“They really did. And you were right about all the natural magic there. I soaked up so much I slosh when I walk.”
Laura patted my hand. “I do notice something different about you, more than the sadness that comes from losing Leo. You’re becoming quite a powerful young witch. I’m so proud of how much you’ve grown.”
I took her hand and squeezed it. Her support warmed me inside. When I tried to thank her, words wouldn’t come. I simply held onto her.
When Ian finished eating, I whispered to him, “Should I tell anybody about what happened up there?”
He shrugged. “Up to you completely. We know the gist of it from talking with Hector and Olympia, but if it would help you to talk through things, I’m here to listen.”
I needed to get somebody’s reaction, so I said, “How about you, Laura, Philippe, and Dana meet me in the bar in a half-hour?”
-o-o-o-
WHEN I ARRIVED, I downed a double shot of Gill’s favorite Extra Añejo tequila, then I blathered on, explaining everything I could remember about the trip, both good and bad.
Some folks asked me questions, but nobody offered opinions or advice. Finally, I asked, “Does anybody want to tell me what they’re thinking?”
“I wish I could’ve come with you,” Philippe said. “Not that I could’ve helped you much when you needed it, but moral support is worth something, yes?”
He was sitting next to me, and I reached my arm out and gave him a hug around the shoulders. “Damned straight.”
Nobody else spoke up. I had no idea why they stayed unusually quiet, but having his support meant the world to me. I could hardly remember back anymore to when I was a gladiator and had to face victory or defeat alone. It seemed so long ago that I wasn’t sure it’d ever happened.
-o-o-o-
Friday, March 19th
I GOT UP early for the morning run, it was time to fall back into my old training routine, but all the deaths over the last several days had drained me of energy. Winning battles usually made me euphoric. Not lately.
Although I’d exercised hard every day at Elysium, I still lagged behind the group. Laura and Philippe kept me company. Normally, Ian would’ve teased me mercilessly, but not a peep.
By the time we turned around, I wondered if I could make it on my own two feet. Then I remembered—Mom and Cara were counting on me to toughen up. Once I’d recovered them, I could stop this insane training regime and eat donuts all day. Until that happy time, no more slacking, you moody bitch.
I ran forward and took my normal position on Ian’s heels. And I stayed there all the way back.
Right after lunch, I met with Ian to spar. He hung back, as though worried about picking on the poor depressed female. I could’ve told him I’d reengaged in the sorcerer wars—no quarter asked or given—but why not show? I kicked for his nuts.
He barely twisted away in time, and the toe of my foot put a divot in his hip.
“Nasty, Moira.” But he laughed. For the rest of the session, I attacked using every trick in the book, including several Leo had taught me. Ian punched me a half-dozen times, and I caught him once with a roundhouse punch to his right temple. That made his eyes cross for a moment while I did a little victory dance.
When the buzzer went off to tell us the session was over, he said, “Good to have you back. I’ve missed you.”
I wasn’t going to get all mushy again, so I simply said, “Same goes. Tell me the fastest way to make myself tougher.”
“That’s what I’ve always loved about you,” he said. “You’re highly goal oriented. Olympia said you’d made good progress on reading people.”
She hadn’t told me that, not as bluntly, but she had praised my efforts. “Good, and I communed with the trees for hours a day. What’s my best training approach now?”
He paused for a moment then put the palm of his hand on my forehead. Normally, I didn’t let anybody read my mind if I could help it, but I needed his advice.
The occasional memory flashed through my head as he rummaged around. Mostly, he focused on the two kill shots.
Then my mentor said, “I think your attack spells are as good as they can get. If you push any more magic through your mind, you’re going to suffer a meltdown like I did. No, your best bet is to improve your concentration. You have to divide your mind into two parts. Lock away the anger most of the time. It’s inhibiting your focus.”
He’d told me weeks ago that he kept his dark emotions locked away. “Can you show me how?”
He shook his head. “You don’t need me. Chen is the real mind-master. He’s helped me improve, and he can do likewise for you.”
That was a letdown. It was one thing for me to trust Ian with my thoughts, but I hardly knew the monk. “That’s why you brought him halfway around the world?”
Ian grinned. “You betcha, and it’s paying off bigtime.”
I was skeptical, but then again, I’d been skeptical about Ian for a long time, too. “What do I do?”
“Before our afternoon meditation session, I’ll let him know you need a mental makeover.”
It sounded too much like when he’d let Maureen go nuts with my appearance, but that’d worked out. I blew out a deep breath. “Terrific. I can hardly wait.”
Chapter 19
RIGHT AFTER LUNCH, I got an encrypted email from Suong, Buy a new burn phone and call me. Then she gave me a phone number. Luckily, I didn’t have to buy anything. Gracie had a new contract-free phone still in its original packaging.
I quickly set it up and called Suong. After we spent a moment exchanging pleasantries, she said, “I’ve got a line on your parents. It turns out, your dad left Spokane with your mom because he was trying to skip out on a debt. The sorcerer he was running from caught up with him months ago, though, and now both your parents are slaves.”
My mother had been enslaved for almost my entire life, but that had to be a new and nasty experience for dear ol’ dad. I hope he enjoyed it as much as I had.
