I try again, and again the aggressive gull wins the toss. Nikki laughs. I give up and eat the last bit of food myself.
“I just want to see her for a little while.”
“Of course. We’ll work it out.”
By the end of March I’m jogging two miles a day and working out with weights at the Y. I call Wayne at the guide dog training center.
“Sounds like you’re ready,” he says. “Come anytime next week. Just say when and I’ll pick you up at the bus depot.”
I call Nikki to tell her when I’m leaving for the training center in northern California, and to remind her that I still want to see the baby before I go. The next morning, Penny calls. After we get through the awkward how’ve you been chit-chat, including long pauses, she gets to the point.
“I just needed some time,” she says. “I thought you might, too.”
There’s another long pause.
“I do care about you, Autumn. And I want you to be a part of Nancy’s life. I’m sorry if you felt shut out . . . Do you have plans for next Sunday?”
“No.”
“Maybe you’d like to come over and have dinner with us? You could invite your friend Danni, too, if you want to.”
“And see Nancy?”
“Yes, and see Nancy.”
I spend the rest of the week taking care of details. One day, Ella lets me borrow her car and I drive over to the county home to see Miss F. and Ms. Lee.
“You look wonderful!” Ms. Lee says. “Not at all like the anemic, discouraged girl I first met.”
They are full of questions about what’s next for me and want to hear all about my job with the guide dogs and my college plans. Before I leave, Miss F. reaches into a pile of papers and pulls out the card I sent to Madison at Christmas time.
“She’s back with her mother for a while,” Miss F. says.
“Do you know her new address?”
“No . . . They moved just a few weeks after we released Madison back to her mother’s custody and we’ve not been able to locate them.”
As I reach for the card, Ms. Lee suggests I leave it here.
“She’ll be back,” she says.
I write my new return address on the Christmas envelope and hand it back to Miss F.
Walking out the door of the county home, I think about all of the girls I met while I was there. As unlucky as I’ve been, first my mom dying, then losing the rest of my family, at least for most of my life I had a family that loved me, and took good care of me, and helped me learn how to live in the world. I wish Madison and Dericia and all the other kids inside could have had that. I know Baby Nancy will.
On Sunday, Ella and Sandy are already out for their walk along the beach when Nikki comes to get me.
“I don’t think they’d mind if we had a quick game of air hockey before we leave, do you?” Nikki asks. “I hate to have you leave town before I can regain my championship.”
I win the first game.
“Two out of three?” Nikki asks.
“Sure.”
She wins the second game, and I win the third.
“I hope I’m not losing my touch,” she says with a smile.
I admit to her that I’ve had plenty of practice since I’ve been staying here.
“I’m being groomed for the Thanksgiving tournament,” I say.
She looks puzzled, then breaks into a huge smile.
“Well, then, I’d better start practicing.”
Penny meets us at the door, holding Baby Nancy.
“Can I hold her?” I ask.
“Why don’t you have a seat first?”
I sit in the big recliner, the only chair that offered comfort during my last month of pregnancy.
“Just be careful with her little head,” Penny says, placing the baby in my arms.
“Hello,” I whisper to her. “A happy hello to you.”
Her eyes fix on mine and I wonder if she somehow remembers me from our one night together. Or maybe she senses that my body is the one that housed and nourished her for nine months.
I hold her close, remembering the scrawny little red-faced infant I first held in my arms.
“She’s grown,” I say.
“She’s already gained over a pound since she came home from the hospital,” Nikki says.
The three of us sit watching Baby Nancy until she starts fussing. Penny goes into the kitchen to fix a bottle.
“Our lives have changed drastically,” Nikki says, smiling down at the baby. “Only a little over eight pounds, and Nancy’s already the one in charge.”
“Like her namesake,” I say.
“Yep. Pretty soon she’ll be wanting a roadster.”
“If only we had Hannah for a housekeeper,” Penny says, coming in with a bottle.
