by Harlow James
But there is still so much more for us to talk about—why I hid it, how she feels about that, whether that changes things for us and what we’ve been building. Jess is the type of woman you marry and spend your life worshipping, and the longer I’ve been around her, the more I’ve realized it.
However, at this moment in time, there is only so much I can offer her. Hell, I’ve invested more energy in our relationship than I ever imagined I would when I moved home after my mother’s diagnosis. I never counted on meeting a woman that has me making plans for a future in Emerson Falls. But that future has always included my mom—watching her dote on my wife, love her grandchildren with the same gigantic heart she exhibited while raising me, and living long into her eighties, turning gray and still trying to boss me around.
The reality of the situation is that those images may never become reality, and it’s been a very hard pill to swallow. I just hope that Jess can be understanding enough to accept why I haven’t shared that with her.
“We’re here,” I announce as I pull into the parking lot of the Beachfront Inn, the quaint hotel that is minutes from the beach on the coast of Oregon.
“You brought me to the beach?” Jess turns to me, her face full of surprise and a slight twinge of fear in the way her eyes widen.
“Yeah. I thought the salty air would have given it away.”
She gazes back at the hotel, turning silent on me once more, winding up the sutures that are barely holding my heart together right now. I’ve never felt this kind of anxiety in my chest, but between my mother being sick and not knowing where I stand with the woman I’m falling for, I feel like I’m barely keeping it together.
I hope I wasn’t wrong in thinking that this scenery would be the perfect place for me to bare my fears, given how Jess feels about the ocean. But I couldn’t think of a more romantic setting to hopefully put us back on track.
“After you told me how much you loved the beach, I knew I wanted to bring you here. Come on. Let’s go get checked in.”
I park the car, help Jess out, and then hold her hand in mine as we walk up to the lobby. The pale blue color of the building almost makes it blend in with the surrounding sky, but stepping inside grants you with hues of green and bright white walls, very crisp and clean and reminiscent of what you would expect of a hotel near the beach.
Once I check us in and get our keycards, we hop back in the car and drive around the hotel to a space near our room.
“Wow, this is beautiful,” Jess declares as we walk through the door to our room for the next two nights, my hands pulling our suitcases behind me. The room is decorated is white and soft grey with luxurious bedding and subtle pops of blue and green in the décor. There’s only one bed though, a detail I hope Jess won’t consider me being presumptuous about. Even if we don’t have sex on this trip, I still wanted to be able to hold her while we slept. I crave the feeling of the woman in my arms, and I plan on soaking up that feeling as much as I can in these next few days.
I roll the suitcases to a stop by the closet, opening the accordion doors up and depositing them inside, before realizing that I know little about how Jess likes to travel. Is she one of those that unpacks the second she arrives, or does she live out of her suitcase the entire time? Even more scary is the idea that she could be one of those people who actually puts their clothes in the drawers of the dresser in the room? I’ve never understood people who do that.
“Would you like to unpack first? Or relax for a bit?” My eyes are glued to her as she glides to the floor to ceiling windows that open up to a small balcony providing an unobstructed view of the ocean. Her long black hair is braided and draped over one of her shoulders and her sunglasses are perched high on her head. The long navy dress she chose for comfort still clings to her hips and makes me itch to reach out and pull her into me. I’m falling so hard for this girl and she has the potential to destroy me if she doesn’t like the explanation I have for how I’ve been acting.
As I contemplate my impending reaction to her denial, she turns to me and grants me the most beautiful smile I think I’ve seen from her. “It’s so beautiful, Brooks. Thank you for bringing me here. It’s been years since I’ve been and just watching the waves roll in is calming me in a way I’ve missed. I really just want to go back outside and soak it in. Is that okay?”
I shove my hands in my pockets as I stare back at her, absorbing the image of her happiness for just a moment. “Of course that’s okay, and you’re welcome. Come on. Let’s get something to eat and then we’ll walk down to the sand.” I hold out a hand for her as she moves across the room, interlocking her fingers with mine before we exit and make our way down to the sidewalk.
The thing that sold me on our location is that we’re literally within walking distance of numerous restaurants and the beach. There’s also a tidepool area about fifteen minutes away that is an easy drive if Jess wants to explore that tomorrow. It’s late afternoon right now, so I figured we could catch an early dinner, walk on the shore, maybe grab some homemade gelato, and then turn in early to prepare for sightseeing in the morning—that is if Jess stays after everything I need to say.
Hand in hand, we stroll along and peer into windows of little shops, perusing knick knacks and touristy items before we arrive at a bistro that had raving reviews online. After we stuff ourselves on lobster bisque, fish and chips, and crab cakes, the sun is setting, which is the perfect moment to make our way to the shore.
“God, this is so beautiful,” Jess exclaims as we find a spot on the sand to take a seat. “I pity people who never get to experience a sunset on the ocean. There’s nothing like it.” I urge her to sit between my legs so my chest is pressed up against her back and my arms can encircle her to help keep her warm.
“I agree, but definitely not as beautiful as the woman sitting right here with me.” My touch lingers as I press a light kiss to the spot beneath her ear while her body shivers in my arms.
