The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg, and Other Stories

by Mark Twain

  STIRRING TIMES IN AUSTRIA

  I. THE GOVERNMENT IN THE FRYING-PAN.

  Here in Vienna in these closing days of 1897 one's blood gets no chanceto stagnate. The atmosphere is brimful of political electricity.All conversation is political; every man is a battery, with brushesoverworn, and gives out blue sparks when you set him going on the commontopic. Everybody has an opinion, and lets you have it frank and hot, andout of this multitude of counsel you get merely confusion and despair.For no one really understands this political situation, or can tell youwhat is going to be the outcome of it.

  Things have happened here recently which would set any countrybut Austria on fire from end to end, and upset the Government to acertainty; but no one feels confident that such results will followhere. Here, apparently, one must wait and see what will happen, then hewill know, and not before; guessing is idle; guessing cannot help thematter. This is what the wise tell you; they all say it; they say itevery day, and it is the sole detail upon which they all agree.

  There is some approach to agreement upon another point: that there willbe no revolution. Men say: 'Look at our history, revolutions have notbeen in our line; and look at our political map, its construction isunfavourable to an organised uprising, and without unity what could arevolt accomplish? It is disunion which has held our empire together forcenturies, and what it has done in the past it may continue to do nowand in the future.'

  The most intelligible sketch I have encountered of this unintelligiblearrangement of things was contributed to the 'Traveller's Record' by Mr.Forrest Morgan, of Hartford, three years ago. He says:

  'The Austro-Hungarian Monarchy is the patchwork-quilt, the Midway Plaisance, the national chain-gang of Europe; a state that is not a nation, but a collection of nations, some with national memories and aspirations and others without, some occupying distinct provinces almost purely their own, and others mixed with alien races, but each with a different language, and each mostly holding the others foreigners as much as if the link of a common government did not exist. Only one of its races even now comprises so much as one-fourth of the whole, and not another so much as one-sixth; and each has remained for ages as unchanged in isolation, however mingled together in locality, as globules of oil in water. There is nothing else in the modern world that is nearly like it, though there have been plenty in past ages; it seems unreal and impossible even though we know it is true; it violates all our feeling as to what a country should be in order to have a right to exist; and it seems as though it was too ramshackle to go on holding together any length of time. Yet it has survived, much in its present shape, two centuries of storms that have swept perfectly unified countries from existence and others that have brought it to the verge of ruin, has survived formidable European coalitions to dismember it, and has steadily gained force after each; forever changing in its exact make-up, losing in the West but gaining in the East, the changes leave the structure as firm as ever, like the dropping off and adding on of logs in a raft, its mechanical union of pieces showing all the vitality of genuine national life.'

  That seems to confirm and justify the prevalent Austrian faith that inthis confusion of unrelated and irreconcilable elements, this conditionof incurable disunion, there is strength--for the Government. Nearlyevery day some one explains to me that a revolution would not succeedhere. 'It couldn't, you know. Broadly speaking, all the nations in theempire hate the Government--but they all hate each other too, and withdevoted and enthusiastic bitterness; no two of them can combine; thenation that rises must rise alone; then the others would joyfully jointhe Government against her, and she would have just a fly's chanceagainst a combination of spiders. This Government is entirelyindependent. It can go its own road, and do as it pleases; it hasnothing to fear. In countries like England and America, where there isone tongue and the public interests are common, the Government must takeaccount of public opinion; but in Austria-Hungary there are nineteenpublic opinions--one for each state. No--two or three for each state,since there are two or three nationalities in each. A Government cannotsatisfy all these public opinions; it can only go through the motions oftrying. This Government does that. It goes through the motions, and theydo not succeed; but that does not worry the Government much.'

  The next man will give you some further information. 'The Government hasa policy--a wise one--and sticks to it. This policy is--tranquillity:keep this hive of excitable nations as quiet as possible; encourage themto amuse themselves with things less inflammatory than politics. To thisend it furnishes them an abundance of Catholic priests to teach them tobe docile and obedient, and to be diligent in acquiring ignorance aboutthings here below, and knowledge about the kingdom of heaven, to whosehistoric delights they are going to add the charm of their societyby-and-by; and further--to this same end--it cools off the newspapersevery morning at five o'clock, whenever warm events are happening.'There is a censor of the press, and apparently he is always on duty andhard at work. A copy of each morning paper is brought to him at fiveo'clock. His official wagons wait at the doors of the newspaper officesand scud to him with the first copies that come from the press.His company of assistants read every line in these papers, and markeverything which seems to have a dangerous look; then he passes finaljudgment upon these markings. Two things conspire to give to the resultsa capricious and unbalanced look: his assistants have diversifiednotions as to what is dangerous and what isn't; he can't get time toexamine their criticisms in much detail; and so sometimes the very samematter which is suppressed in one paper fails to be damned in anotherone, and gets published in full feather and unmodified. Then the paperin which it was suppressed blandly copies the forbidden matter intoits evening edition--provokingly giving credit and detailing all thecircumstances in courteous and inoffensive language--and of course thecensor cannot say a word.

  Sometimes the censor sucks all the blood out of a newspaper and leavesit colourless and inane; sometimes he leaves it undisturbed, and letsit talk out its opinions with a frankness and vigour hardly to besurpassed, I think, in the journals of any country. Apparently thecensor sometimes revises his verdicts upon second thought, for severaltimes lately he has suppressed journals after their issue and partialdistribution. The distributed copies are then sent for by the censorand destroyed. I have two of these, but at the time they were sent for Icould not remember what I had done with them.

  If the censor did his work before the morning edition was printed, hewould be less of an inconvenience than he is; but, of course, the paperscannot wait many minutes after five o'clock to get his verdict; theymight as well go out of business as do that; so they print and taketheir chances. Then, if they get caught by a suppression, they muststrike out the condemned matter and print the edition over again. Thatdelays the issue several hours, and is expensive besides. The Governmentgets the suppressed edition for nothing. If it bought it, that would bejoyful, and would give great satisfaction. Also, the edition would belarger. Some of the papers do not replace the condemned paragraphswith other matter; they merely snatch them out and leave blanksbehind--mourning blanks, marked 'Confiscated'.

  The Government discourages the dissemination of newspaper information inother ways. For instance, it does not allow newspapers to be sold onthe streets: therefore the newsboy is unknown in Vienna. And there is astamp duty of nearly a cent upon each copy of a newspaper's issue.Every American paper that reaches me has a stamp upon it, which has beenpasted there in the post-office or downstairs in the hotel office; butno matter who put it there, I have to pay for it, and that is the mainthing. Sometimes friends send me so many papers that it takes all I canearn that week to keep this Government going.

  I must take passing notice of another point in the Government's measuresfor maintaining tranquillity. Everybody says it does not like to see anyindividual attain to commanding influence in the country, since such aman can become a disturber and an inconvenience. 'We hav
e as muchtalent as the other nations,' says the citizen, resignedly, and withoutbitterness, 'but for the sake of the general good of the country, we arediscouraged from making it over-conspicuous; and not only discouraged,but tactfully and skillfully prevented from doing it, if we show toomuch persistence. Consequently we have no renowned men; in centurieswe have seldom produced one--that is, seldom allowed one to producehimself. We can say to-day what no other nation of first importancein the family of Christian civilisations can say--that there exists noAustrian who has made an enduring name for himself which is familiar allaround the globe.

