by Mark Twain
ACT I. SCENE I.
Scene of the play, the parlour of a small private dwelling in a village.(MARGARET discovered crocheting--has a pamphlet.)
MARGARET. (Solus.) Dear, dear! it's dreary enough, to have to study thisimpossible German tongue: to be exiled from home and all human societyexcept a body's sister in order to do it, is just simply abscheulich.Here's only three weeks of the three months gone, and it seems likethree years. I don't believe I can live through it, and I'm sure Anniecan't. (Refers to her book, and rattles through, several times, likeone memorising:) Entschuldigen Sie, mein Herr, konnen Sie mir vielleichtsagen, um wie viel Uhr der erste Zug nach Dresden abgeht? (Makesmistakes and corrects them.) I just hate Meisterschaft! We may seepeople; we can have society; yes, on condition that the conversationshall be in German, and in German only--every single word of it! Verykind--oh, very! when neither Annie nor I can put two words together,except as they are put together for us in Meisterschaft or that idioticOllendorff! (Refers to book, and memorises: Mein Bruder hat IhrenHerrn Vater nicht gesehen, als er gestern in dem Laden des deutschenKaufmannes war.) Yes, we can have society, provided we talk German. Whatwould conversation be like! If you should stick to Meisterschaft,it would change the subject every two minutes; and if you stuck toOllendorff, it would be all about your sister's mother's good stockingof thread, or your grandfather's aunt's good hammer of the carpenter,and who's got it, and there an end. You couldn't keep up your interestin such topics. (Memorising: Wenn irgend moglich--mochte ich noch heuteVormittag Geschaftsfreunde zu treffen.) My mind is made up to one thing:I will be an exile, in spirit and in truth: I will see no one duringthese three months. Father is very ingenious--oh, very! thinks he is,anyway. Thinks he has invented a way to force us to learn to speakGerman. He is a dear good soul, and all that; but invention isn't hisfach'. He will see. (With eloquent energy.) Why, nothing in the worldshall--Bitte, konnen Sie mir vielleicht sagen, ob Herr Schmidt mitdiesem Zuge angekommen ist? Oh, dear, dear George--three weeks! It seemsa whole century since I saw him. I wonder if he suspects that I--thatI--care for him--j-just a wee, wee bit? I believe he does. And I believeWill suspects that Annie cares for him a little, that I do. And I knowperfectly well that they care for us. They agree with all our opinions,no matter what they are; and if they have a prejudice, they change it,as soon as they see how foolish it is. Dear George! at first he justcouldn't abide cats; but now, why now he's just all for cats; he fairlywelters in cats. I never saw such a reform. And it's just so with allhis principles: he hasn't got one that he had before. Ah, if all menwere like him, this world would--(Memorising: Im Gegentheil, mein Herr,dieser Stoff ist sehr billig. Bitte, sehen Sie sich nur die Qualitatan.) Yes, and what did they go to studying German for, if it wasn't aninspiration of the highest and purest sympathy? Any other explanation isnonsense--why, they'd as soon have thought of studying American history.
(Turns her back, buries herself in her pamphlet, first memorising aloud,until Annie enters, then to herself, rocking to and fro, and rapidlymoving her lips, without uttering a sound.)
Enter ANNIE, absorbed in her pamphlet--does not at first see MARGARET.
ANNIE. (Memorising: Er liess mich gestern fruh rufen, und sagte mirdass er einen sehr unangenehmen Brief von Ihrem Lehrer erhalten hatte.Repeats twice aloud, then to herself, briskly moving her lips.)
M. (Still not seeing her sister.) Wie geht es Ihrem HerrnSchwiegervater? Es freut mich sehr dass Ihre Frau Mutter wieder wohlist. (Repeats. Then mouths in silence.)
A. (Repeats her sentence a couple of times aloud; then looks up, workingher lips, and discovers Margaret.) Oh, you here? (Running to her.) Olovey-dovey, dovey-lovey, I've got the gr-reatest news! Guess, guess,guess! You'll never guess in a hundred thousand million years--and more!
