by Jessica Ames
Chapter Four
I rush down the corridor and slam through the foyer doors, out into the open. I practically take the doors off their hinges as I slam through them and collapse against the railing that surrounds the old loading bay, my chest heaving as I gulp in huge lungfuls of oxygen. The colder air hits me and I shiver against the chill. If I’m found out here, I’ll get told off, but I need to be outside, even if it is only for a second.
Bullet dodged, for now.
What the heck is he doing here?
And how long is he staying?
I sag against the railings, my knees suddenly feeling weak.
Shit.
It doesn’t look like he’s thinking about letting my discretion slip on by. I can’t decide if he looked annoyed or if his expression was hungry. A little of both, I think.
Why is he invading my sanctuary? And why in the hell am I glad to see him?
I let my eyes close, squeezing them tightly as if it can keep the world around me out, but it doesn’t.
Either way, him being here is a problem and one I’m not sure how to get around.
This is why you should never sleep with someone close to you. It always ends up being awkward when you sneak out the morning after.
I hear the door swing open behind me and I flinch.
Shit. I know who it is immediately.
“Mackenzie…”
His voice is pure gravel, deep and alluring. It goes right to my pussy and I want to have him now, even though I know I can’t. I know nothing can ever happen between us again.
I slowly turn to him, needing to face him. My body tingles with anticipation as I meet his heavy gaze.
“You shouldn’t be out here,” I sign to him.
He watches my hands and then his eyes come to my face. “I’m guessing you just told me to fuck off.”
I can’t help it. I laugh a little at the bluntness of his words. Maybe I should have told him that, but I can’t. The pull between us is too hard to ignore when he’s standing in front of me. The longer he’s in my space, the harder it’s becoming to pretend I’m not interested in him.
I shake my head and watch as he drops his hands to his hips.
“I think you forgot something the last time I saw you,” he huffs.
“What?” I sign the word somehow, even though my hands are shaking. Not with fear, but something else.
“You never said goodbye.”
Okay, so he is still pissed about that. Good to know.
His brow pulls into a series of lines. “Do you think I think so little of you that I’d expect you to skulk from my bed like some dirty little secret?”
Honestly, I had no idea what he thought of me, so I had no idea what his expectations were after we… you know.
“Kenz, talk to me.”
I want to make a joke about how impossible that is, but I pull out my phone and type a message on the text-to-speak app. This is a conversation we need to have with no room for things getting lost in translation.
“I didn’t know what to expect.” When my words start speaking mechanically from my phone, my heart starts racing.
His face darkens. Then he steps back. “Seriously? Are you for real? I don’t make a habit of sleeping with princesses from other clubs, darlin’. I thought what we had was—” He breaks off and rubs a hand over his shaved head before his hands interlace at the back of his neck. “Fuck,” he grumbles. “Why’d you run out on me, Kenz?”
I type my answer into the phone.
“You know why.”
“Because you’re a Saxon and I’m a Devil?”
I nod. “Us being together could cause problems for my family. I won’t do that.”
He scowls. “Part of me doesn’t give a fuck about that. We had this amazing connection, babe, you can’t deny it, but part of me knows you’re right.” He stares at me for a beat. “So, what do we do here?”
I mouth the word ‘friends’ at him, a word that seems completely inadequate for what we are.
He must agree, because he laughs.
“Sweetheart, I’ve never fucked a friend the way I fucked you.”
Heat pools between my legs at his filthy words. I can’t stop myself from reaching out, from grabbing his hand. He’s so much bigger than I am and his hand swallows mine.
When he raises his eyes from our joined hands to my face, I see burning desire there, a lust that should scare me, but doesn’t. I want him. I want to take his mouth now, to get lost in him, but I’m scared if I go there, I won’t be able to walk away from him. And that cannot be. I can’t fall for a Devil’s Dog. I can’t fall for a biker, period. This isn’t the life I want, nor is it the life I need. I want safety. I want a world where I’m not looking over my shoulder, fearing the worst. I want a life separate from the horrors and traumas my friends have been through. I want a life I don’t have to hide, and with Dane we’d forever be in the shadows.
I close my eyes, needing a minute to recalibrate and his mouth is suddenly on mine. I should pull away. We’re standing not far from the doorway, where anyone can see us, but I can’t. I won’t reject him again, even if I should. Being together condemns us both. We’ll forever be straddling the line between loyalty to family and loyalty to each other.
I let him take my mouth and devour me like the last meal of a man on death row. His fingers slip through my hair to grasp the back of my neck and I can’t help but pant. He feels amazing and I want him to touch that ache at the apex of my thighs, but his hands roam in safer areas.
When he licks along the seam of my mouth, I grant him access immediately. My body is reacting, remembering what we did the night of Logan’s wedding, how he made me make noises I didn’t know I could make—noises I’ve never made before. I had no idea there were so many ways to pant. It was music to my ears to hear myself, even if it was just my breaths coming out in rapid succession and not my voice, which I’ll never hear, which he’ll never hear.
