Shelley pretended to be shocked and shook her head. ‘I take my babysitting duties very seriously.’
Lara laughed. Since Shelley had begun to defrost, she really was quite funny. ‘I’ll just go and get some glasses.’
Despite protesting to Matt that she was more than happy to spend the evening alone, it was nice to have Shelley here. Lack of alcohol aside, it felt like the kind of evening she might have had with a girlfriend in the old days before life got complicated. She was still thinking about this when she walked back into the lounge. There was something that had been itching at her since Shelley’s haircut. ‘I’ve been thinking about that woman you talked about in the hair salon – the one who didn’t come to Greg’s funeral.’
The pressé fizzed as Shelley filled their glasses. ‘Emily?’
‘Yes. Did she really cross the road when she saw you coming?’ Imagining this had twisted something inside Lara; what a horrible thing to happen to her friend.
Shelley passed one of the glasses over. ‘Yep. And she’s not the only one. I’m sure they think they’ve got away with it. A quick glance in my direction and then suddenly they are staring into the middle distance, intent on getting somewhere, anywhere that is not facing up to me.’
‘It made me think because,’ Lara twisted the glass in her hands, ‘because the same sort of thing happened to me. Not that anyone crossed over the road but they did kind of ignore me.’
Shelley tilted her head. ‘Go on.’
‘When I had the first miscarriage, not many people knew about it. But the second time, we made it past the twelve-week stage and we thought we were safe. I mean, we didn’t take out a full-page ad in the local paper or anything, but we did tell our friends. And then, when we lost the baby, there were some people who just… I don’t know, just kind of disappeared from our lives.’
Natalie had been one of those people. She’d sent a card, saying how sorry she was. Then a text to say she was ‘there if you need me’, and she had even popped round one evening with flowers. But Lara knew she’d had a group of mutual friends over for the evening more than once and not invited her. It had hurt.
Shelley was nodding. ‘I think we bring the party down. Seeing us makes them realise how quickly things can change. It makes them uncomfortable.’
‘Do you think that’s what it is?’ Lara hadn’t made much effort to see Natalie either; too weighed down by sadness to pick up the phone and organise anything. But she’d needed company. Sitting in a room of women chatting about anything other than the thoughts circling her mind would have done her a world of good. ‘I used to think it was because they wanted to talk about their children and they felt like they couldn’t do that around me.’
Shelley shrugged. ‘It could have been that too.’ She sipped at her drink. ‘For the first couple of months after Greg… after the funeral, I didn’t want to see anyone really. Then, when I was ready, there was no one around. It was as if the world had moved on and I was still here. Stuck.’
‘Yes. That’s exactly how I felt. Everyone else was having children and meeting at baby clubs or soft play centres and I didn’t fit into that world. It was like this great new club they’d all joined and I’d been refused membership.’ Lara paused. Maybe Shelley had felt like that after her miscarriage too. She didn’t want to rub salt in the wound.
But Shelley was nodding again. ‘For me, I used to be in a club. The cosy married couples club. Then I wasn’t a couple anymore. I was just a single and it felt like I was an inconvenience, someone that needed to be accommodated somehow.’
‘Like an odd shoe?’ That’s how Lara had described it to Matt when she’d told him how upset she was about it.
‘Yes. Exactly like an odd shoe.’ Shelley smiled. ‘Size six.’
‘Me too!’ Lara leaned forwards and clinked her glass onto Shelley’s. She looked her in the eye. ‘I’m glad we moved next to you. We’ve spoken in a way I haven’t spoken to any other friends.’
Shelley looked uncomfortable. ‘I still feel guilty that I lied to you. About Greg, I mean. That I let you think that he’d left me. And I’ve been feeling guilty about the things I’ve told you about him too.’
That was strange. She’d done nothing wrong as far as Lara could tell. ‘What do you mean?’
Shelley put her drink down, turned to face Lara as if she’d been planning this speech for a while. ‘I was so angry with him. About the baby. It wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t changed; I had. But I hated him for it.’ When Shelley looked up, her bottom lip quivered and she bit down to keep it still, closing her eyes for a few moments. ‘All the stories I’ve told you, my memories. They’ve been tainted by how angry I’ve felt. I was so mad at him for saying no to trying again for a baby and then, when he… when he died, I just got angrier.’
