by Vernor Vinge
Note 1209
* QU is the explanation in this paragraph to repetitive?
* [vsv] CHK distances for INCON June 16, 1991 — actually 58 h ahead of Blight
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Note 1210
* [ur] Page 639, INSERT K [begins a paragraph]:
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Note 1211
* [vsv] CHK that your choosing of the name “Aniara” wasn’t done officially earlier
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Note 1212
* [vsv] usage “zonography” v “zonometry” v capitalization
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Note 1213
* [vsv] Not sure what jdv was uneasy about here (she said it was unclear that Kjet would survive)
* QU say “reliable coldsleep capability”?
* Yes but TUF :
* QU Is this ending too redundant to the conversation that was ended by the miniSurge? It’s probably okay (certainly what goes on back there is appropriate to this situation).
* QU is it too corny to repeat the word Aniara as shown in this paragraph:
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Note 1214
* [vsv] NÆH : CHRON INCON you might have conversations terminated simply because Kjet shortly has to abandon ship. They should still be a little away from Tines World
* [jrf2] [ur] Need to establish the real Ølvira’s identity more concretely, back on p[ ], when you discuss the naming of the ship in the first place. We don’t need much more than you give us now, but something more tangible — ie, how long has he been married to her (or are they married?)? kids? home life?
* [vsv] April 13, 1991 Somewhere might comment that the enemy did seem especially interested in saving the ships that Pham targeted (over others)
* [vsv] June 16, 1991 FRAG Ravna: “Our time for doing is just beginning. We’re very near the Tines’ system.”Fifty-five hours ahead of pursuing destruction.
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Note 1215
* [vsv] I think I have done a little to answer this:
* [jdv] Make it more clear how this has helped Ravna. The fact that we don’t know why the battle was a success is discouraging. And then you might play it more up at the end that the right ships were destroyed. Make it clearer that the SjK ships will find a place to stop. They do have some ramscoops.
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Note 1216
* Climax City!
* ID Consider continuing to go with 3 parts to the novel: I through Fall of RelayII through preceding ChapterIII Climax City (all on Tines World)
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Note 1217
* 02Jul90 call to : Thinks I’m eliding too much. Doesn’t like Navnløs, or Nameless either. I ended up changing the world’s name uniformly to “Tines’ World” QU what does everybody else think of the name “Navnløs” [Nameless]? TITLE The Testament at Navnløs
* The situation after the Final Surge with respect to operating the OOB might be like flying an A320 manually
* [jrf] A320?
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Note 1218
* PRB to bring reader up to speed factually and emotionally about what happened on the ground after the unmasking of Vendacious. QU Do I succeed in this?
* Must have the conflict/suspicion between Pham and Blueshell clearly drawn.
* Faster and faster changes of PoV: OOB Woodcarver Army Flenser Forces Amdijefri
Powerful scene should be the one where the kids begin to figure out that they’ve been had.
* [vsv] as per , consider having Jefri be in the lead on this, even though in a sense he is an outsider
* [vsv] Suspense about how Tyrathect turns out?
* Maybe one more scene where she’s fighting herself, and the rest external to Tyrathect as we watch her work with the children (suspense as to which side she’s on)
* [vsv] No, instead do it with confrontation between Tyra and Flenser
* Probably should make it clear that Greenstalk is not on the command deck, that her voice is being piped in.
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Note 1219
* [ur] FRAG : The Riders could follow all the action from below, but — if Pham’s overrides were effective — they could change nothing.
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Note 1220
* [vsv] [ur] July 20, 1991 CHK CHRON 53h is at the low end of what was implied in c36 (58h, “fifty-five hours”, just over two days)
* [vsv] [ur] July 20, 1991 SEQ story incident: Playful Tines mimicking work sounds (to fool human supervisor) while they loll about
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Note 1221
* PRB to make it plausible that OOB degrades so ungracefully at the Bottom and in the Slowness (especially since the craft was advertized as being a Bottom lugger). Looks like you need some RETRO writing back at Relay about this.
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Note 1222
* [jrf2] What does Ravna know about this stuff??!
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Note 1223
* [vsv] ? CHK these numbers, also the reference at the beginning of the next Ravna scene.
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 Seems like consistency problems if you allow even moderately high accelerations.
* [vsv] I think these implausibilities would be ameliorated by changing the acceleration max to 2g
* [vsv] June 18, 1991 So now I’ve changed the max acc to 0.4g which should take about 5h to reduce to match speeds. (Then I’ll hop back), dangerous though that admittedly is.
