by Lauren Mansy
Instead, Madame grabs my arm, her grip as hard as steel around my wrist. “No tattoo. Are you a Shadow, little traitor?” When I don’t answer, she yanks me toward her, glancing between my mother and me. “You look just like her.” She lets out a laugh before whispering near my ear, “You will not die today. I have big plans for you.”
Penn twists from the Minder’s grip, swipes a pair of scissors off the table, and plunges them into Madame’s back.
With a shriek, Madame lets go, and I jerk away.
I search for pain within my memories, grab the wrist of the closest Minder, and shoot them into his consciousness. It’s strong enough to overpower him for a few seconds until he gets the upper hand.
He pushes his own memories of the event that scarred his face into me.
The searing pain of fire climbs up my neck. Screaming, I claw at my throat, trying to extinguish flames that aren’t real.
My sight blurs as I force my way back into his mind. There are visions of torture, murder, and auctions. Rage consumes me as I steal them all. But that’s not all I’m after.
I snatch the skill I’ve wanted ever since joining the Shadows—a soldier’s fighting talent. My veins tingle with satisfying warmth as the Minder’s years of sparring practice dissolves into my every muscle. I’ve mastered an intricate, lethal dance.
As a Minder drags Penn out the door, I grab my knife and throw it as hard as I can at the soldier’s back.
But he spins so quickly that the blade sinks into Penn’s stomach instead.
Blood seeps from the corner of Penn’s mouth and the look in his eyes is louder than any scream.
I hear and see nothing except for Madame, her eyes glowing as she twists her head back to me. Her smile only confirms that she manipulated their thoughts. That Minder moved too fast while Penn looked as if he was paralyzed.
Still, I was the one who threw the knife.
Bolting toward him, I shove the Minder’s hands off Penn’s body. I plead with Penn to stay with me as his head falls into my lap. His eyes flutter open as a crimson stain spreads across his shirt. I trace his face, his skin barely tingling beneath my fingertips.
“I’m sorry,” I say between sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
“Jules, stop,” he whispers. “I love you.”
My tears splash onto his face. “And I love you. Always have, always will.”
“Never forget me . . . then I’ll always be with you.”
I cry out as Penn draws his last breath. Light flashes behind my eyes. Searing hot pain slices through my head. When a hand latches onto my shoulder, I promise myself I won’t lose another person I love today.
Grabbing her arm, I release the Minder’s violent memories into this soldier. I can’t see her face clearly through my tears as I gather every painful memory that I own and shove them into my enemy.
I look down when the Minder falls.
Except it isn’t a Minder.
Blood drips from my mother’s nose. Her bottom lip quivers as she flinches, her chest rising and falling, before going still.
“Mother!” I scream, but her eyes are already turning gray. In a rush, I read her mind, trying to remove every trace of violence from her memories. But I do it too fast.
Her eyes roll back into her head as she loses consciousness.
As Madame’s smile grows, I know what she’s thinking. She didn’t need to destroy the people I love.
I did it all by myself.
I come back to the present with a shudder.
“None of this would’ve happened if I wasn’t a thief. Greer had rules about never stealing memories just to benefit ourselves, but I didn’t care. Once I stole that fighting skill, all I wanted to do was fight. I was blinded by it and look where it got me? My best friend is dead, and my mother is in a coma,” I say, fighting back a sob. “And Bray lied to Reid about Penn’s death. He’s been searching for his brother for years. Years! And Reid has no idea I knew him, let alone . . . oh, Porter, what have I done?”
He pulls me closer, letting me cry. It’s a while before I stop, but as he strokes my hair and tells me we’ll get through this, I begin to believe him.
“I don’t know how to tell Reid the truth,” I say, resting my head against his chest.
“Nor do I, Julietta. But is living with the lie any easier? It’s clear how much you care for him, but perhaps even clearer how much Reid cares for you,” he says softly.
“I wish I was the girl he thinks I am,” I whisper.