  Another helper toward tranquillity is the army. It is as pervasive asthe atmosphere. It is everywhere. All the mentioned creators, promoters,and preservers of the public tranquillity do their several shares inthe quieting work. They make a restful and comfortable serenity andreposefulness. This is disturbed sometimes for a little while: a mobassembles to protest against something; it gets noisy--noisier--stillnoisier--finally too noisy; then the persuasive soldiery comes chargingdown upon it, and in a few minutes all is quiet again, and there is nomob.

  There is a Constitution and there is a Parliament. The House draws itsmembership of 425 deputies from the nineteen or twenty states heretoforementioned. These men represent peoples who speak eleven differentlanguages. That means eleven distinct varieties of jealousies,hostilities, and warring interests. This could be expected to furnishforth a parliament of a pretty inharmonious sort, and make legislationdifficult at times--and it does that. The Parliament is split up intomany parties--the Clericals, the Progressists, the German Nationalists,the Young Czechs, the Social Democrats, the Christian Socialists, andsome others--and it is difficult to get up working combinations amongthem. They prefer to fight apart sometimes.

  The recent troubles have grown out of Count Badeni's necessities. Hecould not carry on his Government without a majority vote in the Houseat his back, and in order to secure it he had to make a trade of somesort. He made it with the Czechs--the Bohemians. The terms were not easyfor him: he must issue an ordinance making the Czech tongue the officiallanguage in Bohemia in place of the German. This created a storm. Allthe Germans in Austria were incensed. In numbers they form but a fourthpart of the empire's population, but they urge that the country's publicbusiness should be conducted in one common tongue, and that tongue aworld language--which German is.

  However, Badeni secured his majority. The German element in Parliamentwas apparently become helpless. The Czech deputies were exultant.

  Then the music began. Badeni's voyage, instead of being smooth, wasdisappointingly rough from the start. The Government must get theAusgleich through. It must not fail. Badeni's majority was ready tocarry it through; but the minority was determined to obstruct it anddelay it until the obnoxious Czech-language measure should be shelved.

  The Ausgleich is an Adjustment, Arrangement, Settlement, which holdsAustria and Hungary together. It dates from 1867, and has to be renewedevery ten years. It establishes the share which Hungary must pay towardthe expenses of the imperial Government. Hungary is a kingdom (theEmperor of Austria is its King), and has its own Parliament andgovernmental machinery. But it has no foreign office, and it has noarmy--at least its army is a part of the imperial army, is paid outof the imperial treasury, and is under the control of the imperial waroffice.

  The ten-year arrangement was due a year ago, but failed to connect. Atleast completely. A year's compromise was arranged. A new arrangementmust be effected before the last day of this year. Otherwise the twocountries become separate entities. The Emperor would still be King ofHungary--that is, King of an independent foreign country. There wouldbe Hungarian custom-houses on the Austrian border, and there would be aHungarian army and a Hungarian foreign office. Both countries would beweakened by this, both would suffer damage.

  The Opposition in the House, although in the minority, had a good weaponto fight with in the pending Ausgleich. If it could delay the Ausgleicha few weeks, the Government would doubtless have to withdraw the hatedlanguage ordinance or lose Hungary.

  The Opposition began its fight. Its arms were the Rules of the House. Itwas soon manifest that by applying these Rules ingeniously it could makethe majority helpless, and keep it so as long as it pleased. It couldshut off business every now and then with a motion to adjourn. It couldrequire the ayes and noes on the motion, and use up thirty minuteson that detail. It could call for the reading and verification of theminutes of the preceding meeting, and use up half a day in that way. Itcould require that several of its members be entered upon the list ofpermitted speakers previously to the opening of a sitting; and as thereis no time-limit, further delays could thus be accomplished.

  These were all lawful weapons, and the men of the Opposition(technically called the Left) were within their rights in using them.They used them to such dire purpose that all parliamentary business wasparalysed. The Right (the Government side) could accomplish nothing.Then it had a saving idea. This idea was a curious one. It was to havethe President and the Vice-Presidents of the Parliament trample theRules under foot upon occasion!

  This, for a profoundly embittered minority constructed out of fire andgun-cotton! It was time for idle strangers to go and ask leave to lookdown out of a gallery and see what would be the result of it.

  II. A MEMORABLE SITTING.

  And now took place that memorable sitting of the House which broke tworecords. It lasted the best part of two days and a night, surpassingby half an hour the longest sitting known to the world's previousparliamentary history, and breaking the long-speech record with Dr.Lecher's twelve-hour effort, the longest flow of unbroken talk that evercame out of one mouth since the world began.

  At 8.45 on the evening of the 28th of October, when the House had beensitting a few minutes short of ten hours, Dr. Lecher was granted thefloor. It was a good place for theatrical effects. I think that noother Senate House is so shapely as this one, or so richly and showilydecorated. Its plan is that of an opera-house. Up toward the straightside of it--the stage side--rise a couple of terraces of desks for theministry, and the official clerks or secretaries--terraces thirty feetlong, and each supporting about half a dozen desks with spaces betweenthem. Above these is the President's terrace, against the wall. Along itare distributed the proper accommodations for the presiding officer andhis assistants. The wall is of richly coloured marble highly polished,its paneled sweep relieved by fluted columns and pilasters ofdistinguished grace and dignity, which glow softly and frostily in theelectric light. Around the spacious half-circle of the floor bendsthe great two-storied curve of the boxes, its frontage elaboratelyornamented and sumptuously gilded. On the floor of the House the 425desks radiate fanwise from the President's tribune.

  The galleries are crowded on this particular evening, for word has goneabout that the Ausgleich is before the House; that the President, Rittervon Abrahamowicz, has been throttling the Rules; that the Opposition arein an inflammable state in consequence, and that the night session islikely to be of an exciting sort.

  The gallery guests are fashionably dressed, and the finery of the womenmakes a bright and pretty show under the strong electric light. But downon the floor there is no costumery.

  The deputies are dressed in day clothes; some of the clothes neat andtrim, others not; there may be three members in evening dress, but notmore. There are several Catholic priests in their long black gowns, andwith crucifixes hanging from their necks. No member wears his hat. Onemay see by these details that the aspects are not those of an eveningsitting of an English House of Commons, but rather those of a sitting ofour House of Representatives.

  In his high place sits the President, Abrahamowicz, object of theOpposition's limitless hatred. He is sunk back in the depths of hisarm-chair, and has his chin down. He brings the ends of his spreadfingers together, in front of his breast, and reflectively taps themtogether, with the air of one who would like to begin business, but mustwait, and be as patient as he can. It makes you think of Richelieu. Now
and then he swings his head up to the left or to the right and answerssomething which some one has bent down to say to him. Then he taps hisfingers again. He looks tired, and maybe a trifle harassed. He is agray-haired, long, slender man, with a colourless long face, which,in repose, suggests a death-mask; but when not in repose is tossed andrippled by a turbulent smile which washes this way and that, and is noteasy to keep up with--a pious smile, a holy smile, a saintly smile, adeprecating smile, a beseeching and supplicating smile; and when itis at work the large mouth opens, and the flexible lips crumple, andunfold, and crumple again, and move around in a genial and persuasiveand angelic way, and expose large glimpses of the teeth; and thatinterrupts the sacredness of the smile and gives it momentarily a mixedworldly and political and satanic cast. It is a most interesting faceto watch. And then the long hands and the body--they furnish great andfrequent help to the face in the business of adding to the force of thestatesman's words.

