The both of us nod, completely understanding and not wanting to put the baby in harm’s way.
I step up to the window and when I see her I can’t believe how tiny she is. It’s almost hard to make out her body with all of the huge machines and the tubes surrounding her.
Seeing this miracle make it through today is like a shred of hope that maybe things will be okay.
Maybe we can pull through this and make ourselves whole again.
Maybe we have a chance.
Chapter Eighteen
Tracie
It’s been six days since our world exploded.
Since we lost people who meant everything to us.
In total there were five deaths that day.
Two of our newest prospects.
Whip’s mom.
Lily.
Shooter.
Losing Shooter was like losing my dad all over again.
Losing Lily shattered every single one of us. She was an innocent in our world. Someone who this violence never should have touched. She’s our angel.
Today we are attending their funerals.
They are all being buried at the same cemetery and the services are one after another. All of them are done, except for Lily’s. We are all walking to her site now and no one is saying a word. Knowing this would be the hardest for most of us, we saved it for last.
I hear someone cry out and look over to see Nikki on the ground. The sounds of her sobs are cutting through my chest. Twisted bends down picking her up and carrying her toward the site. My eyes burn from the tears I’ve already shed today. My feet don’t want to carry me anymore, they just want this day and this nightmare to be over.
As people start to fill in the white folding chairs, Torch and I take a seat in the front row next to Whip. Lucy is still in the hospital. She had a hard time in surgery and won’t be released for at least another couple days. Twisted sets Nikki down next to Whip before sitting down himself. I have never seen a man so strong in my life.
The pastor clears his throat and stands in front of the smallest casket I have ever seen. The sheer size of it brings more tears to my eyes because it looks so unnatural. Caskets are not meant to be that small because no one should ever have to bury a child.
“Death reminds us that we live in an imperfect world. . . we are constantly reminded of mankind’s many failings, limitations, and flaws. Anytime we stand at the graveside, we are reminded of the shadow that has been cast over humanity because of Adam’s sin. Paul said in Romans, chapter five, verse twelve, that ‘through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men . . .’ The universal nature of mankind’s problem is further expressed in Romans, chapter eight, verse twenty-one, where Paul refers to ‘creation itself being under the bondage of corruption . . .’ But, death doesn’t merely remind us of the universal nature of mankind’s problems. God did not leave us in the valley or under the shadow. When we know God and the truth of His Scripture, death also brings us peace.
“On behalf of the family, I would like to thank all of you for coming out today. I’m honored to stand before you to conduct this service. When someone we love dies unexpectedly, there is a tremendous amount of shock. We are here today to honor the life of Lily Pearce. Though cut short, it was a life filled with happiness, and love.”
I’m unable to stop the flow of tears as I remember all the nights I spent with Lily singing princess songs and watching her twirl around in her tutus and tiaras. The preacher continues to talk about life and death, sin and forgiveness. He is trying to help us make sense of all of this, but there is no sense to it, no reason.
“Lily’s father, Cameron, is going to come up and say a few words before we invite you all to lay a pink rose on her casket.”
I lift my head. I had no idea Twisted was speaking today.
He stands in front of everyone and for a couple minutes he’s quiet. “Lily was the most amazing little girl I have ever known. She was the best gift I never knew I wanted. Every day I spent with her, she taught me something new. She opened a part of my heart I didn’t know I had. I pray every minute that I might wake up and have this all be a nightmare.” He stops, clearing his throat as his voice cracks. Twisted has always been the guy that never showed his cards, you never knew what was going on with him. Today it’s clear that he just doesn’t have the strength to hold up the wall. He takes a deep audible breath and clears his throat once more. “I keep thinking that she will throw our bedroom door open, making the circle shaped dent in our wall even bigger. She’ll jump on our bed singing a song from whatever princess she dreamed she was that night. I know that will never happen though. I also know that she will always be with us, forever. Our angel. Our princess.”
Twisted walks over to Nikki taking her hand to help lift her up. She leans against him and as they walk he seems to almost be carrying her. The two of them stand in front of the tiny wooden box. Nikki picks up a rose, she is trembling so badly that you can see the rose shaking as she brings it to her lips and places a kiss on it. Twisted does the same thing laying down the flower as a final goodbye to the amazing little girl who was taken way too soon. They walk back toward us and sit down.
The preacher stands before us once more. “We now invite you all to take a pink rose, and say a final goodbye to Lily.” He nods before moving out of the way as people start to slowly rise from their seats. I force my feet to move, wishing that this will all just be one of my nightmares. That I’ll wake up and realize it was some horrible dream, instead of a cruel reality. I pick up the rose, flinching as I prick my finger on a thorn. A small drop of blood seeps out of my finger and I can’t help but stare at it.
I take the couple steps closer to say goodbye to Lily knowing that as the blood drips from my finger that this will not be the last of the bloodshed to come. It’s almost like when you can feel a storm brewing.
A war is coming.