When she opened her eyes, they were so full of pain it almost hurt Lara to look at her. ‘It’s normal to feel angry when you’ve been bereaved. And you hadn’t long lost your baby either.’ If anyone knew how angry that injustice could make a person, Lara did.
Shelley hadn’t finished. ‘But it coloured every memory I had. I couldn’t think of anything he’d said and done without blaming him somehow. The trouble is, when someone dies, everyone starts talking about them as if they were a saint. He was so kind. So generous. So perfect. But he wasn’t. He was bossy and he liked things to be done his way and he thought he knew best about everything. When people – some of whom he hadn’t seen in years – kept saying these things to me at the funeral, I just wanted to scream at them, No, he bloody well wasn’t!’ Shelley’s eyes flashed in anger and then seemed to burn themselves out. ‘But I don’t want you to think he was a bad husband, because he was a lovely husband in so many ways. Like leaving little messages in the cutlery drawer for me to find after he went to work. Or if he saw something funny when he was out, he would take a picture and send it to me. And I only had to mention that I wanted a new hairdryer or mobile or other random thing and he would be online researching it for me and finding what was best. He liked to look after me and I didn’t ever tell him that I wanted otherwise.’ She sighed. ‘I guess what I’m saying is, he wasn’t perfect, but he definitely wasn’t the complete control freak I’ve made him out to be. And I did love him and I do miss him so very much. I don’t even know who I am or what I am supposed to be without him here.’
The tears in Shelley’s eyes spilled down her cheeks and Lara reached out for her hand. ‘Oh, Shelley, of course you miss him.’ She pushed a box of tissues across the table and Shelley ripped two from the top, wiped at her eyes roughly and blew her nose. Her hands were trembling. Lara gave her a few moments to compose herself before speaking. ‘Like I said, anger is a common part of grief; there’s no reason to feel guilty about it. And as for not knowing who you are? You need to give yourself some time.’
Shelley nodded; she was folding a tissue over and over. ‘I was reading the joy book last night in bed. The chapter about your emotions: In order to heal, you have to feel.’
Lara remembered that one well. It had been a difficult lesson and, going by her conversation with Matt the other night, one she was still learning. ‘What did you think of that idea?’
‘Initially I hated it – I nearly threw the book across the room.’ Shelley wiped at her nose again. ‘But it’s true, isn’t it? I’ve been doing the opposite. Shoving everything of Greg’s into that room. Trying not to remember. Or feel. Or think. And now…’ She gulped down a sob. ‘Now I am feeling everything. Anger. Shame. Guilt. Fear. They’re coming at me like missiles and I just can’t cope.’
Lara knew how that felt. To be assailed on every side and want to barricade yourself in. To hide away. But hiding was a dark place and she didn’t want Shelley to spiral down into that pit. ‘And love?’ she said softly. ‘What about love?’
Shelley moaned, tears falling freely. ‘That’s the most painful one of all,’ she whispered. ‘Oh, Lara. I loved him so much.’
Lara put a hand on Shelley’s back and Shelle
y leaned inwards so that her head was on Lara’s shoulder, and she sobbed. It was all Lara could do not to join in with her. The pain in her cries was so raw. Her grief so fresh. An observer might guess that her husband had died yesterday rather than a year ago. But grief doesn’t have an expiry date. Had Shelley had anyone to hold her like this as she cried? Lara was so grateful for Matt; she couldn’t have got through her loss without him by her side. But Shelley had been all alone.
As Shelley’s cries calmed, she righted herself, not able to look Lara in the eye. ‘I’m sorry. I just haven’t had anyone to… to say all that to.’
Lara shook her head. ‘Don’t apologise. It must be so hard when the one person you’re closest to is the one person you can’t talk to. You can talk to me anytime, though.’
‘Thanks.’