“Here we go, Sweetheart,” she says, easing the baby from my arms.
“Maybe Autumn would like to feed her,” Nikki says.
“Oh, that’s okay,” Penny says, sitting down with the baby and holding the bottle to her mouth.
The baby sucks steadily at the bottle, looking up into Penny’s eyes. After she’s been fed and burped. Penny carries her back to the pink room.
“Let’s change you and see if you’re ready for a little nap,” she says.
I follow her back to the pink room and watch as Penny takes off the wet diaper, cleans her little parts with a baby wipe, puts on a fresh diaper and lays her gently in the crib. She winds up the teddy bear that plays “You Are My Sunshine,” and pauses in the doorway, waiting for me to follow.
“I’d like to stay in here with her for just a few minutes,” I whisper.
Penny looks hesitant, then nods her head and leaves the room. I stand over the crib looking down on the baby.
“See, it’s just like I told you,” I say softly. “We’ll get lots of happy hellos, so we don’t need to be sad about our goodbyes. I love you, little Nancy.”
I stand watching her until the song winds down, then tiptoe out.
Danni arrives at the same time the pizza’s delivered.
“Where’s the little baby?” she says, her voice going high and squeaky with anticipation.
“She’s sleeping,” Penny says in a whisper.
“Oh,” Danni whispers back, “Can I see her?”
“Well . . . just be very quiet.”
I walk with Danni back to the pink room.
“Oh, she’s adorable,” she whispers.
Danni moves closer to the crib and the baby stirs. We both tiptoe out and join Nikki and Penny at the table. Over pizza and salad, Nikki and Danni talk about the last track meet which was, in Nikki’s words, a disaster. Danni talks about plans for Grad Nite at Disneyland, and how because Evan isn’t a student at Hamilton High, he has to get special permission from the school to be her date.
“Will you be coming back for graduation?” Danni asks.
I shake my head.
“My diploma’s from San Remo TAPP, not Hamilton High. I can’t go through any of Hamilton’s graduation ceremonies.”
“That sucks! Almost your whole time in high school has been at Hamilton! And after all you’ve done? No way would we have won C.I.F. without you! You should be walking across the stage with everybody else!!”
“It’s okay,” I say, surprised to know that I mean it.
After dinner we look in on Baby Nancy one more time. When we get ready to leave, Nikki draws both me and Danni into a broad hug.
“It won’t be half the team without you two,” she says. “I’ll miss you.”
At the door, Penny hugs me tight.
“Call or email anytime. Come see us when you can.”
They stand at the door, waving, as we drive away.
“They’re very good people,” I say to Danni.
“I know,” she says.
On the way back to Long Beach we talk about the funny old times, the scary times, the changes in our lives. Parked in front of Ella and Sandy’s house, Danni says, “I may not be going to Cal Poly after all.”
“Why not?”
“I may go to Bible College with Evan.”
“But you’ll lose your scholarship, won’t you?”
“My parents say it’s worth the money to have me in a Christian school. Besides, I don’t want to be so far away from Evan.”
I sit staring out the window, not knowing what to say. All through high school we planned on going to college together. Of course, we’d planned on double dating to Grad Night, and walking across the Hamilton High stage with our whole class, too. I have to admit, Danni’s not the only one who’s changed our plans.
“Nobody else knows this yet, but . . . Evan and I are getting married next year.”
“Married? You and Evan?”
“Yes. And I want you to be my maid of honor. June 25. Save the date!”
“Yeah. Okay,” I say, still thinking about how we won’t be roommates at Cal Poly, and, worse yet, we won’t be teammates.
“Do you think Nikki and Penny will let Nancy be our flower girl?”
I laugh.
“I’m going to miss your airheadedness!”
“What? You don’t think they’ll let her??”
“Well . . . She may not be walking yet. Would you mind if she has to crawl down the aisle?”
That gets us laughing.