“Smooth, Dr. Bennet.” A light chuckle leaves her lips before she turns to the side and her face grows serious when our eyes lock. “Brooks… I believe we have some things we need to discuss.”
I let out a lengthy sigh as I surrender to the moment that I knew was coming, the time to bare it all to Jess since that’s what she deserves. I only hope I can keep my frustration in check as I desperately explain my behavior.
“Yeah. Okay, well? Where do I begin?”
“There’s no need to rush,” she says as her hand cups my cheek, the warmth of her skin fighting off the chill coming from the water. “I’m not going anywhere. Just please be honest. What kind of cancer does she have?”
“Okay. I had no intention of moving back to Emerson Falls until my mom called me back in early March. She found a lump on her breast and immediately made an appointment with her doctor. They followed protocol and discovered it was cancerous. But when they told her it was stage three and inoperable, that’s when I knew I needed to come home.”
Jess’s entire body slumps as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in. “I’m so sorry, Brooks. She’s started chemo though, right?”
I nod. “Yes, and radiation will follow to try to shrink the cancer so an operation can be possible in the future. She’s my only parent, Jess. You know my dad took off when they divorced. She’s my family—her and Ethan and his mom. I… I can’t lose her.” The last thing I want to do is break down again in front of her, but I can feel the tears threaten to fall as I confess my fears. I’m in one of the most beautiful settings with the most beautiful woman, and I all I feel is fear.
“I can only imagine how you must be feeling. But why didn’t you tell me this? Why pursue me and then keep something as serious as this from me?”
My eyes study hers for a moment before veering out over the ocean, the waves rolling in along the sand, mimicking the rolling I’m feeling in my stomach from this conversation. The cat’s out of the bag, Brooks. There’s no holding back now.
“Denial, I guess. This intense rea
lity hit me when my mom was diagnosed, and a part of me didn’t want to accept it. My mind has been filled with nothing but doctor’s appointments, drug doses, and the laundry list of things to take care of since I knew my mom would be too weak to do it herself. Thank god for my aunt and Ethan’s help. With the hours I work, there’s no way I’d be able to manage it all myself. I had a plan when I moved home—and then I met you.”
Her face softens. “I’m sorry if I took you by surprise, but I don’t regret us meeting. I mean, I know I’ve been cautious about us, but I am glad you moved home, Brooks. You’re—you’re everything I’ve been looking for.”
“Please don’t take what I said to mean that I’m mad about meeting you. Hell, Jess, you’ve kept me sane throughout all of this. That’s the point I’m trying to make. In a time of my life that has, without a doubt, been the darkest, you’ve been the light cutting through the stormy clouds. You’ve reminded me to smile, to live, even though I feel like death is looming around every corner. And I didn’t want to lose that feeling with you—the lightheartedness you bring me. You help me forget. That’s why I didn’t tell you. And I’m sorry.”
“I guess I can’t fault you for that. But denying it will not make it any less real. And when you started disappearing on me and being secretive, it made me question what was going on. Remember the night of the speed dating event when you told me that we could be honest with each other? Well, realizing you were holding back secrets ignited a fury in me. It’s been hard to be completely open with men, but you made me feel comfortable enough to do that. And then your actions made me think that maybe I had done something…”
My hand holds her face still while I stare directly into her eyes so she can’t look away or question what I’m about to say. “You have been perfect, Jess. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I’m the one who’s been wrong here. But I guess I was just afraid of how things would change between us once you knew. I don’t want you to feel obligated to stick around for fear of hurting me or making my life more complicated. If you can’t handle this, I can accept that. Just please let me know sooner rather than later, because losing you will only exacerbate the ache in my chest I feel at the prospect of losing my mom. But I will completely understand if you go. This isn’t easy to handle for anyone involved.”
Jess goes silent, turning back to admire the ocean, the heaviness of my words hanging between us. My heart gallops wildly, wondering if she’s contemplating her departure, the reality of my impending loss causing too much overwhelming emotion for her to handle. And then she speaks so softly, I almost miss it.
But when I hear it, it only makes me more concerned.
“Sometimes we have to accept our fate, Brooks.”
My body retreats from her words, my heart shocked by her blunt response. “Are you saying that you think my mom is going to die?” My pulse is running rampant as I wait for her to answer. I mean, I’m a doctor. I know the possible outcomes to her circumstances. But hearing Jess say something so matter-of-factly hits me hard.
She shakes her head rapidly, realizing her mistake quickly, I’m sure. “No—no, Brooks. Shit. I’m sorry, that wasn’t meant to come out like that. I—I misspoke.”
“Then what did you mean?” I’m two seconds away from standing and walking away so I can clear my mind before I say something I’ll regret. This is not how I imagined the conversation going in my head.
“I mean that sometimes life doesn’t always work out the way we think it’s going to, but that’s okay. Look at us meeting, Brooks. We never would have if your mom hadn’t gotten sick. You wouldn’t be home near her, and I wouldn’t be here in your arms wishing there were something I could do or say to take away your pain.” She pauses again and then offers me a soft smile that instantly makes some of the tension melt, along with what she says next. “But I’m not leaving. I’m too invested. Is this reality daunting and overwhelming? Yes. But it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I just wish you had been honest with me from the beginning.”
