by Harlow James
“I can’t handle it.” The words slice through the air and I can see them penetrate him, cutting a hole in his chest as his body jumps back.
“What?” His voice is but a whisper from the shock I’m sure he’s feeling.
“I—I can’t handle it, Brooks. It’s too much. I’m sorry.” I move to shut the door, but he rushes forward and stops me.
“What the fuck? After everything? The past few months, our trip, the time we’ve grown close… you’re done just like that?” His eyes are dark and the faint hint of moisture building gets caught in my porch light. “Are you running away because you’re scared? Are you letting your fear win? Or is my mother’s illness truly that hard to witness for you?”
I nod, fighting back my own tears, telling myself silently that this is for the best. “Yes.” To all of it. “I’m sorry.” I push the door forward again and this time he doesn’t stop me—but the look on his face as he watches me literally close the door on us is one I will never forget.
Chapter 28
Brooks
“I’m at a fucking loss, man.” The shot of whiskey sitting on the table torments me with the momentary relief I know I’ll feel once I down it. And even though tomorrow will be filled with regrets from listening to the amber liquid, my head and heart don’t really give a shit right now. I grab the glass and sling it back, wincing as the burn courses through my throat.
“I honestly didn’t see this coming. I just don’t buy it. Jess isn’t like that. When she was around all of us that night, she didn’t seem bothered or emotional about seeing your mom. If anything, she seemed understanding to me.”
I shake my head and then take a sip of my beer. “My gut is telling me there’s more to it too. Like, why is her sister here all of a sudden? I know she’s in school, so maybe she’s just visiting for a few days before the new semester starts. But it’s kind of odd that she never told me about it. However, now I’m realizing that there are quite a few things she never told me about. Like taking a month off of work? Why? She loves her job….”
There’s nothing quite like learning that the woman that you asked repeatedly to trust you is keeping a secret. My gut is telling me that. And my intuition is usually right.
As my voice trails off, a group of men walk through the door that I instantly recognize. Cooper, Cash, Luke, and Kane filter into Tony’s and head straight for us.
“What are they doing here? Did you invite them?” I ask, turning to face my cousin while noticing that he’s starting to form two heads.
“I called in reinforcements. These guys understand women better than you and I do. They’re all married too. Well, except for Luke. But he and Rachel are solid now since they reconciled. Maybe they can help us solve the puzzle.”
Just as I turn to face them, Cash reaches down to shake my hand. I’m pretty sure my arm makes a snake-like motion as I try to pinpoint the exact location of his palm to reciprocate the handshake. Maybe I’m done with the shots for tonight.
After I went to Jess’s apartment and confronted her last night, I called Ethan on my way home. He was just as confused as me, so he suggested we get together tonight to hash it out and drown my feelings with some booze, something I wouldn’t typically do, but is warranted given the circumstances.
My anger subsided once I realized that Jess and I could be finished and there’s nothing I can do about it. I stared at the engagement ring I had stuffed in my sock drawer before chucking the box across my bedroom. When I woke this morning, I returned it to its rightful place, hoping that this speed bump is just temporary, and not final. But my hope is wearing thin right now, just like my sobriety.
“Hey, Brooks. You look like shit.”
I stare up at him and then narrow my eyes. “Well, when the woman you love pushes you away, looking and feeling like shit becomes a requirement.” I reach for my beer and drain it before motioning to Tony for another one.
“Oh, believe me. We all know that too well, don’t we boys?”
“You’re speaking to the choir, Brooks,” Cooper adds as they all pull out their chairs and a waitress comes by to take their orders.
“So tell me what you went through then. Help me believe that this is fixable, because right now I feel defeated. She pushed me away and gave me an excuse that could be accurate, but I feel like there’s more to the story too.”
The waitress comes back and delivers everyone’s drinks, including my refill. If I stick with beer for the rest of the night, I should be fine.
“Well, Clara and I dated in secret for a while,” Cooper starts, “because she was afraid of what my sister’s reaction would be. I agreed because I was desperate just to have her and be with her, but then when it came time to tell everyone, she chickened out and basically told everyone she was just sleeping with me for sex, even though we were definitely in love.”
I run my hand through my hair, trying to put myself in Cooper’s shoes, the thought of being kept a secret makes my blood boil. That had to fucking suck.
“So how did you get back on track? What happened that fixed everything?”
“She owned up to her mistakes and told everyone close to us that she was in love with me in a very public declaration. My girl wooed me, and I am damn proud of that.”
Cash laughs. “It was quite the spectacle. She sent him gifts and shit before the grand display of affection.”
“Oh yeah! Remember when we pulled over that older woman and she shoved a giant purple dildo in our faces?” Luke adds.
“What? How did purple dildos just become involved?” Ethan is beyond confused sitting beside me, much like myself.
Cooper smacks the table and then points a finger at me. “That was Penny. Fuck, Brooks! You know Penny!”
“The old lady that was hitting on me while she was having a heart attack?”
“That’s the one!”