“How does that help,” I asked.
“Didn’t say it did, Hotshot. Just reporting the news. Apparently, your dad’s skill set isn’t so impressive. Your parents are farm laborers now, somewhere in the El Paso area. I should be able to narrow down more within a few days.”
For the first time since Leo’s death, my heart warmed with happiness. “Fantastic news. Just what I needed to pick me up. Dad can rot down there, but I want Mom back more than ever. You being a Texan, I’m wondering whether you know anybody in that area who could help us?”
She snorted. “Folks just don’t seem to understand how big the Lone Star State is. El Paso is almost as close to LA as it is to Houston. I’ve got plenty of family there, but it’s eleven hours to El Paso. Don’t worry, when I find them, we’ll figure something out.”
I didn’t want to wait to begin that process. “I’m going to call your uncles and strategize with them, if that’s okay with you.”
“No problem,” she said. “See if one of them is free to go. That’d be your best bet.”
After thanking her profusely, I hung up and ran to find Dana who’d just left the dining room. After I told her the sweet happy news, the both of us hugged and danced in a circle. At least we were making progress with somebody.
Then I called the Tran brothers and arranged for a meeting in the evening with Thao. All morning, Mom’s face had kept popping into my mind. Hang in there, Nora, help’s on the way.
-o-o-o-
HOURS LATER, I was still feeling the glow when I showed up for group meditation. Chen stood in the front of the room as before. The guy just couldn’t seem to let us do our own thing. Instead he recited something he called the Four Noble Truths:
The noble truth of suffering is birth is suffering, aging is suffering, illness is suffering, death is suffering; union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering; in brief, the five aggre
gates subject to clinging are suffering.
The noble truth of the origin of suffering is craving, which leads to re-becoming, accompanied by delight and lust, seeking delight here and there; that is, craving for sensual pleasures, craving for becoming, craving for disbecoming.
The noble truth of the cessation of suffering is the remainderless fading away and cessation of that same craving, the giving up and relinquishing of it, freedom from it, non-reliance on it.
Finally, the noble truth of the way to cease suffering is to follow the noble eightfold path; that is, right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration.
That was a mouthful, and it sounded like gobbledygook. Then, instead of explaining a damned thing, Chen sat in the lotus position in front of us and began to meditate.
That was too much to get my head around, so I focused on one word, craving. That I could understand. Since the day Ian had freed me, I’d been craving freedom for my mom and sisters. I could’ve thought only of myself and let them fend for themselves, but I hadn’t. Now Chen was telling me my craving was making me suffer, which I knew too well, and that I needed to give it up.
I was so confused that I couldn’t meditate at all. Although I tried to think my way around the contradiction, I hadn’t made any progress when the hour ended. So, I marched up to talk to Chen.
He smiled at me. “Ian tells me you’d like more intensive guidance on meditation.”
I’d forgotten all about that while trying to unscramble the Four Noble Truths. “Right, but I have an even bigger problem. I’m obsessed with something. I want my family back together more than anything. Can’t let that go. They need my help.”
He nodded. “We all have things we can’t let go, otherwise we would be in Nirvana already. The weaknesses that hold us back most are selfish cravings. Still, we can suffer from altruistic wants as well.”
So, what. “I guess that means no heaven for me, at least not until my family is back together.”
He nodded and grinned. “I, too, have things I can’t let go. But we may still advance towards enlightenment other ways.”
I was skeptical about all those supposed higher states like heaven and such. “For the time being, I’m focused entirely on becoming a better fighter. Can you help me with that?”
Poof! He vanished. Then his disembodied voice said, “Could that be useful?”
I laughed in surprise. “Duh.”
“Or this?” His voice came from behind me and above.
I spun, and he was sitting cross-legged with his head touching the ceiling.
“Sure, Ian can levitate things, too. He even lifted me out of the water once, but he says it takes a lot of power.”
Chen floated downward and stood before me. “Perhaps, but when you link with the infinite, you have more strength available than you could ever use.”
That was the real name of the game. Overwhelming power. “Sign me up.”
“Excellent, I hear you enjoy nature. The beach is the perfect setting for your first individual lesson. We will attempt to achieve the third jhana.”
In for a penny, and in for a pound. We walked together over to Del Monte Beach which was popular on a sunny afternoon. Along the way, I asked him what a “jhana” was, but he said, “Nothing in particular. You’ve already achieved the first level on you own. Forget that I ever mentioned the name. Simply experience.”
As a teacher, he left a lot to be desired. The guy rarely explained anything in detail. But his magic was obviously far better than mine, despite his mediocre aura. What's his trick?
Chen sat cross-legged on the sand above the high tide mark. I sat next to him. He took my hand, and immediately, our magical cores began to vibrate together.
“Simply concentrate on your breathing,” he said in his usual calm, relaxed way.
I did as he said. After a few seconds, I felt like I was sitting at the top of a roller coaster, waiting for a thrilling plunge into inner space. But nothing happened. Chen neither thought nor moved. I could just as easily have been alone in the middle of the beach. I’d experienced meditation that deep before, but on my best days.
