by Elle Luckett
Did Asher want me back?
I couldn’t process how I felt about that. Did I want to be with him? Was I ready to trust him again?
I’d forced myself to move on. Even sitting here facing him, knowing in my heart that those feelings still had roots, I couldn’t be sure a relationship in any capacity would ever work for us.
Too much time had passed.
Too much pain had settled.
I’d bled for him so intensely, my heart hadn’t been capable of holding the hurt. Letting him back in could destroy me, and I refused to let Ashleigh see me like that. To feel that again. She’d been inside of me when I’d been grieving the relationship I’d had with Asher.
“Even knowing about our daughter, I need you to understand I’m not willing to let you go without a fight this time. You never gave me a chance to explain. To talk to you.”
“You never tried.”
“I was a prideful fool.”
The pain in his voice wound around me. The vulnerability wrapped so tightly around him while we’d spoken about Ashleigh was now gone, and in its place was the unbreakable man I’d fallen in love with. Power and control rolled from him and wrapped me in a comforting blanket I’d longed for so often over the years. It was familiar and alluring, reminding me painfully of the aftermath of our relationship when I wanted it the most.
“I can’t do this, Asher.”
“Why?”
I rose to my feet, my hands idly running down the backs of my legs as I tried not to bolt. I was only ever an emotional runner when it came to Asher. Something about him had power over me that made me second guess myself, and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I was a mother. I had to think about my daughter before I could think of myself. Ashleigh was the center of my universe. My gravitational pull. Nothing would ever step in the path of that... not even her father.
“Shauna Monroe, goddamn you, talk to me.” He growled out my name and reached out, only to drop his hand when I unleashed my emotions. “What can’t you do?”
“I can’t do this.” I motioned between us with my hands. “Because I can’t be that broken ever again. Getting over you almost killed me. Forcing myself to forget what we had ruined me. Missing you hurt more than I can ever fully describe.”
“Almost seven years later, and here I am. I never got over you, Shauna. From the way you’re looking at me now, you never got all the way over me, either.”
I hated how well he understood me, even after all this time. I could feel that pull between us as clear as I had before I’d left. The flames and the chemistry burned hot. Chemistry had never been our problem — we’d had it in abundance when we’d been together. I’d lived and breathed him in like he was vital to my survival, but he’d chosen another woman over me. Even unwillingly, his pride had guided him to his family’s wishes. There had been no fight, no war. I would never have made him choose between his family and me, but the battle would have been apparent, and I would have been given closure. He would have been given closure.
As right as he was about my feelings still being alive and well, there was no trust left between us. He’d have to earn even a small amount before he met his daughter.
“Maybe you’re right, but I can’t trust you with that part of me again.”
“I will earn your trust back.”
“Perhaps enough to meet your daughter and enough to be a father to her, but I can’t allow myself to be that vulnerable again.” I took a breath before continuing. “I have to go. My mom will be bringing Ashleigh home from the park soon.”
“Do you have a picture of her you can send me?”
Softening a little, I nodded and pulled my phone from my pocket. I sent Asher the most recent pictures I had, and one of her baby pictures, too, then slid my phone back into my pocket while he studied his screen.
“She has your mouth,” he mumbled in awe.
“Her eyes are duplicates of yours.”
“Thank you.” The raw emotion in his voice had me swallowing back tears.
I nodded in response, my throat too thick to give him more acknowledgment than that.
“I should go.”
Asher was still enamored with the images on his screen as I started walking away, but I didn’t make it far enough to miss his parting words.
“I’m not letting you go without a fight this time, kitten.”
Had it not been the busiest weekend of communion, I would have called in sick. It was rare that I did, but after the day I’d had, I felt it was justified.
After leaving Asher in the park, I went home and tried to get on with my day, and for the most part, I managed. After the minute-by-minute replay of her day, Ashleigh had fallen asleep in my lap watching an episode of Dora. I loved watching her sleep, she looked closer to a baby than a child in those moments, and I wanted to cherish them. When I finally slid out from under her, I told my mom what had happened in the park with Asher. Going over the whole thing again had been exhausting, so I’d excused myself and taken another shower, then fallen on my bed with wet hair and a towel wrapped around me.
I slept late enough to only have time to eat dinner with my family, bathe my daughter, and put her to bed before leaving for work.
As promised, the club was full. I arrived an hour before they opened, but the bar was open to the residents who were staying in the club, and it was already buzzing when I walked in to relieve Zara.
“Thank God you’re here,” she breathed, emptying a crate of orange juices into one of the fridges. “It’s been insane.”
The bar was surrounded, but people were propping it up more than needing to order, so I knelt to help her, grabbing a pallet of waters to unload into a couple of the ice buckets.
“This is more than the residents,” I whispered hastily.
“A couple of members were milling about in the foyer. Christopher sent them back before they spilled onto the streets and attracted curious passersby.”
“It is New Orleans,” I agreed. “You should have called me. I’d have come in to help.”
“I thought I had it. Kammie was here for a while, but she had to run out to call suppliers and the laundering service or something. She should be back any minute.”