My body visibly relaxes, loosening the tightness that was stretching across my limbs. “I know. And I can’t say I’m sorry enough.”
“I could have been helping you and your aunt instead of being left in the dark.”
“See, that’s just it. It’s that thought that made me hesitant in the first place to tell you. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to help. It’s not your burden. I didn’t want our relationship to be about that.”
“Okay, that’s fair. But now I’m invested. Your happiness is my happiness. So tell you what… you tell me what you need, okay? I won’t take it upon myself to do things, or even offer, if that’s what you want. But if you tell me you need me, I’ll be there as much as I possibly can.” She rests her forehead on mine as our breaths swirl together, mixed with the salty breeze floating off of the ocean and the call of seagulls in the air.
I shut my eyes and soak her in—her words, her support, her unwavering dedication to me even after I withheld this secret. I don’t deserve her, but apparently the universe thinks I do.
“You’re incredible. I can’t thank you enough for just offering to be there. That’s all I really want. I don’t want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me, or be afraid to be honest in fear of upsetting me. I just need you—the woman that argued with me over breath fresheners and trusted in me enough to tell me about her biggest fears.”
She giggles, presses her lips to my cheek, and then resumes resting her forehead on mine, letting out a satisfied hum. “I’m right here, Brooks.”
“My biggest fear right now is losing my mom. But second to that is losing you.” I lean back slightly so I can see those grey eyes that captivate me every time they look at me with a longing that I feel deep in my chest for her.
Jess doesn’t respond with words, but instead, leans in and kisses me, moving her arms up from between us to wrap around my neck, her body swiveling between my legs to turn and get more comfortable as we seal our declarations with a kiss.
I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of her lips, the feeling of her in my arms, and the way she continues to surprise me. Jess had every right to be upset with me, but I’m so fucking thankful in this moment that she possesses the heart that she does, because without her understanding, I’d be alone, dealing with a life-changing time of my life.
But she’s here. She’s in this. And I know right here and now, she’s meant to be in this with me.
Chapter 20
Jess
There’s something to be said about secrets—some secrets are held in the belief that their existence will bring harm to those we care about—and then some are held by omission, because there hasn’t been a need to reveal them until suddenly you’re slammed with the truth that makes the words more relevant than they were before.
After listening to Brooks admit his dread over losing his mom, why he hid it from me, and how that affects the two of us, I now understand why he kept her diagnosis from me. I can’t blame the man for finding solace in our relationship because that’s exactly what I have been doing as well. Knowing there’s a man that truly cares about me after my dating mishaps and unfortunate luck finally makes me feel wanted and cherished.
It’s made me forget about my reality too—that there’s a black cloud that follows me around as well, threatening my life and happiness.
As I sat in Brooks’ arms and listened to him speak, I had to know what kind of cancer his mom was diagnosed with because my gut was telling me the answer.
“I’m not going anywhere. Just please be honest. What kind of cancer does she have?”
I waited on pins and needles, feeling as if I were about to jump off of a cliff as he took a deep breath before responding.
Please don’t say breast. Please don’t say breast, my brain pleaded as I anticipated his answer.
“She found a lump on her breast and immediately made an appointment with her doctor. They followed protocol and discovered it was cancerous. But when they told h
er it was stage three and inoperable, that’s when I knew I needed to come home.”
Fuck.
That’s all I could say to myself, all I could think before I did the honorable thing—apologized and urged him to continue, supporting him with soft caresses and intentional eye contact.
Rarely can you know and understand exactly what a person is going through. But I can—because I’ve been there. I watched my mom die from breast cancer and that pain is one that you can’t possibly feel without going through it yourself.
“Why hide it from me?”
“Denial, I guess. You’ve reminded me to smile, to live, even though I feel like death is looming around every corner. And I didn’t want to lose that feeling with you—the lightheartedness you bring me. You help me forget. That’s why I didn’t tell you. And I’m sorry.”
If that wasn’t like seeing your younger self through a mirror, then I don’t know what is. Because Brooks’ confession about me helping him forget? Well, it’s very much related to what happened for me with Trent. Yes, Trent was an ass that used me to get back at his ex-girlfriend. But I used him too, to take away the pain of losing my mom.
My mother died just shortly before I started nursing school, a whirlwind of change that interrupted my life when her diagnosis came out of nowhere. She made me promise to finish, even though the last thing I wanted at the time was to spend more time in a hospital.
“You are meant to do this, Jessalyn. Remember when you ran to that boy and his mom? It’s your calling. Don’t take what’s happening to me and use it as an excuse to run.”
I choke back a sob as I hold her hand in bed, her body frail and weak from the cancer that has eaten away at her so fast, it seemed almost overnight.
In reality, it was only four months, but I don’t think you understand the passage of time until everything changes in the blink of an eye and then you have to watch your loved one die slowly and yet rapidly right in front of your eyes.