Then, almost imperceptibly, my body relaxed, and peace swallowed up my mind. The closest sensation I could compare it to was the contented feeling after making love. Not the climax—but the glow an orgasm left behind. I seemed to float in the air but my eyes were open, and I remained planted on the sand.
Chen seemed in no hurry to achieve anything. It was like sitting next to a boulder, oblivious to time. We were sharing thoughts, but he had none.
I gave up thinking and settled into contentment. The physical sensations I’d felt before, like the warmth of the sun on my skin, eventually dissipated, leaving me mentally alert, relaxed, and blissful.
Who can ask for more? I no longer cared about achieving anything. This state was perfect. Remembering Chen’s instruction not to analyze, I floated in a cloud of serenity. I became more aware of my surroundings, attuned to the people around us and the waves lapping on the beach.
I was afraid to think or move from fear of breaking the spell. Then subtly, my state of blissfulness evolved, melting into calmness. My senses shut off. Although my eyes were open, I only saw a white mist. No sound or feeling.
I didn’t think about anything specific, but I somehow noticed other sentient beings nearby—people walking and birds flying overhead. Their life-forces wove with Chen’s and mine. Spirits floating in the infinite.
As folks wandered by, I could sense their curiosity and confusion in seeing me holding Chen’s hand. The birds craved food. No sentient beings lingered close for long, and although my eyes remained open, I saw nothing within my field of view.
Eventually, Chen consciously blinked. I wasn’t looking at him, but I registered in my mind his intention to blink. Soon, I heard the sound of the breaking waves again, and my vision came back into focus. The beach appeared again.
Chen let go of my hand. “That was the third jhana, when we recognized only the other sentient beings. In that state, we could’ve vanished with a mere wish or floated or changed into seagulls. Any form of existence becomes possible.”
“Amazing. Now all I need to do is figure out how I can concentrate well enough during a fight to reach the infinite.”
He laughed nervously. “Yes, that will be difficult. I’ll train you to meditate with extreme distractions, but it may take some time.”
My stomach roiled. Time was one thing I didn’t have under control. Things could move too quickly with Mom and dear old dad. Suong hadn’t mentioned anything about Breaux lately, but the lady was working the problem. I doubted anyone could stay hidden from her for long.
-o-o-o-
RIGHT BEFORE DINNER, I popped into Ian’s office. He was typing on his computer but made time for me. I explained what happened on the beach with Chen. “I’m getting mixed up with all this different magic. For the Holar fighting spells, I need to get pissed off, but for the rest of my magic I have to stay calm. Is that right?”
“Yep, pretty much. That’s why I’m such a big fan of compartmentalizing feelings. It’s not the best approach to maintaining relationships, Laura can tell you some horror stories, but it’s the only way I keep from going crazy.”
I stood and paced in his office. “How exactly do you do it? Everything in my head keeps spinning.”
He leaned back in his chair put his hands over his eyes as though trying to block out all distractions. “Gill taught me. No surprise there. He’s the main person who turned me from a mediocre witch into whatever I am today.”
He kept his eyes covered, and I waited as patiently as I could for the revealed wisdom of a demigod.
Then he leaned forward and stared at me. “The way he explained it was you need to think of your mind as having parts divided by a fireproof wall. I like better the idea that I have a fireproof bank vault in my mind. I spend most of my
time in the part of my head that stays cool and calm. That’s the rational portion of our minds that we use to work with people and solve problems.”
I got that. “Sure, the real me.”
He shook his head. “I used to think that, too, but it’s completely wrong. Humans like to pretend they’re rational beings, but Gill convinced me we’re lizards who can walk on two feet. Our primordial brain really runs the show, but most of the time, it stays hidden. That’s the real you, the you who pretends you’re an advanced form of life. It’s all a charade. Basically, our lizard brains make decisions based on instinct and emotion, and the rational part of our minds justifies those decisions with attempts at logic. The vault, where I get pissed and scared and horny, hides the real me. That’s also where I keep my fighting power.”
I tried to understand. “Humans are really talking lizards, walking upright?”
“You betcha. And to be a powerful magical fighter, you need to be able to move from that part of your mind to the cool, rational part smoothly. That way, both parts can become stronger without weakening the other.”
“How do I do that?”
“The way I do it is to imagine opening and closing the vault door whenever I want. You’re looking at me wild-eyed, but I’m serious. The lizard lives in there, and I feed him by opening the door and pushing my emotions in. Then I closed the door before he can sneak out.”
I tried to keep from laughing. “The crazy has finally caught up with you.”
He grinned. “Whatever works. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s a lot easier to control your anger when you know you have a place to put it and can find it again. Try it. I’ll bet you’ll become a much better meditator.”
At dinner, Frank sat across the table with Ginger, the blonde bitch Lee had dumped for Dana. According to my sister, those two had developed the thing while I was at Elysium. That was fine with me. They deserved one another.
My head was still reeling from Ian’s explanation about compartmentalizing my feelings. Just to make sure I was getting the straight story, I told Laura what her husband had said. Then I asked, “Has he finally gone off the deep end?”
Relentless Page 18