“What makes you so sure you’re not?” Porter lifts my chin with a gentle hand, and I meet his eyes. “The past is a curious thing, isn’t it? It’s much like these gardens. Once thoughts are planted, they often won’t stop growing, especially the things we most regret. That’s why we have to cling to the good memories, Julietta. They’re what give us springtime in winter. But perhaps there are weeds you need to uproot to let the flowers grow.”
His words do little to comfort me. “I don’t see many flowers.”
“Then you need a better gardener. You don’t see the goodness that the rest of us do.”
“You’re right. I don’t see much goodness in this life.”
“No, my dear, I meant the goodness the rest of us see in you. If I dwelt on my regrets, I wouldn’t have the strength to get out of bed every morning. We can’t forget what we’ve done, but it’s what we do with those regrets that mold us. We’re given a past to learn from and grow, but sometimes the greatest mistake can change a future for the better. And the girl I see sitting before me may have weaknesses but she isn’t weak. There’s quite a difference.” His features soften a bit. “Harness your past and use it for good, Julietta. What is a life without love, or hope and joy? You must live for something higher than yourself. It’s who we chose to live for that defines us.”
Penn’s face, bloodied and bruised, haunts me. Who knows what will become of my mother and Greer, or even of Porter and Felix when we go up against Madame.
“What if I lose everyone I love?” I ask.
“Then you must open your heart again. Love isn’t always a feeling but a choice, seeking the good of another without expecting anything in return.”
His words fill me with an emotion I’ve so easily forgotten—hope. It’s odd to remember how I worried about having his thoughts in my head, terrified they’d prompt me toward evil instead of good. Now I want nothing more than for his way of life to rub off on me.
“Reid deserves to know the truth,” I say.
Porter touches my cheek. “Remember, Julietta, always do what is right. The rest will fall into place.”
I pace throughout Porter’s gardens as I wait for Reid to return from meeting with Felix.
The lanterns strung along the pathways are lit at dusk, the flames flickering in the soft wind. I didn’t think it was possible, but it’s almost prettier this way. If only I could enjoy it.
Why Bray kept this secret isn’t hard to figure out. Reid has been working for him for years, a Sifter capable of collecting more information than any other Shadow. But Bray must’ve known there was a ticking clock on their alliance when he made Reid and me partners. Once he chose to introduce us, Penn’s death could’ve been revealed at any time.
I collapse on a bench and drop my head into my hands.
Though Bray probably questioned if I’d admit to Reid that I killed his brother, something deep inside tells me Bray already calculated the risk of the truth coming out. And still, he bet everything on the fact that Reid wouldn’t seek revenge on me even when it did. This strikes me hard and deep. If he trusts Reid this much, Reid must be as good a guy as he seems.
At the sound of footsteps, I lift my head.
“The Woodland Minders are incredible, Etta. Well-trained, well-armed, and prepared,” Reid says, the gold flecks in his eyes shining brighter than ever as he sits beside me. “I only wish there were a thousand more.”
“A thousand more, yes,” I whisper.
“But if this army aligns with the Shadows, I think we have
a shot at winning this war.” He digs into his pocket and hands me a vial of purple oil. “Gifts from Felix. A healing compound for you, with specific instructions. Drink it for the mind. Rub it on scrapes and bruises.”
Clutching the vial, I stare at the leather pouch he holds up.
“Blinding powder to use against other Sifters. What good is our Gift if we can’t see? Your grandfather is a genius. You won’t believe all of his inventions . . .”
As Reid rattles on, all I can focus on is the way his hand keeps reaching toward mine.
I close my eyes. A few tears escape down my cheeks. When I imagine telling him I killed his brother, the courage he instilled in me throughout our journey vanishes. I’m back in Blare with Penn’s blood on my hands as the Minders drag my mother’s limp body out of our cottage. I’m seconds from striking a deal with Madame. I’m weak, ashamed, and terrified. No different than I feel right now.
“I should find the Maze alone,” I blurt out, cutting him off. “You can stay in Aravid.”
“Stay in Aravid?” Reid looks confused, and I don’t blame him. “Why would I do that?”