Zara generally worked at the front desk of Stigmata in the residential area. She hadn’t been with the club for long but was golden when we desperately needed someone to help out. She was new to the lifestyle but eager to learn and never so much as blinked when a male submissive strolled by with a cage on his cock or when a red assed submissive hobbled over to grab her master a drink.
“Oh, and there’s a Dom that stopped by looking for you. Real handsome and brooding. He told me his name, but I had about five people giving me orders at the same time, and it got lost in translation.”
“I know who it was. Thanks, Zara.”
Nodding, Zara went back to work beside me. We had the bar fully restocked before another order came in. This early in the evening, it was generally an order for water, soft drinks, or a solitary beer. If they wanted to play, one alcoholic beverage was the limit. If they went beyond that, they had to wear a band on their wrist, and the monitors were informed. In Club Stigmata, it was always safety first.
When the club opened for the night, the bar level filled quickly. There wasn’t much room for play when they were all packed in like sardines, and the buzz of conversation drowned out the bass of the music coming from the club level below. Kammie came back ten minutes into the bedlam, and it took the three of us to get all the orders filled. We danced around one another. Thomas had to bring us a second tablet and charger to enter the inventory we were using.
I spotted Asher at the end of the bar but sent him an apologetic index finger asking him to give me a while, and he nodded in agreement. He sat taking up residence at the end of the bar next to several of the single subs who made sure to flash their wrist bands at him. It had always been the same in Gatlinburg. Asher wasn’t a man any woman could ignore.
The three of us behind t
he bar had a good sweat going on when the announcement finally came that the vendor demonstrations were available, and a steady stream of members headed to the larger and open floor of the club.
“How many clubs does Stigmata have?” Zara asked as her ass hit the top of a cooler.
“Over a hundred, I think. Why?”
“Because I hope it’s that long before it circles back here. This is insane.”
“They come home every fifteen years,” Asher said from the end of the bar, nursing a beer. I’d forgotten he was there, but neither Zara nor Kammie had seen him and both startled, their bodies leaping toward me with a squeal.
“Jesus.” Kammie pressed her hand to her chest and narrowed her eyes at him before catching herself and dropping her gaze. Zara just looked pale.
“Ladies, this is Asher Morris. He’s a Dom from the Gatlinburg club,” Thomas said, taking a seat next to Asher and grinning at the three of us, wide-eyed like startled rabbits. He glanced around the shadowy corner of the bar with a fond smile. “Shauna, he’s asked that you escort him this evening. No play, so no paperwork… if you’re willing, of course.”
Zara and Kammie glanced at me from the corner of their eyes in a speculative assessment. I didn’t play often—the bar had become my baby over the years.
“Zara, your master has kindly offered your services to us.”
“Yes, Sir. Happy to help.”
Kammie’s curiosity turned into a grin as the silence awaiting my agreement drew out. She nodded and tipped her head to the end of the bar, forcing my gaze to the two men watching me. Asher’s gaze held no heat, but there was a polite request in the tip of his head.
I didn’t think this was a good idea. Not in this environment, and not with the open nerves that our conversation that afternoon had exposed. Yet, I couldn’t say no.
“I’d be honored, Sir.”
Thomas gave me a warm smile of approval as I headed to the end of the bar and kicked off my shoes. My heart pattered awkwardly as I exited the bar and stopped in front of the two men. Thomas picked up my wrist gently and wound a band around it, the lavender signifying that I was off the market for the evening.
“You two have fun,” Thomas offered cheerily. I wasn’t sure if he was aware of the history between Asher and me. He was protective of all his members, but the smile on his lips told me he was confident I was safe in the hands of this Dom, and he wasn’t wrong. Asher wouldn’t hurt me.
“Thank you, Sir.”
I fell into old habits as we left the bar and headed toward the club level. Slowing my pace, I slipped into position one step behind him on his right, my head down, depending on his body language to guide me. He didn’t say a word as we wandered through the vendors demonstrating toys and equipment. We eventually stopped in the corner where Denton had set up with his glossy polished furniture. He and Emerson were talking to visiting members animatedly, leaving Asher and me alone.
“You looked uncomfortable when Thomas asked you to join me,” Asher finally said, running his hand along a beautiful curve in the wood of a designed A-frame.
“It’s a busy night. I’ve worked the bar here for years. It just feels strange.”
“That explains the looks your friends gave you.”
“I generally play during the week while it’s quiet.”
I saw his hands ball at his side. My comment was designed as a cheap shot and hit its mark, but I wouldn’t allow him to make assumptions about me anymore. I hadn’t been celibate since I’d become a mother. I had been for almost two years after Ashleigh was born, but I was a woman who enjoyed sex and being submissive, so I’d played when the mood struck. I’d also occasionally dated outside the club when I’d felt the need. There was no call for me to hide that from him when he’d been fucking another woman a week after I’d left.
“I’ve been thinking since our meeting in the park,” he finally said, sitting on one of the benches designed for sex. He reached for me, hands on my hips as he guided me to his lap as though trying it out for size. Now face to face, his eyes met mine, the soft blue forcing my gaze to his lips. “I meant what I said when you left.”
