by Jessica Jung
I want to say all this to Jason, but something holds me back. Saying those words feels like heading down a path I wouldn’t be able to turn back from. A path that would jeopardize everything I’ve been working toward for the past six years. My life with DB might not be perfect, especially now, but it’s still my life. My family’s life. And I can’t turn my back on that. On everything they’ve given up for me. On everything I’ve wished for myself. Not yet.
“Your mother may have liked me, but what about your father?” I say lightheartedly, steering us back into joking territory. “I hope my impression is good enough to woo the whole family.”
He laughs, but a strained look flashes across his face for the briefest of seconds. “He’s a little harder to win over, but if anyone could do it, it would be you.” His face softens again. “Rachel. I have to tell you something. I think—” He pauses, shaking his head and straightening the collar of his shirt. “I think… I mean, do you—”
Suddenly, Leah wakes up, yawning and stretching her arms across my body. “Unni, are we there yet?”
“Not yet,” I say, grateful for the interruption. Whatever Jason was about to ask me, I know I’m not ready to answer it right now. “Keep sleeping.”
She dozes back off, and I glance at Jason and smile. “We should get some rest too. Long day.”
“Right.” He gives me a half smile back. “Well, rest well.”
I can see disappointment mixing with some other feeling I can’t quite pinpoint in his eyes. I turn my body away from Jason, half hoping he’ll grab my hand and ask the question that he was going to before Leah interrupted us—but he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything for the rest of the trip.
Fourteen
Kakao!
My phone pings with a message from Leah: Break a leg! followed by a whole cast of Kakao characters waving flags in the air.
I grin and send her a selfie of me sitting in the dressing room backstage, my hair sleek and shiny with hair spray. The room is buzzing as stylists, wardrobe fitters, and trainers rush around, preparing for DB’s summer pop-up concert, featuring Electric Flower. It’s also where Mina, Jason, and I will be filming the live music video for our single. It’s hot in the crowded dressing room, but my skin prickles with goose bumps. When Yujin first told me we were going to film a music video, I didn’t realize it would be a live recording. That means if I screw up, it will live forever on the internet. No retakes. No do-overs. I swallow. Nope. I’m not going to screw up. I won’t let myself.
But maybe I could use a little luck.
“Just about done.” The hairdresser smiles at me in the mirror as she pins my floral headpiece into place. “Nervous for your performance?”
“No.” I laugh. “Yes. Maybe a little?”
She smiles at me. “I’m sure you’ll be great. You’re singing with Jason Lee, after all! You’re so lucky.”
I gulp. “Um, right. Actually, would you somehow be able to add this to my hair?” I slip a sparkly red scrunchie from around my wrist and hold it up to the hairdresser. “It’s kind of a good-luck charm.”
I feel ridiculous saying it, but the hairdresser laughs, amused. “I think I can fit it into your updo.”
Juhyun and Hyeri got me the scrunchie this past week in Myeong-dong. We were walking through the bustling streets, sandwiched between hundreds of shops and street-food vendors. Juhyun was on a mission for the perfect hair accessory that would put her YouTube following to over three million.
“I still can’t believe Jason flew you and Leah out to Tokyo on a private plane,” Juhyun said, shaking her head. “That is some next-level courting.”
“It wasn’t courting,” I said, flushing. “It was self-care.”
“How long are you going to sseom ta with him?” Hyeri asked, eating a twisty green-and-white ice-cream cone the length of her arm. “There’s no point in denying that you guys have chemistry.”
“It’s not like that,” I insisted. But even I know I’m not telling her the whole truth. Ever since our flight back from Tokyo, I can’t stop thinking about Jason. I’ve gone through four bonsai trees in botany class, and Juhyun insists on being my doubles partner in gym every day, which really means I stand there while she runs around the court hitting every single ball. I’ve been so preoccupied. To be honest, even when I’m thinking about Jason, I’m not really thinking about Jason.
I’m thinking about Kang Jina.