“She was instrumental in getting you and Clara back together?”
“She definitely played a part.”
“Shit,” I mumble. “Do you think I should ask her to help me?”
The men all chuckle. “I don’t think her level of expertise is right for your circumstances with Jess. I feel like your situation is a little more serious than that,” Ethan argues.
“Yeah, speaking of which, I think you should fill us all in so we know exactly what we’re dealing with,” Cash suggests.
So I do. I spend the next several minutes trying to summarize our relationship, only realizing more and more that every moment and hurdle we’ve faced together is the culmination of why I love her.
I should have fucking told her last night. Maybe if I had just said it, she would have been more reluctant to throw us away.
But then at the same time, I didn’t want to say those words for the first time in a moment like that out of desperation and anger. That’s not how I want her to know that I can’t live without her.
Once I get up to what happened last night, the men turn silent, except for Kane. “As a person who was a professional at pushing people away, I’d say that’s exactly what she’s doing. Something happened, man. Maybe it is related to your mom, but it sounds like there’s more to it. Sometimes there can be one moment in our lives that changes everything—our thoughts, our emotions, how we react to the world around us. That’s what happened to me, and it took Olivia to pull me out of that.”
“Same here,” Luke adds. “Rachel makes me feel alive again. After I lost Hannah, I didn’t think I’d ever look at life the same way. But she changed all of that. One person can alter your entire existence.”
“That’s what Jess has done for me. She’s opened up this entire world of possibilities that I always knew were there, but never really sought. I want to marry her, have kids with her. I’m so fucking committed to her that I can’t lose her, guys. What do I do?”
All the men—my friends that I never would have made had I not moved back home, the support system I never knew I was missing—they all share knowing looks before Cash clears his
throat and he speaks.
“You keep fighting. You stay committed to her and what you feel you had. And you go after her and make her talk to you.”
“Is that what you did with Piper?”
He shakes his head. “No, but our story was a little different. She was facing a life-changing twist that she needed to process before she finally came back to me. However, in my defense, I was headed out to New York the same night she showed up on my doorstep.”
“Damn. That’s some next level romance shit, right there,” Ethan chides.
“I know. It was romantic as hell, especially because she was holding a box of Cheez Its.” Cash’s smile stretches a mile wide as Ethan and I look at each other like we must have missed something.
“Cash is obsessed with Cheez Its,” Cooper leans over and mutters.
“Okay. So do I go over there tonight?”
“NO!” They all shout in a resounding response.
“Fuck no, man. You’re way too wasted to do that right now. You need to have a clear mind in order to make your case and give her something she can’t say no to.”
“Well, shit. I have to work tomorrow.” I slouch back in my chair and pout. The guys get a pleasant laugh at my expense.
“She’ll appreciate it more if you’re sober,” Kane adds. “And then you lay it all on the line, man. Show her your devotion. When you find that woman you know is yours, do everything in your power to keep her. When men fall, we fall hard. We don’t tend to be up in our heads as much as women do, except for Luke, of course.” He throws his thumb in Luke’s direction.
“Fuck you, Kane. My situation was different, alright? And I made things right. Rachel is in my house right now waiting for me.”
Kane grins. “I know, man. I was just giving you shit.”
We spend the next hour talking about everything else besides my predicament with Jess because to me, the problem has been solved. There’s nothing more I can do at this point beside nurse my inevitable hangover tomorrow and then talk to her as soon as I get the chance.
The next morning I groan as I get out of bed and my head pounds with each step I take towards my kitchen. As my coffee brews, I notice a missed call from my mom and then it hits me when I look at the clock. My mother had her appointment today with Dr. Lexington to go over the latest scan results to determine the effects of her chemo.
My stomach coils now, not just from the remaining alcohol in my system, but the nerves of hearing the results. I was supposed to go with her, but my aunt took the responsibility and encouraged me to live a little last night. Overwhelming guilt resides in my chest now when I realize I really wanted to be there and I didn’t for my own selfish reasons—primarily, nursing a broken heart.
“Mom?” I say as soon as I hear her answer.
“It’s shrinking, Brooks! The cancer is shrinking!” She shouts through her tears and fuck if it doesn’t make mine flow as well.
I bite my lips as my eyes begin to sting. “Are you… are you serious, Mom?”
“Yes! It’s getting smaller, Brooks. The size, the count—the numbers are going down!” I hear my Aunt Liz scream for joy in the background.
I crumble to the floor and sob—for the possibility of my mother being able to live, for the relief I feel that she’s still going to be around for a while longer, and for the empty feeling in my chest knowing that the one person I want to share this with doesn’t want me in her life anymore.
“Fuck, Mom. That’s good. That’s really fucking good.”
“I know, Brooks. I know. I was prepared for the worst and ultimately accepted that I wasn’t going to continue chemo after today. I felt like I needed to just accept that this is what would kill me. But hearing the positive progress, knowing it’s working—it’s renewed a fight in me, Brooks. I have to beat this, baby. I don’t want to miss out on the rest of your life. I want to see my grandchildren be born and watch them grow up. I want to see you marry that woman. I’m not done fighting, son.”