“You’re like a drug to me,” he sounds breathless as he pushes the words out. His hand is still collaring the back of my neck, his forehead pressed to mine in a way that feels incredibly intimate. “The more I taste, the more I want.”
I want him too, and I wish I could tell him that. I show him the only way I can—by pressing my mouth to his and taking him a lot more gently than he took me. I want to take all his clothes off and re-explore every inch of his body, but I can’t. Not here. Not now. Not ever. This kiss is a final goodbye. It has to be.
When he pulls back, it seems as if he senses this himself.
“I don’t want to let you go.”
I give him a look I hope translates into how much I hate this, while saying he has to. This can’t happen again. Once was a mistake, twice is pushing our luck.
Purposely, I step back from him and lean against the railing.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
I nod. I am too.
He mutters a curse under his breath and tears off back inside. I duck my head, trying not to cry. In another life, another place, we could be together, but in this one, there’s no way our relationship would weather the storm, and the Lost Saxons have a large one brewing.
“It’s a bad idea.”
Slade’s voice startles me. I spin around and see him step out from behind the corner of the loading bay. My heart pounds. We were seen.
Crap.
I raise my hands and quickly sign, “It’s over.”
“It needs to be. He’s good people, but Dane isn’t one of us, Kenzie. When loyalties are tested, you’ll be the one who gets hurt.”
Considering I had the same thought myself, I can’t be angry at him for pointing this out.
“I know.”
“End it, and end it now, before anyone else finds out what shit you’re pulling. Got it?”
I nod slowly, knowing I have no choice anyway.
“Good.” He moves over to me and kisses my cheek. When he pulls back he smiles down at me. “I’m only looking out for you, kid. You know that, right?”
I nod again, not entirely sure whose interest he’s looking out for, me or the Club.
He is right about one thing, though. Dane and I can’t be.
Chapter Five
On the fourth day of lockdown, I head to the Club’s gym early in the morning, intending to blow off some steam.
I have no idea what happened to Dax and Dane, but their bikes are still parked out the front, so I assume they’re still here. The thought of Dane in the clubhouse somewhere makes my skin tingle and my stomach flip-flop in a way it really shouldn’t.
This is also part of the reason I find myself craving a good workout session. I need to get him out of my head. It’s not good to keep dwelling on him and things that can’t be.
The building sits out the back, but it’s enclosed in a courtyard that can only be accessed from the main clubhouse. I haven’t used the Club’s gym since last year, when Dean was teaching Liv and the rest of the women self-defence, but I go to a place near to my flat at least three times a week—when I’m not being held hostage in the clubhouse that is.
It’s weird to think that it was over twelve months ago when I was last in this building. How much things have changed in that time. We gained Liv, Paige, Piper, Cami and now Chloe in our little circle. I can’t imagine not having these girls around, but there was a time they weren’t here. It’s weird to think of how things were before.
I cross the courtyard and put the code into the door lock before tugging it open. I expect to find someone here. There’s no part of the entire building that isn’t overrun, so I’m surprised to find the room empty and the lights off. Relief floods me at the thought of some peace and quiet.
I fumble for the switch and light floods the space. There’s some equipment scattered around the room and mats cover the floor. In the corner is a small boxing ring that the boys like to spar in.
I’m already in my workout gear, so I dump my bag with clean clothes in the changing room then head straight for the treadmill.
I ramp up the speed and set the inclination high, so I can really push myself. I need to get rid of this energy. I need to unleash myself.
I shove my headphones into my ears and start to run. After a while my top clings to my back, sweat beading on the back of my neck beneath my ponytail. I’m in my zone, my mind empty, focused only on putting one foot in front of the other, running some imaginary trail.
So, I don’t realise I’m not alone until I catch movement in my peripheral vision. My heart dances in my chest as cold plunges my stomach into icy frigidity. I nearly lose my footing on the treadmill, but manage to stay upright long enough to hit the stop button.
As the machine slows down, I maintain pace with it until it stops completely.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” a deep voice speaks and I spin, seeing Dane standing behind me, a towel wrapped around his neck.
He’s not wearing leather and denim, but running shorts and a tee. He looks hot as hell and I’m sure I drool a little as I take in the tattoos covering his calves and the sleeves on both arms. The man is nearly forty, but he doesn’t look it.
I shake my head, indicating he didn’t and try to ignore the tingling of my skin as he pins me with his intense stare.
I unplug my headphones from my phone and quickly type a message in the text-to-speak programme. I taught him some sign language at the wedding, but it was mostly curse words and rude things that led to us sleeping together. I doubt he can have a full conversation with me.
“What are you doing here?” my phone rattles off in its staggered voice that doesn’t sound entirely real.
“I always do a workout in the morning. What about you?”
I type my message then hit the play button. “Getting rid of some energy.”
He nods, moving closer and my stomach fills with butterflies.
“I can think of a better way to get rid of that energy, baby.”
As he strides towards me, his broad shoulders filling the space too fully, my feet feel rooted to the floor. I can’t move. I should. I should flee while I can, but my heart is cantering in my chest and my legs have gone on vacation.