* [vsv] 70km/s would be about 30min at 4g and you’d cover about 61000km so if they were real close to begin with, that would be 60000km to get back say, and at 4g that would take 2*sqrt(60000e3/40) = 41min (assuming we want to arrive with about 0 relative velocity)
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Note 1224
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 FRAG Hopping around on ultradrive in near planetary space was deadly illegal in civilization — and deadly stupid in any case.
* PRB INCON how about comparison with Relay? Isn’t it true that many advanced world would look this untouched? QU Should I just take this description out?
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 I don’t think they have been out of contact:
* PRB Gotta justify being out of contact with Jefri since the beginning of the surge. It would make sense to have contacted him during the Blight battle with Commercial Security. In any case, make the timing consistent.
* [jrf2] “Dirokime accidents”: What’s this all about? What kind of accidents?
* [vsv] An ancient civilization would have had all sorts of opportunities to mess up.
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 AWK
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Note 1225
* [vsv] QU Does the end of this paragraph seem off-pace?
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Note 1226
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 FRAG … Jefri again. They’d had only one back and forth since coming out of the Surge. Get it together, Rav. We have fifty hours.What do we tell Jefri and Steel?
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Note 1227
* [vsv] from: tag
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Note 1228
* [vsv] June 10, 1991 AWK : “simple conversation at light speed.”
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Note 1229
* [vsv] QU it would be nice to have some neat thing that satisfyingly puts an end to the Vendacious thread of the story. Criteria: Must fit with the rest of events (at least not get in the way)Must not echo the fates of the various other characters SOLN , actually, I have an acceptable (marginal) solution in the epilogs. Also, you’ve sharpened the following paragraph a little.
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Note 1230
* [vsv] June 2, 1991 But when exactly did she make those promises? After Vendacious turned himself in, in return for his information about the nature of the ambush June 17, 1991
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Note 1231
* [ur] Page 649, INSERT H:
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Note 1232
* [vsv] [ur] June 17, 1991 last sentence in paragraph is AWK
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Note 1233
* QU Is “sapper” the right word? Is there a better one? Changed
* [vsv] PRB INCON make it consistent whether/when/what Woodcarver knows about the absence/death of Flenser — she should have known of that right from the beginning of the story, though as they get POWs now she may suspect that there is something of Flenser left. You do that in the next paragraph or two
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Note 1234
* [ur] FRAG The Northwest was dry this century, and fires were always a problem in high summer. The gunpowder weapons had set brush fires all along the slopes of Margrum Climb, fast- moving furnaces on the steep hills. They had lost almost twenty packs to the fire. But
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Note 1235
* PRB INCON actually, this suspicion that there is unseen help is also (quite rightly) held by Johanna (in her talk with Vendacious in the cotter’s hut)
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 CHKd CHRON 10 of tendays
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 Perhaps should have Johanna speculate that there may be the equivalent of a dataset at Steel. If you make this change, must check novel carefully
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Note 1236
* [vsv] [ur] PRB QU repetitive scene? 02Jun91 mARK
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Note 1237
* [vsv] FRAG June 17, 1991 But in this case, he really was the pack that had screwed up. He could blame others, and kill others, but the truth was not changed.
* TUF Is this paragraph repetitive to that near the beginning of c34
* INCON but flamethrowers would have caused lots of fires anyway
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Note 1238
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 cf “hours” in preceding sentence with “quarter day” elsewhere (that sounded too short)
* [vsv] RETRO write something about a starscape fraud to delay OOB‘s final approach. NO June 17, 1991
* [vsv] PRB this is telegraphing Flenser’s analysis a few paragraphs down — how?
* [vsv] also looks like you have to have comm with Steel to tell him of this arrival delay (if he is to know of it here) — note this refers to the voice contact as the ship passed by
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 seems like it has to be more than 3h in order to allow Steel to do the things he does in this scene. But if it were indefinite hours, then it would be hard to justify the kids’ exploration.
* [vsv] Also, this scene has to be after the close approach/conversation So I say > 5h here (actually 15:00 25Jun15989) is when they are to arrive.
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Note 1239
* [10Jul90 type break]
* NÆH : QU I wonder whether someplace there should be explicit discussion of why Steel didn’t opt for voice band radio instead of the radio cloaks?
* QU YES Is it sufficiently clear in this paragraph what the “grand scheme” is?
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Note 1240
* INCON CHK terminology: Realm? changed to Domain
* NÆH : PRB INCON QU should I make singleton interrogation more of the story? Seems like I’d lose a lot of plot credibility if so, because very few secrets could be held
* QU RETRO write Flenser as the Teacher with a Knife? DONE c24
* [vsv] CHKd 20d is about right (at least consistent with c34)
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Note 1241
* [vsv] possible INCON in motive/reasoning CHK
* [vsv] June 2, 1991 How did they lose them? cannon fire from cannon that had formerly been Steel’s June 17, 1991
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Note 1242
* PRB the rape comment in the next paragraph is out of character: not like Tyrathect, not like Flenser. It is powerful/vicious, but too much like Steel. QU drop it? YES
* CHK name: Rangers. Also CHK name of the scout mentioned earlier
* QU Should there be more chatting about the reversed ambush at Margrum Climb?
* CHK how Flenser/Tyrathect addresses Steel earlier. I would think he would avoid My Lord?
* [vsv] PRB Collision between Flenser Realm and Straumli Realm? QU Changed to “Flenser Realm” to “Flenser Domain”.
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Note 1243
* [vsv] I think this is okay now:
* QU should I make it so Steel knows that OOB is being chased? In terms of plot elegance, I don’t want to.
* PRB Must work out a consistent strategy for what Steel had in mind to capture a working starship.
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 There is mention of the navigational fraud (the starscape fraud to add a couple of hours to OOB‘s in-system approach to Tines’ World) in this paragraph June 17, 1991 NO MORE
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Note 1244
* [vsv] [ur] “to feign” sentence is awkward
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Note 1245
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 Look up the previous use by Tines of “child*”
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Note 1246
* [vsv] QU too repetitive of earlier? :
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Note 1247
* [vsv] PRB This doesn’t seem as great a provocation as things he said earlier. On the other hand, Steel is in a terrible mood
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Note 1248
* [vsv] QU repetitive?
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Note 1249
* General PRB . Villainy seems entirely of a single flavor, and that flamboyant TUF and extreme
* General IMP PRB characterization in individual scenes seems to go okay, but I also need changes/resolutions that build across the length of the novel.
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Note 1250
* [vsv] CHK repetitive? Unfortunately, a lot of themes are getting repeated in this scene
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 This paragraph is not quite in line with your Tyrathect/Flenser development sequence
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 I think you have to change this to indicate that the Fragment was interested in being given the job. Overall there may be a collision of problems in this scene
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 Maybe could use the lowering-of-head/closing-of-eyes mannerism here (indicating that the “little school teacher” is somehow present even still).
* [vsv] June 6, 1991 But “droop” still okay
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Note 1251
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 FRAG : For a moment there was no lightness or sarcasm in its voice. “Steel, they don’t trust me. Somehow they sense the tension between us.”
* [vsv] OUTLINE: scene from Flenser/Tyra pov, fighting with self again, ambiguous conclusion. Then the next scene from Amdijefri pov, and reader can’t be sure which side of Flenser/Tyra has wonThen finally meeting between Woodcarver and the New Flenser, and still there is ambiguity — but perhaps it doesn’t matter
* ID Could have Amdi play interchangeably at being Jefri
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Note 1252
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 Too much clean blue sky? Consider going back and changing the early claim that clear skies are unusual DONE
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Note 1253
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 FRAG : Only an hour now till Ravna had yet returned to the vicinity of the world.
* [vsv] Consider deleting the rest of this scene.
* [vsv] June 6, 1991 I think it can be made useful: Have Steel think to himself how self-satisfied the Frag has seemed of late. He might also note the neck-drooping, eye-blinking behavior but consider it deceitful (later he sees the truth)
* [vsv] Complain that now it’s all too obvious.
* [vsv] June 6, 1991 Actually, Frag sounds so smug through most of the book (including c34 “#The member,) that it seems a little unrealistic in c37 for Steel to noticed him as “self-satisfied”
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Note 1
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* [ur] Page 659, INSERT F [a separate paragraph]:
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Note 1255
* [vsv] [ur] : slightly weak termination. Suggestions?
* [vsv] June 5, 1991 ID IMP could use this as opportunity to comment on Fragment’s greater confidence. Eg, would Steel have given Flenser this assignment if he hadn’t seemed reluctant. Gak, overall I don’t like these diversions.
* [vsv] June 17, 1991 FRAG : #Now that he had a moment away from immediate concerns, these little claws dugged deeper.I need him, yes. But the margin for error is smaller now. There had to be other levers, ways he might destroy the Fragment instantly if the other went for his throats. After a moment, he grated a happy chord. There was a way.
* [vsv] QU PRB I don’t know what he has in mind!! Maybe it was to use radio interference???
* [jrf2] Do you know, or not? If not, perhaps “radio death”, some sort of overload or sudden shock from manipulation of the radio cloaks.
* [vsv] Hmm, I may just drop it (it is after all, just a cover for segue). If I do use it, then Steel’s scheme meets with frustration when he discovers at the end that Flenser is all together and not using the cloaks anymore. — And that apparent forethoughtfulness of Flenser undermines the impression I want leave about Tyrathect’s subtle form of survival.