M. Oh, tell me, tell me, dearie; don't keep me in agony.
A. Well I will. What--do--you--think? They're here!
M. Wh-a-t! Who? When? Which? Speak!
A. Will and George!
M. Annie Alexandra Victoria Stephenson, what do you mean?
A. As sure as guns!
M. (Spasmodically embracing and kissing her.) 'Sh! don't use suchlanguage. O darling, say it again!
A. As sure as guns!
M. I don't mean that! Tell me again, that--
A. (Springing up and waltzing about the room.) They're here--in thisvery village--to learn German--for three months! Es sollte mich sehrfreuen wenn Sie--
M. (Joining in the dance.) Oh, it's just too lovely for anything!(Unconsciously memorising:) Es ware mir lieb wenn Sie morgen mit mirin die Kirche gehen konnten, aber ich kann selbst nicht gehen, weil ichSonntags gewohnlich krank bin. Juckhe!
A. (Finishing some unconscious memorising.)--morgen Mittag bei mirspeisen konnten. Juckhe! Sit down and I'll tell you all I've heard.(They sit.) They're here, and under that same odious law that fettersus--our tongues, I mean; the metaphor's faulty, but no matter. Theycan go out, and see people, only on condition that they hear and speakGerman, and German only.
M. Isn't--that--too lovely!
A. And they're coming to see us!
M. Darling! (Kissing her.) But are you sure?
A. Sure as guns--Gatling guns!
M. 'Sh! don't, child, it's schrecklich! Darling--you aren't mistaken?
A. As sure as g--batteries! (They jump up and dance a moment--then--)
M. (With distress.) But, Annie dear!--we can't talk German--and neithercan they!
A. (Sorrowfully.) I didn't think of that.
M. How cruel it is! What can we do?
A. (After a reflective pause, resolutely.) Margaret--we've got to.
M. Got to what?
A. Speak German.
M. Why, how, child?
A. (Contemplating her pamphlet with earnestness.) I can tell you onething. Just give me the blessed privilege: just hinsetzen Will Jacksonhere in front of me, and I'll talk German to him as long as thisMeisterschaft holds out to burn.
M. (Joyously.) Oh, what an elegant idea! You certainly have got a mindthat's a mine of resources, if ever anybody had one.
A. I'll skin this Meisterschaft to the last sentence in it!
M. (With a happy idea.) Why Annie, it's the greatest thing in the world.I've been all this time struggling and despairing over these few littleMeisterschaft primers: but as sure as you live, I'll have the wholefifteen by heart before this time day after to-morrow. See if I don't.
A. And so will I; and I'll trowel in a layer of Ollendorff mush betweenevery couple of courses of Meisterschaft bricks. Juckhe!
M. Hoch! hoch! hoch!
A. Stoss an!
M. Juckhe! Wir werden gleich gute deutsche Schulerinnen werden! Juck--
A. --he!
M. Annie, when are they coming to see us? To-night?
A. No.
M. No? Why not? When are they coming? What are they waiting for? Theidea! I never heard of such a thing! What do you--
A. (Breaking in.) Wait, wait, wait! give a body a chance. They havetheir reasons.
M. Reasons?--what reasons?
A. Well, now, when you stop and think, they're royal good ones. They'vegot to talk German when they come, haven't they? Of course. Well, theydon't know any German but Wie befinden Sie sich, and Haben Sie gutgeschlafen, and Vater unser, and Ich trinke lieber Bier als Wasser, anda few little parlour things like that; but when it comes to talking,why, they don't know a hundred and fifteen German words, put them alltogether.
M. Oh, I see.
A. So they're going to neither eat, sleep, smoke, nor speak the truthtill they've crammed home the whole fifteen Meisterschafts auswendig!
M. Noble hearts!
A. They've given themselves till day after to-morrow, half-past 7 P.M.,and then they'll arrive here loaded.
M. Oh, how lovely, how gorgeous, how beautiful! Some think this worldis made of mud; I think it's made of rainbows. (Memorising.) Wenn irgendmoglich, so mochte ich noch heute Vormittag dort ankommen, da es mirsehr daran gelegen ist--Annie, I can learn i
t just like nothing!
A. So can I. Meisterschaft's mere fun--I don't see how it ever couldhave seemed difficult. Come! We can't be disturbed here; let's giveorders that we don't want anything to eat for two days; and are absentto friends, dead to strangers, and not at home even to nougat peddlers--
M. Schon! and we'll lock ourselves into our rooms, and at the end oftwo days, whosoever may ask us a Meisterschaft question shall get aMeisterschaft answer--and hot from the bat!
