want to feel, just not sad. Sometimes the little escapes, or actually big ones in your case, make things better.”
He grew hard in my hand but closed his around mine to stop me. “I’m not an escape, and I won’t be used for one.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I said, but he swung his legs to the side of the bed and sat up. “You can sleep in here.”
He sat up and waited—he wanted to stay with me—but I’d have to open up to him and share more than my body. The dream waited too, and I couldn’t go back there. Every time, it cut me up and made me wonder if Jackson had expected me to follow him that night. If he was all alone and needed me now. I bit into my cheek to stop the pain as tears threatened. Nate didn’t trust me, and I had to handle that. I had to say something, or he’d go.
“Nate. Stay, please. I don’t want to be alone,” I said, my voice thick.
He turned and pulled me onto his lap and cupped my face. He smiled and kissed my forehead.
“Happy now?” I smiled. That was Nathan. I couldn’t be upset for long with him. His smile lifted me.
“Yeah, I am,” Nathan murmured against my lips. And some of the weight that pressed on me lifted. “Jack never did what he didn’t want to do. What happened wasn’t your fault. No matter who tries to blame you, he did stunts when you weren’t with him too.”
“Do you ever think maybe . . . he was upset about the two of us? That he was doing it as revenge?”
He shook his head. “Nope. I believe even if we hadn’t been together and having a good time, Jackson would have done the jump. He’d get something in his head, and he had to do it.”
“So did I,” I said.
Nathan shook his head. “No. You had your own thoughts too, Shana. Jackson even pointed out that you were changing.”
I licked my lips. I was and stopped, I supposed. I hadn’t allowed myself to think much about it. “Was . . . was he upset about me changing?”
“No. Jack was feeling better about going to college and going pro in baseball. He was more confident that he could leave you and trust you’d be fine. He loved you.”
I hunched my shoulders. “You might have told me that before. I guess I forgot . . . I just—”
“Needed to hear it again,” Nathan said, finishing for me. “I’ll tell you forever until you believe it in your soul. Any memory you want to talk about, I’m here for you, baby. Always.”
Nate didn’t make me say anything else. He wrapped me up in his arms and held me for the longest time. And in his arms, I fell back to sleep, dreamless and content.
Make yourself at home. (Don’t freak out)
Coffee and muffins in the kitchen – Nathan xx
The blinds were slightly open, with the sun pouring in from a beautiful bay window. I rose, opened it, and looked at the flower canopies he’d planted beneath. The room, now lit, looked lovely and organized. However, the style—two-tone wainscoting, neutral carpet, inset lighting with linen bedding—didn’t match Nathan at all, like he started to decorate and stopped. He worked a lot, so I understood. Then again, Nate had a romantic streak. He’d want to keep things neutral for the woman he planned to spend his life with. So they’d finish it together.
I put on one of many neatly folded white T-shirts I found in his walk-in closet. Then I gave myself a quick house tour. Unlike his three empty bedrooms upstairs, the downstairs had the bachelor-pad feel, with a large flat-screen and a well-worn brown leather sectional couch. That was where he unwound.
I stopped my tour, went into his modern kitchen with all the gadgets, and poured myself a coffee. Afterward, I sat on the back patio and gazed over his fenced-in yard. He’d made it beautiful with juniper trees, shrubs, and flowers. The best part was the small gazebo with a double padded seat. I imagined dreaming there while watching the stars.
When my cup was empty, I used his espresso machine again to make a latte. Instead of drinking it on the back porch, I took a cup to Maeve.
“You spent the night at Nathan’s?” She smiled and gave her approving nod to the latte before starting in.
I shrugged and glanced down at my cup. “We’re just having—”
“Don’t say you’re just having fun,” Maeve said. “We both know there is more at stake here than just having fun and Nate doesn’t do fun with you.”
“I do fun with him,” I half-joked.
“You also caused a scene at Hooligan’s out of jealousy.” She folded her arms. “The fact of the matter is you are here for an unspecified amount of time. Your court case, community service, your mom. If you are just passing through, you could potentially be here for more than just having fun permits. And he deserves more than he’s gotten from other women around here. A night of fun. Romp in the hay. You get me?”
She wasn’t wrong. I knew every bit of what she said was true. But what could I have said? What happened, even though we were together before, was new. “Yeah, Maeve, I get you.” She put down her cup.
“I’m just reminding you to be careful. I know you care about my brother, wouldn’t be surprised if you were still in love with him. But at places like Hooligan’
s, his coworkers are there.”