  To change the tense. At the time of which I have just been speaking thecrowds in the galleries were gazing at the stage and the pit with raptinterest and expectancy. One half of the great fan of desks was ineffect empty, vacant; in the other half several hundred members werebunched and jammed together as solidly as the bristles in a brush; andthey also were waiting and expecting. Presently the Chair delivered thisutterance:

  'Dr. Lecher has the floor.'

  Then burst out such another wild and frantic and deafening clamour ashas not been heard on this planet since the last time the Comanchessurprised a white settlement at night. Yells from the Left,counter-yells from the Right, explosions of yells from all sidesat once, and all the air sawed and pawed and clawed and cloven by awrithing confusion of gesturing arms and hands. Out of the midst of thisthunder and turmoil and tempest rose Dr. Lecher, serene and collected,and the providential length of him enabled his head to show out of it.He began his twelve-hour speech. At any rate, his lips could be seen tomove, and that was evidence. On high sat the President, imploring order,with his long hands put together as in prayer, and his lips visibly butnot hearably speaking. At intervals he grasped his bell and swung itup and down with vigour, adding its keen clamour to the storm welteringthere below.

  Dr. Lecher went on with his pantomime speech, contented, untroubled.Here and there and now and then powerful voices burst above the din,and delivered an ejaculation that was heard. Then the din ceased for amoment or two, and gave opportunity to hear what the Chair might answer;then the noise broke out again. Apparently the President was beingcharged with all sorts of illegal exercises of power in the interest ofthe Right (the Government side): among these, with arbitrarily closingan Order of Business before it was finished; with an unfair distributionof the right to the floor; with refusal of the floor, upon quibble andprotest, to members entitled to it; with stopping a speaker's speechupon quibble and protest; and with other transgressions of the Rules ofthe House. One of the interrupters who made himself heard was a youngfellow of slight build and neat dress, who stood a little apart from thesolid crowd and leaned negligently, with folded arms and feet crossed,against a desk. Trim and handsome; strong face and thin features; blackhair roughed up; parsimonious moustache; resonant great voice, ofgood tone and pitch. It is Wolf, capable and hospitable with sword andpistol; fighter of the recent duel with Count Badeni, the head of theGovernment. He shot Badeni through the arm and then walked over in thepolitest way and inspected his game, shook hands, expressed regret, andall that. Out of him came early this thundering peal, audible above thestorm:

  'I demand the floor. I wish to offer a motion.'

  In the sudden lull which followed, the President answered, 'Dr. Lecherhas the floor.'

  Wolf. 'I move the close of the sitting!'

  P. 'Representative Lecher has the floor.' (Stormy outburst from theLeft--that is, the Opposition.)

  Wolf. 'I demand the floor for the introduction of a formal notion.(Pause). Mr. President, are you going to grant it, or not? (Crash ofapproval from the Left.) I will keep on demanding the floor till I getit.'

  P. 'I call Representative Wolf to order. Dr. Lecher has the floor.'

  Wolf. 'Mr. President, are you going to observe the Rules of this House?'(Tempest of applause and confused ejaculations from the Left--a boom androar which long endured, and stopped all business for the time being.)

  Dr. von Pessler. 'By the Rules motions are in order, and the Chair mustput them to vote.'

  For answer the President (who is a Pole--I make this remark in passing)began to jangle his bell with energy at the moment that that wildpandemonium of voices broke out again.

  Wolf (hearable above the storm). 'Mr. President, I demand the floor. Weintend to find out, here and now, which is the hardest, a Pole's skullor a German's!'

  This brought out a perfect cyclone of satisfaction from the Left. In themidst of it someone again moved an Adjournment. The President blandlyanswered that Dr. Lecher had the floor. Which was true; and he wasspeaking, too, calmly, earnestly, and argumentatively; and the officialstenographers had left their places and were at his elbows taking downhis words, he leaning and orating into their ears--a most curious andinteresting scene.

  Dr. von Pessler (to the Chair). 'Do not drive us to extremities!'

  The tempest burst out again: yells of approval from the Left, catcallsand ironical laughter from the Right. At this point a new and mosteffective noise-maker was pressed into service. Each desk has anextension, consisting of a removable board eighteen inches long, sixwide, and a half-inch thick. A member pulled one of these out andbegan to belabour the top of his desk with it. Instantly othermembers followed suit, and perhaps you can imagine the result. Of allconceivable rackets it is the most ear-splitting, intolerable, andaltogether fiendish.

  The persecuted President leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes,clasped his hands in his lap, and a look of pathetic resignation creptover his long face. It is the way a country schoolmaster used to look indays long past when he had refused his school a holiday and it had risenagainst him in ill-mannered riot and violence and insurrection. Twicea motion to adjourn had been offered--a motion always in order in otherHouses, and doubtless so in this one also. The President had refused toput these motions. By consequence, he was not in a pleasant place now,and was having a right hard time. Votes upon motions, whether carried ordefeated, could make endless delay, and postpone the Ausgleich to nextcentury.

  In the midst of these sorrowful circumstances and this hurricane ofyells and screams and satanic clatter of desk-boards, RepresentativeDr. Kronawetter unfeelingly reminds the Chair that a motion has beenoffered, and adds: 'Say yes, or no! What do you sit there for, and giveno answer?'

  P. 'After I have given a speaker the floor, I cannot give it toanother. After Dr. Lecher is through, I will put your motion.' (Storm ofindignation from the Left.)

  Wolf (to the Chair). 'Thunder and lightning! look at the Rule governingthe case!'

  Kronawetter. 'I move the close of the sitting! And I demand the ayes andnoes!'

  Dr. Lecher. 'Mr. President, have I the floor?'

  P. 'You have the floor.'

  Wolf (to the Chair, in a stentorian voice which cleaves its way throughthe storm). 'It is by such brutalities as these that you drive us toextremities! Are you waiting till someone shall throw into your facethe word that shall describe what you are bringing about?(1) (Tempestof insulted fury from the Right.) Is that what you are waiting for, oldGrayhead?' (Long-continued clatter of desk-boards from the Left, withshouts of 'The vote! the vote!' An ironical shout from the Right, 'Wolfis boss!')

  Wolf keeps on demanding the floor for his motion. At length--

  P. 'I call Representative Wolf to order! Your conduct is unheard of,sir! You forget that you are in a parliament; you must remember whereyou are, sir.' (Applause from the Right. Dr. Lecher is still peacefullyspeaking, the stenographers listening at his lips.)

  Wolf (banging on his desk with his desk-board). 'I demand the floor formy motion! I won't stand this trampling of the Rules unde
r foot--no, notif I die for it! I will never yield. You have got to stop me by force.Have I the floor?'

  P. 'Representative Wolf, what kind of behaviour is this? I call you toorder again. You should have some regard for your dignity.'

  Dr. Lecher speaks on. Wolf turns upon him with an offensive innuendo.

  Dr. Lecher. 'Mr. Wolf, I beg you to refrain from that sort ofsuggestions.' (Storm of hand-clapping from the Right.)

  This was applause from the enemy, for Lecher himself, like Wolf, was anObstructionist.

  Wolf growls to Lecher, 'You can scribble that applause in your album!'

  P. 'Once more I call Representative Wolf to order! Do not forget thatyou are a Representative, sir!'

  Wolf (slam-banging with his desk-board). 'I will force this matter! Areyou going to grant me the floor, or not?'