More specifically, I’m thinking about everything she said to me in Jeju. Having a boyfriend isn’t just difficult; it’s dangerous. No one ever proved that Suzy Choi was cut from the program because she had a boyfriend. (In fact, just last week some newbie trainee whose mom works in the DB admin office swore that Suzy was cut because of a botched eyelid surgery). And then there’s Song Gyumin. I mean, Jina was holding hands with him. In public! So how exactly is having a boyfriend so “dangerous”? It’s not that I don’t believe her. Or that I do. But… I just don’t know what to think. And even if I did, I still wouldn’t know how I felt about Jason. And even if I knew how I felt about Jason, I still wouldn’t know what to do about it. How could a cute boy who loves Leah and says it feels good to be around me be a “danger”? But how could I risk my entire career—my whole future as a K-pop singer—on a boy?
Basically, everything is a mess.
“I shouldn’t even be thinking about this,” I said, waving my hands at the twins. “The music-video performance is coming up this weekend, and I’m freaking out. Do you know how many cameras are going to be on me at once?”
Juhyun paused, plucking up a sparkly red scrunchie off a rack in the accessory store we were in. “Here. A good-luck charm, from us to you.”
She slipped it around my wrist while Hyeri fished out her wallet. She winked at me as she paid. “We better see you working it onstage!”
I look at the scrunchie in my hair now. It actually looks pretty good with the rest of my outfit. It matches my lipstick perfectly and adds a pop of color to my checkered pants and black crop top. I’m K-pop meets the Queen of Hearts.
I snap another selfie, tilting my head to show off the scrunchie, and send it to the twins. I send the photo to Akari too, typing, Almost ready for the stage! With a little gift from the Cho twins. What do you think?
All the trainees are required to be at the concert, but I haven’t seen Akari yet. In fact, I haven’t seen her at all since I got home from Tokyo. It feels weird to go so many days without talking—and even weirder that she doesn’t know I went to Japan for the first time last week.
I look at my phone and see the read receipts notification on the Kakao message, but Akari’s reply doesn’t come. I sigh, chewing on my lower lip. Maybe she’s mad at me for not making more time for her lately. I’ll have to make it up to her in some way.
“Rachel, this just came for you.” Mr. Han appears by my side, holding a pink cardboard box tied with a glittery ribbon. He smiles knowingly. “Someone had it delivered to the dressing room.”
For me?
I take the box, curiously untying the ribbon and opening the lid. Inside, a row of pale-pink frosted doughnuts in the shape of letters spells out GOOD LUCK, with an extra heart-shaped doughnut at the end.
A bubble of laughter bursts from my lips. Jason. The promposal. I can’t believe he remembered.
“Who’s that from?”
I clutch it closer to me as Mina peers over.
“I don’t know,” I lie.
She narrows her eyes suspiciously. A few of the trainers and execs are also staring at me with questioning looks. Jaehyun, our dance trainer, raises his eyebrows and says, “That’s cute, Rachel.” He comes over and peers inside the box. “Is that a… heart?”
For the millionth time in the last few weeks, Kang Jina’s words spring to my mind. Despite all the conflicting thoughts swimming around my brain, a nervous pit starts to form in the bottom of my stomach. I’m about to go onstage and sing with Jason. I’m about to make a music video with Korea’s most popular K-pop star. Now
is not the time to give any of the trainers—or anyone at DB—a reason to doubt me. Not when I’m so close to my goal. The goose bumps on my skin fade away, replaced by a deep flush that stretches from my face down to my feet.
Shit, shit, shit. What do I say?
“They’re from me,” a voice says. I turn my head to see Akari walk into the room, a breezy smile on her face. “A good-luck present for my best friend.”
The execs and trainers relax, their smiles brightening and the suspicion fading from their faces. Mina shrugs and turns away. I look to Akari gratefully, rushing over and wrapping her in a hug.
“Akari, it’s so good to see you! I’ve missed you!”
“It’s so good to see you too. It feels like it’s been forever.” She hugs me tight and then steps back, a curious tilt to her smile. Nodding to the doughnut box, she lowers her voice. “So who’s it really from?” she asks.