The tears are flowing so heavily right now I can’t see the floor in front of me. I’m struggling to breathe as I hear my mom cry on the other end of the phone, and hearing her declare that she’s dedicated to keep fighting, just reminds me that the strength I have is all because of her.
“I love you, Mom. I will be right by your side through it all, okay? We can do this.”
“I know. I love you too. Come over later so I can hug you. You have to work in a little while, right?”
I glance at the clock and then realize I need to get a move on.
“Yes. I do. I’m sorry I wasn’t there this morning, but last night sucked. I’ll come over after work though, okay?”
“Okay. Sounds good. And don’t worry, Brooks. I want you to keep living. I hope you found some clarity about the situation with Jess. We’ll have dinner and celebrate our small victory later today.”
“I love you.” I hang up the phone and rest my head against the cupboards behind me, relieved of tension I’ve been holding in my chest for months. I know we’re not out of the woods, but a decrease in growth is a tremendous step in the right direction for my mom. It’s a clear indication that she’s on the right track.
And now there’s just one other track I need to get back on. And it includes Jess.
Chapter 29
Brooks
“Knock, knock.” I glance inside the office where Dr. Lexington is scribbling something across a paper on his desk. His head pops up just long enough to register that it’s me.
“Oh, hey Brooks. Come in.” He slides the papers back into a folder and then sits back in his chair, checking his watch.
I wanted to make sure to arrive at the hospital before my shift early enough to stop by his office and speak with him, colleague to colleague, man to man, son of one of his patients.
“I just wanted to thank you for this morning. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here with my mom, but she’s over the moon with the results and progress the chemo has made. And so am I.”
His smile is quick and vibrant. “My pleasure. She’s responding very well to the chemo, which is the outcome we want. We will start another round next week and continue our course of treatment. I’m quite optimistic at this point. Sometimes with stage three, it’s hit or miss with how the body will react to treatment.”
“Me too. You have no idea how much tension you’ve lifted off of my shoulders in the past few hours.”
He nods. “I get it. I see a lot of families in here dealing with cancer. It’s a group effort. You have to have a team of support behind you, but those people end up bearing the burden of that fight just like the patient.”
“That’s exactly how it feels. I just want to say thank you again for taking her on. I know you have a full caseload.”
He glances down at his watch and then peers back up at me. “It’s my pleasure. I actually have Jess’s surgery in less than two hours, so I’d better get a move on. But thanks for stopping by….”
My head spins as I try to figure out if I heard him correctly, a twilight effect overtaking my brain as his words repeat, making me dizzy as my pulse races to unhealthy levels.
“I’m sorry—did you just say… Jess’s surgery?” My entire body is vibrating from how hard my heart is beating right now, the weight I just felt had been freed has returned, burying me in an avalanche of anger and worry.
“Uh, yes. I thought you knew? I actually thought that may have been part of the reason for you dropping in today. You know you can sit in the observation room if you want to.”
The nausea from this morning returns tenfold as catastrophic thoughts start to plague my mind. “I had no fucking idea she’s having surgery today. But if you’re doing it, that must mean…”
“Shit,” he says, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m guess by your reaction she never told you, did she?”
I shake my head violently and then stand. “What the fuck is going on?”
“Brooks, I need you to calm down, please.”
He stands up slowly across from me, gripping the edge of his desk. “I can’t do that, Brooks. You know that and I’m sorry. But I will tell you that she’s in pre-op right now and you can go ask her yourself.”
I don’t waste another second as I barrel through his office door, out of the oncology department, and sprint down the halls of the hospital to get to her as quickly as I can. My legs are flying, my body shaking as I wait for the elevator to course down the cables and lower me to the operating floor where apparently she is waiting for surgery.
Surgery? What the fuck does she need surgery for? Why the hell didn’t she tell me?
She pushed you away, remember? And she didn’t tell you why. This has to be it.
The answer to the anguish I’ve been dealing with for weeks and more so in the past twenty-four hours is literally feet away from me as I close in on the pre-op doors.
“Hi, Dr. Bennet.” The receptionist greets me behind clear glass.
“Hi, Sam. I need to see Jess, please.” I can barely stand still as I wait for her to let me through.
“Of course.” The alarm on the double doors buzzes and then I dart for the handle, flinging it open and begin searching for the bay where she is. My feet carry me in a flash, and as I come around the corner, I see Katelyn sitting in a chair beside a bed, where Jess is laying in a hospital gown, covered in a blanket with a hairnet on. Her face is free of make-up and her cheeks are red as if she’s been crying. Both of their eyes are closed tight as they hold each other’s hands and I realize they’re praying, Katelyn’s words informing me of exactly what I’ve been missing.
“God, please watch over Jess. Please protect her, guard her life, and heal her as they rip the cancer from her body. And Mom, please make sure that I get my sister back. I can’t lose her too. We love you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”