Chapter Nineteen
Torch
It’s been two weeks since the clubhouse exploded. That day all of our lives were changed forever. Our club lost its leader and everything shifted. The unknown enemy that we’d been trying to fight had won. Since then we’ve been using one of our warehouses until we can get a new clubhouse built.
Today will be the first day we hold church with the whole club. Twisted inherited the president seat after Shooter died. He chose me as his VP and asked Whip to take my place as Sargent at Arms. Today we rally the troops. The brothers who were injured are all healed for the most part and the Deathstalkers are ready to exact some fucking revenge. We are all dying for it, craving it.
Lucy was able to come home from the hospital but they won’t be able to bring the baby home for a while. She spends all day and night there. Whip is with her whenever he isn’t needed with us. They named her Anna because it was Lily’s favorite princess and they wanted to include her somehow. Any of us that go visit her just end up calling her Princess though, which is funny because it’s what Lily wanted to name the baby.
I’ve tried to talk to Twisted about her, but it’s an off limit topic for him. Nikki refuses to leave the house. Tracie has tried to reach out to her but she doesn’t want to hear from anyone. As much as we all were devastated by losing Lily, I know it’s nothing compared to what they feel.
The brothers file into our makeshift war room, the folding table a pathetic substitute for the vintage wooden one that had been in the clubhouse for years. The three of us are sitting at the head of the table waiting for everyone to take their seats in the folding chairs situated around the table.
Twisted stands up and takes a look around the table. “Let’s start church off with a moment of silence for all the people we lost.” He braces his hands on the table and I notice that his grip is so tight on the edge that his knuckles are turning white. His face is stone cold but we all know he’s trying to keep the storm he has inside of him under control. “What happened to our family was an act of war. It was a strike that will not go unans
wered. We will strike back. We will hunt down every one of these motherfuckers and make sure that they know it’s us ending their lives. Not one of them will be spared. I don’t want revenge. I want to fucking decimate them.”
A series of yay’s sound off from around the table.
“There isn’t a lot of information out there on them. They move around constantly and don’t even have a home base. Wannabe motherfuckers want to play with us, then we will show them who runs the game. I’ve already got a call into the Hellions to see if they will provide us some back up when we decide we are ready to move in. I want this done in one shot. I’ve been on these idiots for the past week. They meet as a whole once a week. Always in a different spot and for some reason I’ve never seen their president with his damn helmet off. Not that it matters. He could be president of the goddamn country and I’d still put him in the ground.” The way the brothers are looking at him and listening to him, it’s clear that he belongs in this position. Some men take leadership of a club and can’t handle it. I know that no one will be questioning Twisted’s role. “As you can see I’ve appointed new officers. You need something you come to one of us. As of now you’re all on standby. Once I get word that they are all together it is go time. Any other business?”
“We rebuilding?” Wrench asks from the other end of the table.
“Fuck yes we are. I’m finalizing the contracts this week. Until then, this place will have to do. The girls have been told they can come here to help you guys relax and wind down. Family is to stay home and stay protected. We won’t leave ourselves open to another mass attack until this shit is resolved.” His voice cracks a bit and I know that he’s probably kicking himself for it. He thinks that we will see him as weak, but if anything this shit has shown how strong he really is.
Everyone starts to leave until it’s just the three of us. Twisted scrubs his face with his hands. “Whip, how’s the baby doing?”
“She’s good. I mean I guess as good as she can be.” He shakes his head. “If we’re done here I’m gonna go check on her and Lucy.”
“Yeah, you’re good, brother.” Twisted gives him a nod before he walks out. “You good?”
“I feel like you’re the one that really needs to answer that question.”
“I’ll be fine once we get these fuckers.” He stands up, the chair falling to the floor.
I stand up next to him clapping my hand on his back. “Yeah, well if you need anything just ask. It’s what we’re here for. Family doesn’t judge.”
He looks up at me. “I appreciate that.”
I walk out of the room, noticing how the empty warehouse is slowly coming to resemble the clubhouse. There is a small makeshift bar, the brothers are hanging out after church while the girls are wandering around waiting to get picked up by a brother.
I drive back to my house, praying that we all make it through this in one piece. War always brings casualties, but at this point I’m hoping we’ve already paid our price. After everything that happened, I made Tracie move in with me. She fought me tooth and nail on it. She even brought up renting a motel room. I told her that there was no way I would leave her alone anywhere. After threatening to chain her to my bed until this shit was all straightened out, she finally agreed. Although, I have to admit, a part of me wanted her to fight me on it so I could come through on that promise.
I open the door to my place, throwing my keys on the counter. I can hear music coming from the bedroom so I follow the sound. Standing in the doorway, I see Tracie putting away laundry while shaking her ass to some stupidass pop song. She’s tossing her hair around and my dick is getting hard watching her ass move back and forth. She turns toward me letting out a yelp when she sees me.
“Jesus! A little warning next time would be nice.” Her hands are resting on her chest as it heaves up and down.