My face heated. I didn’t know what came over me last night. I just knew I was hurt and wanted Nathan to be with me. “So don’t embarrass your brother. I got your message.”
“It’s not a message; it’s the right thing to do. Nate can handle anything. He can be good to you, but since you’re moving on and don’t want more than ‘fun,’ try to keep the drama down.” She winked at me.
Maeve told me straight, and I respected her for it. I hadn’t thought about anything except that I didn’t want Nate with anyone but me. I knew how selfish it was, and it was one of the main reasons I didn’t want to stay after we broke up. I knew I couldn’t handle seeing him with someone else.
“Come on and stop thinking so much,” Maeve said, interrupting my thoughts. “Hell, I’d tell anyone off in this town if they talked bad about you or anyone else I care about. I just want you to think, and I say that with love.” She squeezed my shoulder, and I put on a smile. Hell, I laughed and joked until she left, while my heart cut up in my chest. Maeve didn’t say it, but I bet she would prefer Nathan was with someone she didn’t need to tell to behave.
When she left for work, I slumped down on the couch and searched through channels to find something to watch. Once I did, I rose to get a bagel from the kitchen. On my way back, my phone buzzed. Dad.
I answered. “Yes?”
“Hello, Shana. I called to invite you out on the boat.”
Sounds like another family outing to drop bad news.
“I agreed to try to donate my bone marrow for Mom. Is your boat trip about the redhead I spied getting into your car? No thanks. I don’t need fun in the sun to handle Mom’s and your breakup. Although, it would’ve been nice to know before everyone in Sunnyville.”
“I refuse to gossip over the phone like a teenager with you. I saw Aaron at the club, and he agreed to give you the day off tomorrow. You love going out on the boat and swimming in the ocean. We will return by sunset.”
My lips parted. “You checked up on me?”
“Of course I did. You’re my daughter. I want to know how you get on.”
You could call me. “You should have checked with me first. I have something with Nathan.” We didn’t have anything formal planned, but he had the day off. I hoped we’d do something together.
“Nathan Donleavy? He’s a police officer. How is that supposed to work with your legal issues? You and Jackson, always pouring gas on fires.”
“Nathan’s not on the case. He’s been helping me as much as he can. You say that about Jackson, but I thought you believed he was perfect.”
“No. I never claimed Jackson was perfect. He was young, driven, impulsive, and reckless. He was my only son and the only one I could . . .” His voice muffled, and he went silent on the line.
“Could what, Dad?” I asked.
“Nothing. I need to go. I need a decision—”
“I’ll come,” I said and hung up and sunk down on the couch. I didn’t know what to make of what was going on with him. I called Nathan and gave him a quick rundown.
“How are you handling the separation?” he asked, his tone gentle. Nathan and I had touched briefly on my parents and how I’d had no idea they were separated. And it had stung to think neither of them said anything to me. Of all people to tell me, it had to be Amber.
“I’m in shock. My parents didn’t fight. They were always happy . . .”
My voice trailed off as memories surfaced. Some with the photos on the walls that had been around the house. Most were of good times when we were all young as a family. In the later family photos, their smiles had changed. After Jackson died, I couldn’t remember when they were in the same room together.
“Are you there, do you want me to come back? I could try to switch my shift?” Nathan asked.
“No. But if you could come with me on the boat tomorrow, just in case I have to meet the other woman, or he decides to lecture me on how screwed up I am.”
I tried to make it a joke, but inside my stomach was pins and needles. I wanted Nathan with me.
“I’ll come. I have a few favors I can call in. We can have fun.”
Fun, that was the way I described him earlier to Maeve. But the uneasy feeling I had at hearing him say it back let me know she’d been right. There was no “fun” with Nathan.
There was only feeling.
There was only falling.
Shana
“Ahoy, Shadow,” Jackson’s ghost called from the bow of Dad’s super motor yacht, Unchained Melody, on Fox Point Marina’s pier. He tipped the captain’s hat he had on, his arm extended out over the hull.
My eyes fixed on Jackson as my heartbeat drummed fast with excitement. “Ahoy.” I rushed forward to meet him, as if I’d forgotten he was dead. He let go of the hat, and it caught the wind, soaring across the cloudless blue sky to descend into the waves that would carry it out of sight.
“Shana?” Nathan’s long-legged stride reached my side in no time.
“Wait,” I whispered, holding up my hand. But Jackson didn’t.