Danni pesters me to come back for graduation, just to be there and to see everyone. She’s very insistent and I tell her maybe I will, just because I don’t want to argue with her. But in my heart, I know I won’t do that. My life has already moved far away from the old Hamilton High life and, as Grams used to say, I would be a “fish out of water.”
After a teary promise to keep in touch, we say goodbye. I can’t help wondering if we’ll stay sister-close with all of the coming changes, but I know we’ll always care.
It turns out I’m a “natural” at working with the dogs at the training center, at least that’s what my supervising instructors say. One of the dogs I help take care of, Sheba, is a retired guide. When I first saw her she reminded me so much of Casper I decided to check her records. Sure enough, she has the same parents. She’s older than Casper would have been, so they weren’t from the same litter, but her markings are identical to his. Sometimes I get to take her home with me at night, to the apartment I share with three other girls. It’s comforting to have a Casper look-alike sleeping at the foot of my bed.
I often walk with Jerry, one of the other dog care assistants, when we’re exercising the dogs. With the dogs-in-training, we walk along the sidewalks, and across busy streets, getting them used to traffic noises and to crowds of people. With the retired dogs, though, we like to take them along the quiet, wooded pathways on the other side of town. Jerry grew up near here, so he knows where to find all of the half-hidden paths.
On our last walk together, Jerry asked if I’d like to go to a movie Friday night. I said yes. I can tell he likes me, and I think I could like him, too. One thing I know for certain, though. If he’s got any of those little bottles of champagne in his car Friday night, I’m out of there.
Speaking of little bottles of champagne, I got a package in the mail last week—from Jason! He said he got my address from Danni, and he hoped things were going well for me. He said he didn’t want to change anything with the adoption papers, but he’d been thinking about things. He said:
I want your baby’s family to have this information. Would you please pass these papers along for me?
Stapled together were Jason’s health records for his whole life, from a copy of his first pediatrician’s report to the results of his pre-entrance physical exam for University of Iowa. In the family history section it said one of his grandparents had diabetes, one had heart problems and high blood pressure, and his mother had once been treated for seizures. It was a very thorough history and included Jason’s full name, blood type, and place and date of birth.
I don’t know if he’s hoping Nancy will make contact some time, when she’s older, or if he just wants them to know what the genetic tendencies could be. Either way, I emailed him a very brief thank you and sent the packet on to Nikki and Penny.
The scholarship finally came through, and I’m eager to start college in August. Even though Danni won’t be at Cal Poly, Krystal will. I haven’t seen her since last October. I’m looking forward to that happy hello. Also, Krystal loves to talk about dreams, and I want to get back to a dream routine.
In a few months, when I turn eighteen, I’ll be getting whatever money my dad and Grams had in their bank accounts, and money from Dad’s insurance policy. It won’t be much, but enough to see me through college if I’m careful, and if I continue to get a scholarship each year.
I still miss my family something awful, but like Conrad, from Ordinary People, I’m starting to feel alive again. It’s a good feeling.
Early Thursday, before I have to catch the afternoon bus for San Luis Obispo, I take Sheba for an easy walk along one of the paths at the edge of the woods. Sheba tires quickly now, so we stop to rest about halfway into our walk. I sit on a tree stump and Sheba sits beside me, tall and straight, as if she were still on the job.
I catch a shimmer of light from something near Sheba’s front paw, and stoop to pick it up. It’s a dirt-encrusted rock with a tiny speck of fool’s gold showing—just enough to catch the light. I scrape at the dirt with my fingernail, wondering if there’s more fool’s gold than just that little speck. There isn’t, but as I scrape, the shape of the rock becomes more obvious. It’s a heart, smaller than the one in my pocket, but definitely a heart.
On the way back to the training center, holding Sheba’s leash with one hand and the new-found rock in the other, I continue rubbing the dirt away. Someday, twelve or thirteen years from now, I’ll give Nancy this rock. I’ll remind her that I’ll always love her, no matter what mistakes she may make, and that I’m sure she’ll always be part of the solution, like she has been since the day she was born.