BOTH. (Reciting in unison.) Ich habe einen Hut fur meinen Sohn, ein PaarHandschuhe fur meinen Bruder, und einen Kamm fur mich selbst gekauft.(Exeunt.)
Enter Mrs. BLUMENTHAL, the Wirthin.
WIRTHIN. (Solus.) Ach, die armen Madchen, sie hassen die deutscheSprache, drum ist es ganz und gar unmoglich dass sie sie je lernenkonnen. Es bricht mir ja mein Herz ihre Kummer uber die Studienanzusehen.... Warum haben sie den Entchluss gefasst in ihren Zimmernein Paar Tagezu bleiben?... Ja--gewiss--das versteht sich; sie sindentmuthigt--arme Kinder!(A knock at the door.) Herein!
Enter GRETCHEN with card.
GR. Er ist schon wieder da, und sagt dass er nur Sie sehen will. (Handsthe card.) Auch-WIRTHIN. Gott im Himmel--der Vater der Madchen? (Putsthe card in her pocket.) Er wunscht die Tochter nicht zu treffen? Ganzrecht; also, Du schweigst.
GR. Zu Befehl. WIRTHIN. Lass ihn hereinkommen.
GR. Ja, Frau Wirthin! (Exit GRETCHEN.)
WIRTHIN. (Solus.) Ah--jetzt muss ich ihm die Wahrheit offenbaren.
Enter Mr. STEPHENSON.
STEPHENSON. Good-morning, Mrs. Blumenthal--keep your seat, keep yourseat, please. I'm only here for a moment--merely to get your report,you know. (Seating himself.) Don't want to see the girls--poor things,they'd want to go home with me. I'm afraid I couldn't have the heart tosay no. How's the German getting along?
WIRTHIN. N-not very well; I was afraid you would ask me that. You see,they hate it, they don't take the least interest in it, and there isn'tanything to incite them to an interest, you see. And so they can't talkat all.
S. M-m. That's bad. I had an idea that they'd get lonesome, and have toseek society; and then, of course, my plan would work, considering thecast-iron conditions of it.
WIRTHIN. But it hasn't, so far. I've thrown nice company in theirway--I've done my very best, in every way I could think of--but it's nouse; they won't go out, and they won't receive anybody. And a body can'tblame them; they'd be tongue-tied--couldn't do anything with a Germanconversation. Now, when I started to learn German--such poor German asI know--the case was very different: my intended was a German. I wasto live among Germans the rest of my life; and so I had to learn. Why,bless my heart! I nearly lost the man the first time he asked me--Ithought he was talking about the measles. They were very prevalentat the time. Told him I didn't want any in mine. But I found out themistake, and I was fixed for him next time.... Oh yes, Mr. Stephenson, asweetheart's a prime incentive.
S. (Aside.) Good soul! she doesn't suspect that my plan is a doublescheme--includes a speaking knowledge of German, which I am boundthey shall have, and the keeping them away from those two youngfellows--though if I had known that those boys were going off for ayear's foreign travel, I--however, the girls would never learn thatlanguage at home; they're here, and I won't relent--they've got to stickthe three months out. (Aloud.) So they are making poor progress? Nowtell me--will they learn it--after a sort of fashion, I mean--in threemonths?
WIRTHIN. Well, now, I'll tell you the only chance I see. Do what I will,they won't answer my German with anything but English; if that goes on,they'll stand stock-still. Now I'm willing to do this: I'll straighteneverything up, get matters in smooth running order, and day afterto-morrow I'll go to bed sick, and stay sick three weeks.
S. Good! You are an angel? I see your idea. The servant girl--
WIRTHIN. That's it; that's my project. She doesn't know a word ofEnglish. And Gretchen's a real good soul, and can talk the slates off aroof. Her tongue's just a flutter-mill. I'll keep my room--just ailing alittle--and they'll never see my face except when they pay their littleduty-visits to me, and then I'll say English disorders my mind. They'llbe shut up with Gretchen's windmill, and she'll just grind them topowder. Oh, they'll get a start in the language--sort of a one, sure'syou live. You come back in three weeks.
S. Bless you, my Retterin! I'll be here to the day! Get ye to yoursick-room--you shall have treble pay. (Looking at watch.) Good! I canjust catch my train. Leben Sie wohl! (Exit.)
WIRTHIN. Leben Sie wohl! mein Herr!