I hesitate, caught off guard by her question. “I’m, um, not too sure,” I stumble to answer.
I’m still not ready to talk about Jason out loud. Not until I can untangle this knot of emotions inside of me, which only seems to become more tangled every time I think about him.
“Got it,” she says. There’s an awkward beat between us. Her arms hang by her sides and she touches her elbow, looking away. Then she looks back at me and smiles, her tone light again. “There’s a card,” she says, pointing to the box. “Maybe that’ll solve the mystery.” Her fingers move as if to take it, but I grab it quickly, clutching it in my hand. My fingers shake a little as I open it. There’s no signature, only a short message: Meet me backstage.
He wants to see me. Here, right now. My stomach flips into my heart, and I know I want to see him too.
“Sorry, Akari, I just have to… check on Leah real quick,” I say, flashing her an apologetic smile. Her own smile fades, and I feel a stab of guilt as I rush out of the dressing room. One more thing to make up to her.
Electric Flower is starting their performance as I run across backstage. From behind the curtain, I catch glimpses of the crowd waving glowsticks in the air with Leah right up front, singing along and recording everything on her phone. I see Kang Jina, center stage, looking flawless in a metallic blue jumpsuit. Her words from Jeju start to bubble up again, but I push them back down.
And then I see him. Jason.
He’s standing in a secluded corner backstage, watching the performance. He’s dressed in his costume, relaxed black joggers, paired with a perfectly fitted, light-gray sweatshirt. As if sensing me, he turns his head just as I approach him. He smiles, and there’s a nervousness in his face that I’ve never seen before.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hi.” He bounces his fists against each other, looking down at the ground and then back up at me with a shy smile. “Did you like the present?”
My heart swells at his uncertainty. Inside I’m screaming, Yes! But instead, I just nod. “I did. I loved it.”
His face lights up. “I’m glad.” He takes a deep breath and steps forward, lightly touching my hand. When I don’t pull away, he slips his fingers through mine, pressing our palms together. “Listen. I don’t want to pressure you if you’re not ready to talk about this. About us. On the plane, it just seemed like… like you knew what I wanted to say but you didn’t want me to say it.”
In that moment, with his skin touching mine, I can almost feel my worries melting away. I want so badly to choose him. For a moment it seems possible, as all the threads in my mind start to untangle, but instead of making my choice easier, they’re pulling in opposite directions and I don’t know which way to follow. I glance toward the stage, at Kang Jina and Electric Flower, out at the audience to Leah, and then back at Jason. For the last six years, being a K-pop star is all I’ve dreamed of. All I’ve wanted.
But what if that isn’t enough anymore? What if the endless hours of training and sacrifice, the tired bags under Appa’s eyes, the strain in Umma’s voice, the sad look on Leah’s face just aren’t worth it? What if I need more from life than a stage and a song? I look at Jason and I know. “You’re right. I wasn’t ready then. But I am now.” My voice is raw. He squeezes my hands, unfiltered hope shining out of his eyes. “I want to take a chance with you.”
And yet. I pull away as Electric Flower launches into their most popular single of the year, “Starlight River.” I might be ready to take a risk by dating Jason, but I’m definitely not ready to do it publicly. “Just… not here, not with all these people around.”
He takes a step forward, closing the gap between us. He’s so close, I can feel his chest rising and falling with each ragged breath. “What are you afraid of?”
All of a sudden, everything goes dark as a giant black cover floats down over the stadium, enveloping the whole place in an inky nightfall. LED starlight explodes across the cover as Electric Flower continues to sing onstage. The audience lets out a collective gasp, waving their glowsticks in wonder as the entire stadium is blanketed in pinpricks of sweeping light.
Jason doesn’t take his eyes off me. And other than the faint touch of starlight on his cheekbones, we’re cloaked in darkness where we stand. He cups one hand gently against my face, and I let my eyes close as I lean in.
I feel his lips press softly against mine. Warmth floods through my entire body as he moves his hand to the back of my neck, sparking in my stomach and out to my fingertips.
If I thought singing with him was magic, this is something else entirely.