He faded away, and my heart sank.
Nathan moved his face close to mine, his blue eyes searching. “Are you all right?”
“Yes,” I mumbled. I took a step, and he caught my waist, stopping me.
“If it’s about Jack, you can tell me. Hell, the second we pulled up here, I thought of him running down the pier to climb aboard. You right behind him.”
“Yeah.” My eyes dropped down to my sandals. “Being on the ocean felt like living an adventure. I’d jumped in with dreams of turning into a mermaid and becoming a princess beneath the sea.”
Nathan lifted my chin up and gave me one of his broad smiles that made my chest flutter. “You’re a princess on land and sea.”
I laughed. “Another cheesy line?”
“They work on you.” He kissed my lips and placed his arm around my shoulder, and we walked the rest of the way to the yacht’s port-side entrance. Two staff stood ready to help us board.
We had only made it halfway down the deck before Dad came around the side. He wasn’t alone. A middle-aged redhead in a V-neck and jean skirt came with him. She was short and curvy, with chin-length bobbed hair and no makeup. Everything Dad had expressed he wasn’t a fan of. His polo shirt was unbuttoned at the top. Who was this man?
“Hello, Shana. Nathan. I’d like you to meet Ruby,” Dad said and shook Nathan’s hand.
I crossed my arms. “What the hell is she doing here, Dad?”
“Beautiful but sassy. We’re all adults. I thought it would be better to remove the rest of the Band-Aid,” Ruby answered for him. “I’ve been seeing your dad for six months. Oh, and so you know, I’m divorced, not interested in remarrying, and I’ve got plenty of my own money. Does that cover it all, Holden?”
Dad actually laughed. “Yes. I believe so.”
I bristled. “I can’t believe you’d do this now.”
Ruby took Nathan’s arm. “Why don’t you and I eat and give them a chance to talk alone? You can tell me where you got your ink done. I’ve got a tiger I wish I’d never gotten on my lower back.”
I raised my brows at Dad, and he didn’t even flinch. “Body art, seriously?” He was the same man who freaked when Mom got a temporary henna tattoo on her ankle.
“That’s a great idea, Ruby. See you soon.” Nathan pecked my lips.
They disappeared down the stairs to the dining room below deck.
“Can we talk and have breakfast on deck, Shana?”
I followed him on the aft deck to sit on the half-moon built-in cream leather cushion seats before the large table. We both sat back and watched the cast-off from land out to the sea. A spray of water misted the air. I inhaled the salted scent of the ocean and sighed. I’d missed this. Dad’s staff came over and raised the hidden dining table. They brought out sliced fruit, cheese, bread, and French fruit-filled tarts that were my favorite.
“I always loved those,” I said, picking one up and biting
into it.
A ghost of a smile crossed his lips. “I remember.” He cleared his throat. “Now, the truth. We’re not divorced, on paper. But we both agreed a year ago our marriage was over.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
“Honestly, I hoped things would change. We tried to change our lives together.”
“The house . . . you erased our family photos.”
“Looking at the way we all were every day became unbearable. But it didn’t make things easier.”
I sighed. I found that too. It hurt to see and not see.
“We invited you back last summer.”
“Last summer was brutal. I had to rework the winter-season style theme with two designers.” Even though you both turned me down when I asked for more money from my trust.
“I see you’re still upset about the money. I approved a large sum last January. You wanted to expand when your foundation wasn’t solid.”
“Most businesses need at least five years. You expected success in two because I needed it.”
“You were drowning in debt, Shana. The amount needed to profit was greater than the output. Your trust was covering the bulk of finances without enough partners. I never said give up. I wanted you to make the responsible conclusion yourself . . .”
I didn’t want to give up. I had many meetings with accountants and lawyers, graphic designers, that filled every hour. All the extra marketing worked, but not enough subscribers. I tried to be strong like you and prove I can be a success on my own.
So you’d be proud of me as much as you were of Jackson.
On my own I faltered. I wish I could tell him he was wrong, but the company needed more development. I learned from making mistakes, but in business, mistakes were costly.
“You will oversee your trust, Shana; it’s still what I want for you. And your company was a good idea. You’ll have more.”
My heart jumped inside. “You think so?” Dad thought my ideas were good? He’d never said that before.
“I know.” He smiled. “Now Ruby. Our relationship wasn’t an affair. We decided to date after Mom and I agreed to divorce.”
Command: An Everyday Heroes World Novel (The Everyday Heroes World) Page 18