The Complete True-to-Life Series from Hamilton High
BY MARILYN REYNOLDS
1–TELLING When twelve-year-old Cassie is accosted and fondled by the father of the children for whom she babysits, she feels dirty and confused.
2–DETOUR FOR EMMY Classic novel about Emmy, pregnant at 15. Read by tens of thousands of teens. American Library Association Best Books for Young Adults List; South Carolina Young Adult Book Award.
3–TOO SOON FOR JEFF Jeff is a senior, a nationally ranked debater, and reluctant father of Christy’s unborn baby. Best Books for Young Adults; Quick Pick for Young Adult Reluctant Readers; ABC After-School TV Special.
4–BEYOND DREAMS Six short stories dealing with situations faced by teenagers - drinking and driving, racism, school failure, abortion, partner abuse, aging relative. “...believable, likeable, and appropriately thoughtful.” —Booklist
5–BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? Erica pours more and more of her life into helping boyfriend Danny get back on track. But the more she tries to help him, the more she loses sight of her own dreams. It takes a tragic turn of events to show Erica that she can’t “save” Danny, and that she is losing herself in the process of trying.
6–BABY HELP Melissa doesn’t consider herself abused - after all, Rudy only hits her occasionally when he’s drinking . . . until she realizes the effect his abuse is having on her child.
7–IF YOU LOVED ME Are love and sex synonymous? Must Lauren break her promise to herself in order to keep Tyler’s love? “engaging, though-provoking read, recommended for reluctant readers.” —Booklist
8–LOVE RULES A testament to the power of love - in family, in friendships, and in teen couples, whether gay or straight, of the same ethnicity or not. It is a testament to the power of gay/straight alliances in working toward the safety of all students.
9–NO MORE SAD GOODBYES “For all the sadness in it, Autumn and her baby’s story is ultimately one of love and hope. It’s a very positive presentation of adoption, especially open adoption.” —Kliatt
10–
SHUT UP Mario (17) and Eddie (9) move in with their aunt after their mother is sent to Iraq with her National Guard unit. Months later, Mario discovers their aunt’s boyfriend in the act of sexually molesting Eddie. Mario’s sole purpose is now to protect his little brother. He takes extreme measures.
Praise for the Hamilton High Series
“Reynolds’ treatment of youth and their challenges, from sexual abstinence to mixed-race parentage, is compassionate, never condescending; the dialogue, situations, emotions, and behavior of the well-defined teen characters ring true. [If You Loved Me is] an engaging, thought-provoking read...”
Shelle Rosenfeld, Booklist
“Out of all the books I’ve read (and trust me, I’ve read tons of books), yours have impacted me the most. They are filled with reality and hope and strength, and make me feel stronger.” Gillian, Midgeville, Georgia
“For all the sadness in [No More Sad Goodbyes], Autumn and her baby’s story is ultimately one of love and hope.” Claire Rosser, Kliatt
“I have just finished reading Detour for Emmy. I wanted you to know that in all my years of school that book is the first book that I have honestly read from cover to cover. I can’t wait to read more of yours.”
Amy, North Toole County High School
“Touching on the adolescent themes of teenage sex, adoption, and abortion – this [No More Sad Goodbyes] topical novel is poignant and inspiring.”
Lambda Rising
“I want to tell you that I find your books very interesting and reading them has helped me get through a lot in my life. Thank you.”
Julie, La Puente High School
“Before I read If You Loved Me I had never bothered to check out a book at a library, but now I can’t stop reading. Thank you for changing the way I lived my life.” Maria, Bell Gardens High School
“Your book [But What About Me?] touched me because it feels like I was the only one going through these things, but when I read your book I knew that I wasn’t alone.” Kendra, Waukesha, WI
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