  And still the sergeant-at-arms did not appear. It was because therewasn't any. It is a curious thing, but the Chair has no effectual meansof compelling order.

  After some more interruptions:

  Wolf (banging with his board). 'I demand the floor. I will not yield!'

  P. 'I have no recourse against Representative Wolf. In the presence ofbehaviour like this it is to be regretted that such is the case.' (Ashout from the Right, 'Throw him out!')

  It is true he had no effective recourse. He had an official called an'Ordner,' whose help he could invoke in desperate cases, but apparentlythe Ordner is only a persuader, not a compeller. Apparently he is asergeant-at-arms who is not loaded; a good enough gun to look at, butnot valuable for business.

  For another twenty or thirty minutes Wolf went on banging with his boardand demanding his rights; then at last the weary President threatenedto summon the dread order-maker. But both his manner and his wordswere reluctant. Evidently it grieved him to have to resort to this direextremity. He said to Wolf, 'If this goes on, I shall feel obliged tosummon the Ordner, and beg him to restore order in the House.'

  Wolf. 'I'd like to see you do it! Suppose you fetch in a few policementoo! (Great tumult.) Are you going to put my motion to adjourn, or not?'

  Dr. Lecher continues his speech. Wolf accompanies him with hisboard-clatter.

  The President despatches the Ordner, Dr. Lang (himself a deputy), onhis order-restoring mission. Wolf, with his board uplifted fordefence, confronts the Ordner with a remark which Boss Tweed mighthave translated into 'Now let's see what you are going to do about it!'(Noise and tumult all over the House.)

  Wolf stands upon his rights, and says he will maintain them until he iskilled in his tracks. Then he resumes his banging, the President jangleshis bell and begs for order, and the rest of the House augments theracket the best it can.

  Wolf. 'I require an adjournment, because I find myself personallythreatened. (Laughter from the Right.) Not that I fear for myself; I amonly anxious about what will happen to the man who touches me.'

  The Ordner. 'I am not going to fight with you.'

  Nothing came of the efforts of the angel of peace, and he presentlymelted out of the scene and disappeared. Wolf went on with his noiseand with his demands that he be granted the floor, resting his boardat intervals to discharge criticisms and epithets at the Chair. Once hereminded the Chairman of his violated promise to grant him (Wolf) thefloor, and said, 'Whence I came, we call promise-breakers rascals!' Andhe advised the Chairman to take his conscience to bed with him and useit as a pillow. Another time he said that the Chair was making itselfridiculous before all Europe. In fact, some of Wolf's language wasalmost unparliamentary. By-and-by he struck the idea of beating out atune with his board. Later he decided to stop asking for the floor, andto confer it upon himself. And so he and Dr. Lecher now spoke at thesame time, and mingled their speeches with the other noises, andnobody heard either of them. Wolf rested himself now and then fromspeech-making by reading, in his clarion voice, from a pamphlet.

  I will explain that Dr. Lecher was not making a twelve-hour speech forpastime, but for an important purpose. It was the Government's intentionto push the Ausgleich through its preliminary stages in this one sitting(for which it was the Order of the Day), and then by vote refer it toa select committee. It was the Majority's scheme--as charged by theOpposition--to drown debate upon the bill by pure noise--drown it outand stop it. The debate being thus ended, the vote upon the referencewould follow--with victory for the Government. But into the Government'scalculations had not entered the possibility of a single-barrelledspeech which should occupy the entire time-limit of the setting, andalso get itself delivered in spite of all the noise. Goliath wasnot expecting David. But David was there; and during twelve hours hetranquilly pulled statistical, historical, and argumentative pebbles outof his scrip and slung them at the giant; and when he was done he wasvictor, and the day was saved.

  In the English House an obstructionist has held the floor withBible-readings and other outside matters; but Dr. Lecher could nothave that restful and recuperative privilege--he must confine himselfstrictly to the subject before the House. More than once, when thePresident could not hear him because of the general tumult, he sentpersons to listen and report as to whether the orator was speaking tothe subject or not.

  The subject was a peculiarly difficult one, and it would have troubledany other deputy to stick to it three hours without exhausting hisammunition, because it required a vast and intimate knowledge--detailedand particularised knowledge--of the commercial, railroading, financial,and international banking relations existing between two greatsovereignties, Hungary and the Empire. But Dr. Lecher is Presidentof the Board of Trade of his city of Brunn, and was master of thesituation. His speech was not formally prepared. He had a few notesjotted down for his guidance; he had his facts in his head; his heartwas in his work; and for twelve hours he stood there, undisturbed by theclamour around him, and with grace and ease and confidence pouredout the riches of his mind, in closely reasoned arguments, clothed ineloquent and faultless phrasing.

  He is a young man of thirty-seven. He is tall and well-proportioned, andhas cultivated and fortified his muscle by mountain-climbing. If he werea little handsomer he would sufficiently reproduce for me the ChaunceyDepew of the great New England dinner nights of some years ago; he hasDepew's charm of manner and graces of language and delivery.

  There was but one way for Dr. Lecher to hold the floor--he must stayon his legs. If he should sit down to rest a moment, the floor would betaken from him by the enemy in the Chair. When he had been talking threeor four hours he himself proposed an adjournment, in order that he mightget some rest from his wearing labours; but he limited his motion withthe condition that if it was lost he should be allowed to continuehis speech, and if it was carried he should have the floor at thenext sitting. Wolf was now appeased, and withdrew his ownthousand-times-offered motion, and Dr. Lecher's was voted upon--andlost. So he went on speaking.

  By one o'clock in the morning, excitement and noise-making had tiredout nearly everybody but the orator. Gradually the seats of theRight underwent depopulation; the occupants had slipped out to therefreshment-rooms to eat and drink, or to the corridors to chat. Someone remarked that there was no longer a quorum present, and moved a callof the House. The Chair (Vice-President Dr. Kramarz) refused to put itto vote. There was a small dispute over the legality of this ruling, butthe Chair held its ground.

  The Left remained on the battle-field to support their champion. Hewent steadily on with his speech; and always it was strong, virile,felicitous, and to the point. He was earning applause, and this enabledhis party to turn that fact to account. Now and then they applauded hima couple of minutes on a stretch, and during that time he could stopspeaking and rest his voice without having the floor taken from him.

  At a quarter to two a member of the Left demanded that Dr. Lecher beallowed a recess for rest, and said that the Chairman was 'heartless.'Dr. Lecher himself asked for ten minutes. The Chair allowed him five.Before the time had run out Dr. Lecher was on his feet again.

  Wolf burst out again with a motion to a
djourn. Refused by the Chair.Wolf said the whole Parliament wasn't worth a pinch of powder. The Chairretorted that that was true in a case where a single member was ableto make all parliamentary business impossible. Dr. Lecher continued hisspeech.

  The members of the Majority went out by detachments from time to timeand took naps upon sofas in the reception-rooms; and also refreshedthemselves with food and drink--in quantities nearly unbelievable--butthe Minority stayed loyally by their champion. Some distinguisheddeputies of the Majority stayed by him too, compelled thereto byadmiration of his great performance. When a man has been speakingeight hours, is it conceivable that he can still be interesting, stillfascinating? When Dr. Lecher had been speaking eight hours he was stillcompactly surrounded by friends who would not leave him, and by foes (ofall parties) who could not; and all hung enchanted and wondering uponhis words, and all testified their admiration with constant and cordialoutbursts of applause. Surely this was a triumph without precedent inhistory.