I’m not sure if I’m shaking my head at him or not, but when he steps into my space, I’m hit with the scent of his aftershave and the smell of something more earthy and outdoorsy that I can’t put my finger on, and all thoughts flee. He smells divine.
When he leans into me, I forget to breathe.
“It’s been so good seeing you again, Mackenzie”
I feel the heat rising in my face at his words and a rush of pleasure settles in my belly.
I quickly type a “You too.” I really mean that.
The intensity in his gaze should scare me, but it doesn’t.
“Staying away from you is an impossible task, darlin’. I’ve only got so much willpower.”
His mouth is inches from mine, our breaths mingling as we pant. It wouldn’t take much for him to capture it.
With monumental effort I step away and put some distance between us, and the fog in his eyes seems to lift.
“Slade saw us last night. Kissing.” I type the words into my phone.
His eyes crawl over my face, as if committing every inch of me to memory. “I don’t care.”
“I care.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
He laughs before the text-to-speak app has even finished. “I’m not worried about your club, darlin’.”
“You should be,” I type and let it play. “Slade warned me to end it.”
His mouth curves down, and I can see a glimpse of the man Dane is in that instant. He’s a man who isn’t used to being told what to do, and he doesn’t like being told something is off-limits.
“Slade can go fuck himself. I don’t answer to him. Nor do you.”
While I agree, I also realise we’re playing with fire here. One of us might end up burnt. I don’t want to let my family down either.
I duck my head, my emotions growing, and he reaches out, capturing a stray piece of hair that has come free from my ponytail. Carefully, he tucks it behind my ear, his eyes moving over my face as he does. What he’s seeking there, I don’t know, but I feel the weight of that gaze intently.
“I don’t give a fuck about Slade or Derek or Dax. I care about you and I care about me.” He considers me for a moment. “I’m worried you’re not safe here.”
I frown at him and mouth, “I am.”
“Last night, your brothers told me you were shot at,” he says quietly.
I pause, unsure whether the truth will help me here. I can feel the intensity rolling off him as he waits for an answer. Knowing there’s no point lying, I nod.
I watch his face contort.
“Were you hurt? Your brothers said you weren’t, but I’d rather hear it from you.”
Jem left me a little dinged around the edges when he pushed me down, but I keep this to myself.
“I’m okay.”
His scowl grows as he listens to my message. “Why didn’t you mention the fact some fucker tried to kill you when I saw you yesterday?”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes.
“Firstly, they weren’t trying to kill me, Dane. They were shooting indiscriminately. I just happened to be in the line of fire. And secondly, I wasn’t aware I needed to tell you this stuff. Did you want me to waltz up to you in front of my brother and Derek and just blurt out I’m okay? Or maybe I could have done it when you were kissing me—something you need to stop doing by the way.”
I can tell he doesn’t like this by the way he roughly scrubs a hand over his face.
“You want me to stop kissing you?”
I don’t. Not even for a second, but I should say yes, so I nod.
I expect him to step away, to leave it at that, but he doesn’t.
“I’ll stop kissing you if you want me to, but I’m not sure you do. I think you’re scared of your brothers, of Slade. Of what they’ll say.”
I
blink at him, then type out, “I’m not scared.”
“Then tell me the truth. If you tell me right now you want me to back off, I’ll back off.”
My thumbs hover over the keypad on my phone as indecision weighs heavily on me. I’m not scared, I mean that, but things are not exactly straightforward.
When I don’t give him a reply, he speaks again, his words demanding. “Mackenzie, tell me you don’t want me.”
I should type that I don’t want him, but I can’t. I tip my head back to look at the ceiling and let out a breath.
“I thought so,” he says, sounding a little smug.
“Just because I want you, doesn’t mean I can have you.” The phone rattles off.
“Why not?”
“You know why not.”
He does. We both do. “Do you think I went there with another club’s princess for shits and giggles, sweetheart? Do you think I’d risk the wrath of your club, ruining decades of friendship, for a quick tumble in the hay?”
His words settle over me and my heart starts to beat fast in my chest. What is he saying here?
“You want more?” I type.
“What do you think?”
I close my eyes. I want more too, but it can’t happen.
“If things were easier, simpler, would you want this?” he demands.
I don’t pause to answer, giving him a nod.
His forehead dips to mine. “Then fuck the rules, Kenz. Fuck what everyone else thinks.”
It’s not that simple, but for a moment, I get caught up in the fantasy. Reality doesn’t take long to crash down on me.
“People will get hurt,” I type.
“Yeah,” he agrees.
“That can’t happen.”
“So, what? We just deny what we feel?”
I don’t know how to answer this, so I type nothing.
He scans my face and I drink in that look like a love-starved teenager. I want him. I’ve always, on some level, wanted him. Even though he’s older than me by a decade and he’s from another club, there’s always been something there. I’ve known Dane a long time, and every time he’s visited the clubhouse, I’ve always felt that tingle of excitement at seeing him, even when I was too naïve to know what it meant.