“I don’t want to have to worry about you too. Porter can send guards with me to the Maze.” I hate the way I sound. Childish and arrogant and selfish. “I don’t need you anymore.”
For a few seconds, he doesn’t say anything, just stares at me like I’m insane. Then he sighs and gets on his feet. “Not this again.”
“Not what again?” I snap.
He rubs his hand down his face. “I thought we were past this whole ‘I don’t need anyone’ act. Just tell me what’s wrong. Look at me, Etta.”
I raise my head slightly.
Reid groans and throws his hands in the air. “Where is this coming from? You can tell me, you know. Anything.”
Not anything, I want to scream. “I don’t need you weighing me down.”
“Weighing you down?” His eyes flash. “You need my help.”
“No!” I point to myself. “You’ve always needed my help to find your brother.”
A muscle in his jaw jerks. “I know why you’re doing this.”
I stand and rush toward him. “If you only knew what I did, Reid,” I say, but he doesn’t move away. “I want to believe I’ve changed! That I would never betray anyone again after what I did to Greer, but I’m exactly the same.”
“Not true.” He draws closer, and I step back. “You haven’t betrayed me.”
His words are so soft and kind, and it’s the worst thing he could’ve said. “Run as far away from me as you can,” I say.
“I’m not the one running. Don’t you understand why you’re doing this?”
“If you have all the answers, then just tell me!” I cried.
Before I can turn away, Reid cups my face in his hands.
I order myself to run, to find a way to forget the past three days ever happened. But I draw closer as he leans in, pressing his lips against mine. Our kiss is so light, so soft, that when he pulls back, I wonder if it happened, but my lips gently tingle. Reid’s mind was open to me. How much does he trust me to do that?
He rests his forehead on mine. “If you admit you care about me, I’m one more person you’re afraid to lose. You’re terrified, but you keep coming closer. There’s no reason to pull away.”
In this moment, I want nothing more than to fade into him. To lean my head against his chest and let him hold me, but there’s every reason to pull away. I can’t let him risk his life to protect me without knowing the truth.
As difficult as it is to leave Reid, I return to the bench, afraid if I don’t give my fingers something to hold, I’ll flee. He’s become a part of my past. Another goodbye.
“Be honest with me, Etta. Please,” he says, sitting beside me.
Taking in a breath, I push my panic down. “When I left the Shadows, I didn’t realize he’d followed me until we hit the outskirts of Blare—”
“Who? Bray?”
“No . . . my partner.” I meet Reid’s stare, knowing this is the last time he’ll look at me as his friend. “Penn.”
His lips part slightly. “Penn?”
I hear so much in his brother’s name—shock, sadness, regret, confusion. Admitting I knew Penn hits me so hard that I can only imagine how Reid is feeling. “Penn told me he had an older brother, but Greer didn’t let us use names whenever we spoke of our families in case one of us was ever read by the Minders,” I whisper. “When they attacked us in Blare, I . . . I couldn’t save him.”
“No.” His voice breaks. “He’s in the Maze. Penn is—”
I shake my head.
“But he was Ungifted. He couldn’t have been a Shadow!”
“He must’ve discovered his Gift after you left the Tribes.” Tears spill down my face as I slip off my bracelet and place it between us, the embossed P exposed. “Penn was my best friend.”
Instinctively, I put my hand on his forearm and feel a rush of energy leave my body.
Reid stands so quickly that I recoil. His face changes from disbelief, to rage, to sorrow when tears flood his eyes.
My skin tingles with the warmth of using my Gift, and I’m shaking as I realize I’ve accidentally given him a memory. I frantically sift through my thoughts for whatever was at the forefront of my mind when Reid says, “You . . . you killed him. Your mother’s coma . . . my brother . . . oh, Etta, what have you done?” he cries. “He was only trying to protect you!”
“I didn’t mean to give you that. I didn’t mean to,” I say, my words rushing out as the images of Penn’s death fill my mind. I cry out when I realize I’ve given Reid the memory and yet, I still have it too.