  During the twelve-hour effort friends brought to the orator threeglasses of wine, four cups of coffee, and one glass of beer--a moststingy re-enforcement of his wasting tissues, but the hostile Chairwould permit no addition to it. But, no matter, the Chair could not beatthat man. He was a garrison holding a fort, and was not to be starvedout.

  When he had been speaking eight hours his pulse was 72; when he hadspoken twelve, it was 100.

  He finished his long speech in these terms, as nearly as a permissiblyfree translation can convey them:

  'I will now hasten to close my examination of the subject. I conceivethat we of the Left have made it clear to the honourable gentlemenof the other side of the House that we are stirred by no intemperateenthusiasm for this measure in its present shape....

  'What we require, and shall fight for with all lawful weapons, is aformal, comprehensive, and definitive solution and settlement of thesevexed matters. We desire the restoration of the earlier condition ofthings; the cancellation of all this incapable Government's pernicioustrades with Hungary; and then--release from the sorry burden of theBadeni ministry!

  'I voice the hope--I know not if it will be fulfilled--I voice the deepand sincere and patriotic hope that the committee into whose hands thisbill will eventually be committed will take its stand upon high ground,and will return the Ausgleich-Provisorium to this House in a form whichshall make it the protector and promoter alike of the great interestsinvolved and of the honour of our fatherland.' After a pause, turningtowards the Government benches: 'But in any case, gentlemen of theMajority, make sure of this: henceforth, as before, you find us at ourpost. The Germans of Austria will neither surrender nor die!'

  Then burst a storm of applause which rose and fell, rose and fell, burstout again and again and again, explosion after explosion, hurricaneafter hurricane, with no apparent promise of ever coming to an end; andmeantime the whole Left was surging and weltering about the champion,all bent upon wringing his hand and congratulating him and glorifyinghim.

  Finally he got away, and went home and ate five loaves and twelvebaskets of fish, read the morning papers, slept three hours, took ashort drive, then returned to the House, and sat out the rest of thethirty-three-hour session.

  To merely stand up in one spot twelve hours on a stretch is a featwhich very few men could achieve; to add to the task the utterance of ahundred thousand words would be beyond the possibilities of the most ofthose few; to superimpose the requirement that the words should be putinto the form of a compact, coherent, and symmetrical oration wouldprobably rule out the rest of the few, bar Dr. Lecher.

  III.--CURIOUS PARLIAMENTARY ETIQUETTE.

  In consequence of Dr. Lecher's twelve-hour speech and the otherobstructions furnished by the Minority, the famous thirty-three-hoursitting of the House accomplished nothing. The Government side had madea supreme effort, assisting itself with all the helps at hand, bothlawful and unlawful, yet had failed to get the Ausgleich into the handsof a committee. This was a severe defeat. The Right was mortified, theLeft jubilant.

  Parliament was adjourned for a week--to let the members cool off,perhaps--a sacrifice of precious time; for but two months remained inwhich to carry the all-important Ausgleich to a consummation.

  If I have reported the behaviour of the House intelligibly, the readerhas been surprised by it, and has wondered whence these law-makers comeand what they are made of; and he has probably supposed that the conductexhibited at the Long Sitting was far out of the common, and due tospecial excitement and irritation. As to the make-up of the House, itis this: the deputies come from all the walks of life and from all thegrades of society. There are princes, counts, barons, priests,peasants, mechanics, labourers, lawyers, judges, physicians, professors,merchants, bankers, shopkeepers. They are religious men, they areearnest, sincere, devoted, and they hate the Jews. The title of Doctoris so common in the House that one may almost say that the deputy whodoes not bear it is by that reason conspicuous. I am assured that it isnot a self-granted title, and not an honorary one, but an earned one;that in Austria it is very seldom conferred as a mere compliment; thatin Austria the degrees of Doctor of Music, Doctor of Philosophy, and soon, are not conferred by the seats of learning; and so, when an Austrianis called Doctor, it means that he is either a lawyer or a physician,and that he is not a self-educated man, but is college-bred, and hasbeen diplomaed for merit.

  That answers the question of the constitution of the House. Now as tothe House's curious manners. The manners exhibited by this convention ofDoctors were not at that time being tried as a wholly new experiment.I will go back to a previous sitting in order to show that the deputieshad already had some practice.

  There had been an incident. The dignity of the House had been woundedby improprieties indulged in in its presence by a couple of the members.This matter was placed in the hands of a committee to determine wherethe guilt lay and the degree of it, and also to suggest the punishment.The chairman of the committee brought in his report. By this it appearedthat in the course of a speech, Deputy Schrammel said that religionhad no proper place in the public schools--it was a private matter.Whereupon Deputy Gregorig shouted, 'How about free love!'

  To this, Deputy Iro flung out this retort: 'Soda-water at theWimberger!'

  This appeared to deeply offend Deputy Gregorig, who shouted back at Iro,'You cowardly blatherskite, say that again!'

  The committee had sat three hours. Gregorig had apologised. Iroexplained that he didn't say anything about soda-water at the Wimberger.He explained in writing, and was very explicit: 'I declare upon my wordof honour that I did not say the words attributed to me.'

  Unhappily for his word of honour, it was proved by the officialstenographers and by the testimony of several deputies that he did saythem.

  The committee did not officially know why the apparently inconsequentialreference to soda-water at the Wimberger should move Deputy Gregorigto call the utterer of it a cowardly blatherskite; still, after properdeliberation, it was of the opinion that the House ought to formallycensure the whole business. This verdict seems to have been regarded assharply severe. I think so because Deputy Dr. Lueger, Burgermeisterof Vienna, felt it a duty to soften the blow to his friend Gregorigby showing that the soda-water remark was not so innocuous as it mightlook; that, indeed, Gregorig's tough retort was justifiable--and heproceeded to explain why. He read a number of scandalous post-cardswhich he intimated had proceeded from Iro, as indicated by thehandwriting, though they were anonymous. Some of them were posted toGregorig at his place of business and could have been read by all hissubordinates; the others were posted to Gregorig's wife. Lueger did notsay--but everybody knew--that the cards referred to a matter of towngossip which made Mr. Gregorig a chief actor in a tavern scene wheresiphon-squirting played a prominent and humorous part, and wherein womenhad a share.

  There were several of the cards; more than several, in fact; no fewerthan five were sent in one day. Dr. Lueger read some of them, anddescribed others. Some of them had pictures on the
m; one a picture of ahog with a monstrous snout, and beside it a squirting soda-siphon; belowit some sarcastic doggerel.

  Gregorig dealt in shirts, cravats, etc. One of the cards bore thesewords: 'Much-respected Deputy and collar-sewer--or stealer.'

  Another: 'Hurrah for the Christian-Social work among thewomen-assemblages! Hurrah for the soda-squirter!' Comment by Dr. Lueger:'I cannot venture to read the rest of that one, nor the signature,either.'

  Another: 'Would you mind telling me if....' Comment by Dr. Lueger: 'Therest of it is not properly readable.'

  To Deputy Gregorig's wife: 'Much-respected Madam Gregorig,--Theundersigned desires an invitation to the next soda-squirt.' Commentby Dr. Lueger: 'Neither the rest of the card nor the signature can Iventure to read to the House, so vulgar are they.'

  The purpose of this card--to expose Gregorig to his family--was repeatedin others of these anonymous missives.

  The House, by vote, censured the two improper deputies.