Something else occurred to Lara. Could she suggest it to Shelley? Or was it overstepping the mark? She had to try. ‘Look, you can tell me to mind my own business if you want, but have you thought about getting in touch with Dee?’
Shelley looked a little guarded. ‘I have thought about it, yes. But I’m not sure I can do it. It feels too hard.’
* * *
The rest of the evening was quiet but pleasant. They watched The Wedding Date on Netflix, ate the snacks that Matt had bought for them before he went out and progressed from the elderflower pressé to cups of tea. Before Shelley left, she followed Lara to the kitchen carrying the tray with the snack bowls, mugs and wine glasses. After laying it down on the counter, she turned to look at Lara. ‘I’m really sorry about getting so upset and offloading all that onto you earlier. It must be the haircut. Maybe I’m like Samson – all my strength was in my hair.’
Lara nudged her. ‘I hope that doesn’t make me Delilah. Wasn’t she a right cow? Anyway, that’s what friends are for.’ She paused. ‘You’ve come a long way in the last few weeks, Shelley. You should give yourself some credit. And you’ve had a lot to think about with your job and everything too. Have you made a decision about that?’
Shelley shook her head. ‘What do you think I should do?’
Was it because she was so used to pleasing Greg, or had Shelley always been this indecisive? Lara held up a hand. ‘Oh, no you don’t. I learned my lesson from the haircut. You need to do what you want to do. There is no should.’ She had been thinking about Shelley and this promotion. It sounded like Greg had had a really good job, so wouldn’t there be a chance Shelley had been left quite comfortably off? ‘Also, I don’t want to be insensitive, but I’ve had to deal with quite a few wills in my time. Do you need a job? Financially, I mean. When your company is taken over, do you need to go straight into another job?’
Shelley looked as if she was considering this for the first time. ‘Well, I do need to get a job, but, no, I suppose it’s not super urgent. I mean, Greg was very good with life insurances and things, so the mortgage has been paid in full. And we have savings…’ She looked at Lara. ‘You don’t think I should go for the promotion, do you?’
Lara wanted to shake her. ‘I’m not saying that. What I think is immaterial. What is it that you want to do?’ When Shelley didn’t answer, she continued. ‘Do you even know for sure what the new job entails? Why don’t you book a meeting with your manager and ask him? At least then you can make an informed decision.’
Shelley nodded. She didn’t look certain but she nodded. ‘Okay. I’ll speak to him in the morning.’
36
Shelley
The passenger door of Steve’s BMW 6 Series made an expensive thud as she closed it. When Shelley had called to ask him about the job, he’d insisted she join him for lunch to talk it through and her attempt to use an urgent visa application as an excuse had failed because Flora had offered to do it. Traitor.
However, Flora had immediately made it back into her good books by telling her how great she was looking. It wasn’t just her outward appearance that had improved. On the inside too, she felt better than she had in months. The box room was nearly clear, she’d been back to Lara’s gym to enrol as a member and was even getting used to her new, shorter hair. The promotion – and what to do about it – was the logical next piece of the puzzle. So why was she feeling so apprehensive?
There was nowhere decent to eat on the industrial estate where the office was situated, so Steve had driven ten minutes down the road to a pub, only a couple of miles from Shelley’s house. Though it was surprisingly busy for a Wednesday lunchtime, they managed to get a table in the corner. Steve took off his jacket and draped it over the back of his chair, making it difficult not to notice through his shirt sleeves how toned his arms were. God, it was so strange being here with another man. When were these butterflies in her stomach going to stop? It’s just business.
‘I don’t know what you fancy but their sandwiches are really good.’ Steve squeezed himself in opposite and handed over a menu. She stared at it. Nothing appealed. Was it because the table between them was so small that this felt more intimate than it should?
Steve didn’t seem to have the same problem deciding. ‘Ham hock baguette for me. I’ll go and get us a drink while you’re looking. What would you like?’
Now they were in the pub together, her nerves were almost strangling her. ‘I’ll have a… erm… a…’
Steve smiled; his face kind. ‘Wine? Coke? Water?’
She let out a long breath ‘A sparkling water would be great.’