“What fun would that be?” I walk closer to her. My hands find her ass, giving it a squeeze enjoying the giggle it causes. “Speaking of fun.”
“Can I help you with something?” She arches her eyebrow at me.
“Oh, there is a lot that I need your help with.”
I cover her mouth with mine needing to lose myself in her.
Chapter Twenty
Tracie
I wake up reaching for Torch, disappointed to, once again, feel nothing but sheets. I think there may have only been a time or two where he was actually in bed when I’ve woken up. I get up, picking up his discarded T-shirt from last night and toss it on. I find him in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in only a pair of shorts. He reaches to pull me against him but I step back. As much as I want to let him distract me, we need to hash some things out.
“Why are you never in bed when I wake up?” I place my hands on the counter.
“Because I don’t sleep well. I figure instead of lying there I’ll just get up and let you sleep.” He shrugs his shoulders as if it’s nothing.
“Why don’t you sleep? You toss and turn a lot some nights.” He just looks at me. As close as I feel to Torch, I don’t know anything real about him. “I want you to talk to me. I want to know everything about you.”
He walks past me and sits down in the living room. “Trust me when I say some demons are better left buried. All you need to know is that the past is in the past and that you’re my future.”
I smile at his statement. “While I love that you just said that to me, it’s not getting you off the hook. You trusted me enough to claim me, to make me your old lady, to move me into your house. Why can’t you trust me enough to tell me about who you were before you came to the club?”
His head shakes. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. I don’t want to go back to that place. I’ve spent more than a decade running from it.”
I walk over to him sitting on his lap. “Maybe you’re running because you don’t have a way to let it go. Talk to me. I can’t live with ghosts between us.”
“Yeah and what about your ghosts? You so eager to set them free with me?” His eyes meet mine.
My stomach drops. I can’t ask something of him that I wouldn’t do myself. “Yes.” My voice is quiet, the fear I bury completely overtaking me. “You first.”
He sighs. “Fuck. Fine.” His hand moves me off his lap and he walks over to the sink rinsing out his mug. Instead of taking a seat next to me he sits at one of the kitchen stools. “I didn’t have a shit childhood. My parents were fucking amazing. My mom was a teacher and my dad was a pediatrician. I had a younger sister and brother. We lived in a house with a fucking white picket fence. Everything was perfect.”
His elbow rests on the counter as his fingertips rub at his eyes. “I was fourteen and on my way home from baseball tryouts. I practically ran the whole way because I couldn’t wait to tell my dad that they had said I could play second base. Every other year, I had been stuck in the outfield, but we had spent every free minute I had in the offseason practicing my catching. I’ll never forget turning the corner and seeing the fire. Every inch of our house was engulfed in flames. I froze not knowing what to do. I didn’t have a cell phone. I screamed for help, one of my neighbors said she called nine one one. I ran the few more feet until I was in front of the house. That’s when I heard them.” I wait for him to go on but he just sits there.
I want to get up, to wrap my arms around his neck and give him the comfort that I always get from him. Torch stands up and walks out of the living room and I have no idea if I should follow him or not. I decide after a minute to see what he was doing. I find him in the bathroom. His face is dripping with water; his hands grasp the sink tightly while his breathing is labored like he just ran a marathon. My hand lightly touches his back and he jumps as if I just burned him.
“I can’t handle you touching me right now.” He stands up walking past me back into the living room. I follow him crossing my arms over my chest resisting the urge to reach out to him again. He takes a deep breath as I sit where I had been before. “I couldn’t help but scream as I stood in front of the hou
se. They must have been in the front room, at least my little sister was. Her name was Kristen, but we called her Kiki. She must have heard me because she started calling for me, screaming for me to help her. I ran to the back of the house but there was no break in the flames. The fire trucks showed up but by the time they were able to get in the house they couldn’t save them.”
“I lost everyone I loved that day and for years after it, I prayed that something would happen to me. I was too much of a coward to take my own life, but I prayed to die just so I didn’t have to be alone anymore. The cops figured out it was some crazy parent of a kid my dad treated. The little girl had cancer and when she passed away he blamed my dad. He broke in that day and shot my mom and dad. My brother and sister must have been hiding. After he shot them, he doused the entire inside and outside of the house in gas then set it on fire. When Shooter met me, I was an out of control idiot who was walking around starting fires just because I felt like it gave me some sort of control back.”
I try to digest everything he just told me. The way he always plays with that lighter, his name, all those things start to click into place. I feel like at one point Shooter saved us all from self-destruction, that’s why it hurt so much to lose him.
I stand up and walk over to him. His eyes watch me apprehensively I know that he wants to push me away. He feels raw and exposed. I felt the same way when I stood in front of the club and told them about Viper, even though I didn’t go into detail. I raise my hands slowly before wrapping them around him. I pull him against me and the two of us stay like that for the longest time. Men like Torch pride themselves on being the strong ones, the ones who are the pillars in the relationships. This once I want to be his pillar, I want to support him, to hold him up. I pull away from him an inch before pressing my lips against his.
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