My breath hitches as his hands slide down to my waist, pulling me in closer, and I wrap my arms around his neck. His lips part, and the scent of him pins itself to my heart as I open my mouth to breathe him in. Maple and mint.
I barely register the sound of the audience screaming with applause as Electric Flower ends their set. The starlight cover lifts and daylight streams back into the stadium. I pull away from Jason just as the light floods the space between us. He looks as dazzled as I feel.
“We’re up next,” I whisper.
“Right,” he says, his voice raspy.
“There you two are!” We both turn to see Mina marching toward us, her stilettos clicking rapidly against the stage floor. “Come on, come on, let’s get ready.”
My lips still tingling as I hurry to join Mina, I turn my focus to the performance, but my mind is lingering on that kiss.
The kiss. Holy shit. I just kissed Jason.
The MC’s voice booms out across the stadium. “Introducing the first-ever performance of their new single, ‘Summer Heat,’ please welcome Jason Lee with Rachel Kim and Choo Mina!” I can hear Leah from her front-row seat, cheering and applauding along with the rest of the audience. Mina saunters out, basking in their adoration, and I’m about to follow when I feel a hand on mine. I turn to the side, and Jason smiles at me, giving my fingers a squeeze. I squeeze back and quickly drop his grip as the two of us walk out onto the sunlit stage.
In this moment, I feel like I could face a thousand cameras.
Fifteen
For most families, summer in Korea means swan boating in the Han River, fireworks at Haeundae Beach in Busan, and watching the parade of lanterns on Buddha’s birthday. But for my family it means one thing: naengmyeon.
Four bowls of the ice-cold noodles are spread across our table, each one topped with thin slices of pear, cucumber, beef, and half a hard-boiled egg, except for mine, which is cucumber-free. Umma rings the buzzer on our table to ask the waiter for extra pear slices for Leah like she always does. Appa fishes out the excess ice shavings floating in his broth and plops them in my bowl like he always does. All that ice makes his teeth chatter, while I like mine extra-chilled.
“Rachel, you’ve been glowing lately,” Appa says, beaming at me from across the table.
“I’m not surprised. Her performance last week was amazing,” Leah says. She squeezes an extra shot of vinegar into her bowl before slurping up a huge helping of noodles. “It was the highlight of the whole concert! And I’m not just saying
that because we’re sisters. Unni was born to be onstage.”
I grin. “Thanks, Leah.”
Umma says nothing as she jabs at her naengmyeon with a pair of scissors. Truthfully, she’s barely said a word to me since that day Mina sent her the video of me drunk at the trainee house. A small lump forms in my throat when I think of Leah bursting into our apartment after the concert, screaming about how amazing it all was—how we hit every note, every step, and had the entire stadium on their feet clapping along. But Umma didn’t even smile or say congratulations. She just looked at me and said, “I imagine DB will be announcing the Family Tour any day now.”
I swallow hard, forcing down a bite of egg.
Just then, my phone buzzes, and I peek at the screen under the table.
Hey, are you tired? ’Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day. A gif of an exploding heart pops up next to the message.
I snort. It turns out, unsurprisingly really, that Jason is the prince of cheesy pickup lines. He sends me ridiculous texts like this at least three times a day, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it.
Appa raises his eyebrows. “Everything okay, Rachel? You’re smiling like you won the lottery.”
“It’s nothing,” I say. But he’s right. My smile is so big my cheeks hurt. I tuck my phone away and try to focus on my family. It’s been a while since Appa’s come home early enough to eat dinner with us. Between late nights at the gym followed by even later nights studying, the dark bags under his eyes have reached ultimate panda level. I can tell Umma is worried about him by the way her eyebrows pinch together every time she glances over between bites of naengmyeon. Like she wants to make sure he hasn’t floated away in the middle of the meal.
As tired and stressed as they are, they’re both smiling and nodding along at Leah, who has somehow mastered the skill of carrying on a conversation without missing a beat while simultaneously scrolling through her phone, liking Instagram photos and reading her favorite K-pop gossip blogs. It’s disturbingly impressive.