While he was gone, she tried to compose herself. There was no need to be so anxious. This was just a lunch with her boss to talk about a possible new role. Lara had worked on her CV for her – deleting about thirty superlatives that Flora had added – but she still hadn’t sent in her application. Indecisiveness had been permeating her life. What to wear. What to watch. Even what to eat for lunch. What had Lara said? Just find out more.
So, when Steve got back with the drinks, she put the menu down and got straight to business. ‘I’m not sure that this job is right for me.’
Steven was mid gulp from what looked like a pint of shandy and he coughed in surprise at her directness. ‘What is it you’re not sure about?’
He was looking at her so intently that her stomach flipped over. ‘I don’t know. It’s just a big change from what I’ve been doing. I know what I’m doing at the moment and I like that it’s a small office; we all work well together here. A move to a huge company in town is just so… different.’
He looked ready for that argument. ‘But different can be good.’
Different had not been working out tremendously well for her. ‘Yes… I know…’
‘You don’t sound certain.’
How could she tell him without getting into a deep and meaningful explanation? ‘It’s just more change. And I’m not sure this is a good time for me.’
Steve took a deep breath and sat up as if he was about to deliver a prepared speech. ‘Look, I know it’s really soon for you to be making a decision like this. Ideally you wouldn’t have to. But the company has been sold. So, I’m assuming it’s either this or look for a whole new job altogether. At least you know our company. You know how the systems work. Surely going somewhere new would be a lot more difficult?’
She’d considered this too. ‘Maybe.’
Steve started to get into his pitch. ‘And it’s not that you have to start work there for a while yet. We will wind down this office over the next three months. Your move to London can be as gradual as you want it to be.’
He was being so kind. She knew that. ‘I haven’t had a long commute into London since I was a student.’
‘Well, that’s something you’ll just get used to again, I reckon. You never know, you might even like being in London. There’s a lot more life up there than there is around here, that’s for sure.’
Steve froze with his pint halfway to his mouth. She waited for what she knew was coming. ‘I am so sorry. That was completely tactless of me. I didn’t mean—’
She held up a hand to cut him off. ‘Please. Don’t apolo
gise. I didn’t take it that way at all.’ This was what happened. People panicked every time they used the word ‘life’ or ‘death’ around her. It’s what she had tried to explain to Lara. Why she hadn’t told her from the beginning about Greg. She just wanted to be treated normally.
Steve still looked mortified. ‘I know, but…’
‘Please. You’re right. There would be a lot more for me up there, it’s just… I’m not sure I can cope with starting anything new right now. It’s only been a year.’
Steve gulped a couple more mouthfuls of shandy. ‘I understand that, I do. And I don’t want to pressure you at all.’ He emphasised the last two words. ‘It’s just such a great opportunity and I know that you’d be perfect for it. Look, let’s order some food and we can talk through the practicalities of the role, and you can tell me which parts you’re not sure about.’
Shelley still wasn’t hungry but didn’t want to make him think she wasn’t eating because she was upset with his ‘life’ comment. ‘A cheese sandwich would be great. Thanks.’
‘Coming right up. Do you want another drink?’
‘I’m fine.’
While he was at the bar, Shelley flicked through her phone. There was a message from her mum, checking in, and one from Flora:
Make sure you order something expensive!!!
Flora could always make her smile; Shelley really wouldn’t have got through this last year without her. Or without this job. Maybe moving over to the new company, and taking the management role, would be a good idea; Steve certainly thought she was up to it which made her feel good. Being here with him – now that she’d got over the initial panic – was also more pleasant than she’d anticipated. He was easy company, no wonder he had so much luck meeting women,
‘Hello, Shelley. Fancy seeing you here.’
Shelley jumped in surprise. Rachel, the wife of one of Greg’s colleagues, was standing over her. They also lived around here and used to go out with them and a few of the other couples from the company. She had a vague memory of them being at the funeral but hadn’t heard from them since. With Steve at the bar, this was definitely not great timing. Did she look as guilty as she felt? Play it cool. ‘Oh, hi, Rachel. Just popped in for some lunch. How are you?’
The Forgotten Wife Page 19