I swallowed, my palms landing flat on his thighs between us. I ignored the brush of his stiffening cock against my thumb and tried to find somewhere to look that wouldn’t encourage him.
“Look at me, Shauna. No games tonight.”
“Sir, I—”
“No. Games,” he interrupted as he hooked his index finger and thumb around my chin and angled my face.
“We’re in Stigmata.”
“And tonight, I’m requesting eye contact.”
“Asher…” I could hear the pain and longing in my voice.
“Shauna.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“I could beat around the bush with you or tell you the truth. Which would you prefer, kitten?”
His old nickname for me had my eyes falling closed. Longing surged through my body as my mind tried to shut it all down. I wanted to tell him to lie to me—to feed me a false truth that would make all of this easier for myself—but I was a masochist at heart, even when it came to emotional torture.
“Truth.”
Pushing his hand along my jaw, his fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of my neck, his short nails biting against the skin there as my eyes flickered open and studied those faded denim eyes.
“I never stopped loving you. I don’t think I ever will. I want you in my life, Shauna.”
“It can’t work.”
“Explain to me why not.”
“Asher,” I repeated his name, begging him to not make me lie to him because lies were all I had left. The truth would only lead to the unknown.
“Explain it to me.” This was a demand that I felt at the core of myself.
“You live in Tennessee, and I’m not willing to take my daughter away from my family. It’s selfish of me, but I want her to have my family, not the pit of vipers you grew up in surrounding her. I know they’re your family, and I don’t…” I trailed off to stop the lie falling from my lips. I was going to say I wouldn’t mind them getting to know her, but I would. “That was almost a lie. I can’t have her around them. At least not without me there.”
“I could always move here.”
“Just like that?”
“Why not?”
“Your family’s business is in Tennessee.” I studied his face now, unaware that I’d lifted one of my hands and pressed it against the coarse hair on his cheek. When my thumb brushed under his eye, and he smiled, I dropped it to my chest. He was making this so damn difficult.
A flash of disappointment ran over his features before he composed himself again. “That would be a problem for me, not you. Explain why this can’t work for you.”
I only had more lies to give him.
“You can’t think of one.” He studied me, and I wondered whether he could see the pain that now ebbed through my body. Easing a hand back, he gripped a loose curl that had fallen free from my hair, and he twisted it between his fingers, dropping his gaze to my lips as he waited.
“No,” I disagreed. “I can think of one, but it will sound more like a reason to stay for you.”
“You still love me, too?”
I nodded, then used my hand against his cheek to stop him from kissing me. That disappointment flashed back over his features, making another run before he met my gaze again.
“My loving you is destructive. My loving you makes me vulnerable. If you change your mind—”
“I won’t.”
“If you change your mind, it will destroy me. If it were just me that I was risking—if I had nothing to lose—I would be begging you to take me to a room right now, but I can’t just think about myself. I need to think about our daughter.”
“I haven’t changed my mind since the last time I had you in my arms. You left me, kitten. If I have to prove I’m not going anywhere, I’ll do it. I’m going to earn the right to be a father to our daughter, and I’m going
to earn the right to demand you be mine again. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“I won’t change my mind on you and me,” I said the words with power behind them, but the weakness in my heart that was already reaching out for him called me a liar.
“And with our daughter?”
I sighed. I’d put a lot of thought into the situation after we met that afternoon. Momma and I had agreed that we needed to talk to Preston’s brother-in-law, Dillon, the lawyer, and we needed to do it soon to make sure the Morris family wouldn’t have a claim on our girl. But I wouldn’t make Asher wait that long to meet his daughter. For both their sakes.
“We have brunch every Sunday. Preston and his wife Lucy both have the day off, so it’s the one day our family gets together. They also have some of their church friends join us occasionally so you won’t stand out. I spoke to my parents, and they seemed to think it was a good idea. We can start slowly, easing you into her life. Eventually, we’ll tell her who you are, but I need to know you mean what you say about being a father to her, Asher. I won’t let you break her heart.”
As he opened his mouth to speak, someone bumped into me accidentally and apologized, and the Bostonian accent standing out in New Orleans had my gaze moving to behind me. The distraction broke the contact between Asher and me enough to have his eyes narrowing, unable to hide the annoyance even as I looked back at him. Still, he relaxed, glancing back at me and sighing now the bubble we’d made for ourselves had popped.
“I want you both, and I will earn you both as my family.”
I gave him a sad smile before easing from his lap as they announced the group scene. I hoped I was strong enough to stick to my logic, but I knew better. Eventually, the memory of seeing him fucking another woman in our sanctuary would fade, and with it, my resistance. It was only a matter of time, and I resented the part of my brain that grew excited at the prospect.
I spent all night as Asher’s companion. It was a rough night considering where we were with the scenes and demonstrations going on around us. The sexual tension had risen between us several times during Christopher’s fire whip demonstration, to the point our hands clasped together, and Asher squeezed my fingers. I wasn’t sure if he’d realized he’d been doing it, but I’d felt that same arousal running hot through my veins, so I ignored it, keeping my eyes on the whip’s mesmerizing dance in Christopher’s grasp.