A deep, powerful ache blooms in my chest as I watch him reliving my memory, the emotions I felt the day Penn died flooding him so rapidly that he covers his face with his forearm, his shoulders heaving up and down.
“I’m so sorry,” I say between sobs. “I wish I’d died instead of him.”
When he lifts his head, I can tell by his expression that Reid now sees me for what I truly am—his brother’s killer. His eyes are bloodshot as he draws so close that I lean back.
Reid puts his finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “This journey was never about saving your mother’s life.” His whisper is rough and deep, the gold flecks in his eyes like glowing embers. “It was about making sure you aren’t her murderer too.”
As he walks away, I call out his name until he disappears out of the gardens. Once he’s gone I stop trying to be strong. Stop pretending things will be made right. Anger comes first, a sickening wave of fury. I scream and clutch Penn’s bracelet in my fist. Then I bury my face in my hands and cry.
CHAPTER
16
Commander Averett and I leave Aravid as soon as the sun sets. My eyelids are heavy, and my body aches from all this traveling, but with only two days until the auction, there’s no time to slow down.
Saying goodbye to Porter and Felix was more difficult than I imagined. Having only just met them, the deep worry I felt in knowing they’d soon be in battle had surprised me. They’ve stamped themselves on my heart.
After observing the Woodland Minders and spending what little time we found together, I’m confident they have a chance at taking over Craewick. If Bray sides with them, maybe we really can turn these odds against Madame. But we all know our greatest hope still lies with Greer.
“This map is meant for a Sifter’s mind,” Porter had warned before we set out. “There’s a lot of energy attached.”
I’d nodded. Sifters don’t get headaches and fevers, their minds capable of holding more energy than ours, but I’ve always been able to handle large amounts of foreign memories without feeling ill. When I mentioned this to Porter, he said, “Hmm. Well, you do have quite a few Sifters in your ancestry,” before I clasped his hand.
Staring at the map spread across my desk, I smile at the intricacies of my design. I scan over every detail, chart every course from each Realm straight to its entrance. I
t’s well-hidden, marvelously constructed. A work unrivaled by any Sifter before me and perhaps any after.
I shut my eyes, making certain the memory is engrained upon my mind.
Then I roll up the map, throw it into the fire, and watch it burn.
Blinking, I pulled out of Porter’s consciousness, bracing myself for the side effects that should inevitably come from holding this memory. There was no pulsing behind my eyelids. No blurred vision or a headache.
“I have it,” I told him, sensing how proud he was of designing the Maze. Pride swelled up inside me too as the memory manipulated my emotions. “And I feel fine.”
“Good. You must be quick to find it, my dear. I have no doubt Madame’s scouts are watching Aravid, but the darkness should help keep you hidden. And Commander Averett, of course, will keep you safe.” Porter gave me a tired smile and held my shaking hands. “Remember, child, being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid of anything. Just that fear doesn’t stop you from fighting for something you believe in.”
I rose up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek.
Commander Averett and I take the underground tunnels to a set of stone stairs leading up into the forest. With the shortcuts Felix suggested, we should reach the Mines by tomorrow afternoon at the latest, but my heart aches as I imagine returning without Reid.
Moonlight peeks through the pines, bathing the woodlands in a shimmery light. In the still of the forest, my memories speak to me once again. They sneer and bite like Madame’s bloodthirsty hounds.
Over and over again, I hear Joss’s pleas not to leave the Shadows. I see Cade frantically searching the tunnels of the Mines, looking for me. I feel Penn’s lifeless hand within mine.
Then I imagine Reid’s face when I gave him the memory of his brother’s death.
As the sun rises above the treetops, our path ends at a nest of boulders. Behind it is a wall of smooth gray rock rising up as far as I can see. We can go right or left, and I know from Reid’s memory of the Mines’ location that it’s a left.
Commander Averett puts her hand on my arm. “Let’s rest, Julietta. Your face is flushed, and you can barely put one foot in front of the other. The map could be playing with your mind.”