  This may have had a modifying effect upon the phraseology of themembership for a while, and upon its general exuberance also, but it wasnot for long. As has been seen, it had become lively once more on thenight of the Long Sitting. At the next sitting after the long one therewas certainly no lack of liveliness. The President was persistentlyignoring the Rules of the House in the interest of the government side,and the Minority were in an unappeasable fury about it. The ceaselessdin and uproar, the shouting and stamping and desk-banging, weredeafening, but through it all burst voices now and then that madethemselves heard. Some of the remarks were of a very candid sort, andI believe that if they had been uttered in our House of Representativesthey would have attracted attention. I will insert some samples here.Not in their order, but selected on their merits:

  Mr. Mayreder (to the President). 'You have lied! You conceded the floorto me; make it good, or you have lied!'

  Mr. Glockner (to the President). 'Leave! Get out!'

  Wolf (indicating the President). 'There sits a man to whom a certaintitle belongs!'

  Unto Wolf, who is continuously reading, in a powerful voice, from anewspaper, arrive these personal remarks from the Majority: 'Oh, shutyour mouth!' 'Put him out!' 'Out with him!' Wolf stops reading a momentto shout at Dr. Lueger, who has the floor but cannot get a hearing,'Please, Betrayer of the People, begin!'

  Dr. Lueger, 'Meine Herren--' ('Oho!' and groans.)

  Wolf. 'That's the holy light of the Christian Socialists!'

  Mr. Kletzenbauer (Christian Socialist). 'Dam--nation! Are you ever goingto quiet down?'

  Wolf discharges a galling remark at Mr. Wohlmeyer.

  Wohlmeyer (responding). 'You Jew, you!'

  There is a moment's lull, and Dr. Lueger begins his speech. Graceful,handsome man, with winning manners and attractive bearing, a bright andeasy speaker, and is said to know how to trim his political sails tocatch any favouring wind that blows. He manages to say a few words, thenthe tempest overwhelms him again.

  Wolf stops reading his paper a moment to say a drastic thing aboutLueger and his Christian-Social pieties, which sets the C.S.S. in a sortof frenzy.

  Mr. Vielohlawek. 'You leave the Christian Socialists alone, youword-of-honour-breaker! Obstruct all you want to, but you leave themalone! You've no business in this House; you belong in a gin-mill!'

  Mr. Prochazka. 'In a lunatic-asylum, you mean!'

  Vielohlawek. 'It's a pity that such a man should be leader of the Germans;he disgraces the German name!'

  Dr. Scheicher. 'It's a shame that the like of him should insult us.'

  Strohbach (to Wolf). 'Contemptible cub--we will bounce thee out ofthis!' (It is inferable that the 'thee' is not intended to indicateaffection this time, but to re-enforce and emphasise Mr. Storhbach'sscorn.)

  Dr. Scheicher. 'His insults are of no consequence. He wants his earsboxed.'

  Dr. Lueger (to Wolf). 'You'd better worry a trifle over your Iro's wordof honour. You are behaving like a street arab.'

  Dr. Scheicher. 'It is infamous!'

  Dr. Lueger. 'And these shameless creatures are the leaders of the GermanPeople's Party!'

  Meantime Wolf goes whooping along with his newspaper readings in greatcontentment.

  Dr. Pattai. 'Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You haven't the floor!'

  Strohbach. 'The miserable cub!'

  Dr. Lueger (to Wolf, raising his voice strenuously above the storm).'You are a wholly honourless street brat!' (A voice, 'Fire therapscallion out!' But Wolf's soul goes marching noisily on, just thesame.)

  Schonerer (vast and muscular, and endowed with the most powerful voicein the Reichsrath; comes ploughing down through the standing crowds,red, and choking with anger; halts before Deputy Wohlmeyer, grabs a ruleand smashes it with a blow upon a desk, threatens Wohlmeyer's face withhis fist, and bellows out some personalities, and a promise). 'Only youwait--we'll teach you!' (A whirlwind of offensive retorts assails himfrom the band of meek and humble Christian Socialists compactedaround their leader, that distinguished religious expert, Dr. Lueger,Burgermeister of Vienna. Our breath comes in excited gasps now, and weare full of hope. We imagine that we are back fifty years ago in theArkansas Legislature, and we think we know what is going to happen, andare glad we came, and glad we are up in the gallery, out of the way,where we can see the whole thing and yet not have to supply any of thematerial for the inquest. However, as it turns out, our confidence isabused, our hopes are misplaced.)

  Dr. Pattai (wildly excited). 'You quiet down, or we shall turn ourselvesloose! There will be cuffing of ears!'

  Prochazka (in a fury). 'No--not ear boxing, but genuine blows!'

  Vieholawek. 'I would rather take my hat off to a Jew than to Wolf!'

  Strohbach (to Wolf). 'Jew flunky! Here we have been fighting the Jewsfor ten years, and now you are helping them to power again. How much doyou get for it?'

  Holansky. 'What he wants is a strait-jacket!'

  Wolf continues his reading. It is a market report now.

  Remark flung across the House to Schonerer: 'Die Grossmutter auf demMisthaufen erzeugt worden!'

  It will be judicious not to translate that. Its flavour is pretty high,in any case, but it becomes particularly gamy when you remember that thefirst gallery was well stocked with ladies.

  Apparently it was a great hit. It fetched thunders of joyous enthusiasmout of the Christian Socialists, and in their rapture they flung bitingepithets with wasteful liberality at specially detested members ofthe Opposition; among others, this one at Schonerer, 'Bordell in derKrugerstrasse!' Then they added these words, which they whooped, howled,and also even sang, in a deep-voiced chorus: 'Schmul Leeb Kohn! SchmulLeeb Kohn! Schmul Leeb Kohn!' and made it splendidly audible above thebanging of desk-boards and the rest of the roaring cyclone of fiendishnoises. (A gallery witticism comes flitting by from mouth to moutharound the great curve: 'The swan-song of Austrian representativegovernment!' You can note its progress by the applausive smiles and nodsit gets as it skims along.)

  Kletzenbauer. 'Holofernes, where is Judith?' (Storm of laughter.)

  Gregorig (the shirt-merchant). 'This Wolf-Theatre is costing 6,000florins!'

  Wolf (with sweetness). 'Notice him, gentlemen; it is Mr. Gregorig.'(Laughter.)

  Vieholawek (to Wolf). 'You Judas!'

  Schneider. 'Brothel-knight!'

  Chorus of Voices. 'East-German offal tub!'

  And so the war of epithets crashes along, with never-diminishing energy,for a couple of hours.

  The ladies in the gallery were learning. That was well; for by-and-byladies will form a part of the membership of all the legislatures in theworld; as soon as they can prove competency they will be admitted. Atpresent, men only are competent to legislate; therefore they lookdown upon women, and would feel degraded if they had to have them forcolleagues in their high calling.

  Wolf is yelling another market report now.

  Gessman. 'Shut up, infamous louse-brat!'

  During a momentary lull Dr. Lueger gets a hearing for three
sentences ofhis speech. They demand and require that the President shall suppress thefour noisiest members of the Opposition.

  Wolf (with a that-settles-it toss of the head). 'The shifty trickster ofVienna has spoken!'

  Iro belonged to Schonerer's party. The word-of-honour incident hasgiven it a new name. Gregorig is a Christian Socialist, and hero of thepost-cards and the Wimberger soda-squirting incident. He stands vastand conspicuous, and conceited and self-satisfied, and roosterish andinconsequential, at Lueger's elbow, and is proud and cocky to be in sucha great company. He looks very well indeed; really majestic, and awareof it. He crows out his little empty remark, now and then, and looks aspleased as if he had been delivered of the Ausgleich. Indeed, he doeslook notably fine. He wears almost the only dress vest on the floor; itexposes a continental spread of white shirt-front; his hands are posedat ease in the lips of his trousers pockets; his head is tilted backcomplacently; he is attitudinising; he is playing to the gallery.However, they are all doing that. It is curious to see. Men who onlyvote, and can't make speeches, and don't know how to invent wittyejaculations, wander about the vacated parts of the floor, and stop ina good place and strike attitudes--attitudes suggestive of weightythought, mostly--and glance furtively up at the galleries to see how itworks; or a couple will come together and shake hands in an artificialway, and laugh a gay manufactured laugh, and do some constrained andself-conscious attitudinising; and they steal glances at thegalleries to see if _they_ are getting notice. It is like a scene on thestage--by-play by minor actors at the back while the stars do the greatwork at the front. Even Count Badeni attitudinises for a moment; strikesa reflective Napoleonic attitude of fine picturesqueness--butsoon thinks better of it and desists. There are two who do notattitudinise--poor harried and insulted President Abrahamowicz, whoseems wholly miserable, and can find no way to put in the dreary timebut by swinging his bell and discharging occasional remarks which nobodycan hear; and a resigned and patient priest, who sits lonely in a greatvacancy on Majority territory and munches an apple.

  Schonerer uplifts his fog-horn of a voice and shakes the roof with aninsult discharged at the Majority.

  Dr. Lueger. 'The Honourless Party would better keep still here!'

  Gregorig (the echo, swelling out his shirt-front). 'Yes, keep quiet,pimp!'

  Schonerer (to Lueger). 'Political mountebank!'

  Prochazka (to Schonerer). 'Drunken clown!'

  During the final hour of the sitting many happy phrases were distributedthrough the proceedings. Among them were these--and they are strikinglygood ones:

  'Blatherskite!'

  'Blackguard!'

  'Scoundrel!'

  'Brothel-daddy!'

  This last was the contribution of Dr. Gessman, and gave greatsatisfaction. And deservedly. It seems to me that it was one of the mostsparkling things that was said during the whole evening.

  At half-past two in the morning the House adjourned. The victory waswith the Opposition. No; not quite that. The effective part of itwas snatched away from them by an unlawful exercise of Presidentialforce--another contribution toward driving the mistreated Minority outof their minds.

  At other sittings of the parliament, gentlemen of the Opposition,shaking their fists toward the President, addressed him as 'Polish Dog'.At one sitting an angry deputy turned upon a colleague and shouted,'----------!'

  You must try to imagine what it was. If I should offer it even in theoriginal it would probably not get by the editor's blue pencil; tooffer a translation would be to waste my ink, of course. This remark wasfrankly printed in its entirety by one of the Vienna dailies, but theothers disguised the toughest half of it with stars.

  If the reader will go back over this chapter and gather its array ofextraordinary epithets into a bunch and examine them, he will marvel attwo things: how this convention of gentlemen could consent to use suchgross terms; and why the users were allowed to get out the place alive.There is no way to understand this strange situation. If every man inthe House were a professional blackguard, and had his home in a sailorboarding-house, one could still not understand it; for, althoughthat sort do use such terms, they never take them. These men are notprofessional blackguards; they are mainly gentlemen, and educated; yetthey use the terms, and take them too. They really seem to attach noconsequence to them. One cannot say that they act like schoolboys; forthat is only almost true, not entirely. Schoolboys blackguard each otherfiercely, and by the hour, and one would think that nothing would evercome of it but noise; but that would be a mistake. Up to a certain limitthe result would be noise only, but, that limit overstepped, troublewould follow right away. There are certain phrases--phrases ofa peculiar character--phrases of the nature of that reference toSchonerer's grandmother, for instance--which not even the mostspiritless schoolboy in the English-speaking world would allow to passunavenged. One difference between schoolboys and the law-makers ofthe Reichsrath seems to be that the law-makers have no limit, nodanger-line. Apparently they may call each other what they please, andgo home unmutilated.

  Now, in fact, they did have a scuffle on two occasions, but it was noton account of names called. There has been no scuffle where that was thecause.

  It is not to be inferred that the House lacks a sense of honour becauseit lacks delicacy. That would be an error. Iro was caught in a lie, andit profoundly disgraced him. The House cut him, turned its back uponhim. He resigned his seat; otherwise he would have been expelled. But itwas lenient with Gregorig, who had called Iro a cowardly blatherskitein debate. It merely went through the form of mildly censuring him. Thatdid not trouble Gregorig.

  The Viennese say of themselves that they are an easy-going,pleasure-loving community, making the best of life, and not taking itvery seriously. Nevertheless, they are grieved about the ways of theirParliament, and say quite frankly that they are ashamed. They claimthat the low condition of the parliament's manners is new, not old.A gentleman who was at the head of the government twenty years agoconfirms this, and says that in his time the parliament was orderly andwell-behaved. An English gentleman of long residence here endorses this,and says that a low order of politicians originated the present forms ofquestionable speech on the stump some years ago, and imported theminto the parliament.(2) However, some day there will be a Minister ofEtiquette and a sergeant-at-arms, and then things will go better. I meanif parliament and the Constitution survive the present storm.

  IV.--THE HISTORIC CLIMAX

  During the whole of November things went from bad to worse. Theall-important Ausgleich remained hard aground, and could not be sparredoff. Badeni's government could not withdraw the Language Ordinance andkeep its majority, and the Opposition could not be placated on easierterms. One night, while the customary pandemonium was crashing andthundering along at its best, a fight broke out. It was a surging,struggling, shoulder-to-shoulder scramble. A great many blowswere struck. Twice Schonerer lifted one of the heavy ministerialfauteuils--some say with one hand--and threatened members of theMajority with it, but it was wrenched away from him; a member hammeredWolf over the head with the President's bell, and another member chokedhim; a professor was flung down and belaboured with fists and choked; heheld up an open penknife as a defence against the blows; it was snatchedfrom him and flung to a distance; it hit a peaceful Christian Socialistwho wasn't doing anything, and brought blood from his hand. This was theonly blood drawn. The men who got hammered and choked looked sound andwell next day. The fists and the bell were not properly handled, orbetter results would have been apparent. I am quite sure that thefighters were not in earnest.

  On Thanksgiving Day the sitting was a history-making one. On that daythe harried, bedevilled, and despairing government went insane. In orderto free itself from the thraldom of the Opposition it committed thiscuriously juvenile crime; it moved an important change of the Rules ofthe House, forbade debate upon the motion, put it to a stand-up voteinstead of ayes and noes, and then gravely claimed that it had beenadopted; whereas, to even the dullest witne
ss--if I without immodestymay pretend to that place--it was plain that nothing legitimately to becalled a vote had been taken at all.

  I think that Saltpeter never uttered a truer thing than when he said,'Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad.' Evidently thegovernment's mind was tottering when this bald insult to the House wasthe best way it could contrive for getting out of the frying-pan.

  The episode would have been funny if the matter at stake had been atrifle; but in the circumstances it was pathetic. The usual storm wasraging in the House. As usual, many of the Majority and the most of theMinority were standing up--to have a better chance to exchange epithetsand make other noises. Into this storm Count Falkenhayn entered, withhis paper in his hand; and at once there was a rush to get near him andhear him read his motion. In a moment he was walled in by listeners. Theseveral clauses of his motion were loudly applauded by these allies,and as loudly disapplauded--if I may invent a word--by such of theOpposition as could hear his voice. When he took his seat the Presidentpromptly put the motion--persons desiring to vote in the affirmative,stand up! The House was already standing up; had been standing for anhour; and before a third of it had found out what the President had beensaying, he had proclaimed the adoption of the motion! And only a fewheard that. In fact, when that House is legislating you can't tell itfrom artillery practice.

  You will realise what a happy idea it was to side-track the lawful ayesand noes and substitute a stand-up vote by this fact: that a littlelater, when a deputation of deputies waited upon the President andasked him if he was actually willing to claim that that measure had beenpassed, he answered, 'Yes--and unanimously.' It shows that in effect thewhole House was on its feet when that trick was sprung.

  The 'Lex Falkenhayn,' thus strangely born, gave the President power tosuspend for three days any deputy who should continue to be disorderlyafter being called to order twice, and it also placed at his disposalsuch force as might be necessary to make the suspension effective. Sothe House had a sergeant-at-arms at last, and a more formidable one, asto power, than any other legislature in Christendom had ever possessed.The Lex Falkenhayn also gave the House itself authority to suspendmembers for thirty days.

  On these terms the Ausgleich could be put through in anhour--apparently. The Opposition would have to sit meek and quiet, andstop obstructing, or be turned into the street, deputy after deputy,leaving the Majority an unvexed field for its work.

  Certainly the thing looked well. The government was out of thefrying-pan at last. It congratulated itself, and was almost girlishlyhappy. Its stock rose suddenly from less than nothing to a premium.It confessed to itself, with pride, that its Lex Falkenhayn was amaster-stroke--a work of genius.

  However, there were doubters--men who were troubled, and believed thata grave mistake had been made. It might be that the Opposition wascrushed, and profitably for the country, too; but the manner of it--themanner of it! That was the serious part. It could have far-reachingresults; results whose gravity might transcend all guessing. It might bethe initial step toward a return to government by force, a restorationof the irresponsible methods of obsolete times.

  There were no vacant seats in the galleries next day. In fact,standing-room outside the building was at a premium. There were crowdsthere, and a glittering array of helmeted and brass-buttoned police, onfoot and on horseback, to keep them from getting too much excited.No one could guess what was going to happen, but every one felt thatsomething was going to happen, and hoped he might have a chance to seeit, or at least get the news of it while it was fresh.

  At noon the House was empty--for I do not count myself. Half an hourlater the two galleries were solidly packed, the floor still empty.Another half-hour later Wolf entered and passed to his place; thenother deputies began to stream in, among them many forms and faces grownfamiliar of late. By one o'clock the membership was present in fullforce. A band of Socialists stood grouped against the ministerial desks,in the shadow of the Presidential tribune. It was observable that theseofficial strongholds were now protected against rushes by bolted gates,and that these were in ward of servants wearing the House's livery.Also the removable desk-boards had been taken away, and nothing left fordisorderly members to slat with.

  There was a pervading, anxious hush--at least what stood very well fora hush in that House. It was believed by many that the Opposition wascowed, and that there would be no more obstruction, no more noise. Thatwas an error.

  Presently the President entered by the distant door to the right,followed by Vice-President Fuchs, and the two took their way down pastthe Polish benches toward the tribune. Instantly the customary storm ofnoises burst out, and rose higher and higher, and wilder and wilder, andreally seemed to surpass anything that had gone before it in that place.The President took his seat and begged for order, but no one couldhear him. His lips moved--one could see that; he bowed his body forwardappealingly, and spread his great hand eloquently over his breast--onecould see that; but as concerned his uttered words, he probably couldnot hear them himself. Below him was that crowd of two dozen Socialistsglaring up at him, shaking their fists at him, roaring imprecationsand insulting epithets at him. This went on for some time. Suddenlythe Socialists burst through the gates and stormed up through theministerial benches, and a man in a red cravat reached up and snatchedthe documents that lay on the President's desk and flung them abroad.The next moment he and his allies were struggling and fighting with thehalf-dozen uniformed servants who were there to protect the new gates.Meantime a detail of Socialists had swarmed up the side steps andoverflowed the President and the Vice, and were crowding and shoulderingand shoving them out of the place. They crowded them out, and down thesteps and across the House, past the Polish benches; and all about themswarmed hostile Poles and Czechs, who resisted them. One could see fistsgo up and come down, with other signs and shows of a heady fight; thenthe President and the Vice disappeared through the door of entrance, andthe victorious Socialists turned and marched back, mounted the tribune,flung the President's bell and his remaining papers abroad, and thenstood there in a compact little crowd, eleven strong, and held the placeas if it were a fortress. Their friends on the floor were in a frenzy oftriumph, and manifested it in their deafening way. The whole House wason its feet, amazed and wondering.

  It was an astonishing situation, and imposingly dramatic. Nobody hadlooked for this. The unexpected had happened. What next? But therecan be no next; the play is over; the grand climax is reached; thepossibilities are exhausted; ring down the curtain.

  Not yet. That distant door opens again. And now we see what history willbe talking of five centuries hence: a uniformed and helmeted battalionof bronzed and stalwart men marching in double file down the floor ofthe House--a free parliament profaned by an invasion of brute force!

  It was an odious spectacle--odious and awful. For one moment it wasan unbelievable thing--a thing beyond all credibility; it must be adelusion, a dream, a nightmare. But no, it was real--pitifully real,shamefully real, hideously real. These sixty policemen had beensoldiers, and they went at their work with the cold unsentimentality oftheir trade. They ascended the steps of the tribune, laid their handsupon the inviolable persons of the representatives of a nation, anddragged and tugged and hauled them down the steps and out at thedoor; then ranged themselves in stately military array in front of theministerial estrade, and so stood.

  It was a tremendous episode. The memory of it will outlast all thethrones that exist to-day. In the whole history of free parliaments thelike of it had been seen but three times before. It takes its imposingplace among the world's unforgettable things. It think that in mylifetime I have not twice seen abiding history made before my eyes, butI know that I have seen it once.

  Some of the results of this wild freak followed instantly. The Badenigovernment came down with a crash; there was a popular outbreak or twoin Vienna; there were three or four days of furious rioting in Prague,followed by the establishing there of martial law; the Jews and Germanswere harr
ied and plundered, and their houses destroyed; in otherBohemian towns there was rioting--in some cases the Germans being therioters, in others the Czechs--and in all cases the Jew had to roast, nomatter which side he was on. We are well along in December now;(3) thenext new Minister-President has not been able to patch up a peace amongthe warring factions of the parliament, therefore there is no use incalling it together again for the present; public opinion believes thatparliamentary government and the Constitution are actually threatenedwith extinction, and that the permanency of the monarchy itself is a notabsolutely certain thing!

  Yes, the Lex Falkenhayn was a great invention, and did what was claimedfor it--it got the government out of the frying-pan.

  (1) That is, revolution.

  (2) 'In that gracious bygone time when a mild and good-tempered spiritwas the atmosphere of our House, when the manner of our speakers wasstudiously formal and academic, and the storms and explosions of to-daywere wholly unknown,' etc.--Translation of the opening remark of aleading article in this morning's 'Neue Freie Presse,' December 1.

  (3